Child hates me having a girlfriend

[HopperDash]

Hi. I'm a man reaching out for advice from a female perspective so please be gentle.

I am divorced and currently have sole custody of my teen daughter. I am 50 and have been seeing a lovely woman who is 38 for sometime. We get on great, however and understandably she is at an age where she would like to have children sooner than later. I am happy with this, I am a young 50 and very healthy for my age and a great Dad.

My daughter is already finding it hard for me to have a girlfriend and has stated that she doesn't want to meet her, let alone her living with me and the idea of me having another child and sibling would flip her out greatly. She's been crying a lot just me seeing someone and I feel awful.

I understand all of this as I'm all she has, her relationship with her Mum isn't good and they rarely see each other. I'm torn, as I definitely don't want to damage her or our relationship either, but also don't want to lose my girlfriend. In five years my daughter will be an adult and I don't want to be on my own so have had to be slightly selfish by seeing someone to begin with. It'll only get harder over time otherwise.

My child means everything to me and is not being capricious, merely I'm all she has and I think she can't bear me giving my love to someone else or losing me.

Any advice would be appreciated.

I completely agree with the part of this post talking about how DD has been shown those whom we love are rejectable and replaceable.

I would say, however, that needs softening in its application to op to the extent that the mum has been the key deliverer of that message.

Op you still have a chance not to send that message.

I'm not trying to make it a race to the bottom, but that's single parenthood for many, many people. It doesn't make you particularly hard done by - when we become parents, we sacrifice various things at various points in our life.

Yes this bit didn't get picked up on in the thread, but considering having children with a woman you've not even introduced to your existing children is genuinely fucking bonkers

Judging by this thread, you can't.

Because, you know, he deserves a nice, supportive (not menopausal) wife.

In other words you didn’t get your desire to put yourself first validated so you’re saying ‘La La La’ not listening

I do hope against hope you have taken something on board that your daughter is your priority but unfortunately I doubt it as every update reads ‘me me me me me’

some men will never fail to amaze with their selfishness .. and this one is right up there!

@Bumblebeestiltskin and what's worse is he's only done it for 6 months and is feeling hard done by.

Get a grip.

Disagree. Child and parent can be happy somehow and I'm definitely not selfish after four years being unwanted. Why should I suck it up, I already have for long enough, I pretty much have raised my child all the way through on my own, as her mother has never been very maternal. Again, you don't know me and are projecting as to who I am. Wanting to be happy is not selfish. Not finding a way to make it work with your child or caring about them is. This is not who I am, regardless of how you see me from behind the keyboard.

I am a grown up with a lot of bitter resentment to my Father who moved a woman into the family home when I was 10 after my Mother died.

The woman was cruel and her children from a previous marriage and children with my Dad were her priority. She couldn’t care less for me. My Dad never stood up to her and let her treat me badly.

I was a very unhappy child and my DH might say that this has carried through into adulthood. I lost my Mum and my Dad and was treated appallingly.

I am 50 now so this is advice coming from your peer. Don’t make any rash decisions. Just because you gave a girlfriend doesn’t mean that she has to move in. You can still keep relationships going living in separate houses. Don’t do this to your DD. She is young, full of hormones and has lost her Mum ( albeit the relationship not the physical person like me). The last thing she needs is to lose you too to another woman and child. Because, believe you and me - this will happen whether you want it to or not. Your new girlfriend will not treat your DD as her own when she moves in.

Going against the majority but I think you should be entitled to your own life. As you say she’ll be grown soon with her own life and meeting someone will become harder. I guess if you really wanted to prioritise your daughter and didn’t want more children, ending this and pursuing relationships with women in similar positions. But it’s hard to meet the right person. I’d talk to your daughter frankly about this, 15 is old enough to think about these issues. Wouldn’t she rather you were happy ?

You sound like a really good Dad to me OP.

I grew up in a single parent household with my Dad as sole parent from the age of 10. He dated throughout my childhood which perhaps wasn’t always ideal and a couple of the relationships ended because he would put us first and his girlfriends wanted more. Sometimes we were sad when a relationship ended or secretly happy on occasion but I don’t think it fundamentally harmed me or my siblings.

I don’t understand the posts that say 6 months is too soon to introduce your girlfriend to your daughter. Maybe it’s making it build into something bigger than it needs to be. Your relationship is becoming deeper and more serious with your gf but your daughter is completely excluded from that part of your life.

Ultimately you need to put your daughter first and it may not work out with this lady because you have met at a difficult time in your life. But try and get away from the idea that this will be your last opportunity for happiness. My Dad finally found the woman he is currently married to once we had all become adults which makes things a lot simpler (although there were still some issues) for all concerned.

@HopperDash do you not see that your posts are entirely about how you feel? You came to the thread suggesting it was about your daughter. It very clearly isn't.

@HopperDash if you only read or respond to one message please make it this one.

Yes he does. He has a chance to help his daughter heal from trauma and develop a secure sense of herself as loved and lovable. And he can only do that by showing through his actions that she is absolutely centred.

And that means taking the 'new family' off the table.

Just seen your wife left this year and now you want to introduce a gf to dd. Yikes. Utterly selfish. Of course dd doesn't want to meet anyone. Her world has been flipped and now your taking to her about gf and children.
Give poor child a year at least before even mentioning a gf. The trauma to dd must be huge.
Nothings stopping you dating in the background but you don't have to involve dd. And no I wouldn't be considering another child. Concentrate on the child you have

I agree. But what is plain to you or me is not plain to an 18 year old with a difficult homelife. So think about how you would argue that point with an 18 year old in 5 years time who wants to do something stupid and reckless (not necessarily dating a 40 year old. But something stupid). Not with me. Because the "you did X, so why can't I do Y" argument will definitely be used against you one way or another. Its what teenagers do and you seem in denial about that.

Is daughter isn't 15. She's 13.

Ffs another totally clueless selfish excuse for a father.

Good luck with your pursuit of the happiness you feel you deserve. If the plan works out you will have a young baby, a woman who has segued from post partum to perimenopausal hormones who has come to the same conclusion about you as your ex wife, and a 20 year old daughter that won't forgive your selfishness and being used as your relationship therapist at the age of 15, and feels put out of her own home because, your happiness.

😂🤣😂🤣

Yes they do.

She might even only be 12, as he's referred to both 5 years and 6 years of having to wait to date.

Horrible age to be dealing with parental abandonment, essentially by two parents.

Wow, the age thing really is an issue for some people on here, 15 year age gap between my mum and dad and they've been married 40 years. Friend of mine has been married 15 years to a man 17 years older than her. They are adults, age is not a big deal unless its inappropriate.

As you said, your wife left you mentally years ago, you were already separated when she left, just living together so I don't think it's unreasonable that you embarked on a new relationship what in numbers looks rather fast but in the circumstances not.

You can't pussyfoot around your daughter, she will need to deal with it and I think i said earlier that they should meet on neutral ground. (I just wanted to come back on to say about the age thing)

And, if you want another child go ahead and have one - in you OP it didn't say you wanted one right away, there is time for daughter to get to know partner, and if she is a teen she will be off having her own life soon enough.

I have friends who have had babies at 39 and 43, and where the father is a lot older - they are loving life.

Do what makes you happy, you deserve it. Just reassure daughter.

I’m in the camp that the daughter needs to grow up and realise that life doesn’t revolve around her. Children often think their parents aren’t actually people with needs like the rest of the world. She will be off living her own life and wants her day to sit alone at home having no one to share his life with? She needs a talking to tbh. People split up and they start new relationships. It’s life.

And by the way Op, I have not spoken to my dad for well over 25 years.

You may be on your way to losing your first born forever if you carry on these Shenanigans.

I can’t believe you are thinking of having a child with someone who haven’t been dating for that long. Why can’t Men ever be alone?

Also - your DD is 15. She is well old enough to be left home alone during the week so your are NOT housebound. What an utterly ridiculous thing to say. No one likes a pity party

You're in a really shitty camp there. Six months after a 13 year old parents split up and selfish daughter needs to grow up.