Child hates me having a girlfriend

[HopperDash]

Hi. I'm a man reaching out for advice from a female perspective so please be gentle.

I am divorced and currently have sole custody of my teen daughter. I am 50 and have been seeing a lovely woman who is 38 for sometime. We get on great, however and understandably she is at an age where she would like to have children sooner than later. I am happy with this, I am a young 50 and very healthy for my age and a great Dad.

My daughter is already finding it hard for me to have a girlfriend and has stated that she doesn't want to meet her, let alone her living with me and the idea of me having another child and sibling would flip her out greatly. She's been crying a lot just me seeing someone and I feel awful.

I understand all of this as I'm all she has, her relationship with her Mum isn't good and they rarely see each other. I'm torn, as I definitely don't want to damage her or our relationship either, but also don't want to lose my girlfriend. In five years my daughter will be an adult and I don't want to be on my own so have had to be slightly selfish by seeing someone to begin with. It'll only get harder over time otherwise.

My child means everything to me and is not being capricious, merely I'm all she has and I think she can't bear me giving my love to someone else or losing me.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Yes. It is medically old for a pregnancy, even if no longer socially old for a pregnancy.

But also op’s partner is 38 and not yet pregnant.

My father remarried within a year of divorcing my mum...
that was bad enough.
He also claimed my mum didn't put his needs first.
Please - my teenage soul is already crying for your daughter.
OP love her cherish her - she'll need you a bit longer than 18.
From someone who knows.
And maybe your 38 YO girlfriend might be better with a younger man who doesn't come with the baggage you do.
Because you do.
Put your daughter first please

Agree. One of my best friends died in his mid thirties from cancer leaving three children. We're too ageist in the UK. For sure, I'm not like a 25 or 35 year old but I certainly don't feel like whatever a 50 year old is meant to. It's all about your genetics. I've met a lot of young old men who have the energy levels of a retired person. It's more nuanced than that. But again, everyone seems to have moved off my topic of having a girlfriend. I should have just said she was 49 and not mentioned the rest.

Yep, it is so soon after her mum left, no wonder DD feels uncomfortable with you having a girlfriend.
That doesn't mean you can't date, but take it slow (I have a friend in her 40s who still hates her Dad dating, and her Mum died over 10 years ago!). If this woman is (the) love of your life and wants you more than a baby, that would be fantastic. Maybe you could have a wonderful future together. Adopt in a few years time, or foster together? She can slowly build a good relationship with your daughter and you can hopefully enjoy grand children together down the line?
Or, rush in with the wrong lady, ruin your relationship with your DD, have a baby, split up and really be alone?

Hmmm I don't think it's wrong for you to want to move on but I feel like you are having very big conversations with your daughter very early on and it's too much.

By comparison, I have been seeing my partner for about the same time and we are navigating and planning how we can make this Christmas work for us and our children. I have very bite sized conversations with my 17yr old so that I don't overwhelm her, and I always do it when I know I have a full attention in a positive way. We have both had conversations with our children and everything it open for negotiation. I haven't had anything like the push back you are getting.

I've seen hundreds of Dads at school who look or are way older than me.

Except those dads have already got school age children, not newborns a few years in the future…what does it matter what they look like anyway? That’s subjective. Heaven forbid, they may even be some people who don’t think you look all that…

As others have said, six months is awfully soon from your daughter's point of view, even if you and your ex had mentally checked out before that.

It doesn't mean you can't have another relationship, ever, but it's something that will need careful handling and TIME. And the time issue is being skewed by your younger GF's age and desire to have children - it's put a rush on things that really shouldn't be rushed. Your DD will (rightly) see that the needs of this woman who's just rocked up in her life six months ago are already superseding hers.

Also, I appreciate that single parenting can be tough - but be aware of not just trying to 'slot another woman in' to help you with the childcare...

Peak mid life crisis.

You need to spend 2-3 years getting to know new girlfriend slowly introducing her to your DD it takes a lot of time. And then later on once DD has left home maybe you could live with your girlfriend. Your DD comes first not a far to young girlfriend who wants a family, you already have a family that needs to be enough for a potential new partner.

For perspective I was a lone parent always for my child and when my child was a teenager I met my partner. my partner is younger than me we have never had any kids as I had already had my family. That’s how it works as the child comes first.

Literally no one on this thread is saying you can't have a girlfriend or your own life.

People are saying:

1. Take things slowly
2. Prioritise your daughter because she went through a lot and needs you more then ever right now.
3. Pick partner that it compatible with you - someone who maybe has a child or is not desperate for one. Someone who will understand that you will need time and the relationship will have to progress slowly. Someone who will understand that while you're open to babies, any decision to have them will have to weight in your daughter's needs and wellbeing.

You're doing the opposite on all of those 3 crucial points, you don't take any important advice on board yet keep arguing about how young you are or how your divorce is not your fault etc.
That's why people are so frustrated with you.

You’d have got different answers because the issues would be different.

May have missed it but how long has your ex wife been moved out

Mum left earlier this year

Ok, I want you to read this so I am going to tone down what I say.

Your poor daughter. Her mum left less than a year ago. Sshe must feel so rejected and abandoned.. This will be affecting her view of herself as loved and lovable. No wonder she is terrified of you starting a relationship with someone with kids. She can't bear the thought of any more chance of being made to feel rejected and abandoned. Her mum abandoned her. You replaced her mum almost immediately. And now you want a new family with a new mum and a new baby. Both her parents have taught her that those you love are rejectable and replaceable.
You can't make her feel secure and lovable with words. Only with actions.

And the truth is, she is not secure is she? Not with you. Because your immediate priority on your wife leaving was to replace her so that you did not feel lonely. Your priority was not your daughter. And it still is not. You are your priority. You sit there feeling sorry for yourself being housebound and lonely. Well, guess what? That is what single parenthood is like for many, many mothers. You are lucky in your single parenthood. You have some baby sitters. You became a single parent of a child who will be able to be left on her own very soon, leaving you free to go out and develop more of your own life. Many, many women become housebound single parents with no support and of very young children and face a very long stretch of being 'lonely and housebound'. You are not in that situation.

Bluntly, man the fuck up and put your child first. Jesus, you only have to do it for five short years. Keep your love life separate from your child and for the love of God, don't have a baby.

Your daughter needs time to adjust. Your desire to move forward with your relationship so soon after her mum leaving is, frankly, a massive red flag and any sensible woman would run in the opposite direction. Yes, your ex was selfish for leaving you with your child. But that doesn't mean you get to just move on without considering the needs of a teenager who is going through hell right now.

I speak as a single parent of 15 years - putting my children first because my ex was, selfishly unable to (and is still unable to, I deal with the fall out continually) has been my priority. Their home with me is a partner free zone, it's comfortable and supportive and they can be themselves. This is, in my opinion, essential when one parent is off thinking about themselves.

Slow down. Don't let the biological clock thing damage your relationship with your existing child.

Don't misunderstand me. I don't think I look all that... merely I see Dad's even with newborns who do frankly look older, just an observation however it's interpreted. Maybe they're 30, maybe they're not.

I wonder if they also have teenage daughters struggling with their parents very recent breakup and having a new girlfriend thrust in their face 😕

This is what OP needs to hear, but unfortunately he's bogged down with arguing about how young he looks

This.

Housebound means you have a disability or illness so you are at home. It feels like you are mocking people.

you are NOT housebound you are a fit and healthy adult with a child to look after.

Okay, thanks everyone for your feedback and advice. It's appreciated in general, most more than not. I knew I'd be opening a pandora's box by posting and will digest what's been said and will now leave this thread before spiralling into endless back and forth debates. Thanks again.

Yuck. You're expecting your very young teenage daughter to accept a woman into her life when her mum left 6 months ago??! And your argument is that the relationship ended before that. How does the fact you and your ex's relationship deteriorated years ago have anything to do with your daughter being expected to accept a 6 month long relationship and possibly a bloody sibling?

The only person you're thinking about is you and saying 'don't I deserve to be happy' is entirely selfish and doesn't suggest you're the great Dad you think you are.

I was with you in thinking your daughter is being unfair until you said your wife only left earlier this year.
Slow the fuck down. Your daughter shouldn't even know that you have a girlfriend yet let alone be talking about moving in and other kids.

Give her chance to get used to life with her parents not together before you spring other life changed on her. If your wife has selfishly abandoned her daughter you need to step up and be the stable parent.

Didn't get the answer you wanted but I bet you'll do what you want anyway.

Your poor daughter has had her mum leave this year , you’ve been dating 6 months and are already considering adding a step child into the mix to keep your younger girl friend happy ( who your daughter hasn’t met).. SELFISH!

You don't know me or how I am with my child so what you say doesn't affect me.