Child hates me having a girlfriend

[HopperDash]

Hi. I'm a man reaching out for advice from a female perspective so please be gentle.

I am divorced and currently have sole custody of my teen daughter. I am 50 and have been seeing a lovely woman who is 38 for sometime. We get on great, however and understandably she is at an age where she would like to have children sooner than later. I am happy with this, I am a young 50 and very healthy for my age and a great Dad.

My daughter is already finding it hard for me to have a girlfriend and has stated that she doesn't want to meet her, let alone her living with me and the idea of me having another child and sibling would flip her out greatly. She's been crying a lot just me seeing someone and I feel awful.

I understand all of this as I'm all she has, her relationship with her Mum isn't good and they rarely see each other. I'm torn, as I definitely don't want to damage her or our relationship either, but also don't want to lose my girlfriend. In five years my daughter will be an adult and I don't want to be on my own so have had to be slightly selfish by seeing someone to begin with. It'll only get harder over time otherwise.

My child means everything to me and is not being capricious, merely I'm all she has and I think she can't bear me giving my love to someone else or losing me.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Your marriage only broke down earlier this year and you are already in a 6 month long relationship, thinking about having kids and wondering why your child is upset at you moving on?!

The person I feel bad for most is your girlfriend, who’s hitched her fertility wagon to an absolute train wreck of a situation with a man mere weeks from exiting a 20 year marriage, whose main concern is being young for his age and being able to get his leg over without his daughter killing his buzz by keeping him ‘housebound’.

I can’t imagine why a previously loving, caring woman might have reached the end of her rope with a partner like this.

And 38 year olds go through menopause too you know.

Ridiculous argument. 18 is a child regardless of what the law says. 38 is a fully grown adult who I think would knows what they want in life and who with.

She only left earlier this year?!
And you're already focusing on having new babies with shiny girlfriend rather then helping your daughter heal from trauma she went through so recently?

Sorry but words fail me. Your poor daughter.

You do realise the girlfriend will be entering peri-menopause and menopause too within the not so distant future?

Are you ready for what that could look like for a woman with a teenage step-daughter and a very young child or children?

All the more reason to date someone your own age who's already through it or coping with it.

My friend had a few babies in her later 30s and now at 39 is in full blown peri, raging at her husband, the babies and anyone who loves her but as she is still breastfeeding and (madly) considering another child or two,
no one will prescribe her HRT, nor does she believe/agree with hormonal intervention anyway. I'd be very surprised if her marriage lasts another 3/5 years at this rate.

This could just as easily happen to you and your girlfriend.

Your DDs mum left her THIS YEAR and you don't get why she doesn't want you trying to replace her 6 months later!!

Stop thinking about you and try and think about your DD for a moment.

That certainly sounds to be true op.

I can see that.

But don’t make this a tussle between you and your ex. Is the new wife, new family thing an attempt to show how young and “moved on” you are?

Your DD is distressed by her mothers actions and now about your plans . How about making the tussle about who was the rock for your DD.?

Honestly this is all way too fast. If you have a confused teenage (preteen? Sorry can’t find how old she is) and her mother just left a year ago of course this is too much for her.

She is dealing with a huge upheaval already and just needs some stability for a year or two.

That doesn’t mean never have a relationship but make her your priority for a while. Talking about having a baby with someone you have only been seeing for six months is frankly crazy. Your daughter is still upset by effectively losing her mother. Dont bring someone else into this.

That doesn’t mean you can never have another loving relationship but honestly the timing of it all is too fast. If you are a good dad put your daughter first.

Your child is obviously going to hate this because she probably hasn't even had time to adjust to her mum leaving and you're already talking about babies with your new girlfriend. Poor kid.

SLOW DOWN!

There have been plenty of threads recently where women have been absolutely dragged over the coals for entering relationships after having been left by their partners due to the impact on existing children.

You might be surprised but the female consensus appears to be that once you have children, their needs trump yours.
Generally, women are far better at putting their needs aside to meet those of their family.

If you wanted to "do the best thing" by your daughter, you probably delay serious dating until she has left home and then avoid women who wanted more children.

I think you are unlikely to have trouble meeting someone even in 5 years' time. There are surprisingly few non-dreadful men on the dating scene past a certain age.

But if you seem to now have chosen your partner, you just have to move forwards without deluding yourself - you have put your own needs ahead of those of your daughter.
Fairness can't come into place in a parent-child relationship. The right balance is child's needs first.

I don't know why you think your (barely)ex-wife being a terrible mother means that you should follow suit and commit to being a terrible father. Most people would go the opposite way, but from your responses it seems abundantly clear that you are going cling to whatever excuse you can find to do whatever you want.

Your DD is a child who has been through a traumatic period which is still ongoing if her relationship with her mum is still poor. You're talking about a new partner and baby after less than a year and wondering why DD isn't keen? It sounds like you are considering having a baby to keep your partner which is a terrible reason to have a child. You're prioritising your wants over your DD's needs. I feel for your partner too - you sound flakey and selfish.

JFC you only separated earlier this year and within a few months you’re on another relationship talking about having babies and you wonder why your teenage daughter feels upset and unsettled??

Stop thinking with your dick and put your daughter first ffs!

You're worried about being on your own forever when in reality you were barely on your own 5 minutes before jumping into dating rather than prioritising your daughter

Honestly, it's not a tussle with my wife or me trying to show how young I am, however it comes across. It comes down to being neglected as a partner for several years and wanting and deserving someone who loves and wants to be with me. I didn't chase my girlfriend. My wife may have only left this year, but she left me years ago in spirit and I was honest and loyal the whole time when some people could do otherwise when unloved and unappreciated by their partner.

Yes, but did you think you were a child when you were 18? Mentally 18 year olds are very different to 38 year olds (I don't think that what you are doing with your girlfriend is predatory/icky whereas a 40 year old with an 18 year old is.) However, legally there is no difference between the 18 year old and the 38 year old - both can do what they want.
So, the person you would need to convince that there is a difference would be your daughter, not the poster on here.

And you deserve credit for much of that op.

But your DD is still young, really she is. These coming years are hugely formative. She’s telling you what an emotional mess she is in. A new partner and young children is only going to complicate that.

Hi, OP -

Again perhaps an unpopular opinion, but your DD’s wishes and her wellbeing are not necessarily the same thing.

I am sure this has been very difficult for her and I think possibly some counselling would help you both. If you bow to her wish that you not date, there is every chance that DD, like a PP, could come to regret costing you the chance of happiness. That is a burden you wouldn’t want for her.

Questions of timing, etc are a different matter. You can work them out more easily once you get the basic issue clear.

Best wishes to you both

My pregnancy wasn’t considered high risk by the NHS at all! I didn’t see a doctor the whole time and barely had any midwife appointments. I guess easy previous pregnancies, healthy BMI and lifestyle and no complications at all were factors in that triaging.

Sorry, it's a completely stupid argument. A 38 year old is not the same as an 18 year old. A 40 year old and an 18 year old is plain creepy and wrong as the dynamics in life experience and maturity are all wrong. But, you're entitled to your opinion.

Well, yes of course that does happen I have known it too. I have also known fit and well men in their twenties and thirties succumb to cancer. I met one while his wife was pregnant, he was only in his twenties and seemed well but sadly cancer was discovered and he did not live to even meet his child.
I don’t disagree that OP is pushing it age wise to have another child, but if the fact that some people die at 52 were the reason then where would the cut off be?

Look up elderly primigravida/ advanced maternal age. it is recognised.

I’m not saying you and other older mums are decrepit 🤣, I was 30 when I having mine but there are increased risks with age. Add in an even older dad to this potential scenario and that child is dealing with an elderly parent earlier than most…

Didn’t you say you’re housebound?

I mean this gently as it is clear you have had a crap time with your ex but this is all about you.

All of this will have effected your daughter too.

You mentioned earlier you are a great dad and right now you really need to be by putting your needs on hold for a year or so whilst she copes with everything that has happened. She is likely feeling confused, unsettled and like her mum didn’t love her enough to make it work. Dont make her think you don’t love her enough to put her first whilst she deals with this. Its too soon for her.

Your wife only left your DD this year though. Date who you want, but give your child time to adjust please.

OP your issue is that everything is happening so fast and so soon.

Your marriage only ended earlier this year - your daughter (and likely you too) is still reeling from this massive upheaval.

Of course you can date. Even if your daughter doesn’t like it - you can help her navigate these waters and reassure her through words and actions that meeting someone new doesn’t mean you love her less or aren’t there to support her. You can help her come to terms with it gradually over time and eventually start building a good relationship between her and your partner.

But that’s not what’s happening here. Instead, six months into a new relationship and less than a year on from your wife leaving, you’re very seriously talking about new babies. The time scale is insane to be thinking about these things. They shouldn’t even be on the radar yet. You cannot have a baby without seriously harming your daughter.

You need to have a discussion with your partner and be very honest. Tell her you can’t legitimately commit to having a baby in a year or two because you don’t know if your daughter will be willing or able to accept that. You need to tell her the strong likelihood is that circumstances will never be right for the two of you to have a child together. Ask her if she’s willing to accept that. Don’t give her false hope that it will all work out in a year or two because you can’t know that and it would be cruel to waste her last possibly fertile years on a false promise. Let her decide what she wants to pursue - a relationship with you, or a better chance at having kids of her own.

You simply can’t throw your teenager’s well-being away on a dice roll that launching into a new family won’t harm her.

She will likely know what she wants, yes. Given her age it could be less 'long term relationship' and more 'a baby'.