Child hates me having a girlfriend

[HopperDash]

Hi. I'm a man reaching out for advice from a female perspective so please be gentle.

I am divorced and currently have sole custody of my teen daughter. I am 50 and have been seeing a lovely woman who is 38 for sometime. We get on great, however and understandably she is at an age where she would like to have children sooner than later. I am happy with this, I am a young 50 and very healthy for my age and a great Dad.

My daughter is already finding it hard for me to have a girlfriend and has stated that she doesn't want to meet her, let alone her living with me and the idea of me having another child and sibling would flip her out greatly. She's been crying a lot just me seeing someone and I feel awful.

I understand all of this as I'm all she has, her relationship with her Mum isn't good and they rarely see each other. I'm torn, as I definitely don't want to damage her or our relationship either, but also don't want to lose my girlfriend. In five years my daughter will be an adult and I don't want to be on my own so have had to be slightly selfish by seeing someone to begin with. It'll only get harder over time otherwise.

My child means everything to me and is not being capricious, merely I'm all she has and I think she can't bear me giving my love to someone else or losing me.

Any advice would be appreciated.

My child means everything to me

Actions speak louder than words. If this were true, you wouldn't be contemplating embarking on fatherhood again, knowing how your daughter feels about it

You might want to check your fertility at this age if you want another child, there’s a much higher chance of miscarriage and disability with an older father. Also have you thought about how house bound you will be with a newborn, less time for runs and the gym. I am 42 with a 3 year old, I would not want to do the terrible 2s and 3s in my 50s! Also you will be around 70 when the child leaves for Uni so there will be very little opportunity to travel or enjoy live with your partner child free!

Thinking 50 isn't old to have a baby is nuts. Screaming midlife crisis to me.

Mum left earlier this year. Please don't shoot me everyone and this is a separate thread but I feel the reasons were her going through the menopause the last few years and not acknowledging it (she's 55) so left untreated she went from being a loving, caring wife to someone full of anger and resentment towards me. Always on edge and ready to argue over the most trivial matters and nothing I could do would make it right. I spoke to other parents about this and they recounted similar experiences but their partners got help and their marriages were saved. Mine wasn't because she is was in absolute denial. She took this out on my daughter also which is why their relationship is so strained.

@HopperDash if the only reason for this post is to ask advice on how to get your daughter to accept you dating, you’ve had it. Repeatedly. It’s just that no one has given you the answer you want to hear.

Right now your daughter does not want you to date. You want to call your 6 months girlfriend a partner and have a baby in a year or two without being made to feel uncomfortable or having to make any sacrifices to the timeline you want to run on.
That’s not going to happen. It’s going to cause one of you a great deal of upset.

As you seem resistant to any of the advice from people on here as to how you can have a relationship in a way that allows your daughter to adjust and you to still have your needs met, it’s clear who is going to bear the brunt of the upset.

The menopause can definitely be a factor in relationships ending. It was definitely a factor in mine. All those things I'd managed to overlook for years suddenly became unbearable! Hormones do smooth over a lot of rough edges!

I think your girlfriend’s age is putting undue pressure on the timeline of the relationship and that isn’t fair to either you or your daughter. You are not ready to have another child at the moment and that’s just the way it is, unfortunately. I know that’s really hard for you and your girlfriend to accept but I think her biological clock dictating a timeline that should be dictated by you and your daughter feeling ready for the next steps is going to be a disaster.

You will not be alone for the rest of your life. A nice single man in his 50s with adult children is a catch.

How do you begin to explain to a grown man that he should care about his daughter's wellbeing more than his desire to fulfil his midlife crisis?

Op I can see you have been through a tough time as well as your DD. It’s often really natural to want to have another go at the same plan. But sometimes we are better to pause and reassess what the plan might look like with all the new components.

Your wife left this year? Then you need to slow the fuck down. You're being so selfish.

1. six months is nothing

2. your girlfriend might want kids but do you? Or are you passively going along with it. There is a difference.

3. you might think - as your repeatedly point out - that you look and feel younger than your 50 years. That’s irrelevant, your body is still subject to ageing processes. Despite how much of a catch you think you are, you are still probably saddling any child with 2 elderly parents sooner than most of his/her peers (yes 2, 38/40 is elderly to start having kids)

4. if your child is really struggling, you need to put them first. THAT is what parenting is about. Dating can wait.

Thank goodness for some common sense on this thread.

Also, speaking as a 38 year old woman. I’m happily married but would have no problem fancying and dating a 50 year old. It’s really not the big deal people are making it out to be.

Its hard though, because you can't see how things would have turned out if she had stayed with that boyfriend and he had moved in with you. Maybe he would have turned into a really good, stable male role model for you and all would have been rosy. Alternatively, you could have clashed heads constantly, and it could have set teenage you of on a different path. Or at least messed up your grades in school etc. We can't see the outcome of the choices we didn't make - maybe your mum made the right decision maybe she made the wrong one but she made the best decision she could at the time so I don't think you should feel guilty about that.
As sexist as it sounds, I think that actually a mum bringing a new male into the house when they have a teenage son is the worst scenario in blended families. It can work, but teenage boys go through some very delicate stages and can get confrontational even with their own fathers (the young lion thing). Having an unrelated unknown male in the house trying to impose authority at that age can go really badly wrong (although sometimes its healthy but it takes a lot of patience). Your case is unusual though because the mum isn't really involved in your daughter's life much from the sounds of it. Which puts extra emotional responsibility on you as the only stable parent. She probably doesn't want anyone trying to "replace" her mum, but also doesn't want the one parent (you) in her life being taken away. And in some ways she is right - a new partner let alone a new baby would reduce your ability to focus on her. Which matters more because there is no other parent to take up the load.

It's not about the age gap, it's not about the fact you're 50. It's about responsibilities and life stages OP and I don't think yours and your GFs are in anyway aligned or compatible. In this case I think you really have to consider the child that you have rather than the one your GF wants.

Oh, Jesus wept, you split up with her mum less than a year ago? And you're already 6 months deep into a relationship with a woman you're describing as a 'partner' and planning babies? Yes, dad of the year for sure...

And how many men do you know who were still 'young fit and active' at 52 and beyond?

Ridiculous comment.

38/40 is elderly to start having kids

I just had a kid at 38. I have never been described as elderly before 😂 when can I draw my pension?

I agree. So what, you met your GF a couple of months (if that!) after Mum left? You should have been prioritising your daughter this year and helping her process what has happened, not your love life. And then when it is time to date, don't jump straight into a relationship with the first woman that shows an interest!

I think if anyone was selfish it was my wife leaving me as a single parent.

I wouldn't be planning on having a baby with someone when I've had longer relationships with condiments in my kitchen cupboard

And if you are planning on waiting a year or two that's even more grim and selfish to be well into your 50s by the time any baby is born

how would you feel if your daughter reaches 18 and is in a relationship with a 40 year old 🤔

My wife was 42 when she gave birth. I was 37.

Its technically a "geriatric pregnancy" which is ridiculous wording, and unnecessarily rude. But that is the term. As someone the same age I agree its offensive sounding - but factually pregnancies at that age are considered higher risk (though of course lots of women that age and older have healthy pregnancies and healthy babies).

Why does "not being alone" and "moving on" have to involve an immediate serious relationship and starting a whole new family @HopperDash ?

Why can't you date women who don't want children, and take it slowly until your daughter is older and ready to move out?

I would agree. But this thread isn't about her. It's about you rushing into a new relationship and talking about babies months after a 20 year marriage has ended, giving your dd no time adjust. You are being selfish.* *