Child hates me having a girlfriend

[HopperDash]

Hi. I'm a man reaching out for advice from a female perspective so please be gentle.

I am divorced and currently have sole custody of my teen daughter. I am 50 and have been seeing a lovely woman who is 38 for sometime. We get on great, however and understandably she is at an age where she would like to have children sooner than later. I am happy with this, I am a young 50 and very healthy for my age and a great Dad.

My daughter is already finding it hard for me to have a girlfriend and has stated that she doesn't want to meet her, let alone her living with me and the idea of me having another child and sibling would flip her out greatly. She's been crying a lot just me seeing someone and I feel awful.

I understand all of this as I'm all she has, her relationship with her Mum isn't good and they rarely see each other. I'm torn, as I definitely don't want to damage her or our relationship either, but also don't want to lose my girlfriend. In five years my daughter will be an adult and I don't want to be on my own so have had to be slightly selfish by seeing someone to begin with. It'll only get harder over time otherwise.

My child means everything to me and is not being capricious, merely I'm all she has and I think she can't bear me giving my love to someone else or losing me.

Any advice would be appreciated.

I'm not rushing things, I'm projecting as just having a girlfriend is tough for her. I'm in no rush to have a baby as it may seem, but not against it in a year or so and we've got sidetracked probably because of their age. The main point to this thread was dealing with my daughter not wanting me to date, the rest is subjective at present. That's the only thing real at the moment.

Yes.

Why do you keep referring to your child having 'another woman' living with her? You're almost setting them up as rival women in your mind, competing for your affection.

You are thinking of imposing another adult in your house, is the issue.

It’s not ideal that your new partner is so much younger and both you and her want another child. Of course it would have been so much simpler if you chose a partner your age. However. It’s not healthy for your child to dictate who you can or cannot date. Sure, she may have worries, reservations, abandonment issues but these are to be worked through discussions, therapy, and your responsible approach to progressing with the new relationship. Your daughter has to learn how to understand and manage her thoughts and emotions, not how to restrict your life. This would be the perfect breeding ground for creating a lot of resentment for you and codependency issues for her.
At the same time, be realistic and fair to your new partner and discuss expectations and timelines with her, too. Your relationship progression will have to take into account your daughter’s needs. Can you and your partner wait with moving in, having a child etc? If yes - how long? Whats realistic?

But to be honest op it’s now comjng across that you are not trying to consider all parties. You seem to have made up your mind and want us to say it’s the right course.

Some of us don’t think so.

You are waaaayyyyy ahead of yourself. Just because your daughter is struggling at this point - with the idea of a woman you’ve known 6 months moving in, possibly pregnant- doesn’t mean to say she won’t be absolute fine about the next woman you date.

you know - the one closer in age to you, who may have a child of her own already, who also wants to take it slow and steady, who has her priorities and kid/s to think about, who runs her own household and doesn’t want to rush moving in either. Who DOES become your partner, and you sell your places to buy somewhere together, big enough to have the kids you have already live with your visit back from Uni or travelling….
that one. I have a feeling that your daughter would be okay with that one, given a bit of time and thought.

I do also agree that you need to consider the outcome if, for example, you have a child with disabilities not just if you have a healthy, happy baby/child. That sounds really doom-laden - no reason you wouldn't have another healthy child. But its more of a thing to consider when you already have a child to care for, and not to sound ageist but both you and your girlfriend are older which pushes up the risk factors. 38 isn't old at all and lots of women have healthy pregnancies at that age, but it is harder to get pregnant and it is classed as geriatric pregnancy (rude I know) therefore high risk. There is also a higher risk of things going wrong when the father is older and of illnesses like autism. That sounds really harsh - lots of children are born with severe issues and lead happy lives and are loved by their parents. But when you already have a teenager who needs love and attention the calculations need to be different.
You do need to have an honest conversation with your girlfriend. Her fertility will be declining year on year. If you are going to wait two years and then start trying she needs to know that now. if you are going to wait two years and then start thinking about trying she also needs to know that. If you are going to wait two years but then probably still won't be in the right place if your daughter isn't she needs to know that now (15 year olds usually have more emotional issues and needs than 13 year olds). Without that conversation you risk stringing someone along and ruining their own chances of ever have kids. Or maybe, she would rather stay with you kids or no. But she needs to be able to make an informed choice.

Wow, I didn't know I'm supposed to parent 28 year old kids or plan for all worse case scenarios. I guess on this basis only super rich 20 year olds should bother!

The points on supporting a teen through GCSEs whilst sleep deprived and having space for privacy are very important though.

As a young for my age late 30s mum I forgot how exhausting and all consuming a baby is for both mum and dad.

Most people told this woman to leave her partner expect me and few others.
This was a thread about a partner who already lived with a child since she was 3 and up to the point they got on well! The child was being rude (as 6 years old can be) and some people rightly pointed out that mum needs to set some boundaries rather then throw a partner away after years of living together and being a dad figure to his little step daughter!

This is a thread about a dad of teenager who only known a woman for few months and already plans babies together despite being on different life stages!

My advice would be exactly the same regardless of genders and woman or man, is not a good idea to blend family UNLESS there is a healthy bond between children and adults, and everyone works together as a unit, let alone planning babies together.
All the problems in blended familes start because adults are obsessed with shiny new partner and idea of babies together without realising what it actually takes to make it work. Then end up full of problems , misery and unhappy children.

And I'm saying that as someone who is in second marriage and blended family. It can work and you're allowed to have it all.

Just don't go into it blindfolded and don't treat your children as corellated damage.

Your DD is telling you loud and clear she needs you to prioritise her at the moment and you’re twisting this into you being on your own forever. She’s not ready right now and she should be your absolute focus, not dating and absolutely not thinking about another child.

The time isn’t right at the moment. Step back and wait a bit longer

But OP, you can have a fulfilling life without bringing another child into the mix, with somebody you have only known for a very short time.

Nobody here wants you to be sad and lonely into your old age. And nobody here wants your gf to be hanging around for you to decide which one you are going to hurt.
Let the gf go, - you can’t keep her on the back burner. It’s very unfair.

Surely, you have accumulated friends, work colleagues, neighbours, interests/hobbies of your own by the age of 60. Why is your life so empty without the prospect of starting again from the very beginning of family life at this age.

You are pursuing a younger woman who is desperate for a child when you know how insecure and desperate your own, existing child is feeling.
Why not develop other new friendships instead, which wouldn’t threaten your own dear daughter and which give you the companionship you need. There is a middle ground here.

These are a very important few years for your daughter. You have had your chance at starting out in life already. Support her fully in this period for her sake. Make her your priority. She has already suffered from your marriage break up and has little to no relationship with her mum and you have no family either. She only has you. She needs to feel your unwavering love for her next chapter.

Please, think again.

Let’s face it though, you’d hardly be the first man to damage his relationship with his children by moving on to a younger model of their mother, getting the new woman pregnant and having a whole other young family that takes up all his time and energy and money.

Well she's absolutely mad. I'd bet some money that you haven't actually given her this timescale. No 38 year old woman who wants a baby would hang around that long.

How long is it since her mum left? Poor girl 😢

She likely feels abandoned by the most important person in her life and for that to occur during her early teen years will have had a huge impact on her self esteem. It will have shattered her confidence and left her wondering why she wasn't 'enough' for her mum to stay. You are now the only consistent adult in her life, she needs you. Her confidence, her ability to trust will all depend on the next few years as she navigates puberty and secondary education, all while recovering from her mum leaving.

That doesn't mean you can't date or have a relationship outside the home but you absolutely don't have the resources to be both a great father to her through her teens and be a great father/ partner to a new woman / baby. If you feel 'housebound' by having a teenager who needs you imagine having a pregnant woman/ new mum/ new baby who also need you.

Disagree. I know several people who lost one of their parents young. I never had a father figure and turned out well adjusted with only my mother raising me. Life doesn't run in a straight line and once kids are adults they tend to become more selfish and think of their lives and goals. Your parents can't be around forever whatever age they have you. I'm hardly an ageing rock star at 50.

This isn’t a man thing by the way. If you were a woman posting, I would say EXACTLY the same thing. 6 months too soo- focus on your DD.

I don't mean you should parent a 28 YO. But IME friends that have lost parents in their 20s are traumatised by it. It shapes their lives. It is always sad to lose a parent but 40/50/60 YOs seem to cope with it a lot better.

I'm pretty sure we all know what the outcome will be here.

However, your daughter is at an age where this will really impact her and her life negatively. You're just rushing into a new relationship, and considering having a baby, with no regard for the feelings of your daughter, the reality that you'd be a very ageing parent of a teen, and the high likelihood that the new relationship would break down (anything done this hastily is unlikely to work well) leaving an older mother having to bring up a child on her own.

As advised by the majority of posters (and ignored by you) having a relationship with a woman your own age would hugely take the pressure off - your daughter would have plenty of time to get used to the situation before you needed to move in together (if you ever do), less pressure on either side for the relationship to work, which actually makes it more likely to work, and no worries about bringing a new baby into the world with old parents, just to prove your virility.

What do you actually want out of a relationship - just to not be lonely?

If a 50 year old woman was posting about whether or not she should get pregnant by her new partner I would think she needed a lesson in biology.

Then why are you getting so far ahead of yourself worrying about babies when you should just be getting to know her and warming your DD up to the thought of you dating?
I suspect you know your gf can't/won't wait in reality.

It’s not hard to believe at all.

So you see your girlfriend once a week at best, and it’s been six months. You are so massively ahead of yourself it’s mad.

She needs to meet your child and take it from there. I know the child doesn’t want that, but c’est la vie. This is very different from what you initially posted about.

Whilst I agree your daughter comes first and she needs all the time she needs to get used to a new woman in your life, I also think it must be hard on you as you want to move on.

Sadly the GF age is an issue. She has every right to want children soon but your daughter needs time the GF doesn’t have. What if the GF doesn’t like you daughter? What if it becomes too much and she leaves because it’s all been rushed and no to get to know each other? That’s another woman walking out of her life.

Your daughter needs to meet this woman, get to know her, spend time with her etc before you even think about moving in together (if you do at all until she’s an adult). By that time she maybe too old to have a child and that’s not fair on her either. It’s not just your daughter’s life that could be impacted the GF could end up resenting you too.

In my opinion I really think you need to find someone who is either not wanting children, has grown up children or is much younger and has time for your daughter first.

Ahh it's only been six months. That's no time at all. Your daughter is probably freaking out if you've already mentioned the possibility of having a baby with a woman you barely know. If you slow everything right down, introduce your GF and daughter when both are ready, then start thinking about the future once that relationship is properly established, you'll probably be fine.

Your male mates will undoubtedly think you should move you GF in and have a baby and your daughter should just lump it. A lot of men are not given to introspection or have much emotional intelligence though. That's why you're on here, presumably - for more of an insight into how this might actually work for your daughter.

OP I’m really sorry but by no measure are you not at the older end of the scale to be considering fathering a newborn.

Increasingly I think there are other strands in this thread that need detangling.

A young 50 ha !
50 is 50
and too old to start all over again with a baby. you will be an old daddy and the baby will have a retired daddy by the time the baby goes to University. and don't expect to live long enough to see grandchildren from this baby.