Child hates me having a girlfriend

[HopperDash]

Hi. I'm a man reaching out for advice from a female perspective so please be gentle.

I am divorced and currently have sole custody of my teen daughter. I am 50 and have been seeing a lovely woman who is 38 for sometime. We get on great, however and understandably she is at an age where she would like to have children sooner than later. I am happy with this, I am a young 50 and very healthy for my age and a great Dad.

My daughter is already finding it hard for me to have a girlfriend and has stated that she doesn't want to meet her, let alone her living with me and the idea of me having another child and sibling would flip her out greatly. She's been crying a lot just me seeing someone and I feel awful.

I understand all of this as I'm all she has, her relationship with her Mum isn't good and they rarely see each other. I'm torn, as I definitely don't want to damage her or our relationship either, but also don't want to lose my girlfriend. In five years my daughter will be an adult and I don't want to be on my own so have had to be slightly selfish by seeing someone to begin with. It'll only get harder over time otherwise.

My child means everything to me and is not being capricious, merely I'm all she has and I think she can't bear me giving my love to someone else or losing me.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Your daughter hasn't even met the woman and youre talking about getting her pregnant.
You say in 5 years she will be an adult? That's more than a third of her life already.
I think with everything that's happened with her mum, youve got to step up and parent your daughter. Potentially her adult mental health and the way she sees her worth regarding men is potentially hanging in the balance here.
Take more time with your daughter and hold off with the romantic relationships.

Does your gf want to wait a year or 2?

It's ridiculous to suggest having a child with someone you've been dating for a few months, and your child hasn't even met her. You aren't thinking clearly at all. Foisting this woman on your daughter in her home would be completely wrong. You would be incredibly selfish to consider it, yet you seem to have yourself on a bit of a pedestal as a 'good man'.

Could you not just see someone casually without disturbing your child's home?

My wife left me and my daughter. Hard to believe I know, but true. I have a couple of parents who babysit at the weekend but yes, during the week I am housebound.

You absolutely deserve to find a loving life long partner, we all do but you are in the very early days of a relationship and both moving way too quickly.

Your gf is panicking because at 38 her biological clock is ticking and you are desperate for some love and affection.

Please don't jump the gun and rush into having a child so soon into a relationship. That's not fair on your dd or a new child.

And being a 'young' 50 year old means very little. I'm 51, I look young for my age, I think and dress young but I'm under no illusions, my body is 51 years old and caring for a young.child would be absolutely draining and I would not want to be a 60 year old parent to a 10 year old, that's unfair imo.

Maybe think how fortunate you are to have on child already, many aren't that lucky.

There wouldn't be the same issues though. A woman in her fifties getting together with a 38 year old man wouldn't be considering having children again or that it was "now or never" for the man. That said, I do think for most teenagers their 50 year old mum getting together with a bloke in his mid thirties would be weird for the teenager and hard to get their head around. Not saying its impossible to ever work, but a woman doing that and not considering the consequences for her children would be extremely foolish! No idea if she would be called out on it on here, but I would worry about the impact on the child especially if they were a young man without a stable father figure which is the mirror image of the OPs situation.
Ironically, I think a younger women (mid-twenties) would be less of an issue since they would have more time. An older woman (45 plus) would also be less of an issue. But the OP is the one who brought up the extra pressure the woman's age brings and he is right to consider that.

I would say that your daughter needs some therapy to help her deal with the changes that have been imposed on her with no control, joint therapy to look at moving forward with her and your relationship and the boundaries needed. If the girlfriend can't wait for that then you need to let her go so she can find someone to have a child with that is not you - introducing that into your family unit would cause mayhem at the moment and she doesn't have the time to wait.

The situation needs management and empathy not you imposing your will on things willy nilly

It doesn't matter how much of a 'young' 50YO you are. There is a high chance you will die before this child turns 30. This child will likely still live with you when your health declines, would you expect them to care for you rather than doing the things young adults/teens should be doing. Little chance of playing an active grandparent role to any DC they have. High chance the child may have disabilities. Given the age of you (and your partner) who would look after a disabled child when you are gone, your daughter? And the added pressure of your daughter needing to support a teen/young adult through your death. How will you support your DC through GCSEs/A levels whilst sleep deprived? Is your home big enough to give your DD peace to revise with a toddler in the house? Can you afford large childcare bills whilst supporting DD through uni?

And this is too true.

If she’s pressuring you for a child this early on, she’s showing how selfish she is and that your daughter’s feelings are inconsequential to her.

Not a happy road for your daughter ahead if you decide to proceed with this woman.

And many people do postpone dating until their kids are older, following a traumatic break up. She’s a delicate age. Waiting a few more years really isn’t that big a deal to a “great parent”.

Re-assure your daughter that nothing is being rushed - if that’s actually true.
Perhaps a 38 old isn’t going to be right for you, you’re 6 months in and talking about kids?
So say you stay together another year, then your try for a baby, another few months - then baby is born.
Suddenly you’re a dad again at 53/54? To a baby??? I think that’s mad.

As for being ‘transparent’ with your kid - she IS still a child .She’s not your friend, she’s your child and personally I would be more careful with how ‘open’ you are with her.
6 months is nothing in a relationship… I’m not surprised she’s struggling with everything

You've been with this woman 6 months, that is way, way too soon to be considering having a child. You need to give it another year or two at least.....which means by the time your new child is 18 you's be in your 70's. IMO you are too old to consider it no matter how fit you think you are. My dad ran a marathon in his 70th year, didn't stop him dying from cancer a couple years later.

All that is without considering your teen who is already traumatised by the split and the poor relationship with her mother. She needs you right now to put her first. She needs to be your priority. Not getting another woman you've known 5 minutes pregnant.

Honestly you say you're a great dad but you're making your traumatised 13 year old desperately unhappy. I doubt you'll listen though because no doubt you'll put keeping the considerably younger woman you've found sweet over your poor daughter. Yeah, great dad.

I am beyond fortunate to have a child, and a great one at that. It's not my main point although it seems to have become solely about that. The issue is me having a girlfriend full stop. The having a baby or being a step parent to someone's child is part of the dilemma I'm in just by dating anyone, as to how it will affect our relationship and to balance this out. My daughter doesn't want me to date anyone, with or without children. It's understandable but I think not fair on me. She will have her own life and family one day hopefully and I'll be without what I want, which is a loving partner.

Housebound? Come on OP you are a parent.

You're jumping ahead of yourself, you are five minutes into this relationship and assuming your other half will leave you if you don't have a baby soon. Has she actually said this? Has she given you an ultimatum about baby before even meeting your DD?

I bet your male friends do have an entirely different perspective because 1) you’ve scored with a much younger woman 2) I genuinely have yet to see one of my male divorced friends/ circle put their children first before their own needs the way the women have

@Baguettesandcheeseforever absolute nonsense. Women on here who want to moan about their children not wanting to accept a strange man in their house quite rightly get their arses handed to them. If anything posters have been more understanding on this thread.

@HopperDash At 6 months you do not have a partner, you have a new girlfriend who you are still getting to know. Using the word partner to infer serious so people back you against your clearly upset child is not the way to go about things.

The fact you are considering a child in a relationship this new, coupled with you repeatedly telling us how young you are and what a great guy, screams insecurity. You speak as if this is your very last chance to have a relationship and you need everyone to validate this decision which may cause your daughter huge upset, because it’s now or never.

If you are a young 50 as you keep saying, and young enough to be starting from scratch with a new family, you are young enough to end this relationship and find one more suited to the timeline you need to work to, to allow your daughter to adjust to the reality.

What you can’t do is waste the time of a woman who has limited fertile years left or rush into starting a new family with someone you still barely know, in panic. Both of those choices are selfish and about meeting your needs first and foremost.

No one is saying you should never have a relationship but as many mothers find out, there are ways to spend time building a relationship with a future, giving it the time and space to grow, without foisting it on a child who has had a lot of upheaval and only one secure parent. It doesn’t have to be having a baby level of talks within 6 months. Even without your daughter that kind of rushing things should ring alarms bells for most people.

No ultimatum. But it's in my mind and my daughter has told me how much it would affect her having another woman let alone a child living with me. It may seem I'm getting ahead of myself, I get it but these are things I need to consider for all parties.

She’s a child right now. You do t know what’s going to happen in 5/10 years time but you’re hanging everything on a 6 month relationship. And that’s mad.
This woman is THE one, is she?? After 6 months you’re certain? How much time has she spent with the child you have?

You need to take one thing at a time. You shouldn't be thinking about babies when they haven't even met. If you can't take things slowly and introduce them properly, this isn't the right girlfriend for you.

It's likely that your daughter doesn't want you dating anyone with or without children because she can sense that you haven't got your decision making and priorities in order and it's likely to turn out very much not in her favour.

Just to add a bit of perspective from a parent of a DC that has autism too. Which most would describe as mild as he copes at mainstream school. He is nearly 8 and has never slept through the night. Cannot cope with wrap around care and I need to be available at all times incase school ring. He is now very strong. Requires constant supervision to keep him safe. How would you cope with a teen like this, at 65?

Six months?? You'd be risking throwing away your relationship with your daughter for a relationship you've been in 6 months.

The teen years can be very tricky. Realistically, if you want to be a good dad to your daughter, you cannot go having a new baby with a girlfriend your daughter hasn't even met yet.

Come on now, your time for being a dad has passed.

If you don't have a baby with this woman, and you don't continue the relationship, it doesn't mean you're destined to be alone forever. Once your daughter has flown the nest you can start dating again, and find someone your own age who's at a similar life stage.

Don't throw your relationship with your daughter away for a woman you've known six months.

Why have you been discussing having a child with your new girlfriend, with your daughter?

Stop catastrophising. You are perfectly able to date, as you have been.

And the idea that at 55 there will be no single women for you to date is not true. Unless, what you really mean is that you want a much younger woman and you feel your ability to attract one is waning?

No one is saying you have to live the rest of your life alone. You can continue to date and take things very slowly so your daughter has time to get used to the idea. You might introduce a partner to your daughter after a year. They might move in after 5 years when your daughter is going to Uni.

People are focused on the fact your GF is 38 and wants a baby asap because that is the very opposite to the slow and steady approach. And people also feel empathy towards the GF who could potentially lose the chance to have her own children if you drag it out and continue giving her hope.

So you've been dating someone for six months that you only get to see at weekends (& presumably not every weekend as you'll be spending some with your child).

So in reality you've spent about 30 days/evenings with your GF.

Your DC isn't ready to meet her yet, which is absolutely her right. Say your relationship continues for another 6 months and your DD still doesn't want to meet her, so you leave it until 18 months. You're 51 & GF is 39 by this point. DD is 14.

You sensibly take the meeting up between GF and DD slowly and it takes 6 months to a year for them to build a bond. You're 52 and GF is 40, DD is 15.

You then trial living together for a year. If this goes smoothly, which it may not, living as a blended family is HARD, you then decide to try and conceive. You're 53 and GF is 41, DD is 16 & going through GCSEs.

You're both considered "geriatric parents" so statistically it's likely to take longer to conceive, but let's say you're lucky and it takes only approximately a yr to conceive. You're 54 and GF is 42, DD is 17.

You have a baby. You're 55, GF is 43. DD is 18 and doing A levels.

It's possible, if all goes well for that to happen and everyone be happy.

What's more likely is that the GF is not going to want to wait that long to try and conceive, or if you do wait that long, you need IVF or similar to be able to have a child, or you find yourselves unable to have a child at all

Even if all goes well, is this in the best interest of your existing DC, your GF and your imaginary baby who would start school when you are 60?