Does this count as sexual assuault?

[AzureoftheEast]

A few weeks ago when we woke in the morning my partner told me that while I had been sleeping he had been kissing my bottom all over. He didn't say this in a threatening way, he just told me as if he had been doing something nice for me. I had no idea of this, I must point out that I had not been drinking the night before, I am sure I had not been drugged. I know that if a man has sexual intercourse or attempts it with a woman while she is asleep that is rape or sexual assault. I am feeling very confused now about what happened. At the time I thought nothing of it but now I am wondering about it. I feel a little stupid because a knowledge of consent in my job is a big thing and I assume my partner knows about such things because of his job too. I know that just because of his job that does not preclude him from sexual assault of course. In the past when it comes to sex he has always been very gentle and respectful but I have been doing some reading and found out that having sex with a sleeping partner is a fetish for some people. That makes a bit of sense because when we met he was not confident when it came to sex and not that experienced. We do not live together and have been together for 18 months. I have good friends but this is not something I want to discuss with them. Would like the perspective of more objective others to get some clarity on this please.

What if he'd been kissing the top of your head, or your elbow while you slept? Seems to me like he was overcome with affection rather than it being anything untoward.

The fact that he told us indicates he he thinks it's OK. If you are uncomfortable with it then tell him
If after telling him he does it again then it's definitely assault

Just want to add that now I am looking back on our relationship and thinking about lots of things. He told me once that while on holiday he had shared a bed with his 14 year old daughter - nothing sexual they slept in the same bed because of the accommodation but I know my dad would never have done that and it feels off. I would like to point out that his daughter is an adult now and he does not have contact with children in his job. Whilst I do not know everything he does, I have no reason to have concern that he is a danger to children. I would like to say that I do have a tendency to over think things and our relationship is not in great shape at the moment in any case down to things that are not related to this.

The kid thing is innocuous and you 9ver thinking unless he has given you reason to think he is a pedophile.

The kissing your bottom thing...I'm undecided. If you haven't given consent then it is a violation.

I would perhaps tell him you don't like the idea of him doing things to you, even if just kissing, whilst you are asleep and unable to give consent. Lay some boundaries and see how he takes it.

Was your bottom covered or uncovered?

I think that kissing someone’s bottom over the top of their PJs or a duvet is definitely affectionate.
Direct to skin is more ambiguous but still could be innocent and also depends on the nature of the kisses.

I wouldn’t be worried about him sharing a bed with his daughter.

This is an interesting question and to be honest I don't know the answer. Your bottom is a private part of you, so I don't think it's the same as him kissing your head while you sleep. After all, many people (myself included) might kiss their children on the head or cheek while they're sleeping and no one could call that assault. The bottom is quite a different matter.

I think the most important thing is how it made you feel, and if you're not comfortable with it or with other things he has done, then maybe you should walk away. You don't need validation from other people to feel or respond that way.

If you're at the point of questioning whether what your partner did was SA then I would say there is not much trust in your relationship and you don't really feel safe with him.

I think it depends really. It does happen in relationships, I know both my husband & I have done this as some point with the intention being to wake & have sex. However we both know we are okay with that, if you’re not then tell him, and if he does it again knowing it’s not okay then that is NOT okay.

Re. Sharing a bed with his daughter on holiday due to accommodation, no issue with that at all. I know we’ve been in that situation and never thought anything of sharing with any family member for the sake of hotel issues.

Honestly. I think you are way overthinking.

Tell him you are uncomfortable about him kissing your bottom and if he does it again then it’s an issue.

He just sounds affectionate to me.

You are expressing a lot of anxiety about this man. In what sense is he your partner? Do you live with him? Are you sharing everything? Do you just see him occasionally? You don’t seem to feel like you know him or can trust him.

I think you should have a hard think about what is triggering this anxiety? Are you starting to see new things about him? Or is something else in your life unsettling you and you are projecting it into the relationship?

I really wouldn’t like someone doing that to me.

it was uncovered

Very insightful of you. I do not think there is anything else going on in my life but I am starting to see new things about him in particular (which is not his fault) bi polar. He told me about that as soon as we met but he has been going through his first major depressive episode since we met. It is really hard, he is OK and safe and I am getting some support with that.

Ok, so do you know what the nature of the kisses were? Little pecks or more sexual? Was he trying to wake you up in the hope you’d be interested in sex?

I think the fact that he told you suggests (as a pp points out) that he didn’t think it was assault.
I also think that if you feel this uncomfortable with it you really need to tell him so that he doesn’t do it again.

This kind of thing is exactly why sexual assault isn't taken seriously. You were not assaulted OP, your partner kissed you when you were asleep and told you about it when you woke. That was your opportunity to either say 'aww that's sweet' or 'please don't do that again' - it isn't an opportunity to claim sexual assault.

The thing about his daughter, why do you mention this? Do you think he is a sexual predator? What's the situation here?

Have you told him you are creeped out by it and not to do it again?

@AzureoftheEast

You seem to be overthinking things - a lot.

It's so sad that affectionate in a loving relationship must be viewed with mistrust and suspicion. So many people today have warped minds.

When you say "kissing your bottom" do you literally mean little loving kisses on your butt? If so, that just sounds affectionate to me. He told you about it, sounds like there was nothing hugely sexual or creepy but only you can know that.

Or...do you mean performed oral sex? That's a whooooole other matter.

If the first, as others have said, it's a perfectly simple adult conversation "I've had a think and am a little uncomfortable being kissed / touched in intimate areas when not fully aware, please could you not do that in future". But it does sound like you're looking for issues unless there's a lot more to this from past incidents too. Being bi polar in no way makes someone a sexual predator!

Gosh this sounds like hard work must be difficult for men now everything is questioned as sexual assault. I woke up once to my ex down on me I didn’t question if it was sexual assault found it a turn on tbh. All he did was kiss you? Sounds like you are looking for issues

Everyone is different. Just because you like something doesn’t mean everyone will. And obviously not everything is ‘questioned as sexual assault’, but kissing someone’s arse while they are sleeping is definitely questionable imo.

He told me once that while on holiday he had shared a bed with his 14 year old daughter - nothing sexual they slept in the same bed because of the accommodation but I know my dad would never have done that and it feels off.

This is irrelevant. Many parents have shared a bed with their child at some point.

I personally wouldn’t feel comfortable knowing I was asleep and someone had been kissing my bum. Are you ok with him doing that or has he made you feel uncomfortable? If it’s the latter then you need to tell him not to do that again because you don’t like it.

Won't be long before some women are i sitting their husbands are sleeping in another room and have to sign a fifty page document detailing what they can or can't do.

Some of these responses are getting ridiculous. The op isn’t wrong to have concerns about her partner doing something to her while she’s asleep. What the “something” is doesn’t really matter. Most men know not to intimately touch a sleeping woman unless it’s something they’re both comfortable with. I can’t be the only person who would not want somebody’s face up against my bare arse while I’m asleep.

I would consider the fact that he told her he’d done it to be boundary testing behaviour rather than he didn’t think he’d done anything wrong.

If you think your partner has violated your boundaries and has nefarious intentions towards his daughter, then finish the relationship.

Oh come on, you don't kiss someone's bottom all over when you're full of affection.