Does this count as sexual assuault?

[AzureoftheEast]

A few weeks ago when we woke in the morning my partner told me that while I had been sleeping he had been kissing my bottom all over. He didn't say this in a threatening way, he just told me as if he had been doing something nice for me. I had no idea of this, I must point out that I had not been drinking the night before, I am sure I had not been drugged. I know that if a man has sexual intercourse or attempts it with a woman while she is asleep that is rape or sexual assault. I am feeling very confused now about what happened. At the time I thought nothing of it but now I am wondering about it. I feel a little stupid because a knowledge of consent in my job is a big thing and I assume my partner knows about such things because of his job too. I know that just because of his job that does not preclude him from sexual assault of course. In the past when it comes to sex he has always been very gentle and respectful but I have been doing some reading and found out that having sex with a sleeping partner is a fetish for some people. That makes a bit of sense because when we met he was not confident when it came to sex and not that experienced. We do not live together and have been together for 18 months. I have good friends but this is not something I want to discuss with them. Would like the perspective of more objective others to get some clarity on this please.

There’s nothing at all boring about giving and getting enthusiastic consent from your partner. Or about talking it through.

It’s a shame you think that sort of communication is something to be laughed at. It’s a really hot, brilliant thing.

I don’t think you’re helping the OP by belittling her experience.

😂😂😂im laughing so hard.

Are you challenged? It’s quite odd communicating via childish gifs. If you have a different opinion to others, then explain your point of view. This would be more productive than replying with silly gifs. (Yes im sure you will reply to this comment with one too because you’re SO cooky and funny)

For all you know the child was conceived by IVF or a one-night stand.

It didnt seem like that but I apologise for getting it wrong and being rude

No one has criticised this.

This thing being criticised is the attitude to consent.

No one's roasting anyone for what they do in their own relationships @Unsatisfactory. It's the childish jokes and hilarity that are out of place on a thread about sexual consent. Why don't you and Beavis and Butthead take your BJ jokes and gifs to another thread?

It’s really not the same.

I don’t have a wife or a chopper but if I did, I’d have had a conversation about it first.

I'm not sure what you’re finding hard to understand?

Mostly every comment on here is cracking me up to night.
So needed a good laugh.

No one’s getting roasted for that. If both people are happy with it, that’s fine.

OP clearly isn’t happy and there was seemingly no discussion before. That’s the issue.

When the other person is sleeping and can’t say yes or no?

When it involves intimate areas of the body

When there’s been no discussion beforehand

When it makes someone like the OP feel how she describes.

The attitude of “God, you’re boring if you insist on explicit consent” is such a barrier to women feeling able to have these conversations- particularly younger women and girls.

The posters laughing about it are actively contributing to a culture that puts women and girls at risk.

I suspect they actually are juvenile boys. Either that or they're people who sadly have not had the education/do not have the capacity to understand the legal and moral implications around sexual consent.

This.

Kissing arse? How about smelling hair? Kissing a neck? When does closeness become pervy.

Normal people can tell the difference. If you can't, maybe you're not ready for big grown-up relationships.

I would call my DP a weirdo n ask why he didn't just wake me up but I wouldn't assume sexual assault. But I trust him and don't think he'd do that to me. I'd think he wanted sex or something and was trying to wake me up. It seems you're uncomfortable with it..therefore let him know. I don't think he would've told you if he was trying to sexually assault you.

So that’s your boundary.

The OP’s is different.

That’s why communicating is so important.

He's testing your boundaries. You need to say no now absolutely clearly, as if you don't he will take it one step further each time, until suddenly you are faced with something that makes you really uncomfortable. You know in your heart of hearts that you don't feel comfortable and you need to trust that instinct. You need to lay down the law in no uncertain terms and make it clear to him that if he does not respect your wishes you have no qualms about calling it sexual assault and taking appropriate action. The message you should send him loud and clear is that there is to be absolutely no sexual contact while you are asleep. Full stop. The end.

It sounds like you still need to get to the bottom of this 😀

In triplicate of course….

Generally sharing a bed while on holiday isn't something I would find off.

My OH and our kids often have to share beds in hotels. The girls are 18&16 FYI.
And refuse to share so we have one 'kid' each.
If they weren't comfortable doing this then obviously it wouldn't be okay.

This is what it comes down too.

If it made you feel uncomfortable then tell him. If you are comfortable enough with his response then give him another chance. You obviously have reservations and other worries so move on.

I've been woken up for sleepy sex before by my DH gently stroking me. If I'm not okay with that he wouldn't do it.

OP isn’t certain what her boundary is. Hence the post. But I think what matters here us not whether other people, in other relationships, would or would not be comfortable with it but whether she is.

I think its a borderline case. Its not clearly assault (nonviolent, while in a consensual intimate relationship, he thought it was permitted) and its not clearly normative (while she was asleep, unexpected, previously unencountered, unconsented).

Being borderline just means OP has to think hard about what she wants and if she wants this man? Can she regain trust after his action? Does he understand why it was a problem for her (that it was not ok?). Will he substitute his judgement or pleasure for hers again? Dies a discussion of boundaries strengthen their relationship or push them farther apart?

That is what needs to happen. He might be a great guy but OP still needs to get rid of him if they can’t agree on the way to move forward.