Husband just walked out- intimacy issues

[Newstart2024]

Bit of background, me and DH have 3 kids aged 7,4 and 2. My libido always been a bit lower than his but okay, we talked about it before marriage and with our vicar in wedding counselling prior and dh said he couldnt live in a sexless marriage. Which is fine by me I agreed.
Since then and with the children our sex life has been up and down and on a down patch after our second we had some counselling where husband says he doesn’t feel desired, touch is a love language and he always initiates which makes him feel like he’s pressuring me. He basically said if things didn’t improve he’d leave because it’s so important to him. we talked it through (though counsellor wasn’t great and part of her advice was to stop breastfeeding??!!!). we were okay for a while.
Recently I’ve changed contraception and after sorting it finally my husband suggested we try for intimacy once a week and he didn’t always want to intiate.

This was fine at first but last few weeks we haven’t and I didn’t think anything of it. Then last weekend he did suggest we go upstairs but I’d hurt my neck and told him it might be worth waiting a few days which he was annoyed about but he knows it’s true!

Cut to mid week last week and after we did kids bedtime I came down and he had packed a bag! He told me he had arranged a room through air bnb and was moving there. He was very calm saying he had always been clear about intimacy and he couldn’t see the marriage continuing. The air bnb is 10 minute walk away and he left.
I have been left overnight with kids and doing breakfast in the morning. I normally do this but sometimes he is here working from home or sometimes he has left for the office. I do the childminder drop off for youngest and school runs. We both work, then one of us will pick kids up from childminder at 5:30-6. He has come here after work to help with bedtimes then off back to the air Bnb!!!

Last night he sent an email saying this weekend he would be back home with family (they live 150 miles away) and then he would look after kids next weekend. He said we can discuss a longer term solution. He has the money to rent a room I’m sure but that money we have been putting towards our holidays etc. He earns more than me.

I am totally blindsided and don’t know what to do next?! When I’ve talked to him he said he hasn’t ruled out reconciling but doesn’t know how things are expected to change when we’ve already discussed and had counselling about this issue before. I’d be willing to make more of an effort but it’s just not on my radar as much as him.

Ideas? He’s really calm and just seems a bit sad and in “I’ve got a plan” mode?! I’ve been frustrated upset and shocked and asked him to stay and talk but he’s just been going back to air bnb and wants to talk when situation a bit clearer and calmer? Kids are okay but confused their day is pretty much the same.

Divorce is never a fun thing. You both want different things. Maybe it's best for everyone. He can find someone who wants to be intimate more and you can find someone who doesn't want to to be intimate as much. Neither of you are wrong you just are not compatible.

That's really dismissive of his needs. Men have different needs in marriage than women do, and most want to be desired by their wives and want to connect and feel close to them through sex and intimacy. Sex is the only thing that separates marriage from any other relationship. It's possible that he's selfish and thinks he's the centre of the universe, but given that we're talking about a husband here, someone who loved OP enough to marry her and have children with her, it's more likely that he has given up all hope of having the special connection and intimacy he craves with his wife, and feels rejected and unwanted and unloved.

I'm not criticising OP; I'm also not hugely sexual in longterm relationships, but via a long and difficult former marriage and lots of research, I leaned some hard truths about love, sex, marriage, and men. Assuming a man is a decent one, what they deeply crave is a sexual connection with their wife, to feel desired and important and special to her. When they're sexually rejected by a wife, specifically, they feel less of a man and less successful in life. It really affects their happiness and confidence in a way that sexual rejection in a dating relationship/informal relationship doesn't. If their wife doesn't want them, they feel like a failure. It really affects them psychologically. It's very hard for us women to get our heads around it, but it's worth doing some reading about what sex means to men in committed relationships.

Some women refuse to accept all the above and think that all men just want to get their leg over, which is untrue and unfair.

Probably because counsellors are not likely to know much about Bf or have any training in it. As demonstrated by what you’ve written there. There are lots of reasons to bf a two year old. Try reading up on it. And plenty of women BF and have more kids 🤦🏼‍♀️
It’s not her fault or her child’s that her husband prefers to put sx before anything else. Don’t blame them!

That's not at all what happened.
Are you missing the part where they went for counselling more than once and agreed on a compromise?
He didn't just stomp his feet and demand, he approached the issue in a healthy way. Anyone will walk out on anyone if they're needs aren't being met, that is their right.

You have no idea what my opinion would be if it was a woman in the same scenario so the whataboutery is stupid and pointless.

Since you’re so interested, I don’t think anyone should be forced into have sex they don’t want to have.

An issue that needs to be worked on? It’s been like this for 16 years, it’s gone way beyond that x

Of course no one should be forced to have sex, that's rape.

Equally, no one should be forced to stay in a relationship with no intimacy.

I don't get all the arguments about sex or no sex. The best bit if advice I ever had, from an older lady, 40 years ago, was "if women have a constant headache and don't have sex, men go elsewhere".

The fact you ha e different libidos may be a fundamental issue. The key issue here is that I expect he's started to get what he wasn't getting at home elsewhere time will tell but don't be surprised op.

I'm sorry you are going through this but I think you have to resolve for the separation to be permanent. Hopefully you will both end up happy.

with 3 young kids and work of course sex is not going to be like when you were childless and younger. He’s being a selfish tw@t. Suggest to him you stop working and get an au pair so that you are fresh and ready for sex as often as he wants it.

he wants 3 kids, a working wife, a household helper, and a sex-crazed wife all rolled into one. What’s going to happen when you hit perimenopause and the menopause?

he’s as selfish as they come. If sec is that important to him, then he should not have had kids that way you’d always be available.

Well no, because he's told her she has to initiate. I find it really oppressive actually, much more so than just expecting her to put out.

I agree. A huge number of posters on this site are like this - very much “LTB” etc at every opportunity. Men are positively despised on here. I would never ask MN for relationship advice ever. I enjoy reading threads but wouldn’t ever ask advice.

I think he’s done the right thing OP. This situation will keep cropping up throughout your marriage and if he has left because he’s unhappy with the incompatibility, at least he’s being proactive. So many stay and suffer it with the resentment building more and more as the months go by. Maybe he’ll change his mind and want to talk at some point to see if it can be fixed.

This is such a good tip - for everything in life!

I don’t think he should stay. I think OP should lock the door behind him! She can’t continue to live a life where she “has to” have sex to “keep” her husband. It’s no life for anybody and the resentment will destroy their relationship regardless.

I don’t think this is about intimacy btw - I think this is solely about sex. OP said her husband won’t hug or kiss her unless it leads somewhere.

I think you need to realise that it is a deal breaker for him and it is trivialising his feelings to say he is being a bit dramatic. It can be soul destroying to think that your partner no longer fancies you and never initiates sex. Tbf to him, he talked to you about this before marriage and children, so it’s not the addition of children and `’being in the trenches” that’s the issue, plus you’ve had 2 lots of counselling. This was a foreseeable end point. In basic terms, your sex drives are incompatible. It’s ok to not want it, just as much as it’s ok to want more. I think he’s been clear that he needs that level of intimacy. Are you intimate in other ways? Through touch, emotionally available etc. If there is no intimacy at all, then you are just house mates with children.

@SanctusInDistress have you even read the OPs posts or just wading in on the man hating? The OP didn’t want sex much even before children, their libidos are totally incompatible and she’s been stringing him along for years with breadcrumbs promising some improvement. Even if there was an au pair doing everything the OP still doesn’t want to have much sex!

But of course she is. They DO have sex. But they are in the midst of raising three very small children- the third of which HE pushed for, and is still very very young. They are meant to be partners, which means some compromises are made.
Surely ( surely!) people aren’t so near sighted that they don’t realise that the energy drain of three small children doesn’t last forever?

And for people saying that OP’s husband was clear from the start, well, OP has been clear from the start too, He knew, he talked her into a third child, let her absorb extra childcare demands, and then left because his willy was sad. What a selfish ass

I don't think there's any reason to pay a sex therapist. You know and understand his needs and you also know your own. If you can't meet in the middle you should let him go. What can he do to make you feel more desirable and sexy. My ex husband didn't do much and we ended up in a vicious circle...I felt resentment so didn't want sex and he would moan he didn't get enough but I didn't feel sexy being treated like Cinderella. It's a 2 way thing.

I'm going to say the unsayable: Maybe we should get away from the idea that no spouse should ever have sex when they're not in the mood. Marriage is a contract to forsake all others, so taking sex away from them is not fair. If the person in question isn't just a boyfriend or a date, but is your DH, the man who married you and had kids with you and hitched his wagon to yours for all eternity, maybe you SHOULD have sex when you don't feel like it. He's your DH after all, not some random stranger. Lots of people say they're not in the mood when they start, but they soon get into it. Is it really so terrible to have sex with your own DH even if you're not really feeling it?

It seems that men's desire is spontaneous whereas women's is reactive. Which mean, women tend to get into it after starting whereas men experience desire without needing stuff to happen first.

There is absolutely NOTHING in any of the OPs posts that suggest she’ll want any more sex when the kids get older. This isn’t a situation where it’s just hard temporarily. He’s doing the right thing to give himself the chance of a fulfilling intimate relationship.

I kind of understand from both points of view, but it seems very obstinate that this is the hill he’s prepared to die on. Is everything, and I mean EVERYTHING ok apart from he’d like more action? Why is it so utterly and completely important to him? Does he have quite low self esteem? You are still shagging, I know loads of couples who don’t do it half as much. I’m probably a twice a month gal too abd hubby is v happy to get whatever can…seems odd and a bit embarrassing that this was brought up as a major deal breaker to the vicar?!?! Do you think he’s just bored op, and this is an excuse?

Wanting to leave due to sexual incompatibility is understandable. But suddenly packing your bags and leaving your wife with 3 small children (the 3rd being one you wanted but she didn’t plan for) is harsh.
He knew the score when they go together. He should have left before they had children.

I honestly think anyone whose top priority is their wife initiating sex has absolutely no business agreeing to three kids, let alone pushing for it.

But is it OK not to want it when you're married? When you marry someone, you take them off the market and keep them all for yourself. To treat them like a toy that you then put on the shelf and don't play with is pretty heartless and cruel. They can't have sex with you and they can't have it with anyone else either, which puts them in a horrendous position, not to mention damages them psychologically from the rejection from the person who's supposed to want them more than anyone in the world.

If you don't want to meet the sexual obligations inherent in marriage, you probably shouldn't sign that contract.

Definitely try couples sex therapy. We had a series of sessions from Relate on Zoom during Covid and it vastly improved our sex life. We started with a separate session each, then joint and had them
weekly for several weeks. Since then we have had more regular, enjoyable sex and definitely feel more connected. We have learned different ways to connect. It definitely worked for us.

FYI We’ve been together similar time to you and also have small children and work similar schedules. Don’t give up on your marriage yet, this is definitely worth a try.

It sounds like he’s done everything right. Set out his expectation, not hassled you, and then left when it became clear that you were neither trying nor taking him seriously.

Agree with the PP who said you need to decide whether you actually want to have sex once a week to keep your marriage, before trying to fix this.