Husband just walked out- intimacy issues

[Newstart2024]

Bit of background, me and DH have 3 kids aged 7,4 and 2. My libido always been a bit lower than his but okay, we talked about it before marriage and with our vicar in wedding counselling prior and dh said he couldnt live in a sexless marriage. Which is fine by me I agreed.
Since then and with the children our sex life has been up and down and on a down patch after our second we had some counselling where husband says he doesn’t feel desired, touch is a love language and he always initiates which makes him feel like he’s pressuring me. He basically said if things didn’t improve he’d leave because it’s so important to him. we talked it through (though counsellor wasn’t great and part of her advice was to stop breastfeeding??!!!). we were okay for a while.
Recently I’ve changed contraception and after sorting it finally my husband suggested we try for intimacy once a week and he didn’t always want to intiate.

This was fine at first but last few weeks we haven’t and I didn’t think anything of it. Then last weekend he did suggest we go upstairs but I’d hurt my neck and told him it might be worth waiting a few days which he was annoyed about but he knows it’s true!

Cut to mid week last week and after we did kids bedtime I came down and he had packed a bag! He told me he had arranged a room through air bnb and was moving there. He was very calm saying he had always been clear about intimacy and he couldn’t see the marriage continuing. The air bnb is 10 minute walk away and he left.
I have been left overnight with kids and doing breakfast in the morning. I normally do this but sometimes he is here working from home or sometimes he has left for the office. I do the childminder drop off for youngest and school runs. We both work, then one of us will pick kids up from childminder at 5:30-6. He has come here after work to help with bedtimes then off back to the air Bnb!!!

Last night he sent an email saying this weekend he would be back home with family (they live 150 miles away) and then he would look after kids next weekend. He said we can discuss a longer term solution. He has the money to rent a room I’m sure but that money we have been putting towards our holidays etc. He earns more than me.

I am totally blindsided and don’t know what to do next?! When I’ve talked to him he said he hasn’t ruled out reconciling but doesn’t know how things are expected to change when we’ve already discussed and had counselling about this issue before. I’d be willing to make more of an effort but it’s just not on my radar as much as him.

Ideas? He’s really calm and just seems a bit sad and in “I’ve got a plan” mode?! I’ve been frustrated upset and shocked and asked him to stay and talk but he’s just been going back to air bnb and wants to talk when situation a bit clearer and calmer? Kids are okay but confused their day is pretty much the same.

She’s got 3 young children!

Why do men think they are the centre of the universe.

I am SO happy to be divorced.

It sounds as though you were hoping to make him stay by giving the absolute minimum of sex he'd put up with, and by agreeing to once a week, but letting it slide as much as you felt you could get away with. Whereas he's been honest from the beginning. He's finally realised you're never going to fully willingly be able to have the level of sexual relationship he wants, so he has left, as he said he would.

It doesn't sound like a compromise is possible tbh. It's been tried, but you didn't stick to it. It's totally your right not to have sex you don't want, but you can't make him stay if that's not going to work for him.

This makes no sense. He moved out from his family home where he had a wife and 3 children, and sex once a week, to an airbnb to be - by himself???

I fail to see how he is better off here. Unless he is not (always) by himself of course.

He might be an arsehole, or he might be desperate to get his needs for connection, intimacy and romance met, and met by someone who genuinely wants him and isn't just doing duty sex.

Only OP knows which it is.

I’m with the DH, he’s expressed his needs in a safe and reasonable way and OP has promised and not acted.

No-one should have sex they don’t want to have. But this is wheee the OP should have been honest years ago and told DH she couldn’t give him what he needs.

If this were the other way round MN would be telling OP to leave and she deserves to feel desired! God forbid a man wants to feel desired by his wife-even if occasionally.

I can’t have sex with my DH at the moment-it’s a temporary thing, I’ve had surgery and am fairly immobile. But I still tell him I want him, because the desire is there even if physically currently it’s not possible.

Your counselor suggested you stop breastfeeding because it is thought that that lowers libido; however, if your libido was low pre-marriage and pre-babies, then that’s not to root cause.

If you don’t personally enjoy sex/intimacy or if the pressure of it all causes you stress the perhaps being single is what’s best for you long-term? Many people find that to be the case…

I'm so sorry. I was in your shoes sex stopped dead after husband had a botched operation. I grieved, wept raged at the loss, but in private because I knew he was also devastated.

I hope life is better for you now.

I think he's put his cards on the table and will divorce you in due course.

So best to think about how you're going to separate as amicably as possible I guess.

OP if I were you I’d let him go.

Get a solicitor and the best settlement you can.

Then live your life in peace.

I don't think it's a great mystery, and it doesn't sound like he has anyone else. He's taken the first step to trying to make his life better, and to get a life for himself that works better for him than his current life.

I agree.

I don't know why the OP is so surprised. It's clearly been an issue for a long long time and has finally broken her husband. It's the rejection he can't cope with, not the lack of sex.

Now she's feeling rejections from him leaving.

I don't think it's your 'fault' though, OP, in that many marriages do slide towards less sex especially in the young children era. Many people don't mind too much, or they do mind but the amount of cuddling, kissing, touch, other bedroom activities (which don't have to be full sex) keep them going.

I also think he's behaved very selfishly by pushing the third child issue and then wondering why you are touched out and exhausted, and even less inclined than when you started.

There is a small chance that he's seen someone else he'd like to have sex with or he thinks is interested in him, and so the issue has come to a head because he sees a possible life with sex in it (and his children,as in fairness he does appear to be wanting to take all three of them and parent in a shared way).

Op have you tried sex therapy?

As an aside you can get private vasectomy’s for around £1000 incl semen analysis.

You don’t have to wait for the NHS or you can choose hospitals with shorter waiting lists.

I think your idea about visiting a sex therapist is together is a good one. It might be not save your relationship, but it might provide closure, healing, and stand you in good stead for future relationships. A good therapist will hopefully support you both to look at communication, intimacy, neurotypes, and behaviours, from multiple angles. I really doubt this is just about sex. And if it is, you could even think about things like trying an open relationship etc (if that were acceptable for both of you). Every person and every couple is unique. Other people's rules do not necessarily apply.

It absolutely makes sense. He's better off because he's no longer feeling rejected by OP and he has the opportunity to meet someone who desires him. There are single men having more sex than he is!

And also, I agree that the pill can sometimes dampen libido, or lower mood etc. Something to think about, if you have noticed changes that aren't explained by the changes of pregnancy, breastfeeding or daily stressors alone.

Have sex with me or I’ll walk out on your and our kids doesn’t scream respect to me.

On a practical note, if your libido is low have you checked your hormone and vitamin levels?

Bully for him. What a positive attitude to improving your life and leaving your 3 young kids with never a thought as to how this will affect them. Or indeed, how you have just made your wife's life 100x harder. What a hero indeed.

They agreed on once a week but it wasn't happening that's why he left.
Op says he is also round their house and still with the kids quite a bit so it doesn't sound like he has someone else there.

You're not really thinking very hard if this doesn't make sense to you.

Being single frees him to find somebody more compatible.

And no, "just having a wank" won't solve it either, before you suggest that.

None of you is at fault here. None can be forced to want more sex, none should be deprived of it If he/she wants more. Life is short and sex is one of the most beautiful things in the world.
I see two decent people who have been honest about their wants and needs, you both tried but the incompatibility is too big making you both unhappy and as a consequence this would possibly have a negative impact on your kids.
He has done the right thing and he is a very decent human being. As you may have read multiple times here most husbands engage in affairs etc. He seems to want to co-parent and have a workable relationship, therefore If I were you I would focus on that. It’s shocking at the moment, take the time to process it and move forward.

And if a woman was fed up with with feeling rejected by a lack of intimacy?

The double standards here amaze me sometimes.

The once a week thing is a red herring. Perhaps once a week with someone really enthusiastic and wanting to sleep with him would be preferable to once a week that was reluctantly negotiated