Husband just walked out- intimacy issues

[Newstart2024]

Bit of background, me and DH have 3 kids aged 7,4 and 2. My libido always been a bit lower than his but okay, we talked about it before marriage and with our vicar in wedding counselling prior and dh said he couldnt live in a sexless marriage. Which is fine by me I agreed.
Since then and with the children our sex life has been up and down and on a down patch after our second we had some counselling where husband says he doesn’t feel desired, touch is a love language and he always initiates which makes him feel like he’s pressuring me. He basically said if things didn’t improve he’d leave because it’s so important to him. we talked it through (though counsellor wasn’t great and part of her advice was to stop breastfeeding??!!!). we were okay for a while.
Recently I’ve changed contraception and after sorting it finally my husband suggested we try for intimacy once a week and he didn’t always want to intiate.

This was fine at first but last few weeks we haven’t and I didn’t think anything of it. Then last weekend he did suggest we go upstairs but I’d hurt my neck and told him it might be worth waiting a few days which he was annoyed about but he knows it’s true!

Cut to mid week last week and after we did kids bedtime I came down and he had packed a bag! He told me he had arranged a room through air bnb and was moving there. He was very calm saying he had always been clear about intimacy and he couldn’t see the marriage continuing. The air bnb is 10 minute walk away and he left.
I have been left overnight with kids and doing breakfast in the morning. I normally do this but sometimes he is here working from home or sometimes he has left for the office. I do the childminder drop off for youngest and school runs. We both work, then one of us will pick kids up from childminder at 5:30-6. He has come here after work to help with bedtimes then off back to the air Bnb!!!

Last night he sent an email saying this weekend he would be back home with family (they live 150 miles away) and then he would look after kids next weekend. He said we can discuss a longer term solution. He has the money to rent a room I’m sure but that money we have been putting towards our holidays etc. He earns more than me.

I am totally blindsided and don’t know what to do next?! When I’ve talked to him he said he hasn’t ruled out reconciling but doesn’t know how things are expected to change when we’ve already discussed and had counselling about this issue before. I’d be willing to make more of an effort but it’s just not on my radar as much as him.

Ideas? He’s really calm and just seems a bit sad and in “I’ve got a plan” mode?! I’ve been frustrated upset and shocked and asked him to stay and talk but he’s just been going back to air bnb and wants to talk when situation a bit clearer and calmer? Kids are okay but confused their day is pretty much the same.

I'm wondering if there's another woman.... maybe if not an actual affair, perhaps someone who is showing him a bit of attention?

I’d let him go OP. You’ve been busy having and raising kids for the last 7 years, it’s fairly common for sex to be less often. Men that don’t realise that aren’t worth bothering with imo. I think he’s hoping he can basically make you have sex whenever he wants it as ‘I will just leave again’, which is vile, or he’s already got someone else lined up.

In a long term relationship, especially with children, sex ebbs and flows. Adults realise that and accept it if they love the other person. Personally I’d find any man who doesn’t understand this deeply unattractive.

I think if you stay with him, you’ll constantly feel like you have to make an effort and have sex when even if you’re not feeling great or you’ve been up with a sick child or you’re stressed at work etc. A friend was in the exact situation and she started to resent her husband and eventually was repulsed by him.

Of course you’re not always wanting to be intimate with three very young kids and a job. If he can’t see your in the trenches right now and putting himself annd his sex life above his children’s stability & family life then he is behaving disgustingly.

How does he try to initiate? Let me guess, once you’ve collapsed into bed at night after a long day?! How about he pulls his finger out and ACTUALLY tries…. I’m talking organise a babysitter and take you out for a break for once.

I’m in the same boat (three kids 6& under and an apparently neglected husband) and I’ve realised why I don’t feel like being intimate. I organize 99% of the household and fully responsible for the mental load & decision making, and also working. Like hell am I also going to take responsibility for reigniting our sex life, he can try to woo me if he wants it 😂

I don't think it's embarrassing or odd; I think the DH was being very mature and very clear expressing his needs in pre-marital counselling.

Like it or not, and we women often don't, including me, which is why I'd be very reluctant to remarry, sex is the cornerstone of marriage.

If you do try a reconciliation you could try having a time when you will 'normally' dtd like a specific day of the week.

Like Sheldon and Amy in big bang theory though theirs was once a year!

Very middle aged but means you would not have to worry about it so much the rest of the time.

I don't think I could stay in the relationship in these circumstances though as I would be really freaked out by the 'have sex with me or I'll leave you' vibe.

It doesn't sound like he means it as blackmail, it's just how things are, but it would still be horrible.

Why is it so unimportant to his wife, would probably be his question.

She seems to simply want to have the least amount of sex which will make him happy, which can't be much fun for him.

I think the dismissal of men's needs on here is sad. Husbands have the right to feel wanted and desired and special, and to feel unbearably rejected in a longterm minimal-sex marriage. They're not all raging sex monsters who want to get their leg over; some of them actually want their wives to want them and feel very distressed when she, the one person who's meant to want them, doesn't.

How does he make you feel during sex? Is it all about his needs and pleasure because that would be a major turn off to me.

When I read that he wanted sex even though you had a sore neck and wouldn't be able to enjoy it, I sense he is not a man who wants to have sex with you, he wants to have sex on you. And that's not intimacy.
It's not just about what he needs from you, your needs matter too, it may be that his approach to sex is not inspiring desire in you, or making you feel desirable.

And packing and walking out like that is cowardly and pathetic. And cruel to your children who will be as confused and upset as you are.

So do you think men should be forced to stay in relationships they no longer want?

How many men actually put proper effort into being intimate at that point in a relationship?

Yes they might hint in the day or try it on in bed after the end of a long day and communicate their needs that way, but how many exhausted women with three young kids and a job feel full of enthusiasm at that time of night?

why can’t men realise that when women are busy with so many other things , they need time and effort to get into the mood. Very few women want sex when they are under appreciated and knackered. Men need to pull their finger out and at least try to get her in that frame of mind, remembering when the youngest is a bit older things should improve given all else is ok in the relationship. A good father would put his kids above this temporary phase in a marriage

I wonder why did he marry you Op knowing that this was likely to happen?

And want a third kid when things might have had a chance of improving?

Is it honestly normal for young(ish?) couples to go several weeks without sex? I get it dropping a bit, but weeks without even noticing?
It's a shame, and it's not really anyone's fault. Sounds like you've been a poor match in this regard from the start.

When we have sex it’s great and he’s good in bed.
He didn’t want to have sex with me when he knew I had a sore neck he just didn’t necessarily believe I had a sore neck because I didn’t mention it until I knew what he wanted as it wasn’t relevant.

I agree that men need to make the effort. Again, it's a mismatch in the nature of men and women. His desire is spontaneous, whereas hers is more reactive, so he probably doesn't automatically get the need to romance her. It's crazy how different men and women are. I think it takes a lot of research and trust and understanding to really "get" your opposite-sex spouse when it comes to love, sex, and intimacy. Not for nothing are we called opposites.

I don't think it's temporary though. It sounds as if this has been an issue for a long time.

Neither of us thought it was likely to happens . He was just more sensitive to dry spells than I was and we were doing it then more than once a week like any young couple would.
I just remember him categorically saying he didn’t want a sexless marriage and I agreed because I don’t. That’s why it’s relevant here. Not that it was a big issue at the time. In those sessions also discussed kids, finances, where we might want to live etc all of them had points we both raised and things we both agreed on and none of them have turned into issues.

People do all sorts of things, every day, despite "not feeling like it".

Sex however is generally considered sacrosanct.

Yet there is something to be said for having a "sex positive" attitude and outlook to your partner and your relationship.

Like I said earlier, you'll always find a reason not to, if you look for it. Instead, look for excuses to make tonight the night.

Sex also doesn't always have to mean PIV. There are so many other intimate ways to express your love. Use your imagination!

You're playing with fire. I'm sorry, but you are. Making your husband feel loved and wanted and desired will pay dividends. How would you feel if he didn't want you? I've been the sexually rejected spouse and it was very psychologically damaging. It's extremely unfair of you to take him off the market and then put him on the metaphorical shelf, like a toy you buy and keep all for yourself but then refuse to play with. He can't have connection and physical intimacy and feel desired by you, and he can't have it with anyone else either. It's a horrendous position to put someone in who you're supposed to love. I get that you're carrying the can, but he might do more if he felt wanted by the woman he loves. Chicken and egg. Be the bigger person and break the stalemate. I find your laugh emoji sad, because so many marriages have been broken by rejection.

I think we as a society need to be a lot more honest about what marriage entails and the fact that one of its contractual obligations is forsaking all others...the flip side of which is that you have to put some real focus on the spouse's human needs for intimacy and connection, since no one else is going to be focused on fulfilling those needs for him.

If he breaks under the psychological misery of being unwanted by you, don't be surprised.

I really feel for you. I get it that you might be sexually incompatible, but he needs to communicate with you more fully about this in order to help you move on. Was it a self-esteem issue? Was it feelings of jealousy (of kids or others) , rejection, boredom, frustration, or temptation from elsewhere? All are valid reasons, but it doesn't sound like he's been completely open with you yet, and you need that.

Maybe we should get away from the idea that no spouse should ever have sex when they're not in the mood.

I think it's partly that whether you are in the mood or not is partly an attitude thing. To some extent you can think yourself into the mood if you try.

People of both sexes have to do this if they are not finding it easy to conceive after all. Ovulation monitor says today!

Except the woman would be 'I'm leaving and taking the kids with me'.

I think the DH has tried hard here but has got to a point where he doesn't want to live like this any longer. As is often said on MN when a woman posts asking if she should leave a relationship because [...]: you can leave for any reason or none. Just because you're not happy is good enough.

Fucking round of applause. Standing ovation.

Some people can perhaps. I am neurodivergent, however, so I would struggle with that.

OP I think it would help you both if you took away the idea that someone has to initiate - particularly as you don't seem to be the initiator your husband wants you to be. He seems to be counting the days and playing games - how long will she go before initiating. You failed the game so he left.

Instead of all this why don't you have one night a week that is 'your night together'. So agree that Saturday night will be your night, snuggle up on the sofa, no excuses and have a nice evening that ends in sex.

I know you’re right but you’re also wrong, it’s a chicken and egg situation. If he actually put effort into our love life to reignite it then I do think things would be far better long term in the bedroom. I’ve realised I’ve got so much underlying resentment as a women with being the key organizer, decision maker and driver of the relationship, why should yet another area of our life be down to me.

Here’s a scenario - picture a birthday meal/date night….. I’d have to pick the date we’d go, organize the babysitter, pick the restaurant, book the table, tell him what time to be ready. Where is the excitement and surprise for me?

I’ve communicated in clear terms that him pushing me into the role of his mother has zapped my sex life. He has been told, as I’m sure countless other men have had it explained to them, what they need to do. But ultimately it’s too much effort or out of their comfort zone to change and far too men are mummies little boys who can’t be arsed to change. Just let the relationship slide until it breaks up then start the same scenario and relationship slide off with the next partner.

This!
Doesn't sex lessen considerably in most marriages with three young children and employed too?
It's pathetic and thoughtless of him to just pack a bag and leave, without discussing it further and deciding together what to tell the kids etc.
I wouldn't want to allow him to set all the rules for how things are going to be in the next few months either. I'd also be tempted to tell him you've booked an airbnb for yourself for a few weeks and he can take on the main childcare.
Put a claim in for CMS now.