Husband just walked out- intimacy issues

[Newstart2024]

Bit of background, me and DH have 3 kids aged 7,4 and 2. My libido always been a bit lower than his but okay, we talked about it before marriage and with our vicar in wedding counselling prior and dh said he couldnt live in a sexless marriage. Which is fine by me I agreed.
Since then and with the children our sex life has been up and down and on a down patch after our second we had some counselling where husband says he doesn’t feel desired, touch is a love language and he always initiates which makes him feel like he’s pressuring me. He basically said if things didn’t improve he’d leave because it’s so important to him. we talked it through (though counsellor wasn’t great and part of her advice was to stop breastfeeding??!!!). we were okay for a while.
Recently I’ve changed contraception and after sorting it finally my husband suggested we try for intimacy once a week and he didn’t always want to intiate.

This was fine at first but last few weeks we haven’t and I didn’t think anything of it. Then last weekend he did suggest we go upstairs but I’d hurt my neck and told him it might be worth waiting a few days which he was annoyed about but he knows it’s true!

Cut to mid week last week and after we did kids bedtime I came down and he had packed a bag! He told me he had arranged a room through air bnb and was moving there. He was very calm saying he had always been clear about intimacy and he couldn’t see the marriage continuing. The air bnb is 10 minute walk away and he left.
I have been left overnight with kids and doing breakfast in the morning. I normally do this but sometimes he is here working from home or sometimes he has left for the office. I do the childminder drop off for youngest and school runs. We both work, then one of us will pick kids up from childminder at 5:30-6. He has come here after work to help with bedtimes then off back to the air Bnb!!!

Last night he sent an email saying this weekend he would be back home with family (they live 150 miles away) and then he would look after kids next weekend. He said we can discuss a longer term solution. He has the money to rent a room I’m sure but that money we have been putting towards our holidays etc. He earns more than me.

I am totally blindsided and don’t know what to do next?! When I’ve talked to him he said he hasn’t ruled out reconciling but doesn’t know how things are expected to change when we’ve already discussed and had counselling about this issue before. I’d be willing to make more of an effort but it’s just not on my radar as much as him.

Ideas? He’s really calm and just seems a bit sad and in “I’ve got a plan” mode?! I’ve been frustrated upset and shocked and asked him to stay and talk but he’s just been going back to air bnb and wants to talk when situation a bit clearer and calmer? Kids are okay but confused their day is pretty much the same.

Well done on missing the point completely. I literally wrote “what happens if”

More fool him - he’ll probably be having sex less than twice a month if he’s single

I think there's another woman somewhere.

Agree with this. My libido roared to life when I stopped taking it - sadly, after my ex-H had walked out on me.

How do you show him that? My husband says he loves me but I don't see it. I'm genuinely interested in your side and how you feel you show him you love him.

@FromWalesAndBackAgain what a bizarre post. I hope you are okay too, and are able to get some counselling of your own.

I am your DH in this scenario and I am only staying because I'd see my children so much less if I left.

Intimacy and feeling desired is so important in a relationship like this and as much as you deserve your space, he deserves to be in a relationship where he feels wanted. You've tried in counselling to iron it out and it's clear you're never going to match on that front. You can't change that but also neither can he. He's been more than clear from yh start on his priorities.

It must feel so brutal but hopefully if you can appreciate his feelings, and respect the fact he's been so honest you have a really good chance of being able to co-parent effectively and amicably 💐

Yes but he might be having it twice a month with someone who really really wants to have sex with him...

if you do try and salvage this…

Couples counselling & a GP health check & revise your marriage and responsibilities at home & whether you have the help and support you need to be a Mother & a sex goddess.

A practical idea…

Get some really good vibrators & try having orgasms as a form of self care and relaxation at bed time. Start routinely using your vibrator and get some erotic literature, movies you like with good sex scenes and start it as a sort of hobby for stress release. See how this goes and if it changes things with your libido.

I don’t think he is being selfish at all.

he has a right not to be in a sexless marriage just as much as OP has a right not to want sex.

This isn’t a case of child rearing getting in the way. It sounds like this has always been an issue - even before marriage.

OP - I think it’s best for both of you to split up. The relationship can’t make both of you happy- you are clearly incompatible.

id work towards making this separation as amicable as possible. And working on how you can both be good parents to your kids.

I think the issue is, OP, you are still a bit deluding yourself.

You say, twice a month would be fine for me. But if you'd be having it twice a month, then he wouldn't have gone to an Air B and B.

You say he's more affectionate than me, but that's kind of his nature and doesn't see the point without sex, I think what he's trying to say is once he's cuddling or kissing, he'd like to go further.

I am sympathetic, my husband is more enthusiastic than me, but a compromise has to mean a compromise, not a 'I'll see how long I can ignore it before he makes a fuss'.

I couldn't live in a relationship without affection, though, I like hugs, kisses, holding hands, just sitting on the sofa with feet touching. If I didn't have that I'd feel very lonely indeed. He sounds different, the sex matters to him, but feeling unwanted both for hugs, touches and for sex, for weeks or even months must feel very rejecting.

I agree with everyone saying no-one is at fault, but if you can't find a way through, I guess it's a way out.

@NewDaye ah so I have no comprehension skills AND need counselling - sure, great chat 👋

OH FHS it's just sex. Sometimes it's fantastic, sometimes it's okay. It's like a muscle that wastes away without exercise.

And its so sad when it finally ceases forever because of ill health or death. Then all you are left with are memories.

I do agree though that persuading you for a third child was a stupid move on his part if his priority was getting you two together as a couple more. What's done is done, but that seems very foolish, although I'm sure they are lovely!

What has he done to show he doesnt respect her?
He felt she didnt want sex so he removed himself from the situation instead of forcing her. Going to counselling and explaining your needs isn't bullying someone.
He isn't leaving to have more sex, he left because he feels sexually rejected in his marriage and like his wife doesn't desire him.

Nice try, but this doesn't matter, sorry. Not getting sex because you're single is not the same as not getting it because your spouse is rejecting you.

@Newstart2024

I'm sorry, but TBH I think he's 'done'. This issue has been brought up and 'dealt with' multiple times and after while you slip back into the old pattern. Now, let me state categorically that no one should ever have sex that they don't want to have. So I'm not saying you should 'put out more'. But in the past you've agreed to have sex more than you really want to and then quietly not had it. Again, I'm not saying you should. I'm saying you said you would, and then didn't. I think you've been making 'promises' that (based on past experience) you know you don't really have to keep, because in the past you haven't and he hasn't left.

So it's quite possible that he's past 'fixing it'. I don't know if you're familiar with the US comic strip 'Peanuts' but there's a running 'gag' where Lucy holds a football on the ground for Charlie Brown to kick it and every time at the last minute as he's kicking she pulls it away and he falls on his bum. Yet he falls for it every time because she promises that 'this time it will be different'. It's sort of the same thing. Except I think now your DH may have decided that he's not going to even try to kick that football again because all he gets out of it is a sore bum. I think he no longer believes your promises or your compromises.

So before you call a sex therapist, you need to speak seriously with your DH as to whether or not he's 'crossed the Rubicon'. Calmly ask him if he's made his final decision. If so, accept it. If he says no, then find out what he wants and expects and decide if you can live with it.

I've raised children and I know it can be tiring and exhausting. But if a couple want to keep their sex life going, there are usually ways to do it that are satisfying for both partners. But when there are not, it's usually not fixable.

@justasking111 OH FHS it's just sex. Sometimes it's fantastic, sometimes it's okay. It's like a muscle that wastes away without exercise

It is a muscle that wastes away without exercise, I don't want to make you google it but in terms of vaginal atrophy and so forth, at least some activity, about once a week, shores up the muscles, blood flow, and the pelvic floor...(I mean it doesn't say how this has to be achieved, I don't think a partner is required to get the health benefits!)

Agree he’s selfish. See a solicitor. Take hold of the reins and tell him to be less selfish or he can F off. You sound quite passive. He sounds selfish and if he can’t see you’re in the killer years with young kids - it’s not forever - then that’s his loss. He doesn’t care about you all enough to put his bits lower down the priority list. Read that again. Lots of luck to you x

Spot on. What a selfish prick.

Also he’s left you so that you get the message - give him more sex or you’ll be a single parent.

Arsehole

I honestly think he’s being pretty reasonable here, which is unusual on these types of threads.

I can’t get my head round how you can be ‘blindsided’ by something that sounds like it’s been the major issue in your relationship for years.

are you still breastfeeding? Can you sort the sleep issues? I think if you really want to save your marriage you need to take it more seriously. He seems to pull his weight and be a decent dad/partner and it reads like he’s run out of options on this hence the dramatic departure.

What work have you actually put in OP?

You've not been blindsided, far from it, you've had plenty of warning.

I think it’s come to a head because of the contraception issue I came off the pill because I was concerned about pain and lumps in my breasts I’ve had them looked at now and all fine and benign. Actually discussed a vasectomy with him but it’s a 2 year wait. After all came back fine from breast clinic I went back on pill and so think he saw that as a starting point to getting back on track.

with my neck I didn’t mention it was sore until he asked to go upstairs but that’s mainly because I thought I’d be going to sleep and not doing something where I’d need to be protective of my neck! So not sure he believed me.

anyway live and learn, they’re back now so need to crack on with kids.

This. I was also your DH (and I'm a woman for context.) Had exactly the same conversation pre wedding and ex dh made all the right noises until the ring was on my finger then everything stopped. Managed to get him interested in order to conceive and then it stopped again. After an 8 year dry spell after the conception of ds2 I divorced him. I really regret wasting my hottest years on someone with no desire or interest. Maybe your DH feels the same?

He's not a selfish baby.
He made it clear before the marriage and kids how important sex was. They've been to counselling and that's not helped so he's leaving. He's not pressuring her into sex and he's not had an affair. I'd say he's been mature about it.

I've done a lot of reading about the issue of sexual incompatibility in marriage, and what many decent men say is that it's the rejection that gets them. That it isn't about sex, it's about the rejection of them, their advances, their bodies, who they are, basically. They experience it as a deep hurt. Sex is the way they connect, and it's really hard for us women to understand this, because we need the connection BEFORE we have sex, we need the connection to have sex - but for men, sex IS the connection. For men, they feel connected after they have sex. But for us, it's really hard to have sex without first feeling that connection.

Another of Nature's effing little jokes.

Of course there are men who just want to get their leg over. But we're talking about husbands here, someone who married their wife and has children with her, so let's give him the benefit of the doubt that what he wants more than anything is connection with his wife, not just to use her for his own pleasure.

As a woman, you either trust your DH that he loves you and that his need for regular sex is a deep need and his way of connecting with you, or you denounce it as just wanting sex and not intimacy. Up to you. Personally, if the DH is a good man who loves his wife, I think your dismissal as husbands just wanting sex is way off-base.

I also think that twice a month is not much at all.

I've been on the receiving end of a longterm sexless marriage, and I have never known such bleak despair. I would never believe it could be that bad if it hadn't happened to me. My ex took away all intimacy, all touch, all physical affection, so I couldn't have any cuddles or kisses or sex with him and neither could I have them with anyone else. It was like existing in a silent vaccuum. It was very isolating.

Perhaps OP's DH felt like this.