Husband just walked out- intimacy issues

[Newstart2024]

Bit of background, me and DH have 3 kids aged 7,4 and 2. My libido always been a bit lower than his but okay, we talked about it before marriage and with our vicar in wedding counselling prior and dh said he couldnt live in a sexless marriage. Which is fine by me I agreed.
Since then and with the children our sex life has been up and down and on a down patch after our second we had some counselling where husband says he doesn’t feel desired, touch is a love language and he always initiates which makes him feel like he’s pressuring me. He basically said if things didn’t improve he’d leave because it’s so important to him. we talked it through (though counsellor wasn’t great and part of her advice was to stop breastfeeding??!!!). we were okay for a while.
Recently I’ve changed contraception and after sorting it finally my husband suggested we try for intimacy once a week and he didn’t always want to intiate.

This was fine at first but last few weeks we haven’t and I didn’t think anything of it. Then last weekend he did suggest we go upstairs but I’d hurt my neck and told him it might be worth waiting a few days which he was annoyed about but he knows it’s true!

Cut to mid week last week and after we did kids bedtime I came down and he had packed a bag! He told me he had arranged a room through air bnb and was moving there. He was very calm saying he had always been clear about intimacy and he couldn’t see the marriage continuing. The air bnb is 10 minute walk away and he left.
I have been left overnight with kids and doing breakfast in the morning. I normally do this but sometimes he is here working from home or sometimes he has left for the office. I do the childminder drop off for youngest and school runs. We both work, then one of us will pick kids up from childminder at 5:30-6. He has come here after work to help with bedtimes then off back to the air Bnb!!!

Last night he sent an email saying this weekend he would be back home with family (they live 150 miles away) and then he would look after kids next weekend. He said we can discuss a longer term solution. He has the money to rent a room I’m sure but that money we have been putting towards our holidays etc. He earns more than me.

I am totally blindsided and don’t know what to do next?! When I’ve talked to him he said he hasn’t ruled out reconciling but doesn’t know how things are expected to change when we’ve already discussed and had counselling about this issue before. I’d be willing to make more of an effort but it’s just not on my radar as much as him.

Ideas? He’s really calm and just seems a bit sad and in “I’ve got a plan” mode?! I’ve been frustrated upset and shocked and asked him to stay and talk but he’s just been going back to air bnb and wants to talk when situation a bit clearer and calmer? Kids are okay but confused their day is pretty much the same.

Op, you have been duped. Your husband has made no effort to get counselling. He should have tried, but he hasn't. If he knew it would be like this, & it sounds like he did, then why did he lie? You have every right to be angry.
Denim, I've heard the responsive desire before. I must admit it irritates me a bit as I'm v spontaneous, so don't like it being held up as the 'female' type, but I know that isn't what you meant & it isn't the same for many women.

Hard agree with this.

OP, I suspect you will be much, much happier and less exhausted if he leaves and you insist on 50/50 shared parenting

(And as an aside I bet his libido tanks when he's actually caring for his kids half the week instead of dumping it all on you, as I suspect he is)

Also this detail makes me FURIOUS for you considering he already went to counselling about this issue after 2. What the hell did he think the exhaustion of 3 kids would do to your libido?!

@Newstart2024 I'm thinking that if you sat your husband down for a talk, and expressed your unhappiness and how the minimal sex makes you feel, the two of you might come to the conclusion TOGETHER that it's time to part. It will all be much easier if the break-up is the result of a joint decision and if he gets on board with it.

You can then work out who goes where, rent a flat for one of you, organise the whole split as a team project, and then break the news to your children together.

I think if you walk out and go to an AirBnB, it will not only really confuse and frighten the children, but it might set the stage for a bad break-up. I don't blame you for being angry and wanting to shock him, but it will only lead to negative outcomes. I came back from getting milk to find that my husband had packed a bag, and he left right then too, and it just killed any chance we might ever have had. Especially as I then didn't hear from him for two weeks. My respect for him dropped hugely and will never recover. We didn't have kids, but you do, so you'll continue to have a lot to do with each other. Walking out is not the way, however tempting it might be.

I think MB is very good-looking when he's slim, and I would hate to be with someone I fancied who didn't want me.

He could get his testosterone levels checked at the gp.
He could do lots of things but is he doesn’t appear interested in doing anything.
How would it be if you got intimacy elsewhere - is it something you both would consider?

So is OP supposed to lie back & think of England?

Correct

If it’s something that the lower libido partner will genuinely end up wanting and enjoying after a bit of “prep” so to speak, then yes, that’s fine. But in my mind, “prep” never includes ultimatums or pestering. If the lower libido partner has shown time and time again that, even with “prep”, they still don’t want it or enjoy it, that’s where the issue begins. OP’s husband knows it’s important to OP, has been through the whole “scheduling sex” and (I agree, a horrible term) “maintenance sex” and still actively not seeking it out or choosing it of his own volition. Rather, from OP’s posts, it seems like he is just going through the motions as “maintenance sex”

Apologies, I thought my post on that was clear, but I recognize it might not have been. Basically, as long as both partners are willing participants and enjoying it, not just doing it out of obligation/pressure, whether perceived or genuine, then all is well. But when one partner begins to actively avoid or actively opt out, then it’s up to the other partner to decide if they can stick with that or not.

In my opinion if he only agrees to address this issue because you're threatening to leave, it's pointless. It's not something he wants to address for himself and so it's not going to change his desire for sex. Plus you'll know he's only doing it because he feels coerced into it to keep his home setup. Not because he wants to or cares about you. I would find it hard to have sex with someone knowing they're just doing it to shut me up.

No. I would end up falling for the other person and leaving the marriage which I think would be 10 times worse and more complicated. Especially for the kids. Sex and love are a bit of the same for me hence why it’s been a bloody issue that he’s not interested in sex. I don’t feel very loved!

It’s not him that wants sex and has fucked off cause he’s not getting it. It’s a reverse post. OP is the wife and is thinking of “fucking off” cause she’s not getting it.

@AliasGrace47 I mean this with total respect and love - and honestly with a bit of jealousy - but at 18 it's hard to imagine what's ahead. Of course you can't imagine having no libido. But it's not unusual.

Exhaustion, body damage from birthing, hormones (whether breastfeeding or menopause), boredom, grief, ill health.... all of these can mean couples who are genuinely in love face times of complete sexual drought.

I’m not constantly talking about it we’ve been married for 8 years and together longer. The last time was 2-3 weeks ago and nothing since. I know that’s not sexless but it’s only me putting the effort in.

When we went to counselling it was after we’d arranged a “date night” at home. Chosen a film, talked about being intimate etc. when it came to it in the evening I went upstairs to have a shower and get into bed and put the film on and…. he stayed downstairs doing basically nothing. He just didn’t come up and KNEW I was sitting there.
I should have left him then.

@UsernameNameUser

Oh ffs.

In which case I think the OP should grow up on two counts.

Hmm... I get what you mean. I think the thing w 'obligation' is that it makes it sound like sex should be something you make yourself do, whereas I've always thought that normally both partners want sex fairly often in a healthy marriage. I think also bc it evokes the horrible days of 'conjugal rights' where marital rape wasn't seen as a crime. Obvs getting yourself in the mood isn't non consensual, but the danger w obligation is that it can make people feel they should force themselves to do it, whereas a better way is to try to solve the issue as to why they don't want sex.
Minimal or no sex? I do get it is hard w a lower libido, assuming that's inbuilt w no underlying cause, if men expect a lot of sex. I guess I'm answering as someone who is high naturally & needs a similar person. But I know other people can be naturally much lower, & it feels uncomfortable they should need to change fundamentally for a partner. I guess my answer is that people should try to be up front at start & find a similar low libido partner? But I get that's hard..esp today, w Tinder etc making everything v sexualised.
I def agree most spouses naturally expect sex. My issue is if obligation implies forcing yourself into it. If I had a partner who became low libido for some reason, I wouldn't want them to force themselves, but I would expect mutual effort to try & work out the change. If they wouldn't try, that would sadly be the end. I wouldn't see a marriage built on that partly as gross or transactional- if you both want sex often, you haven't traded your freedom surely? You both want it, & you both get it. Obvs there are other things in marriage too, but that is one fundamental one. But I can see if you don't want it often, it could well feel that way
I think either way, women often bend over backwards to try & make other person happy, to their own detriment. Either getting pressured into sex, or putting up w none. This is the issue for Op, whose husband has been dishonest from the start, it seems.

Only 18? You sound older and wiser than most 18-year-olds!

About your logic, it's sound, but it doesn't take into account the often-vast differences in libido between men and women. Since you're a lesbian, you might not have to deal with such a great difference!

Also, the issue is that once you get married, lots of things conspire to rob you of your sex drive. In-laws can be a real issue, the fact that people tend to relax after they've tied the knot, some people take the other for granted, and since they're there forever, it's easy to put sex off...and put it off. Then there's the very unsexy arguments about chores, dishes, money. And people's human flaws, like workaholism, prioritising other things above their partner, like being obsessed with a hobby.

There's a book entitled Mating in Captivity, which says how for some women, being married legitimises the relationship so much, and creates so many sexual expectations, that sex is robbed of all its erotic allure, for some people. I don't know if that's true of same-sex marriages, but I certainly felt that. For example, when we were newly married and visiting family abroad, my MIL paid for us to have a night in a super-romantic hotel. I knew my MIL was desperate for grandchildren, and I just felt gross that she'd booked this for us. I could have got past that and got in the mood, but I needed some help from ex-DH, and I asked him to have a bath with me. He refused, so I stayed in the bath reading for most of the night. I felt the sexual expectations of me were huge - MIL had booked this sexy hotel, he was waiting in the bedroom, and I needed some hand-holding to get into it and get past the huge weight of expectation. It was a lot more sexy when we were dating, I can tell you.

I read that a sexless marriage is considered 12 times a year or less.

But anyway, having sex twice a month works out to having it 7 percent of nights you spend together, if you assume a month to be 30 days. You get this gift of marriage, of being together (well, it's supposed to be a gift) and you only make the most of it 7 percent of the time. That's a pretty sad way to live.

"Oral sex wasn't common before the 70's" really?.....and I'd be your great gran's generation!

@Newstart2024 You might find the Dead Bedrooms sub on Reddit to be a source of support and understanding.

https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/

Check out deadbedrooms on reddit. It’s an issue for both men and women.

Oh I definitely know that 18 isn't a guide for life. I have a hunch though that's how I'm generally wired. Denim seemed though to be saying that she thought initially marriage would transcend the expectation of sex. Whereas I think, at least initially, the majority of couples are expect & are equally happy to have pretty regular sex & both partners would be unhappy if not.
But yes definitely, happy couples can have periods of almost nothing. That's why I mentioned stress, menopause & young kids upthread. A lot of stuff here I've seen about lack of sex has been an exhausted mother, often w hubby not pulling full weight. It's no suprise she wouldn't want sex. And of course men can have ED or other problems, doesn't mean they don't love their partners.

Bloody ridiculous 🙄
The lady wants a husband who actually wants her, there is no shame in that at all. Her husband would bare equal responsibility for the split as he isn't prepared to work on his marriage.

This is spot on. Either sort the incompatibility put, separate or expect an affair.

Best to be 100% sure of compatibility before marriage.

It’s making me feel worse… for now. Will go back when I’m in a better place.