Husband just walked out- intimacy issues

[Newstart2024]

Bit of background, me and DH have 3 kids aged 7,4 and 2. My libido always been a bit lower than his but okay, we talked about it before marriage and with our vicar in wedding counselling prior and dh said he couldnt live in a sexless marriage. Which is fine by me I agreed.
Since then and with the children our sex life has been up and down and on a down patch after our second we had some counselling where husband says he doesn’t feel desired, touch is a love language and he always initiates which makes him feel like he’s pressuring me. He basically said if things didn’t improve he’d leave because it’s so important to him. we talked it through (though counsellor wasn’t great and part of her advice was to stop breastfeeding??!!!). we were okay for a while.
Recently I’ve changed contraception and after sorting it finally my husband suggested we try for intimacy once a week and he didn’t always want to intiate.

This was fine at first but last few weeks we haven’t and I didn’t think anything of it. Then last weekend he did suggest we go upstairs but I’d hurt my neck and told him it might be worth waiting a few days which he was annoyed about but he knows it’s true!

Cut to mid week last week and after we did kids bedtime I came down and he had packed a bag! He told me he had arranged a room through air bnb and was moving there. He was very calm saying he had always been clear about intimacy and he couldn’t see the marriage continuing. The air bnb is 10 minute walk away and he left.
I have been left overnight with kids and doing breakfast in the morning. I normally do this but sometimes he is here working from home or sometimes he has left for the office. I do the childminder drop off for youngest and school runs. We both work, then one of us will pick kids up from childminder at 5:30-6. He has come here after work to help with bedtimes then off back to the air Bnb!!!

Last night he sent an email saying this weekend he would be back home with family (they live 150 miles away) and then he would look after kids next weekend. He said we can discuss a longer term solution. He has the money to rent a room I’m sure but that money we have been putting towards our holidays etc. He earns more than me.

I am totally blindsided and don’t know what to do next?! When I’ve talked to him he said he hasn’t ruled out reconciling but doesn’t know how things are expected to change when we’ve already discussed and had counselling about this issue before. I’d be willing to make more of an effort but it’s just not on my radar as much as him.

Ideas? He’s really calm and just seems a bit sad and in “I’ve got a plan” mode?! I’ve been frustrated upset and shocked and asked him to stay and talk but he’s just been going back to air bnb and wants to talk when situation a bit clearer and calmer? Kids are okay but confused their day is pretty much the same.

Every marriage is individual, but in this context, OP KNEW her husband wasn’t on the same wavelength as her and still chose to marry him. He, meanwhile, also knew he wasn’t on the same wavelength and still chose to marry OP. Neither of them should have gone through with the marriage, but they did. They’ve tried compromise, tried counseling, and neither of their stances have budged (as is their right) so it’s only fair to them both to walk away.

You still haven't clarified which one of you looks like Michael Bublé 😂

"There needs to be???" who died and made you the prescription boss?

😂

He does and every time we go through an airport they fucking say it. So how’d you like to be married to Buble and he’s not physically interested at all? And I don’t think Buble is a 10/10 but nice enough.

And if nothing has changed by now, it’s won’t. So you either stay and be resentful of him, or you leave. Having children of course adds another layer to an already emotional time, but what other solution is there? Either you compromise and resent him, or he compromises and resents you

It can definitely feel that way if the high-libido partner doesn't COMMUNICATE. They should tell their partner how much their romantic and physical connection means to them and how much they want their partner to want sex with them, and how much they miss that special bond with them. That it's not that they just want sex, they don't want sex with just anyone, they want sex with them, because they're special to them and they want to be close and express their connection in a way that they can't, and wouldn't want to, with anyone else in their lives. And to say this not as a way to coerce someone into bed, but to take sex off the table and open up about their feelings in this way.

And if the low-libido spouse isn't bothered about that connection, longterm, then there are some hard conversations to be had.

I have sympathies, OP. My DP has a very low libido and our sex life dwindled to nothing years ago. We went to a sex therapist, it helped for a bit, then dwindled again. It's very difficult to have sex with a man who just isn't interested. He has no medical issues - he had lots of tests, is fit and healthy, as am I. No porn issues. I've had a few relationships before so I know it's not my skill level, others were more than happy. It sounded like his earlier relationships also had intimacy issues.

We're still together as I got used to it, but I do resent it. Every now and then I think of leaving him still as the lack of intimacy does affect our closeness and I think we row more. Interestingly, I was also earning three times what he was for most of our relationship although he's overtaken me now as I've gone part time to do other stuff. I've started seeing the sex therapist we saw years ago on my own so I can make some decisions.

Exactly - and in this case, the high libido partner has communicated, and the low libido has shown that he isn’t bothered by it. So they separate.

My point about martial rape was that IF OP chose to stay and forced her husband to compromise for more sex, then it starts to get gross. Only IF. I wasn’t saying OP was a rapist, rather just giving a viewpoint that no matter what happens, OP is always going to know her husband does not want to have sex with her. Going with the flow and giving in to keep the peace is just coercion. OP has already said he’s not very intimate outside of sex either, and only initiated when specifically asked - which means it’s not something he’s actively choosing to do out of enjoyment. And I don’t know ANYONE who would be happy to have sex with someone, even if it is their spouse, knowing they’d rather be doing something else.

Neither of them can meet each other on their own individual level’s, and after so many years together, they’re unlikely to, which makes the marriage non-viable.

I think she said that they had sex a few times a week after they got married? Anyway, we learn by doing, and I think many people whose marriages died on the altar of sex didn't know beforehand how important it would be, or come to be, as it got less and less. I certainly didn't.

That's a horrible way for someone to make you feel.💐 But a non abusive partner shouldn't be doing that- the issue is if you really don't want sex v often, someone who does isn't probs going to work as a match. I see from your previous post you've experienced coercion, that's really horrible & I totally get why you guard you boundaries v well now. I have had abusive experiences, not sexual & not from partners, but it does mean I guard my boundaries carefully. Sometimes I get a bit too suspicious, but I think it's better to be safe than sorry.

What does your husband actually mean about "initiating". I "initiate" quite frequently, but often it is more "putting it on the agenda" than throwing myself at him or making a "move" on the spur of the moment, as we have kids and life admin etc to factor in - "it's been super busy, i'd love it if we could an early night tomorrow" type thing. This, in our household, is very clearly stating an intention - sometimes, we are thwarted because a child is sick or wakes up etc or because of some kind of domestic emergency, but at least we both know we want to and it's not because one of us turned down the other and we will just reschedule!

Ideally, for us, it would be twice a week - midweek and at the weekend or twice in the weekend. It's not always, but I think we both feel more loved when that happens - for my husband, who comes from a very not touchy feely family, it's really important as he needs to feel romantic love in order to want and initiate other forms of physical affection.

That was then though, before kids & marriage, and the stress of daily life as a team. His priorities have obviously changed. Unfortunately, like your marriage, I think OP’s is headed in the same direction.

(Very sorry to hear of your own experiences btw)

I'm really sorry, I do wonder if he has a faith linked sexual hang up or you are his beard?

I also wondered if he might not be straight. Any indication of him being gay OP?

For sure, any decent person would want their spouse to WANT sex with them. No one enjoys duty sex or pity sex. Or - that awful phrase - maintenance sex.

I've read that men's desire is often more spontaneous while women's desire is often more reactive. Which means that men (generalising, but broadly true) don't need conditions to be right or to have been romanced beforehand, they just want their spouse. Whereas women may not feel like it at the start, but then find themselves getting into it. On social media discussions that I've been on, like this one, women have often said that they weren't so keen at first but made the effort and ended up enjoying it. Where do you stand on that grey area? It might be true that the woman isn't feeling it at the start but gets it on out of the kindness of her heart, which would meet the definition of having sex that you don't want. But if it turns out to be a function of the way female desire works, and she ends up enjoying it, is that OK? Like when the last thing you feel like doing is going to your exercise class, but then you make yourself go because it's the healthy choice (like attending to your marital sex life is the healthy choice) and end up getting really into it.

@Newstart2024
The biggest thing that stands out to me is that you don't want casual intimacy because you feel its fake unless you can get sex too. That seems really sad to me, Do you really only want to hug and kiss and snuggle up against your husband if you know you will have sex as well later? You say the lack of sex makes you feel rejected, I imagine the lack of loving kindness and casual touches is likely making him feel rejected too.
I find it hard to sympathise as I suspect I am similar to your husband, probably borderline asexual, and the idea that you base the value of your marriage and family around getting laid is so strange and sad to me.
I think the sex therapist is probably a good idea, possibly for you both separately first though

That bit wasn’t reversed. He’s not interested in touchy feeliness at all really. And I’m not either when we’re not having sex. Again if I didn’t initiate holding hands or cuddling on the sofa he wouldn’t do it.

The counsellor asked him if he was gay when he admitted a low libido and he said no. More than that when we were first dating and I saw his web history (back in the days before you’d think to clear it or have private browsing… he’d have been watching lesbian porn. He doesn’t know I know that but if he was gay wouldn’t it be gay porn?

we’re not religious we got married in the church because it was the one his parents were married in and it’s a lovely church. The vicar was a young ish lady, vicar of dibley type so when she offered to chat through and pre empt some marital woes we thought it sounded sensible. So it’s not a religious hang up either.

I don't know if I'm clued-up..I'm only 18! Maybe I have a different perspective as I'm lesbian. I just always assume that happy couples generally want regular sex. Is that sex-mad? If a husband wants sex w his wife, presumably if he's nice, he wants her for her, not just as an interchangeable body (yuck). I get that after being seen as a sex object by men it's nice to feel your partner would be there with or without sex. But in a healthy relationship surely the desire is mutual? It's def difficult if a woman has a lower libido bc so many men have high ones, but clearly there are some men who don't.
I've actually recently read some v sad research by the Uni of Lancaster about men coerced into penetrating gfs when they didn't want to. They all said that the idea that men are always up for it, propagated by other men, made it worse. It's easy to think of all men as crazily horny, but we do have to try not to generalise.
The grandmother comment made me laugh- I actually think my gran's generation had fewer sexual expectations bc the sexual revolution in some ways put more pressure on women, & put less onus on men to control themselves a bit. No online porn either. Oral sex wasn't common before 1970s, for instance. Anal def not! Ofc in some ways this meant less pleasure for women, but also less pressure.

I absolutely support your decision to end the marriage OP, but tbf this is not actually a "sexless marriage". Sex therapists define a dead bedroom as less than 5 times a year iirc. By the standards of many frustrated spouses, twice a month is pretty good. If it's not good enough for you, fair enough, but it's not farfetched to imagine that your DH feels he's honoured his promise to you.

I would not waste your energy on anger. If you're sure you can't cope long-term, then leave. I can almost promise you things won't change if you stay. It's a valid reason to leave, although lots of people will tell you otherwise based on their own beliefs and feelings, none of which are relevant to your own cost/benefit analysis. But I would keep the details to yourself when you tell people you're separating. My guess is you've already been made to feel bad enough about it.

me and my husband haven’t had sex for two months. The reason is my teenage son is always awake til late. I also have lost some libido due to menopause. My husband took a bit of time off on a working day so we could just have a bit of time. He understands that sometimes life gets in the way and also that i’m changing.

I’d really recommend seeing a sex therapist. I did (for a different issue), and it really helped. Also have you looked at the “5 love languages” OP? I am wondering if him feeling validated, loved and cared for in other ways would spill over into more sex / desire? All the best.

Honestly this sounds like so much pressure, and I can’t see a sex therapist making that any better. The constant talking about it, investigating it, I cant see that helping at all and he must be feeling so stressed. It’s being spoken about as though he has a problem that needs counselling or medical help to deal with, maybe it’s not that deep, maybe he just has a lower libido and that’s the end of that.

Of course there will be dry spells, but the issue is with longterm minimal sex/sexual rejection.

To say that marriage involves sexual obligation...that's reality, not "very disturbing" or outdated. The promise of sex within marriage is literally there in the vows. It's also enshrined in law, in the sense that lack of sex is grounds for divorce.

Most people are uncomfortable with the idea of sexual obligations. I don't like it either, which is why I would be very wary of marrying again.

And yes, we all wish that we lived in some nirvana where we could just rarely have sex if we don't feel like it, have it when we want it, and our spouses wouldn't feel unloved and unwanted. But that is not reality. Try marrying and then giving your spouse minimal or no sex and see what happens. Spouses DO expect sex from each other. That's life.

I suppose you could say that marriage itself is somewhat transactional that way, so you could argue that marriage itself is disturbing and outdated. And it is, in a way. You both trade your sexual freedom for at-least-somewhat-frequent access to each other's bodies. That is actually a bit gross. We dress it up in lace and ribbons, literally, but at its core, that's what marriage comes down to for many, many people. It didn't for me - I thought marriage was about a great love that transcended all that physical stuff - but for many people, sex is of vital importance, and they do expect it once those vows have been made.

I think society should be more open about the transactional nature of marriage. I'd certainly have been much more prepared.