Husband just walked out- intimacy issues

[Newstart2024]

Bit of background, me and DH have 3 kids aged 7,4 and 2. My libido always been a bit lower than his but okay, we talked about it before marriage and with our vicar in wedding counselling prior and dh said he couldnt live in a sexless marriage. Which is fine by me I agreed.
Since then and with the children our sex life has been up and down and on a down patch after our second we had some counselling where husband says he doesn’t feel desired, touch is a love language and he always initiates which makes him feel like he’s pressuring me. He basically said if things didn’t improve he’d leave because it’s so important to him. we talked it through (though counsellor wasn’t great and part of her advice was to stop breastfeeding??!!!). we were okay for a while.
Recently I’ve changed contraception and after sorting it finally my husband suggested we try for intimacy once a week and he didn’t always want to intiate.

This was fine at first but last few weeks we haven’t and I didn’t think anything of it. Then last weekend he did suggest we go upstairs but I’d hurt my neck and told him it might be worth waiting a few days which he was annoyed about but he knows it’s true!

Cut to mid week last week and after we did kids bedtime I came down and he had packed a bag! He told me he had arranged a room through air bnb and was moving there. He was very calm saying he had always been clear about intimacy and he couldn’t see the marriage continuing. The air bnb is 10 minute walk away and he left.
I have been left overnight with kids and doing breakfast in the morning. I normally do this but sometimes he is here working from home or sometimes he has left for the office. I do the childminder drop off for youngest and school runs. We both work, then one of us will pick kids up from childminder at 5:30-6. He has come here after work to help with bedtimes then off back to the air Bnb!!!

Last night he sent an email saying this weekend he would be back home with family (they live 150 miles away) and then he would look after kids next weekend. He said we can discuss a longer term solution. He has the money to rent a room I’m sure but that money we have been putting towards our holidays etc. He earns more than me.

I am totally blindsided and don’t know what to do next?! When I’ve talked to him he said he hasn’t ruled out reconciling but doesn’t know how things are expected to change when we’ve already discussed and had counselling about this issue before. I’d be willing to make more of an effort but it’s just not on my radar as much as him.

Ideas? He’s really calm and just seems a bit sad and in “I’ve got a plan” mode?! I’ve been frustrated upset and shocked and asked him to stay and talk but he’s just been going back to air bnb and wants to talk when situation a bit clearer and calmer? Kids are okay but confused their day is pretty much the same.

Ohhhh, it’s NOT about anyone getting their end away! It’s about being LONGTERM unloved, rejected, and deeply lonely in a situation where no one else can meet those basic needs for connection. And the rejection is coming from the one person on earth who’s supposed to find you desirable, and in fact is the only person who’s allowed to want you and show it!

People who have never experienced the pain and psychological damage a minimal-sex marriage brings truly have NO idea what on earth they’re talking about.

Best of luck OP

Tbh he’s been very clear on this point since before you got married. It’s probably too late to reconcile but you could try putting something on your diary to remind yourself every other week. But it sounds like you’re just not compatible in an area
thats always been very important to him.

It’s not quite that though is it? He’s been talking to her about this for 18years!!! They’ve had 2 lots of counselling. Op has made agreements and not stuck to them as she didn’t think about it-that’s the problem. And then trivialising his feelings and saying she thinks he’s being a bit dramatic? Maybe he has just had enough of feeling undesired by his wife and maybe the impact to his self esteem has got him to this. He has done this properly. He’s moved out and is figuring a way of coparenting.

If this was a woman saying they felt deeply lonely and unattractive in their 18year old marriage and despite numerous conversations, counselling and broken promises (even once a week wasn’t kept to) then what should she do? Everyone would pile in with a LTB, which is what he’s done.

The reverse doesn’t change anything for me either, aside from the fact no one has left the house yet(?)

Therefore it might be easier to have a chat about logistics if you do leave. You should still ultimately separate but you may not need to be the one to leave.

But we’re talking specifically about marriage. Marriage carries with it an implicit and explicit (“with my body I honour you”) understanding that you “forsake all others” order to “keep me only unto thee.” Sex is the cornerstone of marriage. It’s the only thing which makes it different from all other relationships.

This does not mean that you have to have sex with someone who treats you badly.

It does mean that, if your spouse is treating you decently and all other things are equal, you’re obliged to keep up a physical relationship with the person you’re meant to love above all others.

Like it or not, marriage comes with sexual expectations and obligations, and I think society should be more open about that. If you only ever want to have sex on your terms and only when you want to, that’s fine, but then you shouldn’t get married.

Providing that your spouse is decent, I think we should stop making out that having sex with them when you might not be completely in the mood is some terrible thing equivalent to rape. It isn’t. Your spouse is your person, your loved one, the one for whom you each forsook all others. You need to have sex with them, and if you really can’t stomach that, you should let them
go.

Obviously, if you have an abusive spouse, this does not apply.

This

This sounds miserable for both of you. He isn’t broken, neither of you are but I don’t think there is a compromise here. Hindsight is a marvellous thing but neither of you really took your sexual incompatibility as seriously as you should have.

See: Marital Rape & Coercion.

It doesn’t matter if they’re married or not. He doesn’t want sex, so if she insists they have sex knowing he would rather not have it, it’s coercive rape.

It boils down to the fact that if someone is only having sex with you because they feel obligated to, then they do not want to have sex with you because THEY want sex, but because they feel they have to have it.

It would sicken me to think that my husband was forcing himself to do something he didn’t want to do just so I a) wouldn’t leave him, b) make his life miserable or c) go elsewhere for it.

The fact that so many seem ok with the idea of forcing their spouse to have sex they don’t want to have is frankly astonishing

No one is owed sex. No one deserves sex. No one is obligated to have sex. No one is obliged to give sex. A piece of paper or the “eyes of the Lord” does not change that.

They both knew this was an issue before marriage, and they shouldn’t have gotten married - but they did, and here they are.

In the unlikely scenario that OP is ok forcing her husband to have sex he doesn’t want to have, then she’s reduced him to a sex toy only for her pleasure, with no consideration to his own autonomy

I think in your case OP I’d just cheat. I’d drop a day too, or morning like your DH has, would start putting myself first and find a married man in the same position and have sex with them. Safe sex
obvs. i’d guess that even if your DH is suspicious he’ll turn a blind eye.

that’s the obvious solution

@blacksax read the thread!

@sausagesforteaagain that's what did in a somewhat similar situation, but it worked out very unexpectedly (I didn't end up with either the H or the man I had the affair with). I didn't have children then though, so the end of the marriage wasn't so impactful on anyone else.

“No one is owed sex. No one deserves sex. No one is obligated to have sex. No one is obliged to give sex. A piece of paper or the “eyes of the Lord” does not change that.”

And no- one should end up in a sexless marriage when they stated clearly before marrying that wasn’t going to be ok.

I haven’t raped him and he didn’t rape me when in our earlier years he initiated when I wasn’t feeling particularly up for it. I’ve searched for a compromise yet we don’t seem to be able to find any. I don’t know why people have such a binary view or that it should be the person who wants sex that should put up with not having it.

OP, gently, you are defending him a LOT. To the point where this feels slightly like a reverse.

If you sympathise with him this much then you know the answer is to schedule sex once a week and not forget. If you’re happy to do this then good for you. For what it’s worth, I don’t think anyone should have to be intimate if they don’t want to. But if you are that set on “seeing his point of view” then just crack on and tell him you’ll commit to doing it once a week.

I didn’t say you raped him or he raped you. What I mean is, you know he doesn’t want sex and doesn’t want to change that - so if you stay and insist he changes that, and he gives in and has sex with you, that’s when it gets really gross. You’ve asked him time and time again for more sex, and the answer is a resounding no. Sure, he increases the frequency for a while, but when the choice is 100% his, he doesn’t not pursue sex. It’s his right to not have sex, just the same as it’s your right to want sex, and leave the relationship in search of a more suitable partner.

Things shouldn't have to change to barely any sex. Change from going at it like rabbits to once a week is healthy. But to 'I never think about it, never initiate it and happy will never do it again' is not.

He's not selfish. He's told the OP for years that he is struggling with the lack of sex and even attended therapy.

I feel like some people will say the man is selfish regardless of the circumstances. Usually women who themselves don't like sex

If you are both serious about saving your relationship then a sex counsellor would probably be best. If it’s just sex that seems to be the problem in your relationship and you are both happy with everything else.

He doesn't sound cold. OP said he just sounded very sad. He sounds defeated and resigned to me

@MummyJ36 it is a reverse

Really? So it’s the husband writing this?

In which case screwwww all of this.

I’ll say one more thing and leave it there, because frankly, I worry very much for many of the potential partners of posters:

For anyone who thinks it’s perfectly fine to insist someone has sex when they don’t want to, for any reason.

Imagine your child in the situation. Your child is sitting there, and their spouse walks in and says “I want more sex, and because we’re married, it doesn’t matter if you don’t want it. I want it, so that trumps you not wanting it. We’re married, and I want sex, so I matter more than you. If you don’t have sex with me, I’ll leave you and find it somewhere else. So have sex with me to keep ME happy”. Your child says “Ok, fine, I don’t want it but I’ll do it to keep you happy - even though I feel pressured into it just to keep the peace.”

Would you seriously be content to know your child has been pressured into doing something they don’t want to, as if they’re nothing more than a penis or vagina for someone else to use? A ring and a piece of paper would seriously make that ok in your eyes? Someone’s body being used as a tool is ok?

Maybe some people can live with that, using their spouse as a sex toy without consideration for their spouse, but frankly, the idea makes me sick to my stomach

It is a disgusting feeling, to be pretty much blackmailed into sex, if you give in and provide it. It doesn't matter which way round the sexes are. I want sex or I'm going to fuck your life up, doesn't make many a partner horny. OP speaks in such a transactional manner, I'm not surprised he is turned off. He's probably alright for a bit because, as stated, she doesn't want to lose the extra childcare until the kids are old enough to look after themselves. The way OP has conducted herself on this thread paints a picture of a very calculating personality that is no more attractive in a woman than a man.

@MummyJ36 no it's not the husband. Just read the OP's posts, why don't you?

How old are your children, OP?

I have read them. Wow. Thanks for the aggressive reply! I’ve obviously missed something… 😟

Hi OP

So sorry for your troubles

My friend has hit the menopause....so different stage of life for her.....ie no young children added to the mix

She basically haz zero libido. no interest in sex at all She loves her husband v much and sex is really important to him. He is a good husband

She puts reminders on her calendar to initiate sex evey so often and they have sex twice a week approx

She says she's happy to do that as she couldn't imagine life without him by her side. She is not forced into it but knows sex is super important to him.

Not sure if this anecdote is of any help to you....but just letting you know that is how they resoved the libido mismatch.

Good luck x