Husband just walked out- intimacy issues

[Newstart2024]

Bit of background, me and DH have 3 kids aged 7,4 and 2. My libido always been a bit lower than his but okay, we talked about it before marriage and with our vicar in wedding counselling prior and dh said he couldnt live in a sexless marriage. Which is fine by me I agreed.
Since then and with the children our sex life has been up and down and on a down patch after our second we had some counselling where husband says he doesn’t feel desired, touch is a love language and he always initiates which makes him feel like he’s pressuring me. He basically said if things didn’t improve he’d leave because it’s so important to him. we talked it through (though counsellor wasn’t great and part of her advice was to stop breastfeeding??!!!). we were okay for a while.
Recently I’ve changed contraception and after sorting it finally my husband suggested we try for intimacy once a week and he didn’t always want to intiate.

This was fine at first but last few weeks we haven’t and I didn’t think anything of it. Then last weekend he did suggest we go upstairs but I’d hurt my neck and told him it might be worth waiting a few days which he was annoyed about but he knows it’s true!

Cut to mid week last week and after we did kids bedtime I came down and he had packed a bag! He told me he had arranged a room through air bnb and was moving there. He was very calm saying he had always been clear about intimacy and he couldn’t see the marriage continuing. The air bnb is 10 minute walk away and he left.
I have been left overnight with kids and doing breakfast in the morning. I normally do this but sometimes he is here working from home or sometimes he has left for the office. I do the childminder drop off for youngest and school runs. We both work, then one of us will pick kids up from childminder at 5:30-6. He has come here after work to help with bedtimes then off back to the air Bnb!!!

Last night he sent an email saying this weekend he would be back home with family (they live 150 miles away) and then he would look after kids next weekend. He said we can discuss a longer term solution. He has the money to rent a room I’m sure but that money we have been putting towards our holidays etc. He earns more than me.

I am totally blindsided and don’t know what to do next?! When I’ve talked to him he said he hasn’t ruled out reconciling but doesn’t know how things are expected to change when we’ve already discussed and had counselling about this issue before. I’d be willing to make more of an effort but it’s just not on my radar as much as him.

Ideas? He’s really calm and just seems a bit sad and in “I’ve got a plan” mode?! I’ve been frustrated upset and shocked and asked him to stay and talk but he’s just been going back to air bnb and wants to talk when situation a bit clearer and calmer? Kids are okay but confused their day is pretty much the same.

My relationship didn't work out either. I hoped certain things would get better and not worse, but they worsened. That's OK. We can be kind to ourselves. We're only human. If you remain unhappy despite efforts to improve matters, or if he doesn't try, then I think you owe it to your children to leave. Kids need happy parents. Not miserable ones who are full of resentment or contempt. Leave before it gets to that point.

OP, you are not selfish or breaking up your family.
You have always been clear about your needs and the importance.

Feeling unwanted and unloved is very damaging in ANY relationship.

@WinterSunglasses OP has answered these questions. You can use the filter to see just the posts from OP.

I think it's a lot more nuanced than that.

how?

Person A wants sex, Person B does not. Should Person A insist on sex that Person B does not want, Person B has been raped. There’s no nuance to consent. He either wants it too or he doesn’t.

🙄

That’s not an answer. If you claim it’s nuanced, explain how. Or do you not want to admit it really is that simple?

It’s ok to admit you were mistaken you know

I hate reverses, particularly with a topic this personal. People share their own experiences in good faith and often in intimate detail and they deserve to know the real context in which they're deciding to do so.

That said, my reaction doesn't change. Feeling unloved and unwanted in an intimate relationship is a very special and soul-destroying kind of loneliness. I could not be doing with the melodrama of a walk-out to an airbnb, but I think the decision to pull the plug on the marriage is justifiable, considering that this isn't a new problem and multiple attempts have been made to address it to no avail. I doubt the facts of the matter will change so all that remains is to decide if you can live with them or not. Clearly you can't. But don't just pack a bag and flounce out. Explain that the marriage is over and make civilised separation arrangements together.

I am curious to know which of you looks like Michael Bublé, I must say.

+1 🙄

This. People seem to think one of them HAS to compromise but there is no compromise here that won’t lead to one or both becoming resentful. Much better for their kids to grow up with parents who decided they were better off as friends than parents who hate each other

There’s no nuance to consent. He either wants it too or he doesn’t.

The nuance is when someone consents to it (even initiates it) without really 'wanting' it I.e. they don't feel like it but they consent anyway.

That can be an appalling thing resulting from coercive control or it can be a perfectly normal part of a functioning relationship, or anything in between.

I'd divorce him, you get one life so divorce him and let him live a lonely existence.

Everyone deserves a loving and sexual relationship if that's what they want.

Re. your first paragraph, my ex-h was also just like this. He’d give me the silent treatment for days on end, sometimes 2-3 weeks, and absolutely refused to tell me what was wrong. I must have asked him a million times during our marriage “What’s wrong, what’s wrong, what’s wrong” and the answer always came back “Nothing, nothing, nothing.” He was an emotionally abusive covert narcissist, and the experience basically put me off serious relationships for life. The sexless period, which came later, was another method of control.

Your experience of his sexual entitlement and him making it last for hours sounds awful. I’m so glad you got out.

dids you not RTFT? its a reverse

Well I can tell from your use of just emojis without actual discussion of points makes you quite the scholar.

Consider me re-educated 🙄🤣

Well if that works for OP, then so be it. But I know if it were me, I’d feel very predatory knowing he didn’t really want it and was only “going through the motions”. How sad to think you’re making your husband do something he does not want to do just to feel wanted - and you’d hardly feel wanted knowing he was only doing it to keep you happy and quiet

I wasn't "mistaken" in any shape or form. I just CBA trying to explain it to you. Alright?

A surprise? That getting his end away is more important to him than his three children?

What a prince among men he is.

Yes @UsernameNameUser me too.

Anyway all thanks for answering!!! Lots of useful posts and things to think about.

The bag will remain packed (wonder if he will notice, doubtful!). I will have a chat with him but not today, just reading this thread is a lot to take in.

I think the enthusiasm trying for our children gave me hope and generally if we have a weekend to ourselves we do have sex but they’re just glimmers in the dark and I was probably kidding myself.

I’ll have a serious chat with him and show him the air bnb booking. That I need a break from the lonely nights at home (and yes we’re together in the evenings but box sets whilst scrolling instagram aren’t my idea of intimacy.) I think it might help us both to see what life is like apart.

My intention with a child so young is not to leave yet, but ultimately when the children get easier to look after alone I imagine we’ll split. Honestly I don’t see there’s a choice. I’ve always been clear a sexless marriage is a no, I am unhappy and sad and I don’t want to live my life that way. I’ll either be tempted to cheat or get horribly depressed. It’ll end in a worse mess than if I stay.

I’ll share the sex therapist info and see if we can get to the bottom of it or I can get him to open up at all about sex and at least reconcile us both to the situation… but unless they’re miracle workers I don’t see long term it’ll work itself out.

When we chat I’ll try and update the thread. I appreciate this has been a relatively sane thread for mumsnet with lots of empathetic advice so thanks!

Ok, that’s fine. Although I do find it odd you’re so insistent & confident on my being wrong but have not shared why. Almost seems like you have no real answer. If all people were taught of their being incorrect that way, why we wouldn’t need schools!

Have a lovely evening!

Someone upthread wrote that OP would be selfish to walk away from her three children.

Firstly, her husband is selfish not to maintain a relationship with his children’s mother. He has damaged their home with his longterm rejection of her. Secondly, she would not be walking away from them. She would have at least 50/50 custody, maybe more.

Good luck OP

Best of luck OP!

Hi OP, I have a friend who was in the same situation as you - she tried for years to work on the marriage and begged her husband to spend time with her, be affectionate with her and have sex with her. He wasn't interested and spent all his energies on the children and work. Wouldn't make time to spend with her at all and always avoided going to bed until she was asleep. Eventually she left and is now in a happy and loving relationship with a lovely man. My friend realised that he never loved or desired her but that he really wanted children. Once he had his children he stopped having any interest in her at all. If I were you, I'd leave now rather than waste years of your life trying to make it work with someone that doesn't desire you. It's a lonely and humiliating place to be.