Husband just walked out- intimacy issues

[Newstart2024]

Bit of background, me and DH have 3 kids aged 7,4 and 2. My libido always been a bit lower than his but okay, we talked about it before marriage and with our vicar in wedding counselling prior and dh said he couldnt live in a sexless marriage. Which is fine by me I agreed.
Since then and with the children our sex life has been up and down and on a down patch after our second we had some counselling where husband says he doesn’t feel desired, touch is a love language and he always initiates which makes him feel like he’s pressuring me. He basically said if things didn’t improve he’d leave because it’s so important to him. we talked it through (though counsellor wasn’t great and part of her advice was to stop breastfeeding??!!!). we were okay for a while.
Recently I’ve changed contraception and after sorting it finally my husband suggested we try for intimacy once a week and he didn’t always want to intiate.

This was fine at first but last few weeks we haven’t and I didn’t think anything of it. Then last weekend he did suggest we go upstairs but I’d hurt my neck and told him it might be worth waiting a few days which he was annoyed about but he knows it’s true!

Cut to mid week last week and after we did kids bedtime I came down and he had packed a bag! He told me he had arranged a room through air bnb and was moving there. He was very calm saying he had always been clear about intimacy and he couldn’t see the marriage continuing. The air bnb is 10 minute walk away and he left.
I have been left overnight with kids and doing breakfast in the morning. I normally do this but sometimes he is here working from home or sometimes he has left for the office. I do the childminder drop off for youngest and school runs. We both work, then one of us will pick kids up from childminder at 5:30-6. He has come here after work to help with bedtimes then off back to the air Bnb!!!

Last night he sent an email saying this weekend he would be back home with family (they live 150 miles away) and then he would look after kids next weekend. He said we can discuss a longer term solution. He has the money to rent a room I’m sure but that money we have been putting towards our holidays etc. He earns more than me.

I am totally blindsided and don’t know what to do next?! When I’ve talked to him he said he hasn’t ruled out reconciling but doesn’t know how things are expected to change when we’ve already discussed and had counselling about this issue before. I’d be willing to make more of an effort but it’s just not on my radar as much as him.

Ideas? He’s really calm and just seems a bit sad and in “I’ve got a plan” mode?! I’ve been frustrated upset and shocked and asked him to stay and talk but he’s just been going back to air bnb and wants to talk when situation a bit clearer and calmer? Kids are okay but confused their day is pretty much the same.

Sorry OP - just found it. Are you back in work? Will really help if you are and decide it's best to separate.

no its the wife writing it. She wants sex, her husband doesn't

Thank you! 😊 I’ve obviously missed this in OP’s replies.

its kind of a weird reverse...

I agree. I really don’t like reverse posts. I always find that it details the thread when it comes out it’s a reverse.

I think I'd have thought again about marrying him if he outlined that as a deal breaker to the vicar (could he not envisage a time when it wouldn't be a priority? Kids, illness etc).

I think this is always going to be an issue so I'd let him go.

Yes this.
Nothing more of a turn off than being told you’ve to “ initiate it “🙄
There are ways to put your partner in the mood and it sounds like he doesn’t have a clue!

I am sick of reading nonsensical posts from people who haven't read the OP's posts.

It's a reverse! The OP is a woman who wants sex. Her husband doesn't appear to.

I really really feel for you.

Largely because I'm probably months behind you.

I don't want much sex, DH does, DH is unhappy and there's nothing I can do about it except have sex I don't want.

He will leave me, it's coming, I know it is and I can't avoid it.

If sex is a chore for OP that's not fair on her. If her husband needs sex this often but she isn't comfy with that, neither is wrong but they're not compatible. I personally feel the husband is impatient & libido should improve after kids are a bit older. But if OP didn't want sex much before, unlikely to change?
To the pp about getting in mood, that could be the issue. Do you mean specifically sexually, or being considerate more generally? But it sounds like before the tension sex wasn't high priority for OP either. Some people just have lower libido no matter how their partner is.

The reason for a third DC is obvious, keeps you both busier, affects the woman physically, and usually results in less sex. He was probably hoping your libido would take a hit from it. Also, it's was a way to encourage you to stay. Not that he's worried enough that you might leave to do anything about it personally, he's just gone down the route of trying to distant you from the elephant in the room.
He's doing all he can to put you off sex, that is unusual in a man. I think counselling on his own would be more useful, as would a GP visit.
It probably is a reasonable idea to give him a jolt and move to a B&B for a bit. You've tried for years and he's hell bent on trying to destroy your libido rather than look into his problems. Don't do what you claimed he'd done initially. Tell him in advance you'll be going for a while and make sure you tell him that you intend to be there for all childcare necessities.

Totally agree @MerlotMisery

my ExH started avoiding sex with me and withdrew all affection- I much preferred being happily single ( with no sex) for almost two years after we split.

being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to touch you was the most soul destroying thing I’ve ever experienced

So sorry you're going through this.

Why would DH leave so suddenly? You feel he's in 'plan mode'. Could there be someone else in the picture?

Just saw this was a reverse @Newstart2024 and feeling smug that I know I wouldn’t change my advice
for the reason I’ve posted above!

*NoisyDenimShaker *
Thank you for that. It's good to know it wasn't just 'me'!
The thing was, he was a narcissist, but so was my mother and their behaviour was so similar (besides the sex) that it took me a very long time to realise it.
How he acted was 'normal' to me so l didn't question it at all.
Fortunately after we split up l was in relationships with two younger men (not at the same time!) and l had no 'problem' with them whatsoever.
Mainly because they we considerate and treated me properly!
I hope you're okay now. They really do leave scars, emotional and mental, if not physical. x

I agree with this, particularly the second point. In the early child years when exhausted it was / still is hard to sometimes see sex as something for me, rather than something I have to do for someone else as a duty or task / something expected and a requirement in a relationship to allow my partner access to my body

It's her own fault for writing a reverse.

A useless man is uniquely maddening. I get it. My ex-DH was like that too. 15 years on, I still boil with rage that he didn't know where the towels were kept. I remember his mum coming to stay and he had to ask me to get towels out for her.

It's definitely a chicken-and-egg situation. And it isn't fair that you have to be the one to break the cycle. Life isn't fair though, sadly.

Could you
a) Dig deep and be the one to break it by working on intimacy, and see if that makes him more motivated to be more on an equal partner?

b) If you really feel you can't do that, could you sit him down and communicate? Tell him how you feel about carrying the load and what it does to your libido and energy levels. Not in an accusatory way, but a "Gosh, I so wish things were different" kind of way. "I wish I had the energy to bring to our bedroom, but I'm always so tired bc of xyz. I miss it. Can you work through this with me? What do you think/suggest?" kind of thing.

Right now, it seems to be a race to the bottom, and no it isn't fair that you have to sort things out, but if you make the first move to do so, it might pay off tenfold.

This is exactly what happened in my marriage. He wanted sex every night. I didn’t. There were no hugs because that meant sex. We divorced. Turned out it was the best thing I ever did. Met someone else. Turned out I do want sex, just not with somebody who was always demanding it whilst not helping with the children or home at all. Let him go

I wouldn’t change my advice now this is a reverse.

Re the Airbnb, I don’t think that that counts as communication, if you’re hoping he will have some kind of epiphany. He doesn’t want to shag you, that is not going to change because you walk out. Walk out for a break for your own sanity, but don’t expect anything to change.

maybe he privately prefers porn or just has a low libido for any kind of sexual stuff at all. I don’t think you can do much to change it.

it is a sobering thought thinking of divorce. But intimacy is such an important part of marriage and you have to be reasonably matched up.

This is a v disturbing and outdated point of view. Marriage does usually entail a sexual relationship, ofc. But it is v wrong for someone to feel a duty to have sex even if they don't want to. If they don't want to have sex fairly regularly, whereas before that was the case, they need to work out why. Relationship issues? Too busy? Need to reduce stress & tension to sort the sex out. W kids there will be dry spells, & that should be understood. But if someone really doesn't want sex v often, & there's no other reason, how can they be in love? & what are the benefits of pressuring someone to carry out a sexual 'duty' (ugh) if they're not into it? How can you enjoy sex with someone who doesn't truly desire you? Most healthy couples mutually want pretty regular sex, there shouldn't be an issue of sometimes not wanting it, if it's regular. Sometimes people are just not in the mood, & forcing yourself is bad. Why would a caring partner want that?

If before the marriage there was a libido mismatch, I think marriage was unwise.

Menopause? There needs to be medication. The pp's eg of a friend w menopause-related scheduling of sex makes me uneasy- if she doesn't mind it I guess ok. There needs to be medication for this issue.
Fallen out of love? There are other ways of keeping touch & intimacy going, but sadly sometimes couples do lose love.

being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to touch you was the most soul destroying thing I’ve ever experienced

Works both ways though. OP never shows her husband any affection outside of sex. Genuine intimacy and affection could be what is missing for her husband to actually crave sexual intimacy. If OP was open to showing her husband just a modicum of affection outside of sex then she might be surprised that it leads to a better sex life. I've been in that position and feeling like an inanimate object that is only to be touched when sex is wanted is incredibly agonizing and makes you feel worthless, hard to feel turned on when you feel like a sex doll.

Hugs OP, not an easy situation. Maybe sex therapist will help, but have you also thought of (consensual) non-monogamy? It's not for everyone but just a thought.

@AliasGrace47

It may well be old fashioned.. but it's nonetheless true .. you can be as 'right on' as you like but sadly it boils down to this... if he doesn't get sex from you he WILL look elsewhere... in the EXACT same way as I would if my DH decided it was a chore...

Without sex we are housemates.. and I can charge a housemate rent !

Nobody is forcing anybody to have sex or advocating that. Your viewpoint is extremist. People VOLUNTEER to be the one person their spouse can have sex with. If a spouse then doesn't want sex with their partner on a longterm basis, and the spouse is a decent non-abusive person, then why on earth remain married to them?

If geeing oneself up to get in the mood when one would rather have a cup of tea is completely unacceptable, do you at least agree that a spouse who wants no or minimal sex should set their higher-libido partner free?

I don't think that making an effort to get into it when you feel like you can't be bothered counts as rape. We all do things we can't be bothered about all the time. That party you really really don't want to attend and would rather stay in, if you go to please your partner, are you being forced against your will to go? Is that coercive control? Every reasonable person knows that marriage comes with sexual strings attached. Sex is the cornerstone of marriage. You said that it doesn't matter if you're married - but it absolutely does, because in marriage you're tied to that person only, and stepping out comes with terrible consequences. Shag your partner or let them go.