Husband just walked out- intimacy issues

[Newstart2024]

Bit of background, me and DH have 3 kids aged 7,4 and 2. My libido always been a bit lower than his but okay, we talked about it before marriage and with our vicar in wedding counselling prior and dh said he couldnt live in a sexless marriage. Which is fine by me I agreed.
Since then and with the children our sex life has been up and down and on a down patch after our second we had some counselling where husband says he doesn’t feel desired, touch is a love language and he always initiates which makes him feel like he’s pressuring me. He basically said if things didn’t improve he’d leave because it’s so important to him. we talked it through (though counsellor wasn’t great and part of her advice was to stop breastfeeding??!!!). we were okay for a while.
Recently I’ve changed contraception and after sorting it finally my husband suggested we try for intimacy once a week and he didn’t always want to intiate.

This was fine at first but last few weeks we haven’t and I didn’t think anything of it. Then last weekend he did suggest we go upstairs but I’d hurt my neck and told him it might be worth waiting a few days which he was annoyed about but he knows it’s true!

Cut to mid week last week and after we did kids bedtime I came down and he had packed a bag! He told me he had arranged a room through air bnb and was moving there. He was very calm saying he had always been clear about intimacy and he couldn’t see the marriage continuing. The air bnb is 10 minute walk away and he left.
I have been left overnight with kids and doing breakfast in the morning. I normally do this but sometimes he is here working from home or sometimes he has left for the office. I do the childminder drop off for youngest and school runs. We both work, then one of us will pick kids up from childminder at 5:30-6. He has come here after work to help with bedtimes then off back to the air Bnb!!!

Last night he sent an email saying this weekend he would be back home with family (they live 150 miles away) and then he would look after kids next weekend. He said we can discuss a longer term solution. He has the money to rent a room I’m sure but that money we have been putting towards our holidays etc. He earns more than me.

I am totally blindsided and don’t know what to do next?! When I’ve talked to him he said he hasn’t ruled out reconciling but doesn’t know how things are expected to change when we’ve already discussed and had counselling about this issue before. I’d be willing to make more of an effort but it’s just not on my radar as much as him.

Ideas? He’s really calm and just seems a bit sad and in “I’ve got a plan” mode?! I’ve been frustrated upset and shocked and asked him to stay and talk but he’s just been going back to air bnb and wants to talk when situation a bit clearer and calmer? Kids are okay but confused their day is pretty much the same.

Oh dear, where do we start?

I'm now thinking how I would feel if my DH was showing little interest in being intimate with me. I'd be thinking I know he loves me,I know he finds me attractive but what is it I'm doing or not doing to make him behave this way. I would ask him if there is anything I could do to help. I would try learning about erogenous zones & how to ignite the spark. I would have meaningful chats about how he is feeling physically & ask him outright if he felt there was anything wrong such as erectile dysfunction or poor orgasms. Sexual incompatibility is understandably soul destroying for the person who is seeking more intimacy. On a positive note where there is love & attraction this can be sorted. If there was lack of sex due to a disability you have to ask yourself OP would you dump the man you love & break up your family if it was due to an organic problem or would you do your utmost to find ways to solve it.There may be something your DH hasn't admitted to you. If this is the case try you're best to find out what it is.

I hope it works out for the best for you both.

It does sound really hard, I hope he agrees to get some better counselling and to take it seriously.
I have a friend who just rented a flat with a spare room for the children and left her husband, she's much happier now. Just make sure you get good financial advice and think about childcare arrangements etc as once you say you want a divorce he may become far less co-operative and helpful.

It's one thing to threaten to leave, it's quite another to follow through with it. Some symbolic but serious intention that you intend to do something about it might make him realise you're not fucking about any more. Getting the house valued? Initial meeting with a solicitor?

Your update hasn't changed one bit what I was going to say.

I think you would be very selfish to walk away from your children. I don't know why you had three, knowing that one day this might be the outcome. You owe it to them to work on this. You got married in the full knowledge that your libidos were mismatched, and you had children in that full knowledge too.

I'd live with no sex any day before I'd wreck the lives of my very small children.

Am I the only one who thinks twice a month is not a "sexless marriage". I would describe this as a normal marriage 😂

Has he has his thyroid checked Op?

If he is just burying his head in the sand and thinks all is right in the world because he is ok and won't even get himself checked out ... then you have my sympathy. It is a frustrating and lonely situation to be in, male or female.

Does your husband agree?

Personally I'd just leave him to it. Nothing worse than being forced to have sex you don't desire or being guilt tripped about it all the time. You've got 3 young children so I imagine you're pretty tired.
I had a similar situation with my ex, I felt constantly pressurised and the pressure was a massive turn off. He also wanted me to initiate but on the odd occasion he didn't initiate, I was relieved to be left alone.
Either you separate, he accepts that you have a low sex drive (maybe temporary while kids are young) or you start having sex that you really don't want to stop him from leaving you. I would resent him for that.
Maybe its just not a good match.

Yes and I take the point here that it helps for both people to be on the same page. But my worry for OP is that I think twice a month is probably fairly standard in any long term relationship, especially when there are young children and life is very intense. I think it's therefore likely that she might ultimately find herself in exactly the same situation eventually in a different relationship. Will it all have been worth it?

Have you tried helping your wife around the house more, doing the dishes, running a bath for her, letting her have a lie in?

Oh wait, just seen it's a reverse, scrap that suggestion, it doesn't apply.

What reasons did he give in therapy? Is he OK with doing more childcare and you earning more than him?
Does he feel emasculated in your relationship at all?
Or would he just describe himself as a person with a low sex drive?

If he has a low sex drive naturally, and doesn't want to explore the issue, then as the woman in the relationship I would leave. It wouldn't work for me to be regularly rejected sexually by my male partner. Might seem shallow to some...but its true.

Twice a month wouldn't be normal for us. We've been together 12 year and have a 9 month old baby. Obviously the frequency has dropped but it's still not that bad.

The frequency isn't really important though. Twice a month and your partner ripping your clothes off is different to twice a month because they feel they have to.

If it was infidelity she had to put up with, the advice would be a unanimous LTB.

Why are people expected to just put up with shit sex?

Ooh, great reveal! Anyway. Even though a gender reverse is useful, I still think some gender "patterns", although they do not always apply, are useful to rule out/consider : How is his self-esteem? (you are the high earner perhaps he struggles with that). Is he depressed or depressed and shutting down communication? Is he addicted (to porn, booze, gambling, phone etc). Does he see you only in the 'mother' role now? Is he unhealthy? Is he neurodivergent? You might not be able to fix anything, but at least you will have certainty. And while there is nothing wrong with your wanting frequent sex, are there any substitutions you would accept? ( And I suppose that depends on what roles sex has for you: physical or emotional connection, romance, prioritisation, domination, subjugation, distraction, excitement, physical release etc). Could you find any other ways to meet these needs as a couple, if you are both willing? Not that you have to. You could just leave and try and find another relationship.

This is absolutely what I might do and I agree with you the impact on our children is really sad though we’re both not very shouty angry people. But when you say “You owe it to them to work on this. ” what more can I do but just accept not having sex much anymore?

The air bnb might just be a bit of a breather from the lonely nights at home and then we discuss again.

Would you consider opening up the marriage if everything else is good?

Because shit sex can be worked on. Totally different situation.

Even with the reverse, my response is still the same. He doesn’t want frequent sex (or any at all!) and you do. Counselling hasn’t worked, it’s been a long standing issue. If you stay and agree to less sex, you’re unhappy. If you stay and he agrees to more sex, he’s unhappy - and there’s always the gross factor of him potentially feeling forced/coerced. Either way, someone has resentment.

Your relationship was fundamentally incompatible before marriage & kids, two life stages that are known to make or break a marriage. The foundation was rocky before them, so it’s practically shattered now.

You’re not compatible

@Newstart2024 You said 'I do think he masturbates but don’t imagine it’s a lot who knows, he’s never said. Maybe that’s something sex therapy would go through?'.

It might, but why haven't you talked to him about this? Honestly, just ask him! It sounds to me like you don't really communicate, and that could be the real reason you've drifted so far apart.

Get him to talk to you about his sexual thoughts and fantasies. Tell him to come to you if he feels like masturbating. Does he watch porn? Tell him to stop and come to you with his desires. Ask him what he watches, get him to describe the sorts of things that turn him on. Open up to him about your desires - it might turn him on too. Watch it together. There's loads of things you could try before dropping a bomb into your children's lives.

Don't walk out on your children and a marriage that could still work. You need to talk, and talk without reins on your thoughts. Be honest, be real - it's the only way to build intimacy. And give him a hug, you never know where it might lead.

OP why do you reject his kisses and cuddles? Seems counter productive if you want to build intimacy?

He's the one leaving you. He's splitting up the family which will lead the children to having weekends at different houses etc. Potentially new families. All because he's not getting sex enough.

What's he going to tell people? Oh I left her because she only wanted sex a couple times a month and that's not enough for me, even though we have three small children. Irl I don't know anyone that wouldn't think.. wow what a tosser.

The comments on this thread are insane. He's putting his sexual needs before the happiness of his children. What a selfish man

Advise is absolutely the same, if you packed and booked an Airbnb and told them you were leaving after they had put the children to bed he would feel blindsided and you are not in a sexless relationship (gosh with 3 kids in the house I think you are above the average rates) I guess my comment about libido and age no longer applies 😂 but everything else does and very entertaining and interesting switching the gender - well done 👏👏

You could see a sex therapist, you could try a different counsellor. You could tell your DH how desperate you are feeling and that you are seriously considering walking away. He needs to get to the bottom of why his libido is so low before anything can be done to improve it.

Why are you having "lonely nights at home"? Don't you talk to each other either?

I agree with this really but boy did I kiss a lot of frogs first. We’re simpatico in ever other way how compatible do I need to be with someone to make it work… or just be alone. Sigh.

But she's tried and tried and tried, and the partner's still refusing.