Husband just walked out- intimacy issues

[Newstart2024]

Bit of background, me and DH have 3 kids aged 7,4 and 2. My libido always been a bit lower than his but okay, we talked about it before marriage and with our vicar in wedding counselling prior and dh said he couldnt live in a sexless marriage. Which is fine by me I agreed.
Since then and with the children our sex life has been up and down and on a down patch after our second we had some counselling where husband says he doesn’t feel desired, touch is a love language and he always initiates which makes him feel like he’s pressuring me. He basically said if things didn’t improve he’d leave because it’s so important to him. we talked it through (though counsellor wasn’t great and part of her advice was to stop breastfeeding??!!!). we were okay for a while.
Recently I’ve changed contraception and after sorting it finally my husband suggested we try for intimacy once a week and he didn’t always want to intiate.

This was fine at first but last few weeks we haven’t and I didn’t think anything of it. Then last weekend he did suggest we go upstairs but I’d hurt my neck and told him it might be worth waiting a few days which he was annoyed about but he knows it’s true!

Cut to mid week last week and after we did kids bedtime I came down and he had packed a bag! He told me he had arranged a room through air bnb and was moving there. He was very calm saying he had always been clear about intimacy and he couldn’t see the marriage continuing. The air bnb is 10 minute walk away and he left.
I have been left overnight with kids and doing breakfast in the morning. I normally do this but sometimes he is here working from home or sometimes he has left for the office. I do the childminder drop off for youngest and school runs. We both work, then one of us will pick kids up from childminder at 5:30-6. He has come here after work to help with bedtimes then off back to the air Bnb!!!

Last night he sent an email saying this weekend he would be back home with family (they live 150 miles away) and then he would look after kids next weekend. He said we can discuss a longer term solution. He has the money to rent a room I’m sure but that money we have been putting towards our holidays etc. He earns more than me.

I am totally blindsided and don’t know what to do next?! When I’ve talked to him he said he hasn’t ruled out reconciling but doesn’t know how things are expected to change when we’ve already discussed and had counselling about this issue before. I’d be willing to make more of an effort but it’s just not on my radar as much as him.

Ideas? He’s really calm and just seems a bit sad and in “I’ve got a plan” mode?! I’ve been frustrated upset and shocked and asked him to stay and talk but he’s just been going back to air bnb and wants to talk when situation a bit clearer and calmer? Kids are okay but confused their day is pretty much the same.

Honestly op. I think the issue here is even now you seemed surprised that anyone would leave a relationship over sex. I totally get that as it's not a deal breaker for you , it's hard to comprehend that it might be for someone else but it clearly is for your dh.
I think you are just incompatible and I'd focus on separating amicably instead. Life is too short for both of ye.

Because as I said earlier, this is not about wanting a shag, its about feeling loved and wanted....the OP said it herself, he told me touch is his love language

Such a complete OTT comment mentions nothing about him badgering her !

Genuinely can't see how you've been blindsided here, given what you've posted he's been clear about what he wants, and what is going to happen if it doesn't pan out. Yes it's shit that he's going, but you're obviously not compatible sexually.

Make sure you get good provisions for you and your children in a divorce, and leave him to it.

The thing that occurs to me most here is what is your DH actually doing that would make you feel desire for him?

He seems not to like everyday signs of affection like hugs and kisses yet they are the origin of the glue we call sex that keeps a long-term marriage together.

It sounds to me like he really could do more to build the right conditions that would put you in the mood. Probably you can too.

You say he's good in bed, yet you only feel in the mood once or twice a month.
That is true for lots of women, but you don't have to be in the mood to begin. That often comes later, as intimacy deepens with good communication.

If you really do want to save your marriage, and he does too, then that is a good starting point. You may benefit from visiting a sex therapist or you may be able to navigate this on your own if you both want to.

Do you ever spend quality time together as a couple, perhaps over a nice meal out or even better a night or weekend away where you have time to share your deepest hopes and dreams and revisit happy memories of when you first fell in love?

Are the lights ever turned down low, does he seduce you with his best self? Does he connect with you emotionally and physically before actual sex, like with a massage and your favourite music playing softly? Do you ever share your deepest fantasies?

Long marriages don't just happen by accident. They need work and frequent adjustments to move on to the next stage of deepening intimacy and trust.

With no betrayals to cause irreparable damage I think if you both still love each other you can get through this, but you both need to really want to. Then you both need to make the changes that will likely build a more rewarding relationship for the long term, which will benefit you both and especially your children (and your children's children).

And nothing about him being a bad father or husband.

And everything about, even if he did even more, it would make no difference.

Totally agree. Sex doesn’t happen much in our marriage cos of the kids and being tired but we both know it’s only for a short time.

sex is important to me too but I think it’s incredibly selfish to leave over it when you have children that young.

The big question: is libido a permanent, irreversible, unchangeable condition or can it be modified? Studies suggest that libido is not a permanent characteristic (like eye colour, or height) but can actually vary a lot with circumstances. If you are convinced libido is permanent and unchangeable for you and you can never be happy with once a week, and if he is convinced it is permanent for him and can never be happy with occasional duty sex, then you have a compatibility issue that is insoluble and divorce seems the only way.

If you go with the studies, and believe that libido can be changed, and you both love each other and want to try then it really could be worth trying. There are lots of ideas in the chat and many more on the internet.

Divorce will be hard on everyone especially the children but also for you given you are the lower earner and women also statistically do worse from divorce.

(BTW "As an aside you can get private vasectomy’s for around £1000 incl semen analysis." He would be ill-advised to do this on the brink of marriage breakdown and starting a search for a new partner who can meet his needs).

I think I'm going against the majority view here but I actually think your husband is a total prick.

Marriage isn't a transaction. You marry a person and you are meant to love that person unconditionally, and work through problems together. Not pack a bag.

Was your husband generally romantic with you? Did you feel your marriage was a safe space? Is he your team mate?

If it were me, I would be happy to see the back of him. Sending love but I think you deserve more.

I really like Esther Perel’s take on this if anyone has heard of her? Belgian relationship therapist. She says that sex for women is about anticipation. So an orgasm actually starts when the last one ended, as in the build up in between times - connection, flirtation, the sense that something is building. That’s why for so many women ‘oi, Gloria, it’s Tuesday, let’s get upstairs as we’ve a scheduled session in’ isn’t the best way of getting her on the mood for anything.
We also have the familiarity of all of being a whole village in one family - worker, carer of children and parents, housekeeper, chef, the list is endless.
When does OP have the time to connect with herself first before she even thinks about DH? Because that is where it should start. Not just ‘oi, Roger, if you’re quick you can have 20 minutes before Strictly starts whilst I mentally go through the Tesco Christmas order!’
Women lose sensuality within themselves. They don’t even get to enjoy a warm bath, or a dance class, or something that connects them to their own body. Especially with 3 young kids.
You clearly still find your DH attractive but something is not connecting within yourself, if that makes sense?
I would go and see the therapist alone and get serious about this stuff not to save your marriage but to do something for yourself.

A great podcast about all of this ‘stuff!’
www.estherperel.com/podcast

Another male who walks away so easily from 3 young children, without a backward glance !

He is a XXX

As per MN mantra

Get your ducks in a row

File for divorce, child maintenance

It is always the woman that picks up the pieces

You deserve better !

Maybe I didnt write it clearly enough. It is about him badgering her. I couldnt stand it if someone was constantly going on and on about sex.

baffled by this post. I’m struggling to see how he’s badgered her? Also what’s wrong with wanting to have sex with your partner/wife? Why the hell should he stay with someone who doesn’t show they’re attracted to him physically if he has shared that physical touch is important to him.

Lack of sex is unhealthy in a relationship, end of. This husband has made it clear that it’s important for him and he’s been ignored. OP says multiple times ‘he asked for sex once a week and it just didn’t happen’ - so she’s not actively trying.

if it was the other way round and OP needed something from her husband like acts of service or words of affirmation and he just ignored it then people would be telling her to bin him.

The fact you love him & you are attracted to him makes this for sad reading, especially if its reciprocated.

I have to be honest & say if my DH made it clear he had no interest in remaining in a sexless marriage I would move mountains to ensure it didn't happen. Having said that I admit I don't know how it feels to have a low sex drive but I think I'd do my best to ensure my DH wasn't left frustrated by a lack of general intimacy. There is an old expression use it or lose it. The longer you go without sex the less you desire it. This generally goes for men & women. Your DH may be finding his sexual abilities are on a decline leading to even more frustration. My thoughts are this needs some serious discussion. I hope you can both work it out.

He doesn't care enough about you

He is thinking with his dick, not his head or heart

Okay all, ready for the big reveal? This is a reverse and the husband in this situation is me, the wife, and although my bag is packed and air bnb is booked I haven’t walked out just yet.

I apologise for the deception but a couple of reasons;

1. I find it different when the issue is the man isn’t interested in sex, people have preconceptions in their heads who should have desire etc and it gets in the way sometimes.
2. On mumsnet whenever a man puts a foot wrong 50% of the advice is LTB. Whilst I think that’s probably going to happen in this case it’s actually the more thought through responses that have been helpful so thanks!

I’m the one who noticed dry spells for marriage and raised it before we got married. I’m the one who works Monday- Friday. I’m the one who arranged therapy last time and he was happy to come (though he’s the advice was to stop breastfeeding and cosleeping as though that would help my husbands low libido). I am the only totally broken by the idea of facing a sexless marriage, so sad the man I love can’t compromise on this and doesn’t seem to take me seriously when I’ve said it’s a deal breaker. I’m the one who doesn’t like the cuddles and kisses when he knows I’m hurting because he won’t sleep with me. I’m the the one who wanted to go upstairs the other night and suddenly he had a sore neck. This is why I’ve been so defensive for my husband but it’s actually me. This post was to sanity check I’ve basically been as clear as a I can all along and there’s not much else I can do.

A lot of responses are going to help me articulate to my husband I’ve really tried as much as possible, I’ve been clear before and throughout our marriage and I don’t know where to go from here. The more I pop the pill… needlessly… the more I become sad, depressed and angry. To pretend in this marriage is not me, I can’t do it.

Before leaving I will talk to him but I think this is the end of the road unless he starts to actually take things seriously. Ultimately I don’t think things will change and this is the end. But onwards and upwards and I’m going to try and stay positive and at least know I was authentic about it and honest the whole time!

But most relationships are transactional. I adore my husband and we don't "keep score" but if for years he repeatedly didn't want to have sex with me I would definitely leave. Sex is a big part of our marriage. Same if he refused to help with the housework or caring for our DC.

If the OPs DH had an affair then he'd be a prick and everyone would be commenting that if he wasn't happy he should have told her and left the relationship. So he's told her clearly multiple times and now left and he's still a prick. I don't think men can win in this situation. Because if he put up with a sexless marriage, stayed and ended up resenting her he'd probably still be a prick.

Anyone changing their advice now?

I’m interested if the PP who said the husband was badgering and wouldn’t let a man blackmail her like this feels the same……👀👀👀

I actually disagree with this. With such a young child and OP's injury, surely any reasonable person who wasn't just looking for a way out would stay. Two is very young.

Well my view of him now applies equally to you.

Best of luck with the rest of your life. Hope your kids cope well with the divorce and you find someone to go and have sex well into old age with.

We have fundamentally different views of marriage.

My advice is exactly the same, how can you contemplate potentially ruining your children’s childhood because of this? Very selfish

My advice is the same.

Are you intending to leave your children behind when you go to the airbnb?

I do think you would have received some very different advice. The misandry on MN is a problem. Good luck to you OP, i couldn't stay in a sexless marriage. Have a look at deadbedrooms on reddit.