LONG TERM BOYFRIEND IS A FINANCIAL CAR CRASH

[Bobbingalong39]

Boyfriend of six years has no real financial responsibility and is very frivolous with his money and it is starting to make me resent him. I am 40 and have three older children with who I share my house with which I purchased with my ex-husband. My boyfriend moved into my home a few months after my break up and has been living here since. My resentment has come from the fact that I pay the mortgage and all the bills including food and anything that is needed for the house. We always go Dutch on nights out or any activities we do which is what I have always been comfortable with as I am quite independent and don’t expect him to provide for me. He pays a horrendous amount of money for a car every month which amounts to more than my mortgage! That is his only financial responsibility which I urged him at the time not to do! He pays me £200 a month which I have asked for to cover his percentage of utility bills and food shopping, which granted, I asked for. in return I do use his car sometimes as he works full-time and has a works vehicle and never uses it. He has started a new job which he enjoys and sometimes means he has to work away. I have become bitter about this as while away, he earns very good money and blows the majority of this socialising with friends after work. While he’s away, I do not take any money off him so I do feel a little short changed when he is living a care free life despite working hard I know. My concerns now are that I don’t want to get in a position where I am always going to have to budget to pay my mortgage and bills while my boyfriend lives virtually rent free forever and has a comfortable life with no financial responsibility ever. I have told him that I may sell my house in a few years to give my children a deposit each to buy their own homes and that maybe he should get a mortgage and I can come and live with him for £200 a month instead! This obviously didn’t go down well and he thinks I’m being silly thinking about selling my house but I see it as helping my children onto the property ladder, as my parents did for me when I purchased my house with my ex-husband. I just want to not feel the pressure of looking out for someone all the time, and mothering them. do you think I should tell him that he has to pay half of all bills as if it was his own and that I will save the money for him just to see if he can be financially responsible or not? if I passed tomorrow, my house would be paid off with my life insurance and my children would sell the house and inherit the money and then he would be without a home. I think that he thinks if anything happened to me then the children would let him live there for the rest of his days, but unfortunately that wouldn’t be the case.

You are actually crazy! This cocklodger saw you coming, didn't he?! £200 from an adult fully employed man - I bet that doesn't even cover his food!! A decent man would have a bit of pride and not sponge off you like this. Money that could be better spent on your children who were forced into living with this new man mere weeks after their dad moved out!

He is financially incontinent, and he will always be that way. You are enabling him. And he's got away with it for so long, you are never rowing this one back! If you must insist on him staying, then add up all the bills and divide by 5, and he pays 1/5 of everything. I expect he will resist as he's able to live the life of a single man while not taking responsibility for anything.

You really should throw this one back! He's nothing but a drain on your resources! Of course he has a fancy expensive car - at your expense, because you are the one subsidising him! DO NOT, under any circumstances, tie yourself to this man financially. He will ruin you and your kids will lose everything you have worked for.

STOP!!! Just stop trying to change him. He won't fucking change. You're on a hiding to nothing with this total cunt. Every post, you talk about coaxing him into being a decent human being and yet for the last 6 years he's taken you for an absolute mug. Time to deal with it, or just keep being a mug. I really pity your kids.

He’s so young! Why should he not pay while he’s travelling? If it were rent then there’d be no house to come home to. Tell him to shape up and be a contributing adult or to pay his own rent somewhere else.

Honestly, if this isn’t a wind up then god help.

You are behaving like an absolute embarrassment. No wonder your ex husband left you! You live in an imaginary world of unicorns and hobits.

I hope to Christ your ex husband found a good stable life to provide for your children, because Christ knows you aren’t up to it. You seem to have gone from mummy and daddy, to a husband and now you are easy pickings to rescue the marginally superior down and out.

I don’t have the respect for him I should at this point and I am embarrassed by his life choices tbh but I have seen a big change in him in the last year and I suppose I just hope this situation will be resolved to suit us both in the long term. I will suggest he pays more money each month, which I know he will be ok with, but the test will be whether this will be sustainable for him or not? I have always been reluctant to take more from him, as not to seem like I need him, but in turn I have enabled him to live this care free life without consequence. I am not giving up on him but if things don’t change and my needs are not being met I will 100% end our relationship sooner rather than later.

You're not loyal you're nuts 🤯

Apart from anything else your poor kids, how could you risk their wellbeing with so little thought.

I'm sorry but this frustrates me so much.

You’re an idiot and your kids don’t deserve all this shit. I’m appalled that you’ve read all the responses and still looking at ways to support this man. Jesus wept.

So you're still going to stay with him and subsidise him, putting him first over your kids and yourself.

Honestly, how desperate are some women?! You put a stranger over your own daughter!!

You're as much a car crash as him.

Ask yourself why you're forcing this relationship? From what I've read I think you are scared to be alone and feel the need to make this relationship work to validate why you jumped into it so quick after ending your marriage and moving him in. He's taking the piss and you are letting him. FFS your 21 year old is being more financially responsible than him and you're still validating why you're with him and why he's paying so little to household bills. If you don't want to end it at least come up with a proper amount for him to contribute and save it (for you, not him). I've a feeling he won't take well to paying more

You clearly do have respect for him to still be considering taking out joint financial responsibilities with him when he has shown you for 6 years that he is financially irresponsible. What is wrong with you? When are you going to think with your head and not your heart?

He might be 38 but he sounds like a child. What are you getting out of this relationship exactly? How many ways do people have to spell things out to you?

How can so many people who have never met each other share the same opinion based on the things you have stated?

This guy has shown minimum respect for you and even expects you to pay for your own meal on a night out yet you still care enough about him to be worrying about his future.

Something must be wrong with you because you're not thinking correctly if you cannot see that his behaviour is wrong.

Yep and this is the second thread about this cocklodging wanker taking the absolute piss out of her and not a single word taken onboard.

It’s a waste of every PP’s time because nothing will change and golden cock will carry on living the life of Riley being bankrolled by the OP at the expense of her kids. Just unbelievable

He pays a horrendous amount of money for a car every month which amounts to more than my mortgage!

A car payment that's £500 - £1000? That's embarassing. And I bet it's one of those stupid "PCP deals" where he pays through the nose each month for a car he technically doesn't even own.

This is why people should seek relationships with other people who buy cheap, used, practical cars.

Freeloading cocklodger. He's taking the piss out of you love

You can get a deed of trust where you existing equity is protected just don't Marry him or he gets half

Drink and gambling?!! Fucking hell, it gets better! You must be absolutely desperate 😂

cocklodger. Throw him out.

Drugs too? FFS. Shame on you OP 😡
Your poor children

Don’t get me wrong this man does love me.

No, he doesn't. He loves himself and the lifestyle you so foolishly provide for him.

I really really hope this is a wind up.
I can’t bear the deluded stupidity if it’s real. And how little regard was given to the OP’s DC.

I had no idea that cock lodgers were a thing until Mumsnet, and I still can't get over how that situation happens, especially when women have children.

But I'm glad for threads like this, even if it stops one woman getting into this situation

This has to be a wind up. No one could be that desperate for a bit of cock!

I doubt she gets much cock - he's always working away, down the pub, at the bookies, scoring gear, off his head, pissed, hungover or AWOL.

The only thing the OP has ever got from this clusterfuck is a little, tiny flag, about the size of a Gnat's shit, which has "Yay I've GOT a man" written on it

My children are my first priority, and despite my bf being in our life, I do put them first

No, they’re not, and no, you don’t. You moved a heavy-drinking, weed-smoking, cocaine-using near stranger into their home a mere 7 weeks after separating from their father. Your eldest moved out because of it. You’re subsidising him with money that should be for your children. And he’s still there years later. And you’re still scrambling around trying to make it work.

Those poor DC. I hope that their father puts them first, because if he doesn’t, who does?

This is shameful OP. You’re still determined to put this allegedly former coke and weed user with a drink problem before your children. You need therapy and I need to hide your awful thread.

Unfortunately I can’t take back the past and undo the choices I made six years ago which did affect my children.
It isn’t as black-and-white as I’ve made it out on here. My daughter found out that I was seeing him and that is why she moved out, not because he was around my children in their home.
My two other children never seen him “living” in the house for the first 3 months as he would always arrive once they were in bed and leave before they woke. I did try to shield it from them. You could say he was more like a lodger to begin with as he wasn’t putting his things in the wardrobe and his toothbrush in the holder . He had been introduced to my children over a period of time and when I asked their opinions as to whether they would mind him “staying over sometimes” they were okay about this.