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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

LONG TERM BOYFRIEND IS A FINANCIAL CAR CRASH

360 replies

Bobbingalong39 · 13/11/2024 11:10

Boyfriend of six years has no real financial responsibility and is very frivolous with his money and it is starting to make me resent him. I am 40 and have three older children with who I share my house with which I purchased with my ex-husband. My boyfriend moved into my home a few months after my break up and has been living here since. My resentment has come from the fact that I pay the mortgage and all the bills including food and anything that is needed for the house. We always go Dutch on nights out or any activities we do which is what I have always been comfortable with as I am quite independent and don’t expect him to provide for me. He pays a horrendous amount of money for a car every month which amounts to more than my mortgage! That is his only financial responsibility which I urged him at the time not to do! He pays me £200 a month which I have asked for to cover his percentage of utility bills and food shopping, which granted, I asked for. in return I do use his car sometimes as he works full-time and has a works vehicle and never uses it. He has started a new job which he enjoys and sometimes means he has to work away. I have become bitter about this as while away, he earns very good money and blows the majority of this socialising with friends after work. While he’s away, I do not take any money off him so I do feel a little short changed when he is living a care free life despite working hard I know. My concerns now are that I don’t want to get in a position where I am always going to have to budget to pay my mortgage and bills while my boyfriend lives virtually rent free forever and has a comfortable life with no financial responsibility ever. I have told him that I may sell my house in a few years to give my children a deposit each to buy their own homes and that maybe he should get a mortgage and I can come and live with him for £200 a month instead! This obviously didn’t go down well and he thinks I’m being silly thinking about selling my house but I see it as helping my children onto the property ladder, as my parents did for me when I purchased my house with my ex-husband. I just want to not feel the pressure of looking out for someone all the time, and mothering them. do you think I should tell him that he has to pay half of all bills as if it was his own and that I will save the money for him just to see if he can be financially responsible or not? if I passed tomorrow, my house would be paid off with my life insurance and my children would sell the house and inherit the money and then he would be without a home. I think that he thinks if anything happened to me then the children would let him live there for the rest of his days, but unfortunately that wouldn’t be the case.

OP posts:
Schoolchoicesucks · 13/11/2024 19:26

You don't like that he doesn't have financial responsibilities like you do - but you are the one with a mortgage and children. He doesn't. You say you want him to be mature and responsible with money but then talk about taking money from him to save it for him - as though he was another of your children.
Don't sell your house and go in for joint finances with this man. Don't sell your house to give your kids house deposits if that is all of your financial stability gone. Don't put him on the mortgage.

fc123 · 13/11/2024 20:08

Laalaalaand · 13/11/2024 17:57

I can't believe you brought a stranger into your kids home within weeks of breaking up with their dad.

What were you thinking?

Please don't judge the OP.
It's likely she really struggled with end of her marriage ( I haven't read /seen anything she's written about why it ended )but if her ex DH cheated on her then the post infidelity PTSD ( yes, it is a thing ) could easily have clouded her judgement at the time.
As she's only 40 and eldest is 21, she's never had an adulthood without caring responsibilities and a partner to share her life with.

I really hope she gets some therapy for herself now. Her user name is bobbingalong which is a phrase I remember from years ago my grandmother using when I was at a point in my life where I didn't make active decisions about things, but just carried on bobbing along and making the best of the situation I was in.

Dweetfidilove · 13/11/2024 20:19

If I read about one more woman mugging themselves off, trying to prove to a nan that they're independent, I'll weep 🤦🏾‍♀️.

User452023 · 13/11/2024 20:31

He's using you OP. He earns a good wage and gives you breadcrumbs. Stop going by what he says and look at his actions. He's freeloading off of you while spending his own money frivolously. The relationship is not 50/50. He is practically contributing to nothing. He's using you.

User452023 · 13/11/2024 20:46

I just read that you might consider putting him onto your mortgage OP. Do not.. I repeat DO NOT make such a move. There are many red flags to your story. He's not doing anything to earn your trust to make such an important decision.. He already moved into your home way too quickly. He likely love bombed you and showed you his best side. He knew you have your own house. Your his meal ticket. He contributes little and he earns a good wage. Has he talked marriage yet? Wake up OP!!

This guy is clearly after your money. He is contributing very little. You have worked hard too for your home to consider sharing it financially with someone who is giving you very little back in return financially and most likely emotionally. Judging by his actions already he can't have good intentions.

Remember when people show you who they are believe them the first time.

Edingril · 13/11/2024 20:47

You made this choice so un make it

Bobbingalong39 · 13/11/2024 20:51

No three aged 16-21

OP posts:
Bobbingalong39 · 13/11/2024 21:01

I suggested getting a mortgage if he saves a deposit and we start from scratch together. My house profit will not be touched. I would like to sell it and give a deposit to my eldest two children and then keep the rest aside for my youngest and myself . If he can prove that he can save up a deposit then buying a house together could be an option. I am thinking about his future too. He needs collateral as he has no security with me. If I died tomorrow then he would be gone from my house as my eldest is the beneficiary. By suggesting this idea i thought it would be a way that he will have to be responsible for property that is in his name too.

OP posts:
User452023 · 13/11/2024 21:07

You might love this man but he certainly doesn't love you. This is exactly how con men operate. They latch onto someone vulnerable. It's Love fraud. He's pretending to love you to get at your money. He's not genuine at all. If you don't agree with what everyone on here is saying then at least do your research on love fraudsters..You need to do your homework cos he's taking you for a mug. He's hoping that you'll love him enough to go financiall with him. He has shown that he is not good with money and wants you to pay for everything.

How dare he contribute so little to your relationship and then have the audacity to even speak about being joint on your mortgage. It's actually outrageous. You will most likely end up with debts and lose your home.

fc123 · 13/11/2024 21:11

Bobbingalong39 · 13/11/2024 21:01

I suggested getting a mortgage if he saves a deposit and we start from scratch together. My house profit will not be touched. I would like to sell it and give a deposit to my eldest two children and then keep the rest aside for my youngest and myself . If he can prove that he can save up a deposit then buying a house together could be an option. I am thinking about his future too. He needs collateral as he has no security with me. If I died tomorrow then he would be gone from my house as my eldest is the beneficiary. By suggesting this idea i thought it would be a way that he will have to be responsible for property that is in his name too.

You still talk about him like you're his parent.
"Getting him to be responsible " etc etc.
@Bobbingalong39 he'll take everything from you one day.
How old is he? I'm guessing a little younger say 35/36?

TwistedWonder · 13/11/2024 21:16

So your kids have had to tolerate this pisshead cocklodger under their roof throughout their whole teenage years.? Poor poor kids. And you still don’t seem to be taking a single thing onboard

Catoo · 13/11/2024 21:18

Oh god I can’t bear it. Is be really only paying £200 a month for living at your house? He will be costing you more than that to keep him. I don’t know how he can look you in the eye.

OP he needs to be paying at least £500. Where else could he get to live with rent and bills all inclusive for less than £1000 a month?

Ignore people saying he shouldn’t pay rent. Of course he should. Everyone has to pay for accommodation one way or another. Imagine telling a landlord all you will pay for is your bills.

6 years of paying £2400 a year all inclusive?

Put up his rent or move him on.
💐

rwalker · 13/11/2024 21:23

you say he pays for his share of food and bills so he’s not costing you anything and you can use his car

User452023 · 13/11/2024 21:24

He's shown ovev 6 years that he's not responsible. And that he's selfish. And that he has no respect for you. That's why he won't get an affordable car in order to contribute more to you financially. He doesn't need to be on your mortgage. He's too untrustworthy.

The other posters have said it all really. They have collectively given you really good advice. You really must get rid of him. End of. He's a user. Users don't come with the word 'user'stamped on their forehead so we need to look at their actions.

You have feelings for him and have invested emotionally but imagine how hurt you will be when he causes you to lose your home. He doesn't really love you. He's just having all his needs met at your expense and you're putting up very little resistance.

TwistedWonder · 13/11/2024 21:25

rwalker · 13/11/2024 21:23

you say he pays for his share of food and bills so he’s not costing you anything and you can use his car

No she said she pays all the bills and buys all the food

Pipconkermash · 13/11/2024 21:41

My god OP. Please stop putting this slagheap of a man above your children

Bobbingalong39 · 13/11/2024 21:49

He is 38 next month. Maybe I am being too hasty reference selling my house to give my children a deposit. My messed up way of thinking was to make myself voluntarily homeless because then the majority of my house profit would be given to my children and it would force his hand to buy his own place. I know when I read it back it sounds very backwards!

OP posts:
User452023 · 13/11/2024 21:51

Singleandproud · Today 13:00

He works away and doesn't bring any money back? I reckon he has a second family or a gambling habit.

This is exactly what I was thinking. It doesn't add up does it?

OP have you actually seen proof of what he's doing when he's away. Ask him to share his wage slips with you for instance...if you were to ask him would he go off in a temper? Will he gaslight or deflect?

I can't believe he has the cheek to even ask to borrow money off of you, (even if he does give it back) why is he even asking. He agrees to go 50/50 on meals out...why?

So many red flags. I just have to smh,

User452023 · 13/11/2024 21:57

TwistedWonder · Today 21:25

rwalker · Today 21:23
you say he pays for his share of food and bills so he’s not costing you anything and you can use his car
No she said she pays all the bills and buys all the food

And after everything people have said and all the advice they've given. OP can you see yet he's just using you? 🧐😕

fc123 · 13/11/2024 21:58

Bobbingalong39 · 13/11/2024 21:49

He is 38 next month. Maybe I am being too hasty reference selling my house to give my children a deposit. My messed up way of thinking was to make myself voluntarily homeless because then the majority of my house profit would be given to my children and it would force his hand to buy his own place. I know when I read it back it sounds very backwards!

It's not even backwards. It's a crazy idea and a really silly way to try and persuade someone to step up to do what you would like them to do.

And he won't ever step up.
He doesn't need to.

He just gives you the love eyes and sweet talk and you back down?

That's why I suggest therapy as you're not thinking straight about this. I mean this kindly.
You can't make or force someone to be who you want them to be to you. You can try. But you won't win

Bobbingalong39 · 13/11/2024 22:01

I have his banking app on my phone which he suggested but he doesn’t seem to care that I see how frivolous he is. He also shares his location with me, and always has because he says he has nothing to hide and it’s good to have. Maybe if I didn’t have as much access to what he was doing then it would be better for me not knowing that he’s spent a fortune down the pub?

OP posts:
TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 13/11/2024 22:03

Bobbingalong39 · 13/11/2024 21:49

He is 38 next month. Maybe I am being too hasty reference selling my house to give my children a deposit. My messed up way of thinking was to make myself voluntarily homeless because then the majority of my house profit would be given to my children and it would force his hand to buy his own place. I know when I read it back it sounds very backwards!

You were going to give up all your financial security in order to force a feckless man (one who continuously lives beyond his means, drinks, gambles, and rips you off) to go in on a joint mortgage with you? A joint mortgage that you would almost certainly end up paying the bulk of, because he has repeatedly shown that he has no intention of acting like a responsible adult?

You thought that being tied financially to such a man was such a fan-bloody-tastic idea that it would be worth it to force his hand and make it happen?

fc123 · 13/11/2024 22:03

Bobbingalong39 · 13/11/2024 22:01

I have his banking app on my phone which he suggested but he doesn’t seem to care that I see how frivolous he is. He also shares his location with me, and always has because he says he has nothing to hide and it’s good to have. Maybe if I didn’t have as much access to what he was doing then it would be better for me not knowing that he’s spent a fortune down the pub?

He sounds like a teenager.
Drug tests, location tracking, check his spending really?
He's just teen no 4 in the house

fc123 · 13/11/2024 22:08

@Bobbingalong39
This is not a healthy relationship. But I understand how you don't see it.
The only way to see it how we all see it is to ask him to move out, still be a couple, but live independently for a 2-3 years.

Or get some counselling

TheFlyingHorse · 13/11/2024 22:18

For God's sake OP get this man out of your life. Where's your self esteem? I don't understand what you see in him, there's nothing attractive about a grown man acting like a teenager and you're modelling a really poor relationship to your DC.