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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

LONG TERM BOYFRIEND IS A FINANCIAL CAR CRASH

360 replies

Bobbingalong39 · 13/11/2024 11:10

Boyfriend of six years has no real financial responsibility and is very frivolous with his money and it is starting to make me resent him. I am 40 and have three older children with who I share my house with which I purchased with my ex-husband. My boyfriend moved into my home a few months after my break up and has been living here since. My resentment has come from the fact that I pay the mortgage and all the bills including food and anything that is needed for the house. We always go Dutch on nights out or any activities we do which is what I have always been comfortable with as I am quite independent and don’t expect him to provide for me. He pays a horrendous amount of money for a car every month which amounts to more than my mortgage! That is his only financial responsibility which I urged him at the time not to do! He pays me £200 a month which I have asked for to cover his percentage of utility bills and food shopping, which granted, I asked for. in return I do use his car sometimes as he works full-time and has a works vehicle and never uses it. He has started a new job which he enjoys and sometimes means he has to work away. I have become bitter about this as while away, he earns very good money and blows the majority of this socialising with friends after work. While he’s away, I do not take any money off him so I do feel a little short changed when he is living a care free life despite working hard I know. My concerns now are that I don’t want to get in a position where I am always going to have to budget to pay my mortgage and bills while my boyfriend lives virtually rent free forever and has a comfortable life with no financial responsibility ever. I have told him that I may sell my house in a few years to give my children a deposit each to buy their own homes and that maybe he should get a mortgage and I can come and live with him for £200 a month instead! This obviously didn’t go down well and he thinks I’m being silly thinking about selling my house but I see it as helping my children onto the property ladder, as my parents did for me when I purchased my house with my ex-husband. I just want to not feel the pressure of looking out for someone all the time, and mothering them. do you think I should tell him that he has to pay half of all bills as if it was his own and that I will save the money for him just to see if he can be financially responsible or not? if I passed tomorrow, my house would be paid off with my life insurance and my children would sell the house and inherit the money and then he would be without a home. I think that he thinks if anything happened to me then the children would let him live there for the rest of his days, but unfortunately that wouldn’t be the case.

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 13/11/2024 16:46

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 13/11/2024 15:57

I think there's an enormous amount of cognitive dissonance and fucked-up thinking going on, hence my recommendation of therapy. E.g.:

My children are my first priority, and despite my bf being in our life, I do put them first.

And yet the OP moved this guy in despite it causing her child to move out.

After she’d known him 7 weeks - and still put a relative stranger above her daughter.

Patienceinshortsupply · 13/11/2024 17:04

I am really sorry OP you're in this situation, and you sound very vulnerable and desperate. And he's taking absolute advantage of you for that. Can you have a look at doing the Freedom programme online? It sounds like you need a lot of support to get out of this toxic mess.

PerfectStorm00 · 13/11/2024 17:21

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 13/11/2024 12:52

this scrounger moved into your family home 2 months after your marriage ended- wtf? So you didn’t even know this bloke when you moved him under your kids roof?

It's horrific, isn't it?

And after she'd only known him 7 WEEKS !!!!!

Her poor, poor kids.😓

Yet another woman desperate for A MAN, ANYYYY MANNNNN

LivelyHare · 13/11/2024 17:24

OMG I can’t believe what I’m reading here. This MUST be a wind up! Nobody can be this daft.

Cm19841 · 13/11/2024 17:35

You should end this relationship quickly and ask him to move out. Sorry, no other answer. Your home and retirement is at risk.

PerfectStorm00 · 13/11/2024 17:40

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 13/11/2024 14:16

Honestly OP, I think that your thread title is the wrong way round. You are a car crash. You may have your finances sorted, but you moved a spendthrift drinker / gambler into your kids' home a few weeks/mths after getting divorced.

You pretty much pay him to live there (in that what he gives you does not cover his costs), and you even voluntarily reduced the pittance you asked him to give you on the basis that he lets you use his car occasionally. And your life plan involves making yourself homeless in the near future and fully throwing your lot in with this man financially.

How well did you even know him before he moved in? And whose suggestion was it? Were your kids impressed when he moved in? They were obviously old enough to have an opinion.

"but you moved a spendthrift drinker / gambler into your kids' home a few weeks/mths after getting divorced"

Not weeks after getting DIVORCED, 2 months from SEPARATING, having only known him for 7 weeks!!

You could not make this shit up

Her poor kids, the eldest even moved out as was so upset but for some reason even this had zero effect on OP's "loyalty" to goldencock

PerfectStorm00 · 13/11/2024 17:51

Bobbingalong39 · 13/11/2024 15:43

At the time of my previous post I was ready to throw in the towel but he did owe me a lot of money and I couldn’t afford to throw him out and risk not getting that back. After his mums passing he gave me every penny back from his inheritance so as it stands he doesn’t owe me a penny. My children are my first priority, and despite my bf being in our life, I do put them first. I never subsidised his “habit” and that is why we separated for a while. I hope when he’s home in a few days and I put all this to him, he will agree and we can look forward because he is a nice guy but needs to grow up and take responsibility. I am a forgiving person but I’m not completely behind the door hence why I make him do drug tests as I’ve told him that the trust has been broken and he must earn it back.

But you did and do "subsidise his habit" because you only ask him for £200 a month when he should be paying at least 4 TIMES THAT!! So that's £600 a month you are subbing him for drink, drugs, gambling etc. Not to mention the £25k he's borrowed from you over the years....

MrsMoastyToasty · 13/11/2024 17:53

He's taking you for a mug. He wouldn't even get a room in a HMO for that money.

MyHouseIsABusStop · 13/11/2024 17:55

Honestly, you have 3 kids at home, 2 of them adults? I don't think he should be paying half the bills, you should be covering 4/5 of the bills and him 1/5 of the bills.

Obviously he shouldn't be paying towards the mortgage if you want that protected. But in the same vein, you can't expect him to spend his free time doing DIY jobs to a house he will never have a stake in.

I think he's paying you too little, but I think your expectations of what he should be contributing are too high.

Draft a rental/lodger agreement and charge him more rent monthly, along with 1/5 of the bills and you have to cover all house improvement and DIY expenses like any other landlord.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 13/11/2024 17:56

MyHouseIsABusStop · 13/11/2024 17:55

Honestly, you have 3 kids at home, 2 of them adults? I don't think he should be paying half the bills, you should be covering 4/5 of the bills and him 1/5 of the bills.

Obviously he shouldn't be paying towards the mortgage if you want that protected. But in the same vein, you can't expect him to spend his free time doing DIY jobs to a house he will never have a stake in.

I think he's paying you too little, but I think your expectations of what he should be contributing are too high.

Draft a rental/lodger agreement and charge him more rent monthly, along with 1/5 of the bills and you have to cover all house improvement and DIY expenses like any other landlord.

£200 a month would barely even cover his own food though. It doesn't cover any of the bills, not a single pound.

Laalaalaand · 13/11/2024 17:57

I can't believe you brought a stranger into your kids home within weeks of breaking up with their dad.

What were you thinking?

Quitelikeit · 13/11/2024 17:58

God i despair reading your updates

This man is walking all over you

Ive no other words

MyHouseIsABusStop · 13/11/2024 17:59

@TarantinoIsAMisogynist totally agree that £200 is too little, but the children are hers alone, and she still receives CM for one of them so he should not be subsiding her.

He also shouldn't be expected to spend his time doing jobs that will increase the value of an asset that she owns outright. He has asked to be added to the mortgage, suggested protecting her equity and she has refused, rightly so imo. But she can't have it all ways. She either wants a life partner, who she shares the house and all associated expense with, or she wants a lodger who just contributes what a lodger would.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 13/11/2024 18:00

MyHouseIsABusStop · 13/11/2024 17:59

@TarantinoIsAMisogynist totally agree that £200 is too little, but the children are hers alone, and she still receives CM for one of them so he should not be subsiding her.

He also shouldn't be expected to spend his time doing jobs that will increase the value of an asset that she owns outright. He has asked to be added to the mortgage, suggested protecting her equity and she has refused, rightly so imo. But she can't have it all ways. She either wants a life partner, who she shares the house and all associated expense with, or she wants a lodger who just contributes what a lodger would.

The best option is neither of those, and to just get shot of this man. He drinks, gambles, takes drugs... there are no positive outcomes from involvement with a man like that.

MyHouseIsABusStop · 13/11/2024 18:01

@TarantinoIsAMisogynist well yes, that is another option. But given her atrocious decision making so far, it's likely not an option she will take.

deeahgwitch · 13/11/2024 18:02

olderbutwiser · 13/11/2024 11:18

He's a selfish freeloader. I'm sure he has some positive qualities, but a partner is someone you're supposed to be in partnership with and I can't see any partnership happening here.

This

deeahgwitch · 13/11/2024 18:03

ComtesseDeSpair · 13/11/2024 11:19

You’ve been accepting it for six years. Either you stop accepting it and end the relationship, or you continue accepting it. Nothing’s going to change otherwise.

And this.

pinkyredrose · 13/11/2024 18:10

Can't believe your older daughter moved out because of him and you didn't ask him to move out!

Where was he living before you asked him to move in? How old is he?

pinkyredrose · 13/11/2024 18:12

Your poor children having this feckless idiot moved into thier safe space so soon after you splitting with thier dad.

And you still want to be with him? You're a fool to yourself. I feel sorry for the children.

EverybodyLTB · 13/11/2024 18:20

OP I’ll say this as kindly as I can - you need serious help to understand why you even started up with this man, let alone moved him straight in with your innocent children. The fact that you seem to genuinely believe that none of this has any kind of effect on them is quite astonishing. You need to do the freedom programme and seek therapy ASAP.

Side note, has anyone seen on Instagram a certain ‘mum-fluencer’ has had a baby with some rando from Hinge straight after her breakup (and still married!) and her poor kids have had to just lump it? All the comments are fawning about how wonderful it all is. All I see is risk, and potential long term damage to the children involved.

cherrysonata · 13/11/2024 18:22

For goodness sake. I have no words.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 13/11/2024 18:44

OP you sound so sad and worn down. But you really need to listen to the advice you're being given on here.

Do NOT put this man on your mortgage.
Do NOT sell your home to give ££ to your children. Where would you live? Your home is your sanctuary. Don't ever let it go! If you really want to give your children ££ just borrow more when you remortgage. But to be honest I don't know why you're hell bent on giving your children ££. There aren't many parents who can afford to do that these days.
Do NOT go into a mortgage with this man.

DO kick this man out... he's abused your kind nature for long enough. It's time to look after yourself.

InSpainTheRain · 13/11/2024 18:55

I think it's quite simple: are you happy to always be the provider? Are you ok to have no financial security? Do you mind that you can't trust him to keep 2p to his name?

If the answer is that none of that worries you then keep him. If you do want financial security then get rid because honestly, you'll never change him.

Hualalai · 13/11/2024 19:07

Wow, that's quite the read. It all sounds awful.

Bananalanacake · 13/11/2024 19:08

Another one who says have a relationship without living together.

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