Male relationship advice

[TC123456]

Hi,

Hope I am not like an outsider intruding into this space but I am seeking some advice on my current relationship and I don’t want an echo chamber or confirmation bias. So as a male I have joined here to seek feedback.

So I have been dating a woman I met off a dating app for four months now. She is 33 and has a child, I am 36 divorced no kids. I want kids and she is unsure on more.

I have a good job with a reasonable income, I'm not rich but I'm comfortable. She works for herself. I don’t know her income but I she has recently confided in me to say it’s not great.

We have had an argument because I have raised that I have started to feel a bit used because every date we go on, every day trip out, even when taking her young child, I pay for everything. I certainly don’t mind paying for most things given I am in a stronger financial position and I’m the guy, but I have really started to feel like it is just expected of me. I raised how I feel and that is when she confided to say her finances aren’t great and I am the man so I shouldn't have an issue with being the provider, if I don't want to there are plenty of men that will. She said a nice date once a month or so, a holiday once a year, is all she is asking, not asking for a high end lifestyle. I am due to move into a new house soon and we have talked about living together, I would be comfortable with covering all house bills and maybe splitting the food shop, does that seem reasonable? She doesn’t sleep well with me in the same bed so we’ve agreed she would have her own bedroom, this isn’t a major issue for me but it is adding to my anxiety that there is an element of transactional benefit in this relationship, I guess there is in any relationship though!

Am I just over reacting here or is this a red flag? I really like her, we get on well and she is extremely good looking, so admittedly she isn't wrong that I am sure there is a que of guys that would pay for everything and not complain.

Advice, thoughts, opinions greatly appreciated.

Thank you

You should not be involved at all with her child at this stage.

Sounds like she's using you. I wouldn't let her move in!

Clear her out and move on.

Dating is very different from moving in together, plus there is a child to consider. I would advise against your gf moving in, if you are already uncomfortable about the sharing of expenses.

Plenty of men might not mind paying for a dinner date here and there, but not all will be interested in providing everything for her and her child in the long run.

Four months definitely too soon to be moving her in. Give it a little longer, don’t get too close to the child and keep things casual.
see how she reacts, see if she wants makes the effort to want to see you and shows you affection when not “expected”, then that’s good. If she’s just responding to your affection then that’s a red flag for me.

best advice go very slowly until you are sure she loves you and wants to be with you for you, and not as a financial support system.

Yep, she's using you and the fact that she's let you meet her child already is a huge red flag.

Ditch her and find someone where you can have a more equal relationship.

You've been going out for 16 weeks. Moving in together? Don't be daft. You know each other hardly at all.

I agree that 4 moths is super soon to meet someone’s child, I waited a year for my partner to meet mine but each to their own

I also think it’s way too early to talk about moving in together, it’s fine to have conversations about future plans and I think it’s actually necessary to discuss those things, but not in terms of “when am I moving in?”

Regarding dates, effort doesn’t always mean spending money. She could make you a nice meal, arrange a walk somewhere scenic, there’s lots of options that don’t involve spending a fortune so she could definitely make an effort there

My advice would be to tread carefully and don’t let your guard down just yet. 4 months is still the fun getting to know each other phase, so try and make sure that’s exactly what it is

good luck!

Throw this one back. Separate bedrooms and your basically paying for everything. Its like a variation on "we agreed to use my income for expenditure and use her's for savings" I m sure you can work out what happens when the relationship ends. And of course she has downplayed her income to start off with. Solid no.

You should not have even met her child, and you both sound completely mad, given that you've been dating for four months, to be even contemplating moving in together. A woman with a young child who would consider moving in a man she barely knows has incredibly poor judgement, to put it charitably. And the same for a man who gets involved in a small child's life this soon.

And as you are already having significant disagreements four months in, surely that's a fairly clear signal that this is not a relationship that has any legs.

And no, good relationships aren't 'transactional'. This is not the 1830s where MC women either lived at home at spinster dependents or married the best offer their looks/dowry bought them.

It's appalling that she's bringing her kid on dates with a complete stranger. Why did you not decline this? It's 100% not in the child's best interests.

You've known each other for a matter of hours. There should be no need for arguing, planning to house her, or making the kid get involved in your dates.

If you were to post with the sexed reversed you’d become that you’ve found yourself a freeloading cocklodger and to get rid immediately.

She sounds like she’s after a meal ticket not a partner. Let her find one of these men who are happy to bankroll her scrounging - don’t be a mug OP. She’s only interested in your wallet.

And agree with PP bringing her young child on dates with someone she’s only known a few weeks is poor judgement from her and expecting you to pay for her child as well - no mate she’s a freeloader.

More red flags than a Communist party conference, I'd say. 4 months is far too soon to be moving in and, worse, starting to financially support someone and their child.

If there are 'plenty of other men' who she believes would be that stupid let her go and find one.

Ask yourself what your ideal relationship would look like, and then look at what you have now and see how well it fits the ideal.
I think the wanting children could be a big one, if she keeps delaying and time slips away you could end up resenting her. Also if her income declined further and she makes no effort to contribute, again I can see resentment building.
Is 'provider' the role you want? That's a lot of pressure on you. What will she bring to the relationship that is of equal value?
Personally I think most modern relationships are more equal, both parties contribute proportionally according the their income and there's agreement about what happens if someone can't pay for a while.
It does sound like you are her meal ticket, but only you can know. And if you don't know then you don't know her well enough and should definitely not be moving in together.

Move on
🚩
Even if she doesn’t have a lot of money there’s things you could do together, picnic, cook you a meal, walks .
Expecting you to pay ….. 🚩
Sleeping arrangements 🚩

I think she’s using you as a meal ticket and you’d be 😜 to move in together!
Run far and fast

Really appreciate the advice. Her relationship with her child is probably not very traditional. For example we went to a bonfire last night with some of her friends and their children and we ended up going back to her friends house drinking until 4am with her 6 year old with us, he fell asleep on the sofa in the lounge while we were dancing in the kitchen. So he knows me as a friend really. He is a really sweet kid and I do get along with him. He is very independent and talkative and he is given lots of freedom but is still well behaved and polite. As a childless man I would never question someone’s parenting style, though I must admit, I do want children of my own and I would probably not be comfortable with letting my child stay up that late. Having said that she is a good mom, so please don’t be judgemental.

She sounds selfish and irresponsible. When you have children, they have to come first and staying out drinking until 4am with her 6 year old in her custody is completely unacceptable. That poor kid had to sleep on someone’s unfamiliar sofa during a drunken adult party rather than in his own bed with his teddies and calm, quiet and safe surroundings where he should have been.

That alone would be a 100% dealbreaker for me if I saw someone unable to prioritise their children over their own desire to go out partying with their boyfriend. Babysitters exist for a reason.

Secondly, she’s basically threatened that if you don’t carry on paying for her she’s got men lined up to take your place? She doesn’t want you for you, she’s using you for money and wants to get her feet as firmly under the table as she can for that reason.

Please don’t be blinded by how good looking she is and allow her to take you for a fool. You know deep down you couldn’t have children with this woman given how she treats her poor son so just get out. There are good looking women in the world who are honest and genuine people out there too!

Oh come on now 🤦‍♀️

A good mother doesn’t introduce her new bloke to a small child after a few dates, or drag him along to a party whilst she drinks until 4am.

I really hope you are responsible for your own contraception.

I might have made this sound worse than it is. It was one of her best friends who also has children of a similar age, so he has been there plenty of times before and he played with the other children while we adults were in the other room. Nobody was getting overly drunk, I was sober as driving for one. But like I say if it was my child so I had more of a say in matters I wouldn’t be overly comfortable with keeping children of that age awake so late.

She’s not a good mother. She’s selfish and irresponsible and she’s looking for a meal ticket.

Come on OP take off the rose coloured specs, they’re stopping you seeing more red flags than a Moscow May Day parade

I was in a relationship for nearly 2 and a h years where I paid got 99 percent of things as I earned more. At first I didn't mind, but it soon started to make me feel resentful. It sounds like she is using u. It is not your responsibility as the man to.provide.

She's using you for cash. If you're happy with that, move in with her.

We also do go on walking dates, and she has cooked for me on a couple of occasions. When we go on dates it is sometimes a nice restaurant sometimes a more low key pub. So I do believe her when she says she is not expecting a high class lifestyle. She drives a very modest car which she says she is perfectly happy with. And she isn’t in any debt and clearly pays her own bills at the moment, even as a single mom. So I want to be fair to her here that I don’t think she is only after me for a meal ticket, but clearly does want a guy that will make her life more comfortable, which isn’t unreasonable.

if I don't want to there are plenty of men that will

No, there aren't.

Also you wanting kids and her not being sure shd wants more is a problem.

But anyway, you can get a single woman with no kids, and you have only your own kids to pay for, don't know why you're selling yourself short with her. Especially given she's a bot of an entitled user.

I'd be ending the relationship, not moving on with her.