Male relationship advice

[TC123456]

Hi,

Hope I am not like an outsider intruding into this space but I am seeking some advice on my current relationship and I don’t want an echo chamber or confirmation bias. So as a male I have joined here to seek feedback.

So I have been dating a woman I met off a dating app for four months now. She is 33 and has a child, I am 36 divorced no kids. I want kids and she is unsure on more.

I have a good job with a reasonable income, I'm not rich but I'm comfortable. She works for herself. I don’t know her income but I she has recently confided in me to say it’s not great.

We have had an argument because I have raised that I have started to feel a bit used because every date we go on, every day trip out, even when taking her young child, I pay for everything. I certainly don’t mind paying for most things given I am in a stronger financial position and I’m the guy, but I have really started to feel like it is just expected of me. I raised how I feel and that is when she confided to say her finances aren’t great and I am the man so I shouldn't have an issue with being the provider, if I don't want to there are plenty of men that will. She said a nice date once a month or so, a holiday once a year, is all she is asking, not asking for a high end lifestyle. I am due to move into a new house soon and we have talked about living together, I would be comfortable with covering all house bills and maybe splitting the food shop, does that seem reasonable? She doesn’t sleep well with me in the same bed so we’ve agreed she would have her own bedroom, this isn’t a major issue for me but it is adding to my anxiety that there is an element of transactional benefit in this relationship, I guess there is in any relationship though!

Am I just over reacting here or is this a red flag? I really like her, we get on well and she is extremely good looking, so admittedly she isn't wrong that I am sure there is a que of guys that would pay for everything and not complain.

Advice, thoughts, opinions greatly appreciated.

Thank you

Tbf though it's only a few month in. Fair enough if they were married but not when they're just dating (well, apart from on occasion perhaps).

Run. She is definitely using you. There is nonsich thing ad “the guy always pays”. No woman who respects herself would accept something like that. And please, her financial issues is not your problem. Why do you want to make it yours? She is looking for someone to take her on.

Whilst being attracted to your partner is of course very important, and no one would suggest a relationship where you don't fancy your partner is healthy, why don't you focus on other qualities besides looks in future, OP? That way you won't be blindsided by them.

6 of one and half a dozen of another here, I think. You're by your own admission stringing her along to get her into bed, by not airing concerns and just going along with it, for sex. For now. Because it sounds as if pretty shortly you're going to be out of her and her sons life. I imagine she's used to this behaviour, and probably why she wants a bit more from a man now.

I'm not saying she's acting right, but neither are you from your latest post. If I read the most recent post you made, from my other half, it'd be an instant dump. I feel a bit of the true colours started to show, there.

Maybe you're actually ideal for each other?

She's of course right to want marriage before children. If it's not too early to talk about wanting kids, it's not too early for her to state she'd want to be married, first. Quite reasonable really, reduces the risk (somewhat) of being a single mother of two...

Let her go and find someone who values a bit more about her than shagging her 'cos she's so fit'. Eurgh, honestly gross. You're a bit old to be talking like that to be perfectly honest.

There are plenty of men that will.
Wow, that's tantamount to bribery. Is she a Slovenian supermodel?
Just let her go before this all ends in tears later.

Why do you use the term "Mom" if you are both British🤔

Some areas of the UK use mom instead of mum. I'm a Midlander and it's Mom in the area I come from ... or Mutha

We are from Midlands so it’s mom around here!

Her child is a really cool kid and I enjoyed the days out with him. But I think if anything the days out reinforced that I want my own children and need to be with someone that also wants children one day.

I did not intend to use this woman for sex, I joined a dating app seeking a relationship. But I got hooked on her and it’s meant I’ve kept pursuing something I perhaps should have ended sooner. I feel guilty about how she will feel and I don’t want to reinforce the need to get things from men before they leave.

Any human relationship isn’t wasted though, I’ve learned more about myself and what I want and I have really enjoyed spending time with her, not even just the sex she is good company. But I think even if I could make peace with the financial expectations the wanting my own family thing ultimately means I need to end this and seek someone aligned to what I want my future life to look like.

Really appreciate everyone’s advice.

I agree, all experiences are worthwhile.

The fact she's introduced your child to you after 16 weeks is a huuge red flag! She's expecting you to pay for her child on days out and is already pushing for more financial support. She is manipulating you by telling you that she is on a low income (whilst being careful not to divulge exactly how much). She is a skint single mum who sees you as a meal ticket for her and her child. Throw this one back.

You haven't been using her for sex, you've been trying to have a reasonable relationship with her. That you don't share the same life goals or at the same life stage is normal when dating. You will find a good un eventually.

It's 4 months in and she has already threatened you with moving onto other men if you don't comply. You owe her absolutely nothing but giving her the freedom she needs to find the right man for her because you are not him. She is not the right woman for you.

You gave the relationship a go, that's all anyone can ask. If I could offer you a piece of advice is that to take it slower next time and find out more about each other before considering moving in together.

I'm from the Midlands and I (correctly) say and write 'Mum'. So that part is categorically untrue.

Why is someone speaking about their experience catagorically untrue. The area I am from use Mom written and spoken, the OP confirms that for his personal experience and area he is from.

Just because we are from a large diverse area that has many different subtlties in speach doesn't make anyone a liar. All it means that it is not your personal experience of the area you are from.

Just a side note op, you're 36 and now thinking 'hey, I want kids'. And partly because...you got to play with her kid for an hour here or there. You know it's not all fun and games right?

Heads up too, male sperm decreases substantially with age and, is responsible for more birth defects and illnesses in children than eggs from older women.

Realistically, if you met the right woman tomorrow (highly unlikely) it would still several years or so of knowing her before you should even be discussing children with her.

So you know, maybe get cracking mate.

I was married and trying for children when my wife told me she couldn’t do our relationship and so we amicably split up. I’ve been single for two years as I didn’t want to rush into a new relationship, I wasn’t in the right head space. So I haven’t just decided I want children on a whim. I’m aware I’m getting older and I’m very conscious of the decline in sperm heath and increased odds of various health implications for the child. It might not happen for me and if not then that is ok, reproducing shouldn’t be the be all and end all in life. But please don’t just say get cracking to someone that is older and states they want children when you don’t know their personal circumstances and what they’ve been through. People regularly say this and it triggers me, I can’t choose to just pop a baby out on my own can I! I might date two, three, four women and those relationships not go the distance for whatever reason, but what I won’t do is have a child with the wrong person just to tick the life goal box of having a child. I don’t need to ‘leave a legacy’ or ‘have a child to look after me when I’m old’ both are bullshit selfish reasons to have a child. I want a child to experience the joy of raising one, and I’m aware it’s not all joy. But like I say if that doesn’t happen then there are plenty of other things that bring me joy in life and it just wasn’t meant to be.

You haven't been using her for sex, you've been trying to have a reasonable relationship with her.

You clearly missed the part where he says if he's honest he doesn't ever want to go to work to earn money to pay for another man's child (!)

Depending on when he decided that, he's not been trying to have a reasonable relationship with her, because he knew it would end. He knew he wasn't in it for anything long-term. And the discussions about moving in together (which was too early anyway) were disengenuous.
He just keeps seeing her and shagging her because she's super hot to him.

No OP you definitely shouldnt rush into procreating with someone too soon just because you’re mid 30’s - that’s appalling advice.

But definitely this isn’t the one for you. Take your time and date a few writers without this desperate rush to live in after a few months - too much haste is a recipe for disaster as you’re already finding out.

36 for a guy is still plenty young. Come on now let’s not scare him about his biological clock, it really isnt that dire. I’ve known a number of men becoming fathers in their mid 50s and the children are fine. Never mind the likes of Robert De Niro etc. The most important thing is the guy finds the right woman to settle with, not any woman because of kids.

If I was to have a relationship with a woman that already had a child then of course I would spend money on the child. Like I said I enjoyed spending time with him. I just feel like I shouldn’t be the first port of call to spend money when his mom was there. I appreciate she is struggling financially and perhaps felt embarrassed to admit that. But I was never asked is it ok for me to pay and that I think has led to my resentment.

Sleeping in separate beds after 4 months dating is a really bad sign that she’s not very in to you I’d say unfortunately so I get the sense you’re being used a bit.

It also sounds like you have different values around finances in the relationship - I think she is right that lots of men wouldn’t have a problem paying for everything because it makes them feel good. But you don’t feel that way and there are also plenty of women who want to pay their own way. That’s a compatibility thing IMO.

That’s a very healthy way of thinking.

You sound like a nice and thoughtful person and I hope that you are able to find a woman who will fit well into your life and appreciate you.

With all due respect (and this sounds meaner than I mean it), it's a bit pathetic how much you are banging on about her being so fit and beautiful etc. This idolisation of female beauty is a societal problem and your post shows how bad it is for men as well.

It does sound like she knows she is conventionally hot and perhaps as if she is using you (though of course this is difficult for any of us to tell). Either way, it sounds like in your heart you know things aren't right.

It is also way too early to move in together. Perhaps you could back off a bit and take things more casually for a while - though if you are looking for a life partner, it may be best to cut ties now so that you are fully free to pursue other options.

Well I think everyone brings something to the table. She's bringing her looks and is expecting you to bring your money. You're not happy with that transaction, completely understandable. Doesn't make her a bad person either.

It is clear that you need a more balanced relationship with someone who has similar life goals. Awful to get on the dating apps again, but it's a way. You need to get back out there. You sound like the sort of person lots would love to build a life with. Good luck

I didn't miss that part, the DC is her responsibility to parent and pay for not his unless he adopts.

New relationships involve a lot of sex, nothing odd about that.

I think if money is a problem this early on the. You need to seriously think if you are the right fit for each other . I let my now DP pay in the first date but after that insisted everything was split I was earning very little then he only now knows how little money I had back then and ok I didn't have a dependent . I personally would never expect a man to take me and my child on and pay all the bills , don't not think that's going to cause friction down the line ? 4 months is also very early to be A) meeting her child but also B) ever consider moving in together, what's the rush ?

the DC is her responsibility to parent and pay for not his unless he adopts

That simply doesn't happen in blended families/step parent situations. Both people end up paying towards the kids.

And the op days he's not ok with earning money to pay for another man's child.
He didn't say just now/early on; he said even in a future theoretical cohabiting scenario.

So he's wasting her time as well as his own.

And he's letting his sexual attraction to her dictate his actions, instead of being straight/honest and telling her he doesn't want you ever provide for another man's child, so they'll never cohabit.

What's the point of entertaining talk about moving in together when that's his stance? It's misleading.