Male relationship advice

[TC123456]

Hi,

Hope I am not like an outsider intruding into this space but I am seeking some advice on my current relationship and I don’t want an echo chamber or confirmation bias. So as a male I have joined here to seek feedback.

So I have been dating a woman I met off a dating app for four months now. She is 33 and has a child, I am 36 divorced no kids. I want kids and she is unsure on more.

I have a good job with a reasonable income, I'm not rich but I'm comfortable. She works for herself. I don’t know her income but I she has recently confided in me to say it’s not great.

We have had an argument because I have raised that I have started to feel a bit used because every date we go on, every day trip out, even when taking her young child, I pay for everything. I certainly don’t mind paying for most things given I am in a stronger financial position and I’m the guy, but I have really started to feel like it is just expected of me. I raised how I feel and that is when she confided to say her finances aren’t great and I am the man so I shouldn't have an issue with being the provider, if I don't want to there are plenty of men that will. She said a nice date once a month or so, a holiday once a year, is all she is asking, not asking for a high end lifestyle. I am due to move into a new house soon and we have talked about living together, I would be comfortable with covering all house bills and maybe splitting the food shop, does that seem reasonable? She doesn’t sleep well with me in the same bed so we’ve agreed she would have her own bedroom, this isn’t a major issue for me but it is adding to my anxiety that there is an element of transactional benefit in this relationship, I guess there is in any relationship though!

Am I just over reacting here or is this a red flag? I really like her, we get on well and she is extremely good looking, so admittedly she isn't wrong that I am sure there is a que of guys that would pay for everything and not complain.

Advice, thoughts, opinions greatly appreciated.

Thank you

I raised how I feel and that is when she confided to say her finances aren’t great and I am the man so I shouldn't have an issue with being the provider, if I don't want to there are plenty of men that will.

You honestly don’t see her saying this as unreasonable and grabby? Seriously?

You’ve known this woman for a few weeks. She’s not a SAHM looking after the kids while you’re at work. It’s not the 1950’s - dating shouldn’t involve her sitting on her hands while you pick up every tab. Has she ever got her card out and offered to buy you a drink?

You are a childless, earning, stable, financially secure and apparently nice man.

You can do better.

There are a lot of women in their 30s looking to settle down. Women with decent jobs and no kids (and who wouldn't stay up drinking until 4am at a house party and leave their kid to fall asleep on a sofa. Most parents I know either get a baby sitter or keep it child friendly, with a reasonable bedtime).

You've been dating a relatively short time and you've encountered quite a few off-putting/questionable attitudes and behaviours

To reiterate, you can do better.

(Even the arrogance/scumminess/entitlement of saying "if you don't pay for dates and holidays, plenty of other men will" ..... That does not strike me as a nice woman.
It's pretty entitled, transactional, hard nosed, and manipulative.

Most men would respond "well I guess you better go and find them then luv". The fact that you didn't, tells me you're a bit too nice).

The replies seem pretty consistent, and yet you keep making rebuttals - so I kind of feel you have already made your decision on this? She must indeed be very attractive!

Seems to me she has laid out her terms of a relationship: own bedrooms, limited financial responsibility, non-commital on the further kids question. Up to you if that is a relationship that you also want and can accept. If yes, happy days. If not, time to move on

She must indeed be very attractive!

Yeah, don't let your dick lead you, op.

You can find an attractive women without all this, you just need to keep looking, it's a numbers game. And you only need one.

Also some men gravitate towards entitled, dominant, arrogant women. They seem to fall for the "well she thinks she's high value so she must be thing. Not really

You'll just get walked over and manipulated, your whole life. It's a bad idea.

I'm also guessing she's from a "traditional" culture in which men pay for stuff and relationships are quite transactional.

It doesn't have to be that way.

Why ask if literally everyone is telling you what to do and you’re just defending her/the relationship.

If you’re not going to leave, don’t waste everyone’s time!

You’re 36, solvent, and want kids. You will also not be short of potential (equal) partners.

Just as she is apparently trading on being “very good looking” to secure a man who will pay her way, you will have to decide if having a partner where there is love and respect both ways is more important than having one who looks great on your arm.

I do really appreciate all the advice.

I have responded with a couple of rebuttals in her defence because I genuinely think she is a good person. I have really enjoyed getting to know her and like everyone she has some past trauma that has shaped her personality and outlook. And yes she is absolutely stunning, I mean I literally can’t keep my eyes off her and we kiss like a couple of excited teenagers, which is a good thing right to fancy the woman you’re with like crazy, but I also totally recognise this can cloud rational judgement!

The having kids thing is huge for me, I’m 37 and want a family so I don’t want to waste time and be resentful. She has said it’s not a flat no but that she isn’t overly keen, she said maybe if she felt safe and secure in the relationship, including being married first, then she would want another child. Which I do respect, she has had a child and split up, nobody wants to be a single mom with two kids by two different dads right. But obviously at four months in talk of marriage is a bit premature, and as a divorced man I’m not overly keen to be sprinting towards the alter!

I think your honest and genuine feedback here has confirmed what I deep down already knew. There are too many red flags and if I want to find someone and have a family of my own I cannot let her attractiveness mean I ignore the signs. It is just so frustrating because like I say she is gorgeous, not a bad human being at all and I cannot even begin to describe my dread at giving up and being single and joining those god awful dating apps again!!

Thank you all regardless.

She is using you, unless you're buying into the trad wife dynamic. Further down the line she'll be expecting not to work and for you to pay for everything.

I really like her, we get on well and she is extremely good looking, so admittedly she isn't wrong that I am sure there is a que of guys that would pay for everything and not complain.

It doesn't matter! It's 2024. Life doesn't work on the 'I am hot so you need to pay to breathe the same air as me' principle - unless it's a transaction, of a different kind. No self-respecting guy should pay for everything and not complain.

I'm extremely good-looking, would I expect a guy to pay my bills because of that? Absolutely never. Granted, I may be cheeky with accepting a favour too many or not saying no if they want to pay for something nice and expensive but... What she is proposing is not normal unless you're a gold-digger or it's the lifestyle both parties buy into.

It's much too soon to think of living together or meeting her child.
Talk about it again when you've been going out for a year.

Don't badger her into having another child, and do make sure that your contraception is really good.

she said maybe if she felt safe and secure in the relationship, including being married first, then she would want another child

As well as a claim on everything you own plus child support for the next 18 years.

Sorry OP but she knows exactly what she’s doing. She’s looking for an easy ride in life and someone to bankroll her

.............and we ended up going back to her friends house drinking until 4am with her 6 year old with us, he fell asleep on the sofa in the lounge while we were dancing in the kitchen

And you think she's a good mother.
Words fail me.

You're letting her looks, and her ability in bed to cloud your judgement.

Wow this is a really low key sugar daddy / sugar not so baby relationship.

You want children, she doesn't and has practically told you except for a flat out no so she can string you along until you shut up about it and it is too late.

She has told you her transactional requirements of nights out and holiday that you pay for.

She doesn't want to share a bed with you even when you pay for pretty much everything and let her move into your house.

---

Firstly don't ever let someone deny you children if you want them, it will break your heart and ruin the relationship.

Secondly while you earn more, it's really unpleasantly forward of her to expect what you pay for her and her child all the time. You are not as OK with this as you like to present, it's already caused an argument in a few months. This will breed resentment.

Thirdly sex may be hot right now but once she moves in a bedtome comes around she'll be off sleeping by herself and you can look to your hand for affection.

Your partner has told you who she is, she has shown you who she is in just a handful of months. If you continue in this relationship, it will get worse because if this is the best she can offer, it really isn't going to be a happy place for you.

It doesn't matter how much you fancy her, sex doesn't cover the gaping holes in her expectations of you and your money. From what she has told you you will need to never lose a job or take a step down because she will bugger off the moment you do.

What are the chances that her poorly paid job gets ditched the moment she moves in with you?

It's all about cash for her and finding a mug who will fund her lifestyle choices.

Blimey mate, you are cunt-struck aren’t you. This one is a user: she’s feeding you a line and using you. She’s also clearly not a good mother whatever you say. If you are smart you will let this go off to one of the other hoards of men she apparently has queuing up for her, while breathing a sigh of relief at escaping this sure-fire shit-show. There are decent women out there, just saying..

You want kids, she doesn't. So you've answered this one yourself in your first few sentences. This is going nowhere really is it? Apart from disappointment for you. The way you've written the rest of it makes it sound like she's effectively prostituting herself - you spend money on her, she tolerates your company.

There's something odd here. OP presents the situation then proceeds to defend her on all his posts. People have told you OP what the likely outcome is. Proceed at your peril.

I honestly think she may just be being honest and saying what some women wouldn’t but I think if two people are on differing pages on kids it’s a HUGE thing. Also if you’re paranoid at all about the bed thing after this long I don’t know it will work. And four months is too soon to meet her child too. I’m so sorry, it does seem the odds are stacked against you but it’s whether you can work them
out together

She said a nice date once a month or so, a holiday once a year, is all she is asking,

OMG!! The nerve!! shes a realCF
Don’t be a doormat, know your worth and get rid of this one

Run! Your being used x

I think you should move on. She is possibly using you and although I'm sure she has trauma and is a nice person, she doesn't sound like a responsible mum or person in general. It's perfectly possible to like her but not want to build a life with her. I'd run a mile tbh 🚩

She’s totally taking the piss. Dump her .

Sounds like fun but you really need to know someone a couple of years before making commitments. Everything is fun at the 4 month stage - except maybe the bit about you being expected to pay to have a good looking woman to be with you.
Having a child already is massive. You already have one failed marriage behind you. She’s not keen on more children and that’s what you want. Depends on what value you put on her looks I suppose. I’m not a man so I don’t get it!
Are you in the US? I think attitudes are a bit more conservative there. Most of us replying are British and find it cringeworthy that women expect to be paid for.

Parasite/host.

Out of curiosity is she British?