Male relationship advice

[TC123456]

Hi,

Hope I am not like an outsider intruding into this space but I am seeking some advice on my current relationship and I don’t want an echo chamber or confirmation bias. So as a male I have joined here to seek feedback.

So I have been dating a woman I met off a dating app for four months now. She is 33 and has a child, I am 36 divorced no kids. I want kids and she is unsure on more.

I have a good job with a reasonable income, I'm not rich but I'm comfortable. She works for herself. I don’t know her income but I she has recently confided in me to say it’s not great.

We have had an argument because I have raised that I have started to feel a bit used because every date we go on, every day trip out, even when taking her young child, I pay for everything. I certainly don’t mind paying for most things given I am in a stronger financial position and I’m the guy, but I have really started to feel like it is just expected of me. I raised how I feel and that is when she confided to say her finances aren’t great and I am the man so I shouldn't have an issue with being the provider, if I don't want to there are plenty of men that will. She said a nice date once a month or so, a holiday once a year, is all she is asking, not asking for a high end lifestyle. I am due to move into a new house soon and we have talked about living together, I would be comfortable with covering all house bills and maybe splitting the food shop, does that seem reasonable? She doesn’t sleep well with me in the same bed so we’ve agreed she would have her own bedroom, this isn’t a major issue for me but it is adding to my anxiety that there is an element of transactional benefit in this relationship, I guess there is in any relationship though!

Am I just over reacting here or is this a red flag? I really like her, we get on well and she is extremely good looking, so admittedly she isn't wrong that I am sure there is a que of guys that would pay for everything and not complain.

Advice, thoughts, opinions greatly appreciated.

Thank you

THIS!

''I’m letting myself be led by letting things slide so that I can end up in bed with her.''

Google 'sunk cost fallacy'. You've already invested something in this relationship in the hope of getting something back. That makes you more reluctant to end it even though you are able to list the problems.
You shouldn't be thinking about moving someone into your house after 4 months; let alone someone with a child. One of you has to think of the potential impact on the kid.
Throw this one back and keep looking.

I think if you’re honest with yourself OP, you’ve been flattered by this very attractive woman and it’s blinded you to seeing what’s in front of your eyes.

If you washy drooling over her looks, you’d have spotted the massive red flags a mile off.

Enjoy the fun you’ve had so far but it’s time to cut your losses with this one.

You have been funding all dates - including ones with her DC which should never have happened yet - and it's bugging you. Yet you are considering a future where you buy the house, pay the mortgage, fund the DC and risk not getting the family you want.
In return she doesn't even want to sleep in the same room as you - I predict that your sex life would dwindle rapidly. The thing is, you think she is that stunning and, given that she makes no bones about finding someone easily who will pay her way in life for her, she knows she looks good. But because she is focused on what a man will provide, and less bothered about attraction, there is not the same bond from her side and its transactional - and no, though some relationships are like this, they are not usually happy and not something to aspire to. Your attraction for her is what you provide, more than the physical, so the physical side of a relationship will wane as she gets all she needs off you.
Probably if you were to marry, which I guess would be hinted at strongly in the not too distant future as she is really driving this relationship fast and nail you down.
If you are considered as good looking as her, you can probably take your pic of women too - but would you be as crass as her and say it to her face like she has? That shows a lack of feeling and consideration towards you. If you would consider yourself to not be in the same ballpark looks-wise, as her then it really is about the provision. If you would be happy with a trophy wife, carry on, but know its headed that way.
I'm not surprised she doesn't want another DC, as she is still trying to lead the single, childless life, despite having a 4 year old - even taking him on dates with you, that's bad behaviour.

Fanny lodger

The more times you go on about her looks, gorgeousness, how fit she is. How you can't end it on sight of her loveliness. The more you are living proof that some men can only think with their dicks.
Perhaps end it by text of that's the case, it would not be inappropriate to do it that way after only 4 months.

I raised how I feel and that is when she confided to say her finances aren’t great and I am the man so I shouldn't have an issue with being the provider, if I don't want to there are plenty of men that will.

Wow! I think you need to ask yourself why you are willing to put up with this. It's not even your child that you are 'providing' for. It's not the 1950s, there is absolutely no reason why you should be providing for her.

She sounds like the female equivalent of a cocklodger. She's entitled and full of herself. I would runaway fast!

I get the feeling OP will end it but keep going back for sex/try to keep her as a FWB

I'm afraid that seems highly likely.
Maybe the woman won't accept that, though.

Should have added that i dont think he will keep her in the loop. You only have to read the dating threads on here complaining about men keeping their options open.

Nothing wrong with FWB as long as BOTH people are on the same page

Well to honest, she may just as well be standing on in street corner.

OP is paying for dates because he wants to have sex with her.

This is not recipe for a loving relationship. She's using him for money, and he's using her for sex.

Well, depending on what point he decided he doesn't ever want to work to pay anything towards her child in a shared household (so essentially their relationship can't go anywhere) .... I can't say I really blame her for her attitude.
At least she can think she saved money, had some nice treats etc. rather than just being someone's sex buddy for four months, with no chance of more cause they don't want her son.

(Her son that he was happy to be introduced to and spend time with. She shouldn't have introduced him (though it sounds like she struggles for childcare), but the op shouldn't have agreed to meet him either.

I'm guessing that would have lessened the shagging opportunities though ....
So, priorities!)

YY @DamselinDistress24 its what a woman would have been told if the genders were reversed and she had posted on the step parents board. people would be on her case with "well you knew he had a child"

OP to give you some context

I'm a single mum and have been seeing someone for just over 2 years. He has no dc.

He met my Dc around 11 months and I still would feel it's too soon for us all to live together.

He paid for the 1st two dates and will treat me to a meal for a birthday/anniversary. Other than that we take turns in paying....I'm not as quite as well off financially so sometimes he will take us out for dinner and when it's my turn I'll cook or we'll go somewhere less expensive.
So it's not quite 50/50 in terms of cost but that's because he chooses to book more expensive places when it's his turn to pay.
I make sure to pay 50% of the time but I'll do something I can afford, even if it's cooking a nice meal at mine.

Any time we've been out with my dc I've made a point of paying

The provider? Wtf. She is not your wife, you are just dating her. She has some nerve saying you should provide for her because you are a man. She sounds like a gold digger.
I suggest you don't move in with her. The separate beds things is a preview of coming attractions. She will probably start refusing to have sex unless you buy her things and take her on trips.
The worst thing of all is coercing you with implied threats to dump you for some guy who will be more willing to shell out. That's highly manipulative behaviour and there's going to be more where that came from.
So this is a flaming red flag my friend.

Basically she may consider having a child, if you married her and gave her stability

Isnt this what women are advised to do on here. Marry first,

Well she might also marry him, decide she does not want any more children, and then demand that he provide for her and her child while he foregoes ever having a child of his own, and at that point he will be older and his only exist path would be to divorce her and hand over half of his assets or possibly more.

Yeah she is using you & looking for a "fill in daddy".

I'd gracefully exit this relationship!

She's using you. Exit gracefully.

Don't do it.

It sounds like you want kids and a life partner.

With this woman you will end up with no kids, supporting someone else's child, and living in separate rooms.

You won't get what you want out of this and will be unfulfilled.

Sex won't last. You'll wake up in a few years and realised you've missed out on the partnership and family you want to build, because you've put someone else's demands ahead of your own hopes and dreams.

This really isn't the relationship for you.

In theory I agree with her that covering one date a month and a holiday per year isn't a big ask from a partner. Provided he's earning well.
BUT it sounds like she wants... more. And you know it. The paying for her kid thing...that's not on. It's a piss take, quite frankly.

At 4 months in you shouldn't even have met her kid. It all sounds far too serious. Talk about moving in together soon and covering all household bills too!? She's not your wife. I've had tins of tuna in the cupboard longer than your relationship.

I'm all for men being providers (when it's affordable for them and suits both partners) but it's women like her that ruin it for everyone else by asking for too much.

Ask yourself this, does she suggest expensive restaurants? The answer to that is all you need to know. If a man is going to be paying for me, I never suggest expensive places unless I intend to split. I also make a point of 'treating' him (to lunch or something I know he'd like) from time to time so he knows he is appreciated. Its OK for a man to provide. But don't be taken for granted.

Toss this one back.

So when I met my soon to be hubby, we were the opposite of your relationship.

We met online. I was the more financially stable. He was the one with the child. I was the one who struggled to share a bed (I'd been single for several years, and he snored loudly).

He never once expected me to pay for everything, nor did I expect him to pay. I paid for the first holiday, but all others have been 50/50 split. 4 months in, I hadn't met his child. I met him a few months later. I was reluctant due to the newness of the relationship, but he was insistent that he knew he wanted things to be long-term between us.

When I met his son, I was introduced as a friend. And we spent time together involving his son every couple of weeks or so. Once he was comfortable with me, he was informed I was his dad's girlfriend, and I would probably be around a bit more, including the odd overnight.

We are both outdoors people so most of our dates were spent out walking or cycling with us alternating who paid for the coffees/ice creams. We agreed to have an official date night once every fortnight. The one nearer to pay day paid for by him as that was when he had disposable income without causing any issues and the later one paid for by myself.

We didn't consider moving in together until I was able to sleep in the same bed as him as we are both affectionate cuddly people and didn't see things working if we couldn't find a way to share a bed. I bought noise cancelling earphones as I listen to an audio book while sleeping, and it works well.

We now live together. House bought within a budget that enables us to split all the bills with a child between us, and we are due to be married in 3 months' time.

All big decisions are made together, and they are discussed several times over to ensure we are both happy.

If he had expected me to pay for most dates, etc, I would have run a mile. A relationship requires equal partnership. Not for one to provide for the other. Especially in the early stages. Now, if he was struggling (and there have been times he has done), I would pay the extra to make sure he was comfortable, and there have been times that has been required. But there have also been times when I've needed help, and he's worked overtime to help me. Like I said, partnerships are equal and should be treated as such.

I'd run for the hills, she's a female version of a cock lodger and wants her own room, if you continue this relationship you would be mad, she is a ponce and I think you should look for someone who is more financially stable like yourself.

I do feel sad that you would recent paying towards her child though, they come as a package and he didn't ask to be put in this relationship.