Male relationship advice

[TC123456]

Hi,

Hope I am not like an outsider intruding into this space but I am seeking some advice on my current relationship and I don’t want an echo chamber or confirmation bias. So as a male I have joined here to seek feedback.

So I have been dating a woman I met off a dating app for four months now. She is 33 and has a child, I am 36 divorced no kids. I want kids and she is unsure on more.

I have a good job with a reasonable income, I'm not rich but I'm comfortable. She works for herself. I don’t know her income but I she has recently confided in me to say it’s not great.

We have had an argument because I have raised that I have started to feel a bit used because every date we go on, every day trip out, even when taking her young child, I pay for everything. I certainly don’t mind paying for most things given I am in a stronger financial position and I’m the guy, but I have really started to feel like it is just expected of me. I raised how I feel and that is when she confided to say her finances aren’t great and I am the man so I shouldn't have an issue with being the provider, if I don't want to there are plenty of men that will. She said a nice date once a month or so, a holiday once a year, is all she is asking, not asking for a high end lifestyle. I am due to move into a new house soon and we have talked about living together, I would be comfortable with covering all house bills and maybe splitting the food shop, does that seem reasonable? She doesn’t sleep well with me in the same bed so we’ve agreed she would have her own bedroom, this isn’t a major issue for me but it is adding to my anxiety that there is an element of transactional benefit in this relationship, I guess there is in any relationship though!

Am I just over reacting here or is this a red flag? I really like her, we get on well and she is extremely good looking, so admittedly she isn't wrong that I am sure there is a que of guys that would pay for everything and not complain.

Advice, thoughts, opinions greatly appreciated.

Thank you

Shit parenting.

End it, if you are a decent bloke and you come across as much better than average you don’t need this in your life. I severely judge her introducing you so quickly, no offence but that’s a bad Mum right there.

There are so many decent women in their thirties who would like to settle down.

And yes she is absolutely stunning, I mean I literally can’t keep my eyes off her and we kiss like a couple of excited teenagers, which is a good thing right to fancy the woman you’re with like crazy, but I also totally recognise this can cloud rational judgement!

No offence but start thinking with your big head.

REALLY shit parenting. Poor child.

I genuinely think she is a good person.

Few people are all bad.

We’re both British and whilst I’m not totally opposed to a more traditional relationship, where as the man I provide more financially, the stumbling block is that I have been paying for everything! And now that we’ve done days out with her child that includes paying for him too. It didn’t seem right to me but I’m dating again after a divorce and god knows what societal norms and gender roles are these days! Hence why I came on here to understand if my concerns are founded and it’s safe to say it’s a resounding yes. I’ve been kidding myself because every time I see her I’m reminded how fit she is and can’t bring myself to say anything but I’m letting myself be led by letting things slide so that I can end up in bed with her. But I know this is unhealthy and if I continue I’m going to end up resenting wasting my time and equally her time. I think there are guys out there that will provide for her happily but I just don’t think I can disrespect myself enough to be that guy. If I was a millionaire maybe, but I don’t particularly enjoy having to go to work everyday so crudely to have to go to work every day to earn money to spend on raising another man’s child is just not going to work for me in the long run.

I cannot even begin to describe my dread at giving up and being single and joining those god awful dating apps

Maybe try other methods - language classes, tennis, singles holidays, meet ups, gigs ..... Old should not be the sole string of your dating strategy.

A lot of people meet through mutual friends ... So maybe you need to expand your social scene.

After this short amount of time you're arguing over stuff. It's not a great sign.
The way she says 'all I expect is a holiday once a year' etc. well, why does she expect someone she's known for 4 months to buy her a yearly holiday? I wouldn't expect that of my closest family member who I adore and have known all my life.
Just stop paying so much. See how she reacts? If she really likes you she's pay her share for everything just like a normal decent human being. This isn't the 1940s.
I think you are right to see red flags. Things should be fantastic this early on. Honeymoon period this is not?!

I also think she sounds like she’s using you for your money.

Throw her back and get back into online dating.

...........but I don’t particularly enjoy having to go to work everyday to earn money, to spend on raising another man’s child. It is just not going to work for me in the long run

And there it is.

It's understandable.

But if you did move in with her, and you had your own child with her, you'd still resent the child she already has.

You need to end this @TC123456 because the child is important. And you've been honest on here....... so end it. It's only been four months, after all.

has some past trauma that has shaped her personality and outlook

Most people have some.

If yours bringing it into new relationships, maybe you need to work on yourself before you get into another relationship.

You (op) don't do time for someone roses crime.

She doesn't get to take advantage of all men for all time hugs because one man (kids Dad?) did her wrong.

Rip the plaster off and stop seeing her. As you are so tempted to let things slide for sex, tell her without being in the same room as her and don't meet up again.

Then block and don't get drawn into a conversation or meeting because she knows you think with your erection when she is around. Just drop her. She won't be single for long rest assured. It's only 4 months in so you're not breaking up the worlds biggest love story.

You can leave a relationship for any reason, you owe her no explanation. No long good byes just "It doesn't work for me, it doesn't make me happy, don't contact me please", delete all numbers and images you have of her. There are plenty of young women who'd love a thoughtful man, you won't be single for long.

I don’t particularly enjoy having to go to work everyday so crudely to have to go to work every day to earn money to spend on raising another man’s child is just not going to work for me in the long run.

Op, it might've been useful to have thought that through before dating her for 4 months and letting her introduce you to her child (?!)

You're just confirming that men use her for sex and that her feeling that she should get as much out of dating as possible.

Or would you be ok with the possibility of contributing to a household with her child in it, if she didn't have this "you pay for all the dates, days out, holidays etc" attitude?

Hi incel/MRA/whack job

🖐

How long before your username is banned, I wonder.

(Oh and he's not looking for POO-SAY , he's looking for a potential serious partner and mother for his kids ...... Missed that, did you?)

OLD isnt a separate community to the rest of the world

Some people aren't on it, or only on intermittently.

Why did you change the "plenty of POO- SAY on old" part of your post????

You need to leave her. No one should ever coerce another person to pay for things for them. And it is coercion because she has clearly told you that if you don't she will find a man who will, a direct attempt to manipulate you through your insecurity about her looks. The fact she would swap you out without a bye your leave for financial benefit from another man tells you all you need to know.

This is the shittiest advice going

Well.do grace us with all your suggestions - given the op dreads going back on old.

Aside from there being "plenty of pussy on old", what are your incredibly original and clever suggestions?

We await this long, mind blowing list ........

All my friends, FWB always pay their way.

She's taking the piss. Have some dignity and move on.

I think a lot of women feel it’s a nice thing if a man pays for a few dates but there’s not an entitlement or an expectation, even if a man is happy paying, it’s absolutely basic good manners for the woman to offer and to make sure she does contribute. For example if a man pays for the meal then buy him a drink afterwards or if he takes you away for the weekend, at least offer to buy dinner if he’s paid for the hotel.

To just say ‘a man should provide’ is absolutely taking the piss

I really do understand it's hard when a great looking woman is into you, but you really have to stop thinking with your dick and GTFO of there. You'll always have the memories of her

Oh well, at least they get you out of your mums to see a bit of the world with some like minded people.

Way too early to start talking about moving in!

I would end it and move on

A lot of red flags here! Basically she may consider having a child, if you married her and gave her stability. She is more than happy for you to pay for everything. She's not willing to put her 6 year old first but would rather take him to a house party. She's introduced you to her son, yet you've only been together 4 months. She's implied she's more than happy to trade you in for a man who's willing to bankroll her. You're discussing living together, after 4 months but she 'doesn't sleep well with you and would require her own room'!! WTF!!! 😳 Run, as fast as you can. She knows how smitten you are with her, and she's using that to her full advantage. You are being used. You sound a decent man and you deserve much better.

EXACTLY You are not stepdad material @TC123456 Which is what you would be told if you were posting on the step parents board.