Male relationship advice

[TC123456]

Hi,

Hope I am not like an outsider intruding into this space but I am seeking some advice on my current relationship and I don’t want an echo chamber or confirmation bias. So as a male I have joined here to seek feedback.

So I have been dating a woman I met off a dating app for four months now. She is 33 and has a child, I am 36 divorced no kids. I want kids and she is unsure on more.

I have a good job with a reasonable income, I'm not rich but I'm comfortable. She works for herself. I don’t know her income but I she has recently confided in me to say it’s not great.

We have had an argument because I have raised that I have started to feel a bit used because every date we go on, every day trip out, even when taking her young child, I pay for everything. I certainly don’t mind paying for most things given I am in a stronger financial position and I’m the guy, but I have really started to feel like it is just expected of me. I raised how I feel and that is when she confided to say her finances aren’t great and I am the man so I shouldn't have an issue with being the provider, if I don't want to there are plenty of men that will. She said a nice date once a month or so, a holiday once a year, is all she is asking, not asking for a high end lifestyle. I am due to move into a new house soon and we have talked about living together, I would be comfortable with covering all house bills and maybe splitting the food shop, does that seem reasonable? She doesn’t sleep well with me in the same bed so we’ve agreed she would have her own bedroom, this isn’t a major issue for me but it is adding to my anxiety that there is an element of transactional benefit in this relationship, I guess there is in any relationship though!

Am I just over reacting here or is this a red flag? I really like her, we get on well and she is extremely good looking, so admittedly she isn't wrong that I am sure there is a que of guys that would pay for everything and not complain.

Advice, thoughts, opinions greatly appreciated.

Thank you

Not at 4 months in they don't, this man is being expected to do that right off the bat.

If this was a viable LTR which is clearly isn't, then he could easily change his mind in the longer term. The fact he is being expected to fund her DC right from the off is just one more nail in the coffin of this relationship the OP is being rightly wary about.

"so crudely to have to go to work every day to earn money to spend on raising another man’s child is just not going to work for me in the long run"

THIS is what I'm referring to.

I very clearly said - he's not referred to now, he's referring to long term.

Of course he shouldn't be paying towards her child now/early on.

But that's not what I'm discussing.

I'm discussing the statement above.

then he could easily change his mind

Someone with his fundamental feelings on the subject, rarely changes their mind

It does sound like you're both taking each other for a ride.

I know what you are referring to. Resenting having to pay for another mans child when you barely know DP and DC is not uncommon.

Changing your mind later on when the relationship is well founded is not uncommon.

Expecting a man to accept DC to pay for as though he or she were his own 4 months into a relationship is appalling.

Changing your mind later on when the relationship is well founded is not uncommon.

I don't agree.

I therefore think that the op is wasting both his own and this woman's time.

She's graspy and entitled and manipulative but tbh I can't even blame her for being the way she is; when men like the op probably keep shagging her (and future faking) cause she's "hot" .... . but underneath actually have no intention of a real relationship that goes anywhere, cause they don't want to pay for another man's child (even in an LTR).

I agree to disagree.

"so crudely to have to go to work every day to earn money to spend on raising another man’s child is just not going to work for me in the long run

If he feels like this, why on earth is he even discussing moving into together in future.

That's future faking.

You need to stop doing this op, just cause you find her hot and want to shag her.

And if he doesnt want to EVER have to pay for another mans child he needs to date childless women. Trouble is if he does that it a. shrinks his dating pool
and b. a lot of women in their thirties will already have children and if they dont he runs the risk of them possibly being child free by choice because the number of women choosing not to have children is increasing.

I started this thread feeling sorry for you, op, and being extremely critical of her.
Your statement above changed that quite a bit for me.

You're putting me in mind of a Millionaire Match maker episode in which a maybe 39/40 yr old finance guy was supposedly looking for a future wife.
Instead he got involved with a younger, good-looking, overtly sexual woman ..... who's a bit kooky (to say the least) who was another contestant on the show.

Of course a lot of these things are set up/staged, but it seems like they actually did start seeing each other.

It was very very obvious that he was letting his dick lead him, and that they weren't particularly compatible, and that she is not conventional wife material, and that it would fizzle out ...which it did after a year or so.

You're doing that too - you say you're looking for a potential wife and mother for your kids, you say you are not ok with providing for another man's child long-term.... But you're choosing and wasting your time with (and wasting the time of) a single mother - who's a bit of a bitch tbh - because you're thinking with your dick

Maybe time to stop.

(You're also wasting her time in terms of her meeting a man who, maybe already has kids himself so they might be a better match - because they'd both have to accommodate/put in effort with each other's kids. Someone else's circumstances and values could be more compatible with her. She'd really need to tone down the graspiness and attitude to keep the majority of men on side, but that's up to her).

If you were my friend, I would say stay clear. Seek someone who is a bit more independent....