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Original poster

Would you stay in a low sex relationship?

132 replies

creader · 09/11/2024 16:20

Been together 2years. Even at the beginning the amount of sex wasn't great. However it's gone from a couple of times a week to every few months at times (sometimes it can be once every 1 or 2 months).

He's very tactile, affectionate and always compliments me, tells me I'm sexy etc but he just has very low sex drive.

Doesn't even seem to enjoy foreplay so even when we do have sex I feel like he's going through the motions.

Everything else in outer relationship is amazing but it's killing my self esteem. I've been more argumentative recently but I feel like I'm beginning to resent him for it

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 09/11/2024 16:21

How old are you both?

sausagesforteaagain · 09/11/2024 16:21

No

OverthinkingOlive · 09/11/2024 16:23

No. I'd feel unattractive

TwistedWonder · 09/11/2024 16:23

Not after only 2 years and without shared children no

Original poster
creader · 09/11/2024 16:23

I'm late 30s he's very early 40s

I'm divorced with dc, he's never been married and was single for a long time before we met

OP posts:
Catseyes88 · 09/11/2024 16:24

I couldn’t be in a sexless / low sex relationship.

most on here will say leave and find someone who appreciates you.

however if you were a man posting the exact same thread most will assume you aren’t helping around the house enough.

Personally, I think the right thing to do is have a proper honest conversation with him and tell him you’re not happy with the infrequency of intimacy. Lots of things can change one’s sex drive, diet, exercise, mental health, medication just to name a few.

it could be as simple as he is bored of the same routine so maybe think of ways of slicing things up?

ElleintheWoods · 09/11/2024 16:26

Sex is clearly important to you and it doesn’t sound like you can do this for years and years.

I stayed and it was a mistake. Eventually you will likely go looking for it elsewhere or fall for someone that pays attention to you beyond the emotional.

DustyLee123 · 09/11/2024 16:27

At your age I wouldn’t stay with him.
My DH started having problems with his performance in his early 50’s, so I’d say it’s not something that’s going to get better.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/11/2024 16:27

Not and I would end the relationship saying this no longer works for you. You need a partner, not a project. Such problems with intimacy are not easily resolved.

Gowlett · 09/11/2024 16:29

Similar situation here. No sex now we’re ten years married.

SquatWeightaMinute · 09/11/2024 16:32

In your circumstances I would leave the relationship, you aren’t matched sexually and that won’t change.

Original poster
creader · 09/11/2024 16:32

@Catseyes88 funny you say that as I've been thinking what advice a man posting this would get. I almost now have more sympathy for men experiencing this. It's not even the lack of physical sex as such, it's the feeling of rejection that comes with it and how that's making me feel.

We don't live together, see each other 2-3 nights a week. Have independent lives, our own finances etc.

I've got dc, work full time, have quite big house in terms of housework etc and do it all myself. He works full time but no other responsibilities outside of that.

I wouldn't say his job is particularly stressful and not very physical but he's (suspected) ND and says the main issue is stress/feeling drained, possible depression. I feel I've been supportive and have encouraged him to seek support/diagnosis or even get blood tests at GP but he won't entertain it.

We've had several in depth conversations but I can tell it makes him uncomfortable. He's seen me upset about it and I've explained how it makes me feel. All he does is reassure me it's not me. He won't do much about it but promises he'll try harder to show me he's attracted to me. It never really changes

OP posts:
Switcher · 09/11/2024 16:34

I went out with someone who was completely impotent for five years in my 20s. Only clearly it was me that was the problem, because the reason we broke up was him getting someone else pregnant.

Original poster
creader · 09/11/2024 16:34

SquatWeightaMinute · 09/11/2024 16:32

In your circumstances I would leave the relationship, you aren’t matched sexually and that won’t change.

I'd agree. Before this relaltionship I wouldn't have described myself as overly sexual or having a high sex drive. It's how it makes me feel that's the issue rather than the actual sex

OP posts:
Original poster
creader · 09/11/2024 16:35

I think it's cos I've never seen myself as a highly sexual person that it seems like an unfair reason to end things

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 09/11/2024 16:37

If it was a dry spell for an obvious reason (small children, medical treatment) and they would talk about it, yes.

If my beloved dp and I reach an age where it's just not going to happen any more, I hope I wil be able to accept it.

However, if I started dating someone and they thought once a week was hot stuff at the START, I'd be gently detaching myself within a few weeks. I am simply not willing to put up with permanent shit sex in a relationship any more. Been there, done that.

SquatWeightaMinute · 09/11/2024 16:37

creader · 09/11/2024 16:35

I think it's cos I've never seen myself as a highly sexual person that it seems like an unfair reason to end things

It’s not even about the sex, when I was in a low sex relationship it ruined my self esteem, I felt resentful and then I started to feel ashamed, like there was something wrong with me for wanting sex so much, for letting it come between us.

I hoped it would get better but it never did.

Original poster
creader · 09/11/2024 16:38

Switcher · 09/11/2024 16:34

I went out with someone who was completely impotent for five years in my 20s. Only clearly it was me that was the problem, because the reason we broke up was him getting someone else pregnant.

So sorry you went through that!! What makes these guys stay in relationships if they're not sexually attracted to the person?

We have no ties, no shared finances.
Would be easy enough to separate. He's a good looking guy so wouldn't have a problem getting someone else if he wasn't attracted to me?!

OP posts:
Catseyes88 · 09/11/2024 16:41

creader · 09/11/2024 16:32

@Catseyes88 funny you say that as I've been thinking what advice a man posting this would get. I almost now have more sympathy for men experiencing this. It's not even the lack of physical sex as such, it's the feeling of rejection that comes with it and how that's making me feel.

We don't live together, see each other 2-3 nights a week. Have independent lives, our own finances etc.

I've got dc, work full time, have quite big house in terms of housework etc and do it all myself. He works full time but no other responsibilities outside of that.

I wouldn't say his job is particularly stressful and not very physical but he's (suspected) ND and says the main issue is stress/feeling drained, possible depression. I feel I've been supportive and have encouraged him to seek support/diagnosis or even get blood tests at GP but he won't entertain it.

We've had several in depth conversations but I can tell it makes him uncomfortable. He's seen me upset about it and I've explained how it makes me feel. All he does is reassure me it's not me. He won't do much about it but promises he'll try harder to show me he's attracted to me. It never really changes

and it's going like clockwork...

On a serious note, a man ( or woman ) who won't help themselves won't help anyone else and are selfish. Someone with depression or ED who doesn't want to get help is never going to get better and realistically will only get worse.

I never understand why a man with ED, or someone who has depression doesn't want to get better. Boggles my mind!

Original poster
creader · 09/11/2024 16:42

PermanentTemporary · 09/11/2024 16:37

If it was a dry spell for an obvious reason (small children, medical treatment) and they would talk about it, yes.

If my beloved dp and I reach an age where it's just not going to happen any more, I hope I wil be able to accept it.

However, if I started dating someone and they thought once a week was hot stuff at the START, I'd be gently detaching myself within a few weeks. I am simply not willing to put up with permanent shit sex in a relationship any more. Been there, done that.

If there was an actual medical reason the he could do nothing about I'd be more likely to accept it. It'd be less likely to make me feel unattractive/rejected.

He knows it upsets me but says "sex isn't that important is it? There's more important things in a relationship". I'm starting to feel his view is quite selfish as it's as if my thoughts/feelings don't count.

Also I don't want him to have more sex because I want to have more sex. I want to feel desired and attractive and to feel that my boyfriend actually wants me in a sexual way

OP posts:
Original poster
creader · 09/11/2024 16:43

@Catseyes88 he thinks he has depression but just needs to "man up" and deal with it himself. He's been trying that since I met him.

I honestly could shake him

OP posts:
Switcher · 09/11/2024 16:45

@creader wasn't quite that simple though. He very much wanted to be with me and loved me. It's just he said he found my body intimidating.l and said this was a common problem for him. I'm a size 10, and at the time was very fit, I guess that's what he meant. Dunno, it's all quite hard to explain. I don't actually enjoy sex, but it was still psychologically hard not being desired.

Catseyes88 · 09/11/2024 16:53

creader · 09/11/2024 16:43

@Catseyes88 he thinks he has depression but just needs to "man up" and deal with it himself. He's been trying that since I met him.

I honestly could shake him

Depression is not about manning up, if it was that simple then there wouldn't be such a problem with it and young adult males.

I'm not an expert but I didn't think it was the depression alone that killed a sex drive and it was the medication that inhibits it?

Original poster
creader · 09/11/2024 17:03

@Catseyes88 I sound like a broken record explaining to him the depression is a medical issue and there's no amount of "manning up" that can cure it. I've constantly reassured him that there's no shame in it etc etc but he says he doesn't need help.
He's very old school in many ways and thinks things should be the way they were in his dads generation (his dad had him old so would no me be 80ish if alive)

He says he just feels down & drained, no energy and he thinks that's his depression causing it. He's self diagnosed himself as having adhd (I'd be shocked if he's not) but again no interest in a diagnosis/support/treatment.

This is why I feel guilty leaving him over the sex. But it's more than that. I'd be more than willing to stick around and support him if he'd get help but he won't help himself

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 09/11/2024 17:06

I've no idea what 'intimidated by your body' really means, but it sounds like a translation of something else. Imo I have felt a certain amount of awe when with someone whose body is amazing, and it might slightly alter what i choose to do with them, but it's never once stopped me getting it on with them - rather the opposite.