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Original poster

Would you stay in a low sex relationship?

132 replies

creader · 09/11/2024 16:20

Been together 2years. Even at the beginning the amount of sex wasn't great. However it's gone from a couple of times a week to every few months at times (sometimes it can be once every 1 or 2 months).

He's very tactile, affectionate and always compliments me, tells me I'm sexy etc but he just has very low sex drive.

Doesn't even seem to enjoy foreplay so even when we do have sex I feel like he's going through the motions.

Everything else in outer relationship is amazing but it's killing my self esteem. I've been more argumentative recently but I feel like I'm beginning to resent him for it

OP posts:
Original poster
creader · 10/11/2024 08:36

bifurCAT · 10/11/2024 06:26

Would the women in here be saying the same, to leave, if it was say, menopausal loss of libido, or one or two years after kids (where sex usually declines anyway)? The result is the same.

This is the man doesn't want sex = man's fault; woman doesn't want sex = man's fault, thing.

Really, the question is, regardless of the reason, if the sex life deviates too much from the 'norm' (say twice a week), would anyone be forgiven for leaving?

If you'd asked me this a few years ago I'd have thought a man would be uncaring/inconsiderate for leaving due purely to sex. But I've now completely changed my mind and I have just as much sympathy for them as I do for women in this situation.

In the past when I'd heard men moaning about this I'd assumed it was just the physical act they were frustrated about. But if they're in love with their DP then their self esteem is probably like mine, they probably feel rejected, unattractive and not as intimately close to their DP as I do.

I'd even go as far as to say that I can understand when men come across as huffy when they are rejected for sex (assuming it genuinely is very infrequent). I'm not saying it's right at all but I'm recognising it in myself and that's one of the main reasons I'm swaying towards ending it.

I do feel my mood change but as a result of the rejection but more cos of how it makes me feel as a person rather than because I've not just had sex.

Therefore, I wouldn't expect a man to stay in my situation if roles were reversed.

I do think it's different for both men and women if they had a healthy and compatible sex life for years then something like kids or ED, menopause puts a stop to it. I'd expect there to be natural phases in a relationship.
In that case it's where it goes on for a prolonged period and the partner isn't willing to try and address it or get support/medication.

I'd also feel differently if there was nothing my partner could actually do to address it. It's the fact he can but won't. It's starting to feel selfish which I think is the root cause of my resentment

OP posts:
Original poster
creader · 10/11/2024 08:38

RA010 · 10/11/2024 08:27

I’m in exactly the same situation, 12 years in with a young child. I’ve had so many conversations which leads to an argument. I’ve thought about leaving and even been close to not coming home. I understand your frustration as it makes you feel undesirable which as a woman has a major inpact on your confidence.

as you live in separate houses, I’d write your feelings down on a piece of paper/note & when it gets to a point where you feel that you can’t hack it anymore, send it to him. That way he has time to process it without you both living under 1 roof.

Sorry you've been through similar and for so long. This is a great idea thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
creader · 10/11/2024 08:40

I also don't want to be in a position where I have a partner who has sex with me out of duty.
I only want to have sex if he genuinely desires me and wants to have sex with me

OP posts:
LushLemonTart · 10/11/2024 08:48

I tried writing a letter to exdh. It didn't work.

RevelryMum · 10/11/2024 08:50

Has he any problems in that area ? Two years is very early to have that little sex, I mean is that how you want the rest of your life to be if you stay with him ?

NPET · 10/11/2024 13:13

creader · 09/11/2024 22:24

Once a month wouldn't be disasterous. It's sometimes 3 or 4 months between, then once a month for a few months then a bigger gap again.

Even when we do have sex it's never the 'can't wait to rip your clothes off' sex. It's always before we're about to sleep. Always in a bed. In fact we've never done it anywhere but a bed.

A few times we've been on holiday for a week, just the 2 of us. We've had sex twice in the week we were away but that's the most ever - even in the very early stages.

Last December I booked an overnight stay in a fancy hotel. Booked it towards the end of his week off work so he wasnt stressed. Bought sexy underwear. Hasn't had sex in over 2 months. Went out for dinner & drinks, went back and ran a bath. Came out the bathroom in the sexy underwear. He barely batted an eyelid and carried on chatting as normal. I was a bit down and the next day I mentioned I'd felt rejected and he said he was tired.

Then I imagined a woman posting on mn complaining her DP had gone quiet and guilt tripped her for not having sex with him

Show quote history

Thx for yr reply but as I said "personally" it sounds "horrendous". It now sounds even worse!
But I have to emphasise "personally" again. Many women even of my age wouldn't even want sex as often as I get it so certainly my level of "activity" isn't to be seen as "normal" for everyone.
However, I think you have a difficult decision to make. I must admit that as a 20y old I don't really feel I have the right to say this so please IGNORE me if you think I'm wrong.
But, if you're like me, you need sex, and there is NO way I would accept what you are having to put up with.
I'm sorry to be "upfront" as I'm called, but if I didn't have a decent dinky inside me regularly I would ... well I'd spend me life with a giant dildo I guess.
I think your difficult decision has to be "do I put up with this and emphasise to him that I MUST have sex regularly - or he's out"
OR
"Throw him out now".
It's obvious that personally (that word again) I would choose the latter. Any man who made me wait a week or more would have his bags packed and put out on the pavement. After all there is hardly a shortage of decent dinkies wanting me.
Sorry if any of that sounds TOO upfront or TOO pretentious of me, but it is all true. I swear.

PassingStranger · 10/11/2024 16:06

username3645 · 09/11/2024 22:52

I would but I also have a low sex drive. If I had a higher sex drive I probably would have to do something about it. Sexual incompatibility can be a big factor in ending relationships.

So can lots of other things.

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