Would you stay in a low sex relationship?

[creader]

Been together 2years. Even at the beginning the amount of sex wasn't great. However it's gone from a couple of times a week to every few months at times (sometimes it can be once every 1 or 2 months).

He's very tactile, affectionate and always compliments me, tells me I'm sexy etc but he just has very low sex drive.

Doesn't even seem to enjoy foreplay so even when we do have sex I feel like he's going through the motions.

Everything else in outer relationship is amazing but it's killing my self esteem. I've been more argumentative recently but I feel like I'm beginning to resent him for it

This is true. My mum had gone through full menopause by her mid 40s so I'm already wondering if I'm peri.

It's hard to explain, it's more the now feeling wanted/desired sexually than the actual act itself

The homophobia is hard to explain. I'd never have thought for a second that I'd tolerate this in any way at all. Then he described his upbringing and parents views and it kinda made sense why he felt that way.
Like it's almost not his fault.....maybe I'm making excuses for him.
I did think it was strange hearing how uncomfortable and almost angry it made him.

Would it be possible for him to be so conditioned into thinking this way that he can't even admit to himself he's gay?

The reason I ask is that I know he's watched straight porn. When we first met I looked at who he followed online and there was a lot of models/influencers with extremely big boobs so I thought that was obviously his type.

I think I've got an okay figure - size 8 and keep quite fit. Get plenty of compliments but I'm quite flat chested. I mentioned this to him when i said how the lack of sex made me feel.
He'd already unfollowed all the models etc and reassured me how much he fancied me and liked my figure.

Surely if me being flat chested was enough to turn him off even having sex with me he would just end it? Why would you stay with someone you're not sexually attracted to?

The fact he's previously followed this type of girl online is also what's casting doubt over me thinking he's possibly gay. Would someone who was closet gay do that?

I think it's time you asked yourself why you've been putting up with him for 2 years?! Rare sex and even when it does happen he's crap at foreplay. Sex is not important for him, he's told you that, he's wrong to claim its not important in a general sense though, to most people it is an important part of a relationship.
You don't even need to end it because of the sex, he doesn't sound like a nice person. Old fashioned values is just another name for misogynist, you'll find men who claim to have these values are all sexist. He's also boring when depressed and won't do anything about it. Why on earth have you not walked away by now, he gives you many reasons to other than sex? Leave because the rest sounds crap too.

He sounds absolutely grim.

@Opentooffers as silly as this sounds....it's taken me writing this thread to realised how bad things are.

Maybe because I've listed all the negatives and none of the positives.

Nobody has ever made me laugh so much, he's kind, affectionate, love being around him (although this is reducing as the resentment builds!). The honeymoon period was amazing and I'd never felt like that about anyone (inc my exH that I had my DS with). All of this was well hidden during that period and by the time the cracks started to show I was head over heels. (I should add that even during the honeymoon period the sex wasn't as often as I'd have liked but not so infrequent it was an issue. I even thought he was respectful and different than other men I'd dated who only seemed to be after 1 thing)

I'm not trying to back track and stick up for him as I know it's unacceptable and I know what I need to do. I do still love and care for him and have guilt about ending it when he's not in a great place

This is actually the validation I've been looking for. I think over time I've been made to feel like I'm expecting too much from him.
I've ended up feeling like some sex crazed nymph that's throwing away something amazing over "just sex"

Rubbish I'm 56 and have a great sex life. My dm did in her 80s. Granted her dp was a lot younger.

That's how I ended up feeling in my 1st marriage. I thought there was something wrong with me. Once I was single soon realised there wasn't. I'd had plenty of interest pre marriage but it fucks with your head.

Most men are as horny as a jack russell with two dicks. Whats up with this fella?

OP the homophobia would be a huge red flag for obvious reasons, but combined with low/no sex and his depressive episodes, it would make me think maybe he is experiencing an internal battle. He could be bi, or gay, and if he is, it’s clear he was never given an option to do anything but suppress and loathe those feelings.

Despite the good parts of your relationship, he needs to “do the work” and go to therapy at the very least. You have enough emotional labour in your day.

Loads of men have a low sex drive, or anyway lower than their partner. Nothing wrong with that, but it's not for me and not for the OP either.

Tbh it feels like this has gone on so long that I find it hard to imagine being in a relationship with a man who feels like this towards me. It's actually quite sad but I think I've just conditioned myself to accept it.

I remember about 6 months in I used to stay over and we'd not have had sex for 3 or 4 weeks and he'd be lying next to me in my sexiest underwear snoring away. I cried myself to sleep a few weeks in a row before finally having the first conversation about it. Over time I've grown to accept it as 'normal'

Before my bf I was mostly single for 6 years.
A few short relationships but nobody I could see a future with. I hadn't had sex for 2.5 years before I met him. That was through choice as I had dates where I'm sure the men would've obliged bit personally I've never been a fan of casual sex.

I know can't even remember whatnots like to be in a relationship with a healthy sex life

Also reminds me of when o was shopping in the city near Valentine's Day. There was lots of sexy lingerie etc and in the past if id been in a relationship I'd have bought myself something to wear.
I ended up leaving the city and driving home in tears as I felt that I wasn't attractive enough for anyone to see me that way. I also thought to myself if I stayed with him (which I was sure of at the time), then at the age of 38 that part of my life was over

It doesn’t really matter what Mumsnet thinks - are you happy with the status quo? Have you considered other relationship formats? Eg. If your relationship is as strong as you say, and you consider yourselves companions for life, how would it feel for you to have an open relationship?

I wouldn't want that to be honest. It's the fact that the man I'm in love with and fancy doesn't want to have sex with me that's eroding my self esteem.
If I get to the point of actually wanting sex elsewhere it's 100% over in my eyes

it has been two years and you are not married. Dont waste any more time.

Doesn't even seem to enjoy foreplay so even when we do have sex I feel like he's going through the motions.
This would be the end for me.

Personally sounds horrendous. But we're all different - l'm 20 and still in my "whenever and wherever (not quite whoever!)" stage, so I couldn't imagine ONCE a MONTH. But friends could.

Normal long term relationships have peaks and troughs of sex..
But the situation you describe sounds like he just doesn't really care much about your needs.
In my own marriage there's been times when it's been months but we've talked about it and renewed efforts and got back on track with the romance. Because we both care about that side of things it's just life sometimes gets in the way.
It doesn't sound like your partner really cares that your sex life has dwindled and if that's the case I don't see what you can do.
You have a right to have the sexual relationship you want but he also has a right to have the sexual relationship he wants. Those aren't compatible.. so I guess in your situation I would end the relationship. Because if it's never going to change you are going to live with so much resentment and sorrow.

Well a 2 year relationship is nothing. Walk away and find a man who wants to stick it in every time you bend over to load the washing machine.

I think there's more going on here than a straighforward I love him and fancy him but he won't shag me. You've said various things about him that are pretty unattractive, why do you think you still feel like you still love him and fancy him? Aren't his behaviours and beliefs massive turn offs for you?

Unless you are happy to accept that you will never have sex with someone who is an enthusiastic and enjoyable participant, you're going to have to accept that at some point you are going to want sex elsewhere. I'd be cutting my losses on hundred percent, you're far too young to be hanging up your knocking boots unless that's what you want and you are happy with it. Life is far too short for shit low frequency sex with a lazy homophobe who wont take accountability.

I’m going against the grain here but this would suit me as I do t need sex. I need support & closeness but not sex. However, if you do then it’s definitely an issue & YANBU.

Once a month wouldn't be disasterous. It's sometimes 3 or 4 months between, then once a month for a few months then a bigger gap again.

Even when we do have sex it's never the 'can't wait to rip your clothes off' sex. It's always before we're about to sleep. Always in a bed. In fact we've never done it anywhere but a bed.

A few times we've been on holiday for a week, just the 2 of us. We've had sex twice in the week we were away but that's the most ever - even in the very early stages.

Last December I booked an overnight stay in a fancy hotel. Booked it towards the end of his week off work so he wasnt stressed. Bought sexy underwear. Hasn't had sex in over 2 months. Went out for dinner & drinks, went back and ran a bath. Came out the bathroom in the sexy underwear. He barely batted an eyelid and carried on chatting as normal. I was a bit down and the next day I mentioned I'd felt rejected and he said he was tired.

Then I imagined a woman posting on mn complaining her DP had gone quiet and guilt tripped her for not having sex with him

If I get to the point of actually wanting sex elsewhere it's 100% over in my eyes

Why isn't it 100% over now? He's allowed not to want sex, ever. You're allowed to want multiple orgasms, daily (from him). You're not sexually compatible. It is fine for him right now, because as long as you're not having sex, he's having his sexual needs met. So you can carry on hoping he'll change, but that's like hoping a gay man will become attracted to women. You're talking about sexuality here and his and yours are not compatible.

It's painful to end it now, but that will not get easier. It'll damage you before you get to your statement above, then the breakup will be emotionally taxing too because you will essentially be ready to cheat, which you don't want to.

It's a cut and dry thing at this stage in a relationship. His needs are met by companionship. Yours arent remotely met by companionship and it's damaging to your mental health.

Sorry, I didn't word that very well. I am coming to the conclusion that it's over regardless.
I was just trying to make the point that if I was in a relationship and wanted to get sex elsewhere I'd leave.
It's not to say it needs to get to that stage for it to be over.

I think what's throwing me is that when I was single for 6 years prior to meeting him, it was companionship I missed most. So I'm now questioning why it's not enough for me

Also, I don't have that high a sex drive that I NEED sex.
When I've been single I've gone years at a time without sex and not felt that bad about it. Yeah I missed it but it wasn't a massive issue.
I think it's actually having a DP that doesn't want/desire me that makes me feel unattractive, as opposed to the physical sex