Would you stay in a low sex relationship?

[creader]

Been together 2years. Even at the beginning the amount of sex wasn't great. However it's gone from a couple of times a week to every few months at times (sometimes it can be once every 1 or 2 months).

He's very tactile, affectionate and always compliments me, tells me I'm sexy etc but he just has very low sex drive.

Doesn't even seem to enjoy foreplay so even when we do have sex I feel like he's going through the motions.

Everything else in outer relationship is amazing but it's killing my self esteem. I've been more argumentative recently but I feel like I'm beginning to resent him for it

@creader does his depression only come up when you are suggesting sex/seducing him, or at other times?

I think if someone has self diagnosed with a whole bookshelf of issues without once seeking qualified help or even expert information, I'd frankly fuck off. He needs a boatload of therapy but is quite clearly going to live his life in fear* rather than actually DO anything.

*I regard watching Strictly Ballroom as a cheap form of therapy if he's interested

@PermanentTemporary it was someone replying to me that said their ex was intimidated by their body. Definitely don't think that's the case here!!

No, not after only 2 years especially. To me it’s too important.

@PermanentTemporary no, he does seem to have periods of depression in general. He just doesn't want to do anything/go anywhere, feels done about himself and zero motivation for anything. He still wants to spend time with me but then that means the 2 of us not going anywhere together and just spending the night lying in bed watching tv (and no sex!). He does get really tired at these points and spends most of the night sleeping.

He has done a lot of research into adhd and he does seem like a classic case. It's the less well known symptoms that seem to impact him most. After he's really hyper he crashes tho, and mainly sleeps/is lethargic. He 100% has rejection sensitivity disorder, unorganised in general, no time keeping skills, constantly interrupts conversations, can't focus on tasks (unless it's the subject of his hyper focus).

He also has low blood pressure - this was diagnosed but the dr told him there was no medication and he's taken that as there is literally no point in going to a GP

Nope. It's a self esteem killer that ends up making you resentful. You're entitled to a relationship where you're on the same page about things, including sex.

Run for the hills. Exdh was like this. A miracle we got 2 dcs. I had to pester him. It really affected my mh. I had an amazing sex life after. Went a bit mad. Met dh and we have an enviable sex life. I was 40 when I met him.
I still get on with exdh just were very incompatible sexually.

He sounds very hard work without the sex issue tbh.

It's very hard to find someone that manches all your needs though..

Life is hard and there's alot of horrible and abusive people around.

Sounds like he has some good points and you get on very well so yes I would stay.
Sex isn't everything.

He's right, you might find someone that can shag you senseless but out the bedroom it dosent work out. I know what I'd rather. A nice long standing stabbed relationship. Jumping ship does not ensure happiness.

Are u sure he isnt gay or porn addict?

I've wondered about both tbh....I've gone through just about every scenario in my head.

He can be pretty homophobic at times - agin he puts this down to his "old school traditional values" and that "men should be men" - even typing all this out im cringing at myself. He speaks about his dad ALOT and has said how he didn't like people being openly gay but that was obviously a different generation. I told him times have changed and in the 21st century it's not even something I give a second thought too. I've got gay and bi friends as does my eldest Dd. His views just seem so outdated but it's almost that he's proud of standing by his dad's principles.
One time we were driving and had yet another argument about his homophobic views....he said that any man that says they wouldn't be disappointed/embarrassed if their son was gay is lying. He said there's no way he could accept his son if he ever came out (thankfully he doesn't have dc so all hypothetical). He also said his dad would turn in his grave at the thought of having a gay grandson.
It always stuck in my head as it would make sense why he wouldn't have been comfortable coming out if that's the environment he was brought up in.

We didnt speak for a few days after that disagreement as I said I couldn't be with someone so full of hate towards people due to their sexuality.

Then a gay man started in his work. He is so uncomfortable around him and says he makes his skin crawl. When I dig deeper he said it was cos he didn't like imagining what he did with men. This ended in abother argument as I said I don't picture my straight/gay/lesbian friends having sex -it doesn't cross my mind. He then said he doesn't do this with his straight colleagues but couldn't help the "disgusting" thoughts about his gay colleague

@Imperrysmum equally it could be alien addiction. I know he watches it but he acts very conservative about it. A bit like his whole attitude to sex. Doesn't like discussing and gets embarrassed if I mention it.

He has spent big chunks of his adult life single so I'd be surprised if he hasn't watched a lot of porn......but then would he watch porn with such a low sex drive?? 🤯

It’s not about the amount of sex, but about whether you are both satisfied with the amount. You aren’t.
If sex is something that is important to you in a relationship then you can’t quash that for “nice in other ways”. And certainly not at this stage either so early in relatively speaking. It won’t get better let’s be real. And life has temptations. Can you be certain you could always resist temptation when you are unfulfilled in your relationship? Because ultimately that’s what you are. Unfulfilled.
I’m assuming you don’t want any more DCs with this partner, and if that’s the case then surely this new partner needs to fulfill that side for you at this stage in your life. It’s not like you’re in the drudgery of having and raising children together where sex can sometimes take a wayside. If your family is complete, the DCs are independent enough so to speak (school age, not babies or toddlers) then this is your time to get back a little bit of your own life. So live the life you want, not the one you feel you SHOULD want.

Oh God so he wants you there as his emotional crutch 24/7 instead of tackling his needs himself with professional help and your support.

This is genuinely triggering for me, I've attempted that life. Miserable.

Definitely not.

Late 40s now and I still couldn't.

If everything else was good I wouldn’t leave the relationship. In ten years time you’ll be happy he isn’t pestering you for sex.

Read this book - Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. She explains there is no such thing as a “sex drive” only accelerators and brakes. From your updates it looks like you know what his brakes are but if he’s not willing to help himself and I can imagine it’s very frustrating for you. You have to be able to communicate and understand what works for both of you otherwise you’ll never be compatible in the bedroom. Hope you figure it all out.

Funny thing, sex. When you're not getting it, it's the most important thing in the world. And when it's there on a plate, it's not that appealing.

I'm not sure why you want to be with someone with openly homophobic views, never mind beg them to have sex with you. Bin him off, he will grind down your self esteem until someone shows you a bit of interest and you'll be jumping into bed with them to make yourself feel better.

He thinks that sex isn't important. It's ok not to agree and for that to be a reason to end the relationship, even if the homophobia didn't put the final nail in the coffin for you.

No I wouldn’t stay (and that was before I heard about his homophobia). He’s going to kill your self esteem. End it and get out now.

No but the menopause will dampen her sex drive and it will be far more in line with his then

That's right, absolutely ALL women automatically become frigid old bats as soon as menopause kicks in don't they. 🙄🙄🙄

Just read this - I’d bet he’s closet gay now.

Alien addiction???! 😂
Must've been some kind of autocorrect. I meant porn addiction.
Alien addiction hadn't crossed my mind but you never know!!

Jeez, @MerlotMisery . Check your misogyny! What an appalling way to describe women who do go off sex after Menopause. Frigid old bats...
Women have enough misogyny to contend with from men. Women talking about other women who may be experiencing different things to themselves is very depressing indeed.