Would you stay in a low sex relationship?

[creader]

Been together 2years. Even at the beginning the amount of sex wasn't great. However it's gone from a couple of times a week to every few months at times (sometimes it can be once every 1 or 2 months).

He's very tactile, affectionate and always compliments me, tells me I'm sexy etc but he just has very low sex drive.

Doesn't even seem to enjoy foreplay so even when we do have sex I feel like he's going through the motions.

Everything else in outer relationship is amazing but it's killing my self esteem. I've been more argumentative recently but I feel like I'm beginning to resent him for it

How is this an adult relationship?

You see a man a couple of times a week, who wants to come to your house, eat your food(?), lie in your bed and watch tv.

He doesn't want to date you, take you to dinner or the movies or to the theatre, he wants to sit in your bed and moan, whilst you lay next to him, sexually frustrated and having to "soothe" his self-diagnosed depression.

You seem to have adopted another child.

@Catseyes88

I never understand why a man with ED, or someone who has depression doesn't want to get better. Boggles my mind!
Out if interest does it boggle your mind when women with no libido won't try HRT, testosterone or other medical intervention to stimulate their libido?

@PassingStranger

Sounds like he has some good points and you get on very well so yes I would stay.
Sex isn't everything.
But it's a problem for the OP so it's not going to work.

Everyone has different levels of sexual requirements. For some of us, sex whilst not everything it is bloody important

Tbh he would like to spend more time together. He's met my dc for days out etc (before my doubts were as strong). However, I (thankfully) hadn't wanted to integrate our lives too much until I was sure.

We spend time between both our houses (dc are with their dad 2-3 nights per week) and take it in turns to cook (he'll sometimes get us a take away instead).

On the times when he's not as depressed we go for lunch & days out.

What I've described is the negatives. It's not like that all the time

I'm actually peri menopausal and started hrt around 4 months ago.
It's definitely been affecting my mood and I'm much snappier/less patient.

But the point is that I recognised I had a medical issue, went to the drs, got a diagnosis and medication to try and improve my lifestyle and manage my symptoms

Two years though........ it's nothing, just walk.

ND person here -
I can go through stages of being hyper sexual and then not wanting it at all and actually being repulsed at somebody touching me.
This isn't something I can control and can be very frustrating for both me and other people.
Sometimes I want it TO much and sometimes not at all!
I would hate for someone to leave me for something I can't control BUT and a very big BUT the difference is, I am diagnosed and have taken steps to help myself with my Neuro-diversity including therapy and medication.

Somebody must want to help themselves before you can help them unfortunately.

Really sorry you are feeling this way and I hope you come to a resolve whatever that might look like for you xx

I would but I also have a low sex drive. If I had a higher sex drive I probably would have to do something about it. Sexual incompatibility can be a big factor in ending relationships.

I'm not Catseyes88 but yes, I do wonder why they don't look into those options.

@welshmuma I think even if he was willing to try and engage in the support I'd feel differently towards him.

There are some positives to his (undiagnosed) adhd, he is the funniest & wittiest person I've ever met and when he's not "crashed & burned" he's my favourite person to spend time with. It's just so hard as I wish he'd at least try so I felt like he was making an effort.

Out of curiosity (and you can tell me if this is too personal) but does it also affect the way you feel about kissing (as in full on snogging). My DP only seems into that as part of sex. Outside of sex he'll give me a peck on the lips or forehead etc.
Even if he doesn't want to have sex I'd love him to grab me and give me a good snog

I can't imagine what it'd be like after 10 years......

Rubbish.

I did stick around and it ended in disaster. Don’t do it, it never improves. Unless you are 70+ then maybe

@ccreader
I'm usually a person who hates 'ultimatums' but I think at this point you really need to be quite firm and frank with him that he needs to get some help or it's going to be over.
For us it can be difficult to read between the lines or pick up on hints.

From reading your other comments it sounds like a really nice relationship and it would be a shame to throw it away but you absolutely cannot continue to feel the way you are as it's changing your opinion of yourself and that's not right.

People say the same about me (I am ASD & ADHD) that I'm funny and unfiltered ect but then I think the stark contrast of when I'm in depressive episodes comes as even more of a shock to people and it can make me difficult to be around when they are used to what they perseive as the 'usual' me.

It is SO hard to admit you need some help at first , it took me a long time but in the end you do benefit from it and I wish I could tell everybody struggling that it really does make a difference. Not just to your issue but to life in general.

I don't think anything is too personal here on Mumsnet .
90% of the time I LOVE 'full on' kissing and phsycial touch is a love language to me , it makes me feel wanted and vice versa , if I am sat with my partner I will constantly be tickling his arm or have my hand on his knee ect, that touch to me makes me feel like I'm close to someone.

10% of the time then I can't even stand to be around someone and I can even jump at somebody touching me unexpectedly or actually feel sick, I can love the person to death but even someone talking to me could send me over the edge - But I know my body/mind and if I know it's a day like that then I will chose not to see my partner as I would hate for me to make them feel that way.

Unfortunately I can feel real rejection over the smallest things , this does make it hard for me to initiate 'things' - I feel this is annoying to my partner as it's always him starting it , I am fine during but in my head if I was to start something and maybe he didn't feel like it or said no this would feel like the end of the world to me, I'd feel disgusting (I do know that sounds irrational).

I think snogging is a personal taste thing I've only had NT partners and some love it and others who hate it and only want a peck outside of the bedroom xx

Yeah. I was all set to dive in with a suggestion for testosterone gel (you can have it prescribed by an online pharmacy) for both his libido and general enthusiasm. I was planning a very small rider along the lines that it could be possible that his resultant drive would turn out not to be in the direction of you/women/adults/humans, and to stay a tiny bit cautious of that.

Now I'm recanting! Thank you very much for the insight into his homophobia. He protesteth too much. He's gay.

Glad you don't live together. Sorry this one hasn't worked out.

What happened with his dad ? How did he pass ?

@Garlicpest I genuinely wouldn't be surprised. But if he is I think he's so far in denial he doesn't even realise himself!! Is that possible?!
Like I'm sure if we split up he'd go on and date other women

Don't think it was one single thing as he had various health problems throughout his 70s. Mainly heart problems but he also had liver problems (not alcohol related)

Ah okay sorry just for context with him seeming to idolise him I thought it was a fairly young death. Aside from this personal sex is important I feel and if it's making you feel shit I think that will amplify

@welshmuma thanks for the insight! You sound lovely, my bf definitely suffers from RSD too. It's one of the reasons that discussing this never goes well.
I've even focused on phrasing it like "l enjoy sex with you so much that I'd love to do it more often" or that I'd love to understand his feelings towards it but he clams up and takes it as me saying he's a "shit boyfriend"

I definitely don't think he's as self aware as you seem to be. He genuinely seems to think it's average/normal to have sex once every few months

No he was in his 70s, they just seemed really close (I never met him) but "idolising" would be the right word.

He often says things about how men these days are so 'weak' and back in his dads day, men were men

Yes, it's really quite common - and used to be the norm for same-sex attracted men. It's harrowing when you think about it: the deep self-loathing and the 'splitting' necessary to carry on as a hetero man.

This fucks a lot of women over, of course. It's one thing to act as a beard by mutual agreement; something very different to be stuck in a sexually unsatisfying marriage with a man who will happily allow his wife to feel there must be something wrong with her.

He often says things about how men these days are so 'weak' and back in his dads day, men were men

Oooh, they were ... so big and strong and ... manly, with glistening masculine muscles and firm masculine jawlines, sturdy men's thighs and ... and ... the invigorating scent of a man in his prime ...

Monty Python did a few sketches about this 😂

@Garlicpest I've heard loads of stories about gay men (and women) using their DP as a beard. However, I've always assumed they were fully conscious of what they were doing and choosing to deceive.
However, I'm now wondering if it's possible to be so homophobic and to have such a deep belief that it's so 'wrong' that you convince yourself you are straight and just have a low sex drive.
Otherwise you'd hate yourself!!!
Would these men watch hetero porn and sleaze over pictures of OF type models? I suppose they would if they were trying to convince themselves they were straight?

😂😂😂