Would you stay in a low sex relationship?

[creader]

Been together 2years. Even at the beginning the amount of sex wasn't great. However it's gone from a couple of times a week to every few months at times (sometimes it can be once every 1 or 2 months).

He's very tactile, affectionate and always compliments me, tells me I'm sexy etc but he just has very low sex drive.

Doesn't even seem to enjoy foreplay so even when we do have sex I feel like he's going through the motions.

Everything else in outer relationship is amazing but it's killing my self esteem. I've been more argumentative recently but I feel like I'm beginning to resent him for it

I would think there I'd some kinda trauma there tbf BUT If he's a brush it off kinda person you cannot lay your life on pause waiting. Personally in your position because obviously no lady wants to beg for the physical side. I would have a chat with him about his long term mental health and that it needs addressing, give yourself a deadline

I feel bad laughing at my own relationship but this could potentially be a lightbulb moment for me.

I was so sure it was his adhd/depression/low energy but I guess he could possibly have adhd and be gay!!

I've been there, it kills your sense of being attractive confident and sexy. However much you love the guy, it's the kiss of death when he's so indifferent to sex.

On the rare occasions we did have sex, he was always uncomfortable about touching female genitalia.

One time, very soon into the relationship, I wore stockings and a short skirt, and we went to a seated event and I moved his hand over to my thigh to give a little thrill, to touch my stocking tops, and he pulled his hand away in terror. It was awful.

Edited to add: he's now 'happily married', but it's never going to last.

@RogueFemale if I tried something like that I'd get the same reaction.

I was hinting at it when I said he wasn't into foreolay before but it's exactly like he hates touching my genitalia.

I've always had a bit of a complex about my labia (they are on the larger side) and I've spent the last 18 months wondering if that's part of the issue.

If I end this and eventually start dating I think I'm going to be even more self conscious.

Did you tell your ex that's why you were breaking up? Was he open about not liking female genitalia and did he say why?

@RogueFemale sorry I just seen that you'd added that he's now married. I was wondering if he'd ever came out as gay

No

Well only you can change things then. Why would he want to go for tests etc? He knows the score and he knows what his sex drive is. You can’t change people’s sex drive at this age. It’s part of them and who they are. It won’t get better, it will get worse.

Only you can change this by ending it and taking the risk of finding someone who you are more compatible with. I’m sure you know that that!

@crcreader Thank you for your lovely compliment.

I've just seen your response saying you're wondering if it's your anatomy that's the issue.

No no no! PLEASE do not do that, this is NOT a you issue!

I'm going to get a little 'frank' here but.. uh you could have a fanny that looked like a dropped kebab that had been stepped on and a man would still be all over it if he wanted sex , we come in all different shapes and sizes down there and other wise. If he truly did not like what he saw he wouldn't have sex with you AT ALL and certainly wouldn't be in a relationship with you.

Come on now, please don't do down the road of putting yourself down and thinking that's why Xx

He definitely wasn't gay. He was just crippled by lack of parental love, by boarding school. For a few months at the start, when we genuinely fell in love, I think he felt liberated and not scared of women for that brief time. Then, slowly but surely, the fear returned.

No, we never discussed him not touching my labia or vagina. It had nothing to do with my labia and everything to do with his private mystery discomfort with intimacy, so please don't feel it's anything to do with you.

Edited: I felt as wretched as you do, but it's past history now, so I see it for what it was.

@welshmuma @RogueFemale
Thank you both ❤️

@welshmuma your post actually made me laugh.

I have been driving myself mad with this and have even been looking at options for surgery etc. to make things a bit 'prettier' - even if not for current DP I'm worried future partners could be equally turned off

Oh @creader you really have nothing to worry about on that score, truly :)

The best antidote might be an awful man with a high libido. Just for a while.

To get over this relationship?
Or do you mean to make me realise that I should be grateful for what I have in DP?

I mean to get over it, move on and not worry about your labia being anything to do with it.

I stayed 10 years in that eventually sexless relationship and should have escaped a lot sooner. Like you, it killed my self confidence. I loved him, but the relationship died without the intimacy of sex.

Kind of, but having no libido is very different to a man with ED or someone with depression.

A man with ED over time with get atrophy meaning a shrinking of his dick and we all know what depression can do if not addressed.

this is coming from someone who had had ED and lost two good friends from clinical depression by suicide.

Of course depression can kill peoples sex drives. It can make people lose interest in anything they previously enjoyed.

You need to be just as proactive with relationship issues. You've identified a major issue. You think that it may be helped if he goes to the doctor so you try to encourage him to do that, and hold onto hope that it might change if he does even though he's told you he's not going to try to get any help.

This issue has been upsetting you when it was only a few months in but yet you stayed. Identifying an issue but waiting around for the other person to fix it just tends to lead to more pain and unhappiness.

Yes, i could.
For the first 3 years my current relationship was sexless due to MH/medication on my partners side.
We now have some form of sex every time we see eachother, which is one overnight a week.
We will be moving in together when possible.
If all forms of sex stopped tomorrow i'd stay, and still marry him. I'm with him for him as a person, sex is a nice bonus but i could live without it.

I ended my marriage over this, after many years of heartache. I would advise you to get out now. As you say, it’s not actually about the act of sex itself but how you feel in those moments with a partner when you are both utterly devoted to showing each other that they are the centre of your desire (and of course a lot more than just sexual desire if you are in love). Imo there is nothing else like it and it is such an important way that I stay connected to my partner.

Would the women in here be saying the same, to leave, if it was say, menopausal loss of libido, or one or two years after kids (where sex usually declines anyway)? The result is the same.

This is the man doesn't want sex = man's fault; woman doesn't want sex = man's fault, thing.

Really, the question is, regardless of the reason, if the sex life deviates too much from the 'norm' (say twice a week), would anyone be forgiven for leaving?

That is not the same situation at all. This man has always had a low sex drive and he doesn't seem concerned about it.
Also I would say the same thing to a man who had tried to talk to his partner about their lack of sex life but the partner would not engage or address the issue.
If you are incompatible sexually and one partner doesn't want to do anything about that, the relationship will not work.

@bifurCAT I don’t understand the fault part of your post. In this instance, I don’t think it’s anyone’s fault. I think in most instances, apart from where there is abuse and unkindness, it isn’t anyone’s fault that someone else doesn’t want sex. Like anything in a relationship it comes down to compatibility and compromise. For me, a passionate sex life brings me closer to my partner than I would be without it, and I love knowing we have this part of each other. Without that, I would feel like we were missing out on something really special. Selfishly, I like knowing he desires me and how that makes me feel.

If one partner makes the decision to take that part of a relationship fully or partially off the table, I don’t judge the other partner for wanting to leave, be they a man or a woman. We all have a right to happiness. I’d judge someone for lying, cheating or not being communicative about it though.

I'd love it
Have a low sex drive myself so would appreciate the space

No because this is completely different because sex was always infrequent from the start and was causing issues early on with the OP crying herself to sleep for weeks in a row 6 months in.

I’m in exactly the same situation, 12 years in with a young child. I’ve had so many conversations which leads to an argument. I’ve thought about leaving and even been close to not coming home. I understand your frustration as it makes you feel undesirable which as a woman has a major inpact on your confidence.

as you live in separate houses, I’d write your feelings down on a piece of paper/note & when it gets to a point where you feel that you can’t hack it anymore, send it to him. That way he has time to process it without you both living under 1 roof.