DH wants to give up job - will massively affect our finances

[HeavyBurden]

Bit of history first:

When we met DH was in a creative field with infrequent, well-paid work. The work vanished when we had kids, he found bits and pieces part-time. I also had insecure work, some of it creative, and at various points when kids were little we had a lot of crises and stresses about money.

DH didn't try to find alternative careers / jobs / sources of income. I found an alternative career and became the main breadwinner, sacrificing any chance of returning to my creative work. He continued to work part-time, infrequent jobs, bringing in little money to the household and enjoying days doing creative pursuits with friends.

A few years ago he got a job teaching his creative profession. I was able to open a pension and pay into it the money I used to have to pay him. His salary improved our lives, we were able to take holidays. We're now paying one DC's rent at uni with another due to start.

He hates teaching and wants to stop and retrain as a celebrant. I've heard of a few people managing to work full-time at this but I've also heard people say the market for this saturated, and we've no way of knowing until he starts how easy it'll be to find work.

I feel stressed and worried that the burden of paying the mortgage, paying for our lives, saving into a pension, and getting the kids through uni will all fall to me (again).

His family are being encouraging and supportive and I feel I'm the bad guy for not enthusiastically embracing his decision to leave his job.

I don't know how to deal with this. I want to support him. But I don't feel it's fair on me.

Neither of us are good at talking to each other about problems in the relationship. I've tried talking about the above and he tells me he feels unsupported and then I feel it's my job to come up with options to make it work. He wants me to encourage him the same way his family do.

A celebrant? Like a priest? Will he have any income?
Does that tie in with his creative work?

Sounds very odd

Tell him it's your turn to do what you want whilst he carries the financial burden.

That will certainly start the conversation off!

His actions over many years have been detrimental to the family and you - you have been a mug to put up with it IMO. He has not reciprocated for you.

He should find a job or (less likely) reliable income source or stick with his current job.

Would you be better off single?

I would have thought most of a celebrant’s work is at weekends anyway - can he do that alongside his existing job?

How will you eat if he quits?? What's his game plan??

Quite, sounds like the kind of job an under-employed actor does.

You could agree on a timescale eg youngest finishes uni, DP saves X amount over the next 2-3 years to weather a downturn into the celebrant market etc. Also, has he done his homework? Do you live in Brighton or Wiltshire or somewhere where they’re in high demand? We did use someone 20 years ago for a funeral, I don’t know if this is becoming more commonplace, all other events I’ve been to have been traditionally religious.

Easy for his family to be supportive, they don't have to pay the shortfall!
Perhaps tell him you'll be just as keen as they are now when they're offering to make up the difference.
Yes maybe it should be your time to return to creative pursuits and that should be the starting point for discussion...

All the celebrants I know (a surprising number!) get about 3-4 gigs a year. It is most definitely not a career.

He can train in his off time and start doing weekend work. See if there is work. And if he enjoys it. Try it for a few months.

Interestingly, job satisfaction is, at least in part, heritable. Which implies it's hard-wired. If he hates one job, chances are he'll hate another.

He's also got very used to the role of 'cool flighty one' in the relationship. You get to be the boring sensible one. Not nice of him.

I do celebrant, funeral and chaplaincy work. Part time. Voluntary. Unpaid. It would be very hard to live off even if i was paid for it. One-two bookings a month at the very most.

He could do it as a side line as others have said. But other than that explain to him it's not reasonable when you've committed to supporting your kids through uni, maybe he can revisit this plan once they've finished?

I know a couple of people who do this, they seem to have bookings most weekends, but it's weekend work that they do around full-time jobs, to afford the cost of living crisis/holidays/etc.

If he thinks this is his next calling, he can start doing it at weekends and see if he can drum up enough income to replace his actual job... at that point, you can have a conversation about if he gives that up. Until then, it's a daydream.

A former colleague of mine is a celebrant, she does funerals so is Mon-Fri but is a long way off a full time job and secure income.
I don't think you are being unreasonable OP, I think he needs to bring in a decent income until mortgage is paid off and DC have finished uni-like most other responsible adults.
His family don't have to live with the impact of him not earning sufficient wage, you do and DC do so yanbu

Are you married to my ex husband? Note ex.
I'm a pagan celebrant in my spare time I also have a full time well paid job as a medical professional.
I've had one gig in the last year, the country is full of celebrants.
Tell him to stop dicking about and support his family or he can leave.
My ex chose to leave and is now living a sad little life in a grotty bedsit until he finds some other idiot to sponge off.
If his family is so supportive tell them to pay you his money for the kids.

It isn't fair on you. You've already sacrificed your creative career so he could previously pursue his. If it was anyone's turn to give up the day job in pursuit of something different, it would be yours.

His family can be as supportive as they like, but unless they're going to pay your household bills, it's none of their business.

I know someone who is a celebrant. It's not their only job, they have at least 2 other jobs (maybe 3) that run along side it.

Maybe he could look into reducing his teaching hours (or getting a different part time job) IF it takes off.

I would ask for advice a financial advisor to do you both a financial life plan and it should provide the answer as to whether he can afford to do this. Then it becomes an independent person saying no to it, and it's not you. Does he have any sort of pension? My guess is probably not

You would be better off on your own, that would shake his sorry ass up having to pay for his own home, bills, pension and support his children.

This. What is HE doing to support you, your dreams, your goals?

Partners are supposed to enhance your life - he is making your life worse. Why do his wants and needs trump yours? Does he believe you have a right to a fulfilling life too?

A friend of mine is one and has another very flexible job which fits around it. She's had 2 jobs even after covid when the death rate was higher (apologies). I'd be surprised if you could make it pay as a ft job.

Well he needs to fit the training and any work around his existing job doesn't he? If he becomes inundated with enough work to make it full time (he won't) then he can leave teaching.

Otherwise I would be tempted to express my desire to become a full time artist/potter/whatever creative area you were involved in and then wait for him to come up with answers about how he will support your new career.

Yes, I was going to say that. An acquaintance who trained has a celebrant has I paid job in a couple of years.