DH wants to give up job - will massively affect our finances

[HeavyBurden]

Bit of history first:

When we met DH was in a creative field with infrequent, well-paid work. The work vanished when we had kids, he found bits and pieces part-time. I also had insecure work, some of it creative, and at various points when kids were little we had a lot of crises and stresses about money.

DH didn't try to find alternative careers / jobs / sources of income. I found an alternative career and became the main breadwinner, sacrificing any chance of returning to my creative work. He continued to work part-time, infrequent jobs, bringing in little money to the household and enjoying days doing creative pursuits with friends.

A few years ago he got a job teaching his creative profession. I was able to open a pension and pay into it the money I used to have to pay him. His salary improved our lives, we were able to take holidays. We're now paying one DC's rent at uni with another due to start.

He hates teaching and wants to stop and retrain as a celebrant. I've heard of a few people managing to work full-time at this but I've also heard people say the market for this saturated, and we've no way of knowing until he starts how easy it'll be to find work.

I feel stressed and worried that the burden of paying the mortgage, paying for our lives, saving into a pension, and getting the kids through uni will all fall to me (again).

His family are being encouraging and supportive and I feel I'm the bad guy for not enthusiastically embracing his decision to leave his job.

I don't know how to deal with this. I want to support him. But I don't feel it's fair on me.

Neither of us are good at talking to each other about problems in the relationship. I've tried talking about the above and he tells me he feels unsupported and then I feel it's my job to come up with options to make it work. He wants me to encourage him the same way his family do.

Teaching is hard work and can be soul destroying at times, but he can't just jack it in without having another job to go to and I would be making this very clear. You have a mortgage and bills to pay and children to provide for. After all what would happen if you felt the same?

If things are really getting on top of him, and his mental health is being affected, maybe he should get the doctor to sign him off sick for a bit while he considers feasible alternatives.

Yeah, he is not going to make a living at that. But this stood out to me

then I feel it's my job to come up with options to make it work. He wants me to encourage him the same way his family do.

You can encourage him but also ask him what his plan is to pay the bills if the work he gets as a celebrant does not bring in enough money.

I do understand what it's like to give up a "creative" job to become a teacher. It's what I did when I had my daughter.

I actually find teaching quite creative and a lot of my skills were transferable.

some larger companies offer financial wellness planning as a free/discounted service as a staff benefit. You pay if you take up a product.

It’s not up to you to solve this for your husband. He has to be involved to ensure he continues to uphold his financial commitments to your family. To be fair you haven’t made him sound the best l.

He sounds like he has been taking the piss out of you for a long time. Time to get tough and put a stop to it. What a tosser

He might be best off applying to your local registration service to become a ceremony officer. Depending on the size of the area, he might get recruited for next spring. It isn't fabulously paid and may just be seasonal work. At least he would get some training and experience for free and work out if he enjoys the role BUT it is only usually a side hustle...unless he goes the whole hog and joins as a full time registrar.

The moment you choose to have children, you are responsible for feeding and housing them. No matter how you feel. Creative people aren't specially exempt
So many of us have hopes and dreams we've given up for the kids. So many of us do things that are soul destroying, every day, because we have a responsibility to our children. Who didn't ask to be born.

All this. OP's husband (indirectly) chose to adversely impact the lives of his wife and children for years, by refusing to get a full-time job, facilitated by OP. During his teaching years, he has the awareness on some level that the qualities of lives for everyone have improved because the household income increased. Recently he again chooses to mess up everything again by leaving his full-time job to retrain, and retrain in a job that doesn't pay much. This is despite knowing he has one child at university whose rent comes from mum and dad's income, and the other chld to go soon, although later he says he could get a job as a delivery driver (could he? And how much does that pay these days?).

OP doesn't like that some of us have called him names, but hey - if the shoe fits and all. His creative side or desires, whatever you want to call it, don't trump his families needs.

Tell him to find other work while training and why are you paying dc rent, can't they get a job and go uni to pay the rent. My daughters will be going uni or that is the plan but I won't be paying for them. They need to get a job. I will help where I can.

Can you reason with him and say stick it out for another few years while in this expensive part of your lives? Reality check, need you to man up and put on hold the dream chasing as not fair on you.

Clearly very indulged by his family but reality is different. Would his Dad really suggest putting his family in debt for study at this point?

As I said, reality check. Of course we would all dream of being able to make good money from being creative but it's not predictable. Xx

This

@Jack80 DC1 has a job already while at uni.

The way student loans work is if your parents earn over a certain amount you can't get the full loan and the parents are expected by the government to top up.

So he has student loan for fees & v small bit of student loan that isn't enough to live on. In an expensive city he then needs job to eat and contribute a little to the rent. Then we pay rest of extortionate rent.

You misunderstand a celebrant. They work weekdays. They are the people who celebrate funerals and also weddings when it’s a non religious celebration. And even if you’re thinking along the lines of a Priest, they don’t only work a Sunday. They are on call 24-7 for parishioners needing support, final rights in hospital, visits in hospital and care homes, daily church services as well as weekend ones, funerals etc.

Work is stressful. He’s shying away from his responsibilities. If you don’t stop him on your own account, stop him doing this for his children’s sake.

Why not do some supply teaching..has it's own challenges but he is in control of jobs he takes or rejects. Sign up with decent agency and pay is probably x2 or X3 what he wud.get as delivery driver..he cud maybe do both.
I wouldn't go back to being a teacher on a contract and slave to the school. But supply is completely different in that sense. Might be a way to combine driver with that?

Funerals are where the celebrant money is. More people in my area are choosing non religious funerals with a celebrant. A friend trained and works 1-6 funerals a week sometimes many more.

Hmm, OP, maybe you should cost up DC2's likely expenses at uni (bearing in mind there can be a time lag with student finance if household income goes down) and approach the paternal grandparents about a regular contribution.

That might focus everybody's minds!

And there we have it...

I mean it took until 3 replies 😆

OP, sounds like he doesnt like his job, but first and formost at the moment his job is providing an income to the household. Be that via teaching or whatever, being a celebrant should play 2nd fiddle to providing a stable income.

As for paying your sons rent at Uni, I'm really sorry to say that he should shoulder more of this himself, if you can't afford to go to uni and live away, you need to find a closer uni and not live away while putting your parents under finicial strain. Now he may not even know how much of an effect it is having on you.

I haven't RTF but how dare he? No way, why should he get to do what he wants while you have to keep it all going. I'd be furious and I'd say NFW.

@40YearOldDad it's standard nowadays that parents have to contribute. See Martin Lewis on the subject - https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/students/student-loan-parental-contribution-tool/guide/

He also has 'university parental contribution calculator' - https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/students/university-living-costs-calculator/

The government won't give enough student loan for students to manage without parental contribution.

There are parents up and down the UK paying their DCs rent / expenses at uni because it's what's required.

This is even more reason to either keep at his job or find a new one. He has other responsibilities to shoulder and not just what he wants to do

Correct op. Uni aged children heavily rely on parental contribution, and it has become more expensive not less as dc get older.

@HeavyBurden

I'm half aware of the guidance, your own links give this information.

‘Bizarrely, while student loan amounts depend on parental income, there's no obligation on parents to contribute (and students can't force them).’

just banging in some random details to the calculator, how could it be fair that someone earning 65k should be able to contribute the same as someone earning 150k.

if parents can help, great, but if it’s putting financial strain on your parents you can’t expect it.

He can try the celebrant stuff on top of teaching.

You tell him you've had enough now the kids are at uni you want to be a creative again. See how that lands