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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH wants to give up job - will massively affect our finances

151 replies

HeavyBurden · 09/11/2024 14:15

Bit of history first:

When we met DH was in a creative field with infrequent, well-paid work. The work vanished when we had kids, he found bits and pieces part-time. I also had insecure work, some of it creative, and at various points when kids were little we had a lot of crises and stresses about money.

DH didn't try to find alternative careers / jobs / sources of income. I found an alternative career and became the main breadwinner, sacrificing any chance of returning to my creative work. He continued to work part-time, infrequent jobs, bringing in little money to the household and enjoying days doing creative pursuits with friends.

A few years ago he got a job teaching his creative profession. I was able to open a pension and pay into it the money I used to have to pay him. His salary improved our lives, we were able to take holidays. We're now paying one DC's rent at uni with another due to start.

He hates teaching and wants to stop and retrain as a celebrant. I've heard of a few people managing to work full-time at this but I've also heard people say the market for this saturated, and we've no way of knowing until he starts how easy it'll be to find work.

I feel stressed and worried that the burden of paying the mortgage, paying for our lives, saving into a pension, and getting the kids through uni will all fall to me (again).

His family are being encouraging and supportive and I feel I'm the bad guy for not enthusiastically embracing his decision to leave his job.

I don't know how to deal with this. I want to support him. But I don't feel it's fair on me.

Neither of us are good at talking to each other about problems in the relationship. I've tried talking about the above and he tells me he feels unsupported and then I feel it's my job to come up with options to make it work. He wants me to encourage him the same way his family do.

OP posts:
Gettingbysomehow · 09/11/2024 17:25

I think its time you seriously lost your shit with him OP.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 09/11/2024 17:26

We had a celebrant for my dads funeral just to answer PP’s saying they’re not used to

BehindTheSequinsandStilettos · 09/11/2024 17:40

Teaching is backbreaking atm - I can and do understand why he might want to quit.
However, it's terrible timing and he should consider the following first:

  • changing school
  • changing student age e.g. teach college, sixth form, special, adult ed, hospital, traveller, prison instead - if art, the latter would be a good pick
  • asking to go part-time: going to 4 days or 3 days a week might take the edge off and he doesn't put all his eggs in one basket. He could explore other avenues in the one day off
  • doing supply (not for the faint-hearted though tbh)
  • switching to an LSA, pastoral, attendance or admin role instead - less money but potentially less pressure if it's the teaching side getting to him
  • pursuing the celebrant side hustle in the holidays to see how viable it is

I think the golden rule of having a job to go to applies here and self-employment is precarious

healthybychristmas · 09/11/2024 17:45

I think he is lazy and immature and expects you to fund his lifestyle. I was a teacher and I know how hard it is but I think this guy is just resentful that he has to work at a regular job instead of living off you.

This is something I would divorce over because I couldn't bear someone who was so dependent.

jannier · 09/11/2024 17:49

He's done what he wants for years time for you to take a turn I'd put my foot down and remind him I'd not had my dream job because I had to feed the family while he flaked about.

Ponderingwindow · 09/11/2024 17:53

Celebrants mostly work evenings and weekends. He can start as a side-hustle. If he becomes the busiest celebrant in the country, he can think about quitting his main job.

MillyMichaelson · 09/11/2024 17:54

minipie · 09/11/2024 14:24

I would have thought most of a celebrant’s work is at weekends anyway - can he do that alongside his existing job?

Funerals are weekdays. My friend does a mix of that and weddings.

Womblewife · 09/11/2024 17:54

He is looking for a job where he can basically do very little whilst you pay for everything. I would be telling his family that the moment you win the lottery he can do what he likes, but otherwise he will have to work like everyone else. I would be telling him you won’t fund this nonsense and if he can’t pay his share he moves out.

DanielaDressen · 09/11/2024 17:54

I have a friend who’s a celebrant, she gets ad hoc sporadic work and works another job alongside. He needs to carry on teaching and see if the celebrant work takes off (doubt it will). He sounds like a workshy slacker and would give me the ick big time. How does he intend you’ll be able to pay the dc’s rent if he jacks work in. A lot of people don’t like their job/working but we accept we need to do it. I’d love to pack my job in and toss it off painting in the summer house and selling the odd piece of work for barely more than the paint and card and frame cost me but it won’t pay the bills!

Itoldyousoo · 09/11/2024 17:57

We would all love to arse about and be creative and only do jobs we really like but the fact remains that you have to earn a living to keep yourself and a family. If I were you I would seriously be considering whether your aims in life are compatible.

JustWalkingTheDogs · 09/11/2024 18:03

Can you ask him to create a business plan on how he's proposing you, as a family, will pay the outgoings you have at the moment, plus the 'nice bits' such as holidays etc.

He can't just decide to change career with no idea what the salary will be and how the family will continue to pay the bills. Does he realise that he could potentially impact your dd's ability to continue to live at uni?

BilboBlaggin · 09/11/2024 18:08

I wouldn't be happy with that. I was formerly a funeral arranger and me and my colleagues used to stick with the same small group of celebrants who we knew and trusted. You can't afford to get it wrong with a funeral, and there's no "re-do", so we were reluctant to try newcomers.

user1471538283 · 09/11/2024 18:09

If he becomes a celebrant I'd ask him what's his plan for finding 50 percent of the money to run the home, help the DCs etc because it's not going to be you.

Honestly he's a grown man and his plan is to find himself, do something worthy on your dime again. We all have dreams, who would cough up for your dream?

Seeing as his family is so supportive they can keep him and his 50 percent towards the DCs. Bet they wouldn't be as supportive then.

He's a mooch. I couldn't be with someone with so little pride.

Yougetmoreofwhatyoufocuson · 09/11/2024 18:09

Perfectly fine, total encouragement to pursue all the things that make you happy.
But what’s the plan for paying your share of the bills?
Oh, I get to pay for everything again?
I’m not feeling supported here.

Imbusytodaysorry · 09/11/2024 18:12

I am all for supporting one another but it’s about time he stepped up as a dh and father.

@HeavyBurden absolutely no way would be my answer .

mummytrex · 09/11/2024 18:21

Uggh encourage him out the door. Seriously he sounds like you're the only adult in the relationship and he has zero ambition.

Do you love your alternate career that you've had to embrace because of historic circumstances? Suspect not but you've sucked it up because you thought you were a team.

It's sad he hates his job. I've been there but sucked it up. Why? For my family and spouse as it wasn't fair to pile extra pressure on him.

TheFormidableMrsC · 09/11/2024 18:27

My Aunt was a celebrant and had a job every couple of months. He sounds like a lazy arse who wants to be kept. I'd be pushing back against this. If he wants to faff around being creative, let him, but I'd be leaving the relationship.

Soocks · 09/11/2024 18:27

Just another lazy selfish loser who sees you as the stupid family work horse.

Time to get rid of of this waster.

googleyourheartout · 09/11/2024 18:28

His family can be as supportive as they want but they don't have to live with the consequences do they?

Nothatgingerpirate · 09/11/2024 18:29

Apileofballyhoo · 09/11/2024 14:23

Would you be better off single?

Nails it.
It's massively off-putting.

Tangelablue · 09/11/2024 18:32

Its funny that his family being supportive probably involves them telling him to go for it and follow his dreams, but for you to be supportive you need to take on the burden of all the financial responsibility for you all. If he is determine to go ahead with this plan and expect you to cover all outgoings then you need to be practical. Can you sell the house and downsize to reduce mortgage repayments? He will have to let your DC know they need to cover their own rent and make it clear you will not be giving him an allowance.
Then again, you could always join him in abandoning your adult responsibilities, pack your job in aswell and buy a campervan to live in.

westisbest1982 · 09/11/2024 18:32

He needs to bring in an income whilst retraining on the side. If he refuses to get a job - and of course it doesn't have to be teaching - then if I were you I'd be telling him (and his family) to do one. His selfish behaviour is appalling - what kind of dad let's his kids quality of lives suffer because he wants to stay home letting his wife be the sole earner (and not someone who earns a lot I get the impression)?

You can't afford to be a single income household when there's more than one of you to support - hardly anyone can these days.

BruFord · 09/11/2024 18:33

@northernsouldownsouth ’s idea of asking a financial planner to put together a longterm financial plan together is a great idea. It’ll show your DH how your lifestyle will change if he stops working.

In the meantime, I’d suggested putting together a spreadsheet showing your monthly income and expenses.

Your DH needs a reality check. Teaching is a tough profession and if he wants to make changes to what he’s currently doing, that’s OK-but they need to be practical decisions that bring in a regular income. You’re not a cash cow. 💐

BruFord · 09/11/2024 18:35

Tangelablue · 09/11/2024 18:32

Its funny that his family being supportive probably involves them telling him to go for it and follow his dreams, but for you to be supportive you need to take on the burden of all the financial responsibility for you all. If he is determine to go ahead with this plan and expect you to cover all outgoings then you need to be practical. Can you sell the house and downsize to reduce mortgage repayments? He will have to let your DC know they need to cover their own rent and make it clear you will not be giving him an allowance.
Then again, you could always join him in abandoning your adult responsibilities, pack your job in aswell and buy a campervan to live in.

@Tangelablue Tbf, his family probably don’t know the full details of their financial situation and what this would mean in real terms.

Crikeyalmighty · 09/11/2024 18:43

The idea that everyone can just pack their job in when they hate it is for the birds at the stage you have high expenses and commitments- you either both decide to lower those commitments, trade down on home, stop paying young adults rent etc or he finds something stable and comparable before he jacks it in- the celebrant thing is a nice 'add on' - it's not a full time career