DH wants to give up job - will massively affect our finances

[HeavyBurden]

Bit of history first:

When we met DH was in a creative field with infrequent, well-paid work. The work vanished when we had kids, he found bits and pieces part-time. I also had insecure work, some of it creative, and at various points when kids were little we had a lot of crises and stresses about money.

DH didn't try to find alternative careers / jobs / sources of income. I found an alternative career and became the main breadwinner, sacrificing any chance of returning to my creative work. He continued to work part-time, infrequent jobs, bringing in little money to the household and enjoying days doing creative pursuits with friends.

A few years ago he got a job teaching his creative profession. I was able to open a pension and pay into it the money I used to have to pay him. His salary improved our lives, we were able to take holidays. We're now paying one DC's rent at uni with another due to start.

He hates teaching and wants to stop and retrain as a celebrant. I've heard of a few people managing to work full-time at this but I've also heard people say the market for this saturated, and we've no way of knowing until he starts how easy it'll be to find work.

I feel stressed and worried that the burden of paying the mortgage, paying for our lives, saving into a pension, and getting the kids through uni will all fall to me (again).

His family are being encouraging and supportive and I feel I'm the bad guy for not enthusiastically embracing his decision to leave his job.

I don't know how to deal with this. I want to support him. But I don't feel it's fair on me.

Neither of us are good at talking to each other about problems in the relationship. I've tried talking about the above and he tells me he feels unsupported and then I feel it's my job to come up with options to make it work. He wants me to encourage him the same way his family do.

When he says family support him, you point out that actually family aren’t suggesting they support him to the point of housing him and hosting his contact with his children and paying your pension, so the expectation of them is very different to that of you and he might be surprised what they think if that’s what’s being suggested. You’ve done your financial support, you’ve sacrificed your own dreams for your family , you need support too and in this marriage you no longer support him to choose to not earn. Retraining will have to be while working.

This OP. Your husband's attitude never changed.
It looks like the teaching job just fell into his lap and he 'gave it a go'. Fulfilling his financial duty as a husband and father was never at the forefront of his mind.
'Mental health' is a convenient excuse for him. What about your mental health, keeping everything afloat? Why is his more important?
I'm not sure about leaving. As the main earner for so long you're likely to lose a good chunk of assets to him. Even though he pissed his time away and didn't help around the house.
This is something that will come up again and again so you decide. Do you want to spend the next 2 decades or more carrying everything? What kind of life are you hoping for in your old age?
You're both creative types, I guess you love your husband because he 'gets you' . But ultimately, you have to accept that he's done exactly as he pleases for 2 decades at least, and that's not likely to change.

Does he teach full time?

Could he look at reducing his hours or job sharing?

He'll need to work a lot more hours as a supermarket delivery driver.

Jobs you don't like aren't so bad three days a week and he could retrain and start building an alternative.

Oh and also OP, what is it about teaching that's 'bad' for his mental health. Is it the expectation of, you know, actually turning up and doing the work?
If it's handling pupil/parent demands, paperwork, I have news for you... he's going to fail at being a celebrant.
Customers can be picky. But also you're dealing with people at some of the most pivotal moments in their lives, you have to be mature, administratively on top of things, and communicate effectively.
I don't think a freedom loving creative type would be suited to it. Quite the opposite.

For previous generations house chores required long hours of extremely hard labour. There was no washing machines, fridges, no running water. Working class familes couldn't survive on one salary so all family members needed to earn some money including women and children.
Even when being a housewife became more common in the 50' it still required similar effort and time as full time employment and women had many children to look after on top of that.

So no, one person deciding to focus on their hobbies while another works 40 plus hours a week is not the same how it used to be for male breadwinners.

Besides that one partner doesn't get to decide for both people in a relationship. Most men and women don't want to be an only breadwinner in today's economy. Especially when there are no small children at home and kids are at uni.

We had a celebrant for a funeral at the end of June this year. He was fantastic, quite well known in another sphere in the past, he visited us, he wrote a eulogy with our input, was very involved and responsive. His fee was £250, hardly a fortune for how much he did. I can’t see how this could be a full time career with equivalent pay for someone starting out.

I think being a celebrant could be quite stressful... you're bereaved people who have list family members in all sorts of circumstances. Not for the faint hearted. He'll need to counsel them to help write a eulogy. Does he really know what's involved? I'm not sure it will be less stressful than teaching..,

He sounds work shy. I’d rather be alone.

You picked up on the he hates teaching part, did you also pick up on the, he fannied around doing barely any work and spent his time enjoying himself while his wife paid all the bills part.

There is a solution to the poor little diddums not liking his teaching job, (in case it seriously affects his mental health 🙄), he can get a different paying job so OP doesn’t have to single-handedly support the whole household.

This. Weddings are usually on a Saturday. I know funerals are often midweek but I'd be telling him he should carry on working until after kids are through uni then he can do as he pleases.

@Whocanbelieveit yep, it's called life- find something else to bring in the same if you haven't won the lottery etc!!

I do agree that if a job is truly destroying your mental health then people shouldn’t stay. I used to be a labour ward midwife and really struggled. I stuck it out for quite a while before getting a highly paid job using my degree but not working for the nhs. But I can see how if things had been only a tiny bit worse sticking it out may have been impossible and I’d have left sooner even if that meant going to work in a supermarket. It’s good he’s agreed to get a job elsewhere as well as celebrant work.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/1715821-what-is-a-cocklodger

It's a shame that most of the responses on this are people calling my husband names or being very harsh about him. While it feels somewhat validating to have my point of view agreed with, it doesn't help me fix the problem. When you've been married for over 20 years and have an entangled history and children etc you don't just throw in the towel if your spouse wants to leave their job.

I was hoping for some help on how to approach the issue.

Thanks for those earlier in the thread who made helpful suggestions e.g. seeing someone for financial advice (though I still think financial advisers only exist to sell you pensions or mortgages or whatever! Maybe I'll discover different when I investigate any that were recommended)

A Wesleyan advisor did half an hour online with me and didn't charge me or try to sell me a single thing!

Such a knowledgeable, nice man.

Your husband doesn't come off too well in your description. None of us have the emotional attachment.

Also those of us in teaching have met a lot of chaps like this...

@HeavyBurden I do understand how you feel- we work in creative sector and now in our early 60s and there's a helluva lot of women who have carried the financial load with creative guys for years. Thing is they are often interesting and fun guys and good to be around and quite often flexible jobs when they aren't earning- I know several married to Camera men etc who may only work 6 days a month but at £850 to £1000 a day etc- what I would say is examine what it is he doesn't like, is it that he's doing 5 days a week so can't even look at any creative outlets? Maybe if that's the case he could look at 2 days a week tutoring and then push for other work or indeed build up celebrant stuff etc -but overall he still needs to be contributing a fair whack whilst he's fit and able- you don't want to leave, so you either have to make peace with this and plan your life costs accordingly including not necessarily paying young adults rent or he has to get the message that doing as little as possible isn't an option at the moment-

I’ve had jobs that I’ve hated so much that I have struggled to get up in the morning. Did it affect my mental health? Yes, almost certainly. Did I just think, oh I’ll Jack it in and go and do something minimum wage for a while. No. Because I was the breadwinner, and largely responsible for paying the mortgage and supporting the family. I gritted my teeth and got on with it. DH changed jobs and was slightly better paid, which helped. But it’s part of being an adult and a partnership, and having a family. You have responsibilities and can’t just give it all up because you don’t fancy it any more. Your DH needs to give his head a wobble and leave teaching if he finds something that pays a comparable wage.

I think the unhelpful comments are from people who really don't understand what it's like to train in a creative profession, for it to feel like a vocation and then not get any work. It's soul destroying when you have put your heart and soul into your ambition and it doesn't work out. I've been there and it's hard. I know so many actors who keep going and keep going without making much money.

I also taught as a 'stopgap' and absolutely was destroyed by it. It was just a way to make money and I hated it. I gave up because I had to, I just couldn't go on.

Some ideas for him-

Assuming he's an actor has he looked into doing role play/ corporate stuff in the past? It's competitive but his teaching experience would help as there is an element of that. Also presentation skills training.

Market research

Teaching LAMDA exams ( you have to train to do it though)

OP ,your husband has never had to deal with the consequences of his actions. So why would he change?
I mean you don't have to 'leave' but just you nagging him doesn't work.
Ultimately there is no magic solution for making someone listen. Even if you see a financial planner the only message he'll probably take away is that it's all your job to sort.
Stop subbing him, really blow up at him I don't know how but we can't advise you

While it feels somewhat validating to have my point of view agreed with, it doesn't help me fix the problem

Again, you seem to think this is all on you, when it isn’t.

There's nothing to understand. The moment you choose to have children, you are responsible for feeding and housing them. No matter how you feel. Creative people aren't specially exempt
So many of us have hopes and dreams we've given up for the kids. So many of us do things that are soul destroying, every day, because we have a responsibility to our children. Who didn't ask to be born.
If you feel really strongly about it then don't reproduce, let alone more than once like the OP's DH.

Also, he spent days indulging in his profession instead of carrying the mental load leaving the OP to do everything.

Basically when you choose to have children it's no longer all about you.

When your DH says he feels unsupported have you explained it’s very difficult for you as you have felt unsupported for many many years too. The strain of financially supporting him to allow him to pursue his passions have taken their toll and all you ask is that he has a suitable source of income lined up until such times as his proposed new business takes off.

DH works in academia and I realise the notice terms are long. Would taking a pt weekend deliver driver role for a supermarket give him more to save now and then a guaranteed income stream when he finishes up. Even a day a week is a foot in the door for more hours if he is already on payroll. He could also do overtime at Christmas , Easter etc until then.

He comes across as very self centered which is not entirely surprising if his family has always indulged his fantasies.

Has he ever done anything to support you to express your passions? Whether than is looking after the dc to enable you to spend time on your passion, funding an activity related to your passion, delaying his plans to facilitate something you want to do?

If he has never done anything like that, can you realistically see a time when you can put yourself first for a change? Is it a case that there will be space for you once he has found his ideal job, has financial security and free reign to indulge his passions? With his track record, that is never going to happen. As you get older and the opportunities for you drain away, how will you stop the inevitable resentment that he stopped you from realising your potential? Or do you resign yourself to thinking that your needs weren't important?

Part of being a grown up with children is that you have responsibilities that sometimes come before your own needs. Part of being in a relationship means that you need to consider the other person when making decisions that impact them and the family. I would suggest the OPs DH might not be an ideal candidate for the celebrant role due to their tendency towards being inherently selfish and not being kind and caring enough towards their own families needs.