DH wants to give up job - will massively affect our finances

[HeavyBurden]

Bit of history first:

When we met DH was in a creative field with infrequent, well-paid work. The work vanished when we had kids, he found bits and pieces part-time. I also had insecure work, some of it creative, and at various points when kids were little we had a lot of crises and stresses about money.

DH didn't try to find alternative careers / jobs / sources of income. I found an alternative career and became the main breadwinner, sacrificing any chance of returning to my creative work. He continued to work part-time, infrequent jobs, bringing in little money to the household and enjoying days doing creative pursuits with friends.

A few years ago he got a job teaching his creative profession. I was able to open a pension and pay into it the money I used to have to pay him. His salary improved our lives, we were able to take holidays. We're now paying one DC's rent at uni with another due to start.

He hates teaching and wants to stop and retrain as a celebrant. I've heard of a few people managing to work full-time at this but I've also heard people say the market for this saturated, and we've no way of knowing until he starts how easy it'll be to find work.

I feel stressed and worried that the burden of paying the mortgage, paying for our lives, saving into a pension, and getting the kids through uni will all fall to me (again).

His family are being encouraging and supportive and I feel I'm the bad guy for not enthusiastically embracing his decision to leave his job.

I don't know how to deal with this. I want to support him. But I don't feel it's fair on me.

Neither of us are good at talking to each other about problems in the relationship. I've tried talking about the above and he tells me he feels unsupported and then I feel it's my job to come up with options to make it work. He wants me to encourage him the same way his family do.

I understand why you would be upset/ worried and it's an...odd career choice to jump into straight away.
But i did pick up on the "he hates teaching" part and if it's bothering him so much, then that can affect his mental health. If you're pushing him to stay at that specific job for the money alone, i do think youre wrong. It could seriously affect his mental health. Is there a more comprising solution to this?

A friend of mine is a celebrant, she did our wedding. She's been doing it 20 years.

It's a sideline, not a FT job, she can't make it work otherwise. A good celebrant costs £££ but the market is saturated with people who are cheap and not that good at it.

She does maybe 6-7 bookings a year. Most from recommendations. She's a lone parent so can only take the jobs when her DC is with their dad.

I would make a spreadsheet of all your current costs & show it to your DH. This should include when the mortgage will end.

Then ask what your DHs financial plan for his retirement is, pre and post state retirement age.

Then you can plan for the future.

You may consider separation or divorce ?

Sorry to sound harsh, but he comes across as irresponsible and immature here, as well as unfair to you. Grown adults with dependent families don’t just get to give up their jobs to do something else when they don’t even know if it will make them any money at all. And from what others have written already, it seems extremely unlikely that he will make much of a living at all.
If teaching is very stressful for him (and I think teaching in a school, if that’s what it is, is one of the toughest jobs there is) then he needs to look at realistic alternatives. He might not find something else he “loves” to do, but then most of us don’t. We have a jobs because we need to earn a living. Maybe he can get a job that earns money for the family and then do the creative stuff as a sideline or hobby, like most other people (and like it seems you have stepped up and done).

Celebrants charge a fortune!

I think you need to go to couples counselling OP. You say that you're bad at communicating as a couple, and a good counsellor will definitely be able to help you with this. You are not being unreasonable at all, but it's possible that he hasn't realised how you feel if you're not very good at expressing things.

If he hates teaching and wants to stop he needs to find another job that pays around the same first and then he can be a celebrant in his spare time.

It shouldn't be left to you to pay the mortgage and all the other expenses while he follows some cloud cuckoo pipe dream.

To be quite honest you'd probably be better off getting rid of him. He sounds a complete twat and totally irresponsible.

Unfortunately, OP.....you are not married to a serious person.
I could not tolerate or entertain the notion of being dependant or financially entangled with somebody so nervous,sometimeish...and selfish.
This revelation from a partner of mine would give me the nervous shits and be catalyst to my making decision to leave him, as I would expect him to pull the rug from under my feet further down the line anyway.
Take control. Nothing worse than being yoked to a dreamer that does not "do".
Most of us have to be "doers". And God bless those who dream and do (the best position in life).

Your husband does not want to be the first and he most certainly is not the second, even though he probably sees himself as such.

Run him off and let him be Disney Dad par excellence, because that is the role that his character can best manifest as no responsible parent seriously thinks like him.

Of course he should not as he will make a pittance compared with teaching and you are about to have 2 children at university with their rents to pay. If his family are so keen they should send the university the rents and the balance of his net salary and pension contributions to you by standing order every month

I don't think it's harsh. You've been enabling him for years to bugger about and let you do all the work. That's not teamwork or marriage imo.

Tell him you've no spare cash to keep him if he leaves his job without another earning at least the sane money. He cab pay to train as a celebrant out of his own money in his spare time.

His family sound a nightmare. What about your family? They won't think it's a good idea surely m?

If he does just stop working then stop paying for him to go on hols - after all, he is sacrificing all that for his dreams
Why are you sacrificing as well? Make sure everyone knows you pay for everything and are going to put yourself first, just like him. Ie not pay fir him - you're encouraging you're kids to be independent but their df is leaning all over you and using money you've set aside for them and you enjoy.

He isn't who you want him to be, perhaps,

A celebrant is not usually a full time job.

Simply tell him there are financial responsibilities that come with a family. And he needs to work and being in the same income he is now.

Not jump in to something that won’t bring any cash in. Tell him you gave up your passion to support the family and he needs to do the same. If he wants to pursue this, he can, along side a full time job.

He'd have to wait until after university is finished. He can train whilst he's teaching. An alternative is to drop to part time house and mix the two roles to see how it goes.

Just tell him he can do that by himself.

Why, oh WHY, do women put up with this level of tomfuckery. It’s beyond me.

No is a complete conversation in this case OP. We’d all love to fanny around trying out different careers but unless he’s a secret millionaire, he doesn’t get to not pull his weight financially. End of.

The couple of celebrants I know have taken it up post-retirement for a bit of pin-money and for a bit of interest.
I think I would be inviting him to look at your finances.

I have a friend who does this - alongside running a full time business. I think he personally and spiritually benefited from the humanist training course, and enjoys leading ceremonies but it’s not a serious viable job. Encourage your husband to train part time / explore the possibilities but absolutely not to give up his job to do it.

Teaching isn’t a job he can stick at indefinitely if he hates it.

I think I would tell him to do what he likes and support him in that.

But also point out that he needs to contribute X amount to the bills and running of the household. How he does that is up to him but it's not fair that a man who is able to work
Leaves it all to his wife.

I quite like this idea, maybe the Penny will drop when he has to explain his utter selfishness to another adult

This is massively unfair on you. Very easy for his family to be "supportive" - it's not going to affect them, is it?

If I were you I'd consult with a divorce lawyer now because if you leave him before he quits teaching you'll probably end up in a better financial position than if you wait until after.

It's all well and good to dislike teaching, but you've had to shoulder a disproportionate amount of the burden for years while he fannied about with hobbies and now he's expecting you to do it again? Hell no!

If you chucked him out he'd have to support himself and would free you up some money.

See how that goes.

I would tell him he needs to stay in regular paid employment especially whilst both your DCs go theough uni. I would say, sure be a celebrant and try it - but only if you can train and take work in addition to his paid regular job. It would be crazy to give up work for an unproven income stream.

I know people who work full-time and are a celebrant in their spare time. Surely he could do this in order to test the water rather than taking the risk of giving up a secure, well-paid job at a point where having children gets very expensive again?

It doesn’t really sound like you’re struggling as a family if you’re going on holidays and paying your DCs rent at uni, how would he feel if you earned the same as him as a celebrant and you couldn’t afford those things? If he’d be fine about it and you would manage between you for essentials then you shouldn’t resent him for your priorities if you’re making up the shortfall, if not than that isn’t really fair on you

I know a geography teacher who's also a celebrant. He can do both😉