DH wants to give up job - will massively affect our finances

[HeavyBurden]

Bit of history first:

When we met DH was in a creative field with infrequent, well-paid work. The work vanished when we had kids, he found bits and pieces part-time. I also had insecure work, some of it creative, and at various points when kids were little we had a lot of crises and stresses about money.

DH didn't try to find alternative careers / jobs / sources of income. I found an alternative career and became the main breadwinner, sacrificing any chance of returning to my creative work. He continued to work part-time, infrequent jobs, bringing in little money to the household and enjoying days doing creative pursuits with friends.

A few years ago he got a job teaching his creative profession. I was able to open a pension and pay into it the money I used to have to pay him. His salary improved our lives, we were able to take holidays. We're now paying one DC's rent at uni with another due to start.

He hates teaching and wants to stop and retrain as a celebrant. I've heard of a few people managing to work full-time at this but I've also heard people say the market for this saturated, and we've no way of knowing until he starts how easy it'll be to find work.

I feel stressed and worried that the burden of paying the mortgage, paying for our lives, saving into a pension, and getting the kids through uni will all fall to me (again).

His family are being encouraging and supportive and I feel I'm the bad guy for not enthusiastically embracing his decision to leave his job.

I don't know how to deal with this. I want to support him. But I don't feel it's fair on me.

Neither of us are good at talking to each other about problems in the relationship. I've tried talking about the above and he tells me he feels unsupported and then I feel it's my job to come up with options to make it work. He wants me to encourage him the same way his family do.

I would say no.
It’s a dealbreaker.
You are not his mother, he is not a child. As an adult he needs to be fully participating and contributing. It reads that he just cba to work and is happy to let you work yourself to the bone.

I would be content to separate and divorce over this because the resentment caused would outweigh the very small benefits of being married to a cockoidger.

I married and divorced a creative type with a similar chequered work history. See this for what it is, a repeating pattern of behaviour where he selfishly puts himself first and you and the children last. He's Peter Pan. If he doesnt want to teach fulltime he can tutor etc but he still has to contribute a fair share and not pull the rug from under the dc.

I actually know an under employed actor that does this! But only in the summer. He also works as a cleaner somewhere so obviously neither of his first 2 career choices are lucrative!

"got a job teaching his creative profession" could mean a variety of things from uni lecturing to peripatetic music teaching.

He's not necessarily full time teaching drama in a comprehensive, if that's what people are imagining.

I think it's a good idea to see a financial planner.

Retirement would be the obvious time to become a celebrant. So make a financial plan to work out how you can afford to retire/step down towards retirement (maybe starting 3 years from next autumn when your younger child graduates?)

So many responses, thank you!

One of you mentioned that teaching could be damaging his mental health, this is definitely the case, wish I'd put this in the OP. He feels it is breaking him.

He definitely needs to leave his job for his mental health. I just wish he'd apply for other jobs and leave his current job when he's found a new one.

Some people do make celebrancy work full-time. I joined a celebrant facebook group and saw one guy talking about how many funeral bookings he was getting a year. But he'd been working 16 years.

As one of you said, I'd imagine most funeral directors are reluctant to direct customers to new celebrants.

But since posting he's agreed to find work as a supermarket delivery driver while he builds the business which is something. I still worry about whether he will do this as I know he'll need to give a certain amount of notice to school and I'm not sure if a supermarket would be willing to wait for him with the notice period. And there may not be a job available at the end of the academic year and he may not get the job even if there is one!

DH is a lovely man in so many ways and he's been working his arse off the last few years. He could have just kept working part time but he gave teaching a go. So not quite as bad as lots of you are painting him. I don't want to leave him. If I did it would be easier I suppose!

Lots of your posts have validated my anxiety, anger, resentment and frustration about his 'plan' which is helpful.

I think I need to work out a way to get him out of this job and into another that pays a similar wage but is better for his mental health.

Ps re the financial planner, I thought they were people you saw to help you choose a specific product eg pension.

What service should I google to get one for general financial help? If anyone has any recommendations that'd be great.

www.wesleyan.co.uk/pensions-and-retirement?gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQiArby5BhCDARIsAIJvjISTZdpPoPgx6s_84YnWErRNE7MmCbsNRVwxj6UGo0gODJ9dAWbYTT4aAq68EALw_wcB

I've had good experiences with Wesleyan.

Rather than delivery driving, why doesn't he just work in the shop?

A friend of mine's adult son did shifts in Waitrose for years while he tried to break into a new profession and he spoke highly of them.

A Celebrant gets paid for each service that they conduct. £200-£500 depending upon what is required.
OP he needs to stay in teaching to fund his training, and stay until he has built up an income as a celebrant.

Most funerals are on weekdays.
However he does need to build the business before he quits.

I find some of the comments around celebrants so rude.
If you don't know what one is or what they do, please don't comment on them.

Absolutely fucking not! Sounds like he’s had an easy ride as it is! My husband started moaning once saying he wanted a career break when we had three young kids. I said okay but if you want to do that I want a divorce first!

My guess is you just knuckle down and get on with stuff op.

I think I would start verbalising about wanting my creative career back so your needs are at least on the table.

I agree that his mental health shouldn't be suffering so his current job clearly isn't working but there's a big difference in moving into a different sphere to protect mental health whilst maintaining family income and arsing around at something that may or may not bring enough money in.

Sorry but he’s just going to have to suck it up like millions have to. The OP has supported him for years. It’s about time he retuned the favour

He continued to work part-time, infrequent jobs, bringing in little money to the household and enjoying days doing creative pursuits with friends.

A few years ago he got a job teaching his creative profession.

And now your kids are at uni? So you changed your career and worked to support you all for years and years, and your h has only worked as a teacher for a few years and he's ready to throw in the towel and expects you to pick up the slack AGAIN??

No way.

He's being a selfish arsed and taking you for granted.

What do YOU want?

And his family can butt out. His decisions don't affect them, but they DO affect you.

IME celebrants get paid about £200 per service, and this includes visiting the family to find out about the deceased, writing the eulogy, planning the service, etc, so not a great hourly rate overall.

I'm sorry OP but it's sad how you find your DH bucking up only in these 'past few years' commendable.
You dont seem to realise just how much you've been screwed over.
With an ageing population funding retirement is an increasingly individual burden. Not just that you're also putting children through uni.
The damage to your finances has already been done you can't make up for all those lost years.
YANBU to be upset.
Maybe a financial planner will give him the reality check needed.

I think I need to work out a way to get him out of this job and into another that pays a similar wage but is better for his mental health.

Read that back. You both should be working this out together.

fcadvice.co.uk

Another financial planner recommendation

@ByAvidMaker yes I do see that the damage has been done. I'm angry and resentful about it. But I was pleasantly surprised when he got a teaching job as I expected him to carry on as he was.

I thought long and hard about leaving him in the past, but for various reasons it was important to me to keep the family together. When he got a full time job and worked hard it was a big improvement to our situation and signified a changed attitude and desire to contribute financially. It was a step in the right direction. But no, it doesn't fully undo my resentment and frustration at what went before, nor did it undo the damage.

While I don’t think it’s right for one partner to put the majority of the work required to bring up their family on the other partner, at the same time I don’t think anyone should expect their partner (or ex) to necessarily maintain (or even jointly) maintain their family in the style they’ve become accustomed to. Yes I would expect my DH to work but whether that was the job he currently does now or a delivery driver on minimum wage is his decision, I don’t understand people who think they are entitled to dictate the type of work//salary (above full time minimum wage or less if they can afford) of their partner. No wonder there are so many failed marriages when people seem to have no regard for their partner’s happiness?

I agree with other posters. Your DH needs to bring in half the bills - no ifs and no buts.

My H thought he'd be able to give up work and live off me once the mortgage is paid off (2 years). I earn a good salary but am not prepared to fully support another adult and told him he had to bring in half the bills - up to him how he does that. Obviously half the bills is significantly less once the mortgage is gone but no way is he sponging off me.

And now he’s reneged even on that. So he didn’t really ever change his attitude. I would seriously rethink the keeping the family together myth, it really doesn’t sound there’s a future here.

I don't think anything is going to get through to him other than 'if that's the way you feel then we will separate and your family can support you in the way that you feel you need, please tell me when you're leaving so we can sort out the logistics'.

He can be a celebrant as well as bring in a wage. It just sounds like he doesn't want to work for the man.

It's hard to tell how justifiable your resentment is. Plenty of generations of men have lived under the expectation of being the breadwinner, and in current times where equality is an aim, there's no reason why women shouldn't be the breadwinner. Except when the man isn't pulling his weight with DC's and housework if working less hours. Basically whoever works lower hours does more at home, that's fair. If he's been doing that, it's all still fair. If he hasn't been doing his fair share in the home, that's not on. Nobody can get away with no work in both areas.