Is he just not that into me?

[Tex111]

Dating for the first time in over 30 years. Been seeing a lovely man for almost six months. He's in Manchester, I'm in London. We see each other most weekends and it's been wonderful. I've fallen in love and the feeling is mutual.

He used to live in London and he said recently that he'd like to catch up with old friends next time he's here since for the last few months he's just been seeing me. I said of course.

He usually stays with me but this weekend he's arranged to stay with friends and is seeing a few people. The thing that I find odd is that he's not going to see me at all. If I was in Manchester, I'd want to see him, even if just for a coffee or a meal. Is that weird or am I being clingy? I

The other element of this is that he's seeing his ex while here. He swears there's no chance of anything untoward happening (they split over a year ago, had a tumultuous two year relationship before that) but he wants to speak to her for some closure as things ended badly between them. I do believe him on this. Is that naive?

I've told him that it hurts that he'll be so close but doesn't want to make the effort to see me. He said he could ring me Sunday and maybe stay here Sunday night, but I don't think he really wants to do that. What does that mean??

This man seems to be very good at word salads and gas lighting OP, and he knows he has you hook, line, sink and you’re going to be waiting for him no matter what word salad he throws at you. Like someone said above: stop listening to his words and start paying attention to his actions. I may or may not dump this guy but I would definable take him with a big pinch of salt because he has more red flags than a commie parade.

Needing to see his ex for 'closure' when he's been seeing you for 6 months? And just last night realizing that it's actually well and truly over? Again, after he's been with you for 6 months? That screams that he's still hung up on her. It's not going to go away overnight as he's only now just realized.

Sounds as if he has some fear of being alone and is keeping you around as Miss Right Now. You deserve so much better than to be a convenient place holder. This makes me feel so sad for you.
If I were you I'd step right back, tell him to heal what he needs to and maybe in the distant future if you're still available to get in touch. Which he wouldn't because if you dump him, he'll be onto the next unsuspecting woman by next week.

If there's one thing I think we can all agree on, its that we're glad the OP didn't meet him for lunch!

As for the "I need 10 mins to process" bullshit, so now he HAS what he needs from his ex and he STILL needs time to figure out his relationship with you? fck that.

If you want to be with someone, you don’t need processing time.

Jesus Op I'm anxious on your behalf....he would drive me mad. I don't understand what on earth he's saying to you I think you need to take some time away from him and focus on yourself more.
I don't understand how that means your playing games or at risk of attracting narcissists....

10 minutes to get his head around the fact that it’s truly over with the ex. Sounds like he’s gutted.

I hope you can see him face to face to discuss this OP. To check his body language and reactions when you ask him some pointed questions.

The ex bit would bother me. The rest not.

Its not appropriate to meet an ex for closure when in a new relationship.

A message of 'I'm in a relationship so further communicatation is not appropriate, but all is forgiven and I wish you all the best' as a reply to them if they get in touch is fine. That's literally it. Anything past that and they are taking the piss out of their current partner.

Is this in some social etiquette book or is it a rule you’ve made up in your head?

No it's just basic respect for your partner.
If you don't have it, don't date.

So basically you made it up in your head. People can meet with ex’s. If you don’t have trust in a relationship you’ve nothing,

'For closure', no. That implies they aren't over that person and feelings are involved.

If an ex happens to be a friend, cool. But not if they aren't over them.

And you never owe disrespectful people trust.

Had a long talk with DP. He reassured me repeatedly that he loves me, is not in love with the ex, and wants for us to move forward together.

But. He's a creative and the ex is going to collaborate on something he made last year about the end of their relationship. I said that I was very uncomfortable with that. That it felt like he was trying to build a new connection with her. He said at the most they might become friends, but he didn't even think that would happen. That there was nothing romantic or sexual between them at all. He was focussed on the work and that it made sense for her to contribute since she features in it.

I am still confused but I was honest about my feelings. I said that I didn't want to feel like second best. I said that the ex was coming between us. He said that he wouldn't let that happen and I told him that he was making it happen.

We talked for two hours then ran out of steam. He said he would think about the things I'd said and we'll talk again tomorrow.

This will mean being in contact with her and most likely seeing her again.

Oh OP. You’ve told him this would make you uncomfortable, he is still going to do it. Listen to your instincts, he is chasing after his ex. Walk away now with your dignity in tact. Let him carry on pining for his ex. It’s not a normal thing to do when you are in a happy relationship.

Re your update OP - he can do what he likes (obviously), so if creating/ collaborating with his ex on something creative (a project?) about the end of their relationship is what he feels he needs to do then so be it. He absolutely should if he feels so strongly about it. But as for you being OK with that... NO.

They're a hot mess these men aren't they?!

I think all you can do is be clear in yourself of what your boundaries are, and how you feel about all this and act according to your boundaries and feelings.

It's all a bit shit really, and it seems like a lot of navel-gazing on his part. Again, fine - he can crack on with that. But really, you don't have to have any part in it.

Has it given you the 'ick'? I think I'd feel really 'urgh' about it all tbh.

Ok OP it’s not us making you anxious here it’s him.

So now he wants to work with his ex (not just get closure which he originally stated), now he wants to collaborate with her on a project together about THEIR RELATIONSHIP? Cue lots of meet ups and reminiscing about the past, right? Maybe wine will be involved…..

Are you fcking kidding me? What next?- he’s going to move in with her to save on rent but don’t worry, he still loves you!

Hes taking you for an absolute mug here. Doesn’t matter what he says- look at his actions, they are all about this stupid ex

It's not even been 6 months yet OP. This should be the honeymoon period, not soul searching, angst and bloody hard work.

Sounds like he’s looking for excuses to keep seeing her. Which he can do, absolutely.
But forcing you into a triangular relationship is not acceptable.

Tell him he has the freedom to do what he wants but he’ll be doing it as a single man.

If you agree to this you know you’ll be stressing and wondering what he’s up to when he’s not with you ?
Not great for a LDR.

All his words of love mean nothing.
Real love means ditching the ex from his life because she upsets you.
You've told him you’re upset but he still wants to go ahead.

I've read your updates and hope you had a great time seeing Nick Cave.

Hm. Much easier to write than enact but I think I would be pushed to draw a line here. Even if this was quite painful.

I don't believe he went to meet his ex for 'closure' at all, or at least in the main. I think it was about this collaboration. I would not be comfortable that he had in mind a creative piece of work about his split with another woman, lied about it and met her to discuss working together on it.

It seems like boundary pushing and an element of dishonesty. You expressed some discomfort at him meeting an ex to discuss their (relatively short) relationship and he has decided to come away with the opposite of closure. He's decided to extend that relationship even if not romantically.

Instead of feeling needy (especially after that shitty comment about feeling obliged to come and see you in London), I would reply coolly that of course you're not comfortable a partner working in close collaboration with a recent ex, especially after he made such a fuss about needing closure. Therefore you'd prefer to leave things between you, let him Go His Own Way and complete this project.

I think you'll thank yourself in the long run rather than worrying what he's talking about with this woman and thinking. Keep your dignity.

So rather than the closure , he will now have more contact with her for this collaboration? And despite you telling him it makes you uncomfortable, he’s gaslighting you and doing it anyway?

Please OP I get it. I came out of a 27 year relationship and got involved with the wrong man because I enjoyed the sex and attention. But I let things limp along for too long and wasted nearly 2 years on what should have been a 3 month fling. And funnily enough there was triangulation involved there with his female ‘bestie’

Your gut talks to you for a reason - hear what it’s saying.

@Tex111 What exactly is there left to talk about?

He tells you he will continue to see his ex over a project about those two being together, you told him you don't like that and feel second best.

End of conversation - he now gets to make a choice, you or her.

He lied about his reasons for seeing his exGF and used you as an excuse to do so. That is manipulation and emotional abuse

It does not take 2 hours to discuss this, that's brow beating, he is desperate to wear you down. More manipulation and emotional abuse.

So what is there left to talk about?

How he will lie to you about not going ahead with the project and now disappear for weekends where you never really know where he is or if he is with her?

How you are putting pressure on him all the time?

Nah, he is not an idiot he is a manipulative abusive man who thinks he has found a nice woman who he can rely on to say yes to anything he wants.

I would not give this man another chance to try and wear me down with hours of talking and declarations of love and promises of going forward.

How on earth can he be going forward with you when he is working on a project about his relationship with another woman, with that other woman.

What was it the greatest love story of all time? No it was a 2 year relationship with a woman he now has no connection with and no reason to see. He is not worthy of you or your time.

Nah, don't give it any more headspace, he has a binary choice it's you or it's her and his "project" but not both. Personally I wouldn't even give him a choice

I think time, knowledge, wisdom and self-awareness are on your side here. You’re quite bruised from your long marriage and the separation is fairly recent when compared with its longevity.

Just from what you’ve written, it does sound like he really cares for you. And I am delighted for you that the sex is fantastic! At 61, dare I say that his exP being 18 years younger may mean that she may now be interested in men her own age?

Sit with things a bit. It’s good you’ve a healthy social calendar to keep you not solely focussed. Don’t write this one off, I’d say. Not yet.

Oh @Tex111 he’s really a piece of work isn’t he?! There is not a single man on this planet who wants to be in touch with an ex unless a) they have children b) he still wants sex from her or c) he still wants to be with her.

He’s giving you every reason to walk away but not a single damn reason to trust him. Please protect your heart ❤️‍🩹

I'm sorry, what?

They're going to collaborate on a creative project about their relationship?

In what way is that closure? It's the opposite of closure!