Is he just not that into me?

[Tex111]

Dating for the first time in over 30 years. Been seeing a lovely man for almost six months. He's in Manchester, I'm in London. We see each other most weekends and it's been wonderful. I've fallen in love and the feeling is mutual.

He used to live in London and he said recently that he'd like to catch up with old friends next time he's here since for the last few months he's just been seeing me. I said of course.

He usually stays with me but this weekend he's arranged to stay with friends and is seeing a few people. The thing that I find odd is that he's not going to see me at all. If I was in Manchester, I'd want to see him, even if just for a coffee or a meal. Is that weird or am I being clingy? I

The other element of this is that he's seeing his ex while here. He swears there's no chance of anything untoward happening (they split over a year ago, had a tumultuous two year relationship before that) but he wants to speak to her for some closure as things ended badly between them. I do believe him on this. Is that naive?

I've told him that it hurts that he'll be so close but doesn't want to make the effort to see me. He said he could ring me Sunday and maybe stay here Sunday night, but I don't think he really wants to do that. What does that mean??

So you’d be ok with your DP meeting up with an ex “for closure” even though he knew you were uncomfortable with it and then turning it into a “collaboration” about their relationship?! 🤦🏻‍♀️

Some women would be cool with her partner working with the ex (me), but some women will not, I believe you belong to the latter. There’s no right or wrong here, but keep in mind you’re going to be worried for a long time about him interacting with the ex, it’s going to take a lot of space in your head and there’s going to be conflict and fights.

It’s up to you to decide if you want to live like this.

Eww.

He sounds like a player but a player in sheep’s clothing. Difficult to spot but a player nonetheless. He’s selfish too.

Id never ask a man “so what does that mean for us”. It’s so bloody clingy and desperate. Do you have no self worth? It’s such a turn off. Sorry but if a man said that to me I’d want to run. I don’t want a needy limpet. I want someone who knows their own worth and walks if I don’t respect them.

Really OP I think you need counselling to set some clear boundaries around who you give your heart out to.

Very sorry for the harsh words but I think this man may hurt you badly further down the line if you don’t draw some lines with him right now.

You say what you’ll tolerate and what you won’t. And then it’s up to him to decide. And you walk away if he can’t give you the level or commitment that feels right for you. For you. Not him. And not anyone else.

For the record I would not be cool a) with meeting an ex for a closure convo- what is he? 17? Grow up FFS

b) him working with his ex

Boundaries OP. Claim and stake your worth. No one else will do it for you. Grow a pair.

Sorry, but this sounds like the biggest load of bollocks. Closure would be to cut ties and leave every aspect of the relationship behind. Instead he is choosing to re-hash, analyse, document - what the fuck ever you want to call it - the relationship all under the guise of an art project.
I'd put money on him having propositioned the ex with trying again and when that failed he asked her to work with him on letting go of the relationship through this bollocks artwork - all the while hoping that she will change their mind during the process.

He really is awful and what he has said about the creative project is utter rubbish. He's concocted it so that he gets to spend more time with her. What a load of rubbish.

How do you know that the project even exists or existed when they were together? Did he meet up with her and suggest this project in order to see her again?

Why on earth do they have to be friends? They don't have kids together and live no where near to each other. His behaviour is creepy and disrespectful to you.

I’m afraid this man sounds to me like a pompous self-obsessed bellend. Don’t give him an ultimatum to choose between you and his tedious creative project about his breakup. Just get out. Honestly. Find someone less convinced of how desperately interesting he is. You’ll have a much better time.

Whatever you decide, please know that there was no need to seek closure in this case. It was a short relationship (you've both been married decades previously) and he was with you happily. If any confusion was outstanding, it would have been appropriate to go through it with a therapist or maybe a good friend, not to meet the ex in person and certainly not to organise an ongoing relationship of sorts. Please don't be persuaded by him that this is something you need be cool with.

Can't sleep from thinking about this. I was overlooked in my marriage for a long time, so I know this is touching what is still an open wound. I'd like to be with someone now who really cares for me, who prioritises me and my feelings. Not above his own all the time, but enough that I feel safe and cherished. I'm not feeling that with DP. Not at all.

I'm asking myself if I'm being over sensitive because of my past. If I'm overreacting. In a way, maybe that doesn't matter. This is where I am, this is what I need. I've said this to DP. I've said that he's losing me. I've said that I thought he was seeking an ending with the ex, not a new chapter. I haven't given him an ultimatum because I think that would be very unhealthy, and I'd like to give him the chance to do right by me.

The work exists. I've seen it and it's very beautiful. It's about, love, loss, disillusionment. He performed it twice this year, so it's an ongoing thing. He does seem to see it more impersonally than I would, like a finished thing outside himself, but it's a very personal work.

I take the point about boundaries and knowing my worth. This is definitely an issue. I am seeing a counselor and I feel like I've come a long way but there's obviously still plenty of work to do.

Oh op you know what you need to do
He's going to drive you insane with this bullshit
Better to get out now before this causes you some serious psychological damage
Needs to collaborate with his ex on some arty farty bollocks surrounding the end of their relationship?
What the absolute fuck
He's creative with his cheating I'll give him that

Even if his creative project with his ex is true, and no romantic feelings are involved, ultimately he’s disregarding your feelings about it, which you clearly stated (well done for doing so!). He has the right to follow his artistic path if he so chooses, but in doing so he may lose you.
Don’t let the ‘creativity’ bs gaslight you. He can be creative without hurting your feelings.

If he truly values your relationship he won’t take that risk. Unless he yet another selfish old man, and in that case the sooner he disappears from your life the better.

I feel that the DP is setting things up so that he has all the power in this relationship, he's pulling all the strings and slowing drip feeding unsettling bits of information and subtle negging comments. The result of this behaviour is quite clear, it’s making OP miserable. I think he’s enjoying the power trip, how is he getting away with this? Is he ridiculously handsome? He doesn’t seem to be acting like a man who is grateful to have found a wonderful partner more like a Mick Jagger type who thinks women are lining up for him. I think he could drive you crazy over time, maybe time to cut your loses? Sending hugs.

ps. If this was a genuinely nice, trustworthy man you wouldn’t be feeling like this. He's toying with your emotions because it suits him. As others said, he’s a big phoney and his actions don't match his words.
Would you treat anyone like this OP? I don’t think for a minute that you would because you know it’s cruel. Time to break the spell! He was a good distraction but he lacks moral fibre.

OP you’ve probably had no sleep on your own weekend.
This man didn’t see this ex for closure but to reopen his link to her via this creative project. I am a creative. But I can tell you when I met my DP and we were ready to be in a relationship I would have dropped a project collaborating with an ex. I can always create something else. It’s about respect.
He is a man in his 60’s behaving like an overgrown teenager. He has this much younger ex involved in this project, and you there now in turmoil.
Words are words. You have been through a lot in your marriage. Learn from it. You are not too sensitive. You have emotional intelligence and intuition.
You have come so far since, but if it were me I would step away.
Through this relationship you have learned a lot of positives, too.
But this man is putting himself first and first alone. He sounds like he is lost up his own backside.
You are worth more.
Find yourself a grown up who appreciates you.

Not sure if this has been asked but is this ex the affair partner from the breakup with the mother of his children? Did he cheat on his long term partner? The dates seem to match this!

Sorry but he does sound like an advanced level manipulator.

This man is playing you like a tuba

He didn't meet up for closure, he met up to discuss this collaboration. The closure bit was just a line to ease you into the idea of it. He is playing in your face

He frankly sounds unbearable. Pretentious, untrustworthy and full of his own importance. This man will break your heart if you let this continue. His words to you do not match his actions. He is full of hot air and probably throughly enjoying the fact you are so into him and desperate for his love.

You've just come out of a terrible marriage. Please don't get any deeper into a relationship that will ruin your self esteem.

Oh and it's never a good sign when a man has you wondering if you're too sensitive. It's never over sensitivity, it's your inner instinct telling you something is wrong. Just women are conditioned by society not to listen to it.

Wow, @Tex111. His ‘closure’ shtick was clearly a ruse for your benefit so that he could spend time with his Ex to nail down his continued investment in her — a collaboration about their relationship, which will surely be infused with emotion. He claims to be ‘clearing a path to you’, but is actually clearing a path to her.

This guy is an ace manipulator and you two women are his narcissistic supply. His wants/needs are front and center, so your feelings and boundaries are inconsequential for him. He talks a good game, but it’s lip service.

@Tex111, if you continue with him, you will never have peace of mind.

I'm so sorry you are in turmoil about this- it's obviously bringing up lots of negative feelings about the way you've been treated before. I think you have already answered your own question, that you want someone who 'prioritises you and your feelings'. Just because he's an artist, it's not an excuse to plough ahead anyway (and I'm sure if the boot were on the other foot he'd be the same). Listen to your gut and observe his response to your feelings x

So he lied about going to see her for closure?

You’re not ‘over sensitive’. You’re reacting to your feelings being trampled on. That’s normal. It hurts, but it’s not you that’s the problem here.

Don’t throw good money after bad.

OP- you arent overreacting, many of us have said in this thread it would make us entirely uncomfortable and we wouldnt be ok with it. In fact most of us said we'd walk away from this mess.

I am dubious about his real motives for seeing the ex now, he framed it as a one time thing for closure but now he's collaborating with her. Why?- if you need closure you dont get that after a difficult relationship by then choosing to prolong the time you spend with that person and collaborating with them over your past relationship. If he's performed this project a few times already he doesnt need her to be involved- it's fine as it is. So, that begs the question, why does he want her to be involved suddenly now?

I now think this was his motive all along- it sounds like he is obsessed with her and will grab any chance he can to spend time with her. The very fact he created an entire project over their relationship indicates it is the largest thing in his emotional landscape right now- it's gigantic and huge for him whilst you appear to be on the peripheral sidelines. I'd also be wary of him triangulating you with her which is a classic narc move.

I'm afraid I think that if she were to suddenly change her mind about him, he would go for it. Also interesting that he felt pressured by you to spend time with you and yet this ex will get all the time she wants apparently with him to work on this project. Of course he will deny all of this and claim that there is no sexual attraction there but he has to say that otherwise you'd walk away so it benefits him to lie about it.

I agree with PP- focus on his actions, not his words. Words are cheap and easy to say, look at what people actually do if you want a real insight into how they genuinely feel.

Well your latest post changes everything OP, there's nothing but heart ache ahead with this one. Protect yourself.

Bin him.

Well if it's a completed piece already performable, surely he doesn't need to see her at all? If he wants to continue working with her it's because he wants to, knowing that it may be to the detriment of his current relationship.

I don't think you're oversensitive in any way for this to ring alarm bells if five minutes ago he didn't have closure from their relationship. If they'd once dated for a year, moved on and were now friendly and in the same area of the arts, that may be different.

I think with someone like this it's worth protecting yourself and making a decisive move rather than sticking it out and being hurt or pushing him to make a decision in your favour. He may do so this time but It'll be something else if he's talking about feeling pressure to see you and manufacturing this drama with his ex.

Oh OP after your latest update you really need to end this for your own peace of mind.

There shouldn’t be this much angst and drama 6 months in. Nothing he says or foes bodes well for a happy, contented, peaceful relationship. You’re not being over sensitive. Anyone telling you that is trampling over your feelings because you’re reacting to their shoddy behaviour.

IMO he seems like a pretentious, self absorbed, pompous man who plays with words to twist the truth. Hrs not over his ex - I’m sorry but that much is obvious and this collaboration is an excuse to continue contact.

Don’t be the pick me girl or his back up plan. Take control and tell him it’s over before he breaks your heart.

Well if it's a completed piece already performable, surely he doesn't need to see her at all? If he wants to continue working with her it's because he wants to, knowing that it may be to the detriment of his current relationship

This. Also, why are you worried about being too sensitive? this is a guy who took his emo break up diary from a short relationship and turned it into a public performance to show the entire world- if that isnt "sensitive" I dont know what is!

Also, the irony of calling his art disillusionment when he's treating you like second best! He clearly thinks that his feelings are all important but yours are not.

Really think about that- his art is all about his own pain and suffering in love but he doesnt seem to care that you are now hurting....