Is he just not that into me?

[Tex111]

Dating for the first time in over 30 years. Been seeing a lovely man for almost six months. He's in Manchester, I'm in London. We see each other most weekends and it's been wonderful. I've fallen in love and the feeling is mutual.

He used to live in London and he said recently that he'd like to catch up with old friends next time he's here since for the last few months he's just been seeing me. I said of course.

He usually stays with me but this weekend he's arranged to stay with friends and is seeing a few people. The thing that I find odd is that he's not going to see me at all. If I was in Manchester, I'd want to see him, even if just for a coffee or a meal. Is that weird or am I being clingy? I

The other element of this is that he's seeing his ex while here. He swears there's no chance of anything untoward happening (they split over a year ago, had a tumultuous two year relationship before that) but he wants to speak to her for some closure as things ended badly between them. I do believe him on this. Is that naive?

I've told him that it hurts that he'll be so close but doesn't want to make the effort to see me. He said he could ring me Sunday and maybe stay here Sunday night, but I don't think he really wants to do that. What does that mean??

I definitely do not want to play games. I want to be honest about my feelings but I also want to protect myself from unnecessary pain. I'm not sure quite how to strike that balance, like about seeing him today, but not ditching my friends feels like the right thing to do. If he really wants to see me if can catch a later train.

I can't believe he snapped at you for wanting some reassurance after he met his ex. At that point, I hope I would have told him (if I was you) that he had a lot longer than ten minutes to process things because I was done.

His wording of telling you that his relationship is well and truly over is not good. It sounds like he WAS hoping for a reconciliation with his ex.

I'm so glad that you're not meeting him for lunch.

the relationship is well and truly over

Very telling that after six months with the OP he needed to meet tue exGF to get the above estabilished.

OP can decided what she will do and how she should do it. I guess she came here for different opinions and will choose what resonates best.

And yes I agree. It could be used or seens as manipulation. But only if you already have strong narcissisistic tendencies.

When it is coming / happening naturally because you are a self assured woman who values yourself and your time and your energy and know you will be ok without the man because if he is not meeting your needs he simply is not the right person for you, then it is not manipulation, it is simply how it goes.

ie: me personally would be so busy this morning I’d not have time for his call. And even if I was not busy, I’d not be in the mood to hear about his shenaningans with the ex when he needs his closure to decide where I stand. I would be so turned off by this whole situation that I’d naturally need some time away from him to re-balance myself. And especially if I have friends visiting and had fun last night. His drama would be the last thing I’d want to be involved in on my precious Sunday.

It is natural for some women, others have to learn. I had to learn after many hard lessons. It works for me and I can only speak from my experience.

The trouble is your relationship with him has been on his terms and still is.

He came down to see his ex.
Whatever happened, you’ll never know. But suddenly, far from feeling “ pressured” to see you, he now wants you to meet him for lunch, thinking you’ll drop everything to see him.

I’m getting the vibe you were an option. The other option didn’t work out so he’s going forward with you now.

This

The pleass give me 10 minutes to process was horrible

Why did he call then?
To secure OP’s commitment now that the ex gave him closure (not interested in him what so ever)? she maybe met him out of pity

It is all on his terms and he treats OP like the fall back girl

OP - you deserve better

Hmm I’m not getting good vibes here OP. Hes ‘got what he needed’ from his and the relationship well and truly over - well that should be the case BEFORE he started dating you.

And now he can’t give you reassurance without needing time to process and after previously not having time to see you this weekend, suddenly he’s found free time and thinks you should jump when he says so.

Agree with a PO it’s all about him, what HE wants and what HE needs.

When it’s this much drama early on it’s really not worth pursuing

The shitty behaviour on his part is not dealing with his need for closure before meeting you. Again, 6 months in is a bit weird.

At least ask him this. Why 6 months ?
You have a right to know.

How would he feel if it was you seeing an ex 6 months into your relationship ?

So not once in the last six months did you realise he had unfinished business elsewhere. I don't think you should end it OP, but I do think you should be wary.
He's not exactly an open book, is he?

Having read all your posts I think you are handling things really well and looking after yourself by reconnecting with your friends and your own life. I think if your DP is being honest then you will both have gained great strength from this weekend apart. In a good relationship you will always make time for your own activities and friends. More difficult when in an LDR. Ultimately LDRs don't work, but that's a discussion for you both to have when you are ready.

Things, not The Hinges!!!

If you stay together, how do you see this LDR panning out long term?
Would you relocate to be with him or is he in a position to move nearer you?
LDRs definitely have a shelf life. Is this something you have ever discussed? Maybe not at only six months in though but have you personally thought about it?

I am sorry OP but I dont think this is going anywhere. Why did he need reassurance from the ex after a YEAR of being apart that it was definitely over? he should have ascertained that before he started dating someone new.

As for the "I need 10 mins to process" bullshit, so now he HAS what he needs from his ex and he STILL needs time to figure out his relationship with you? fck that.

Also, before, you were "pressuring him" to see him but now the ex has said no to a reconciliation he suddenly wants to meet for lunch?

Huge red flags waving all about here. He's dangling you as an option because the ex has said no, and he wants to keep you hanging so he isnt alone.

I predict that when you do meet up he'll be complimentary enough to keep you invested enough to stay with him but he'll be non committal about future plans. Eg "Seeing my ex stirred up so much stuff, but I really like you, I want us to keep seeing each other but I need more space to work out my feelings" etc blah blah blah which essentially means, I will be dictating when we see each other but I'm keeping my options open.

He'll throw you enough crumbs to keep you dangling but he wont commit to anything solid.

The more you post about him, the more he seems like a manipulative arsehole.

I think he's being unfair and quite ridiculous - he could simply go out for a walk and then call you.

Why is he dragging it out? Why is he unable to simply communicate with you now, clearly? It's all about him. I don't like the sound of him, sorry.

I just read all your updates and I think it's over.

If the ex had said she wanted to get back together he would have jumped at it like a shot and you'd be history. He wouldnt be whining at her about pressuring him to see her or telling her he needed time to process would he?

I'm not saying this to hurt you or be unkind, but because I think you deserve way better than this twat who is constantly messing you around.

You have value. You deserve someone who chooses you.

Re read this OP.

His has revealed his true head space going into the meet with his ex.

He wasn't sure it was over, apparently it is now.🙄

I think whether you want to accept it or not, you could well be the "good enough for now" person for him.

AKA a complete waste of YOUR time.

How dare he now assume you're free for lunch when he had been clear about not having time for you. It sounds like his meeting with his ex didn't go as well as he'd hoped and his self-esteem has been dented. I would be very wary moving forward. Actions speak louder than words. You sound like a lovely, sorted person and you don't deserve to be messed around.

THIS. Originally he was saying he could maybe see you Sunday evening but now the ex has slammed the final nail in the coffin he's suddenly free for lunch. Funny that.

How dare he indeed. Agree with PP. You. Deserve. Better.

The best advice I’ve been given is, “ to ignore what people say and focus on what they do”. So, I’d be careful getting any further involved with this guy.

Big red flags 🚩 This guy was in a toxic relationship with some woman for two years yet after ONE YEAR of the break up he needs to meet her for lunch in order to get ‘closure’? I would understand the need for a ‘meet up to ‘sort things out’ if this had been a 10 year marriage who shared a mortgage and a child, but not a two year casual relationship that ended a year ago. He is not over the ex and it’s going to be difficult for him to move on because he hasn’t healed yet, he’s confused. The ex probably told him she doesn’t want to get back but thank god he has you on the back burner! This man is confused and sounds like an emotional toddler.

The thing that I would not be prepared to put up with is him very clearly communicating to you that he is not over his ex.

It sounds to me that he is creating distance between the two of you so that he can try to reignite things with her. This exact situation was done to me. The guy in question was running between me and her. Every time it went wrong with her, he came back to me. I never knew this until much later, of course.

My theory is that he thought he was meeting the ex & would spend today with her. She said no so now he’s at a loose end & wNts to have lunch with OP.

It really shouldn’t be this hard at this stage . He’s not someone who will cherish you.

Oh he is definitely unexpectedly at a sudden loose end, THAT is clear.

Actions not words, are what counts.
We teach people how to treat us.

OP, so many posters are warning you to open your eyes to his actions, and forget his words.

He had zero interest in seeing you this weekend when he thought he was double checking where he stood with his ex.

Don't be foolish and think otherwise.
He's a head wreck, completely suiting himself.

Thank you everyone for your posts. This thread is starting to increase my anxiety so I'm going to step away from it for a bit. I've read all the posts and see the red flags, but I want to have a proper conversation with DP before I make any decisions. We've arranged to speak tonight and I will report back. I know how frustrating it can be not to know how a situation resolves.

That is disappointing OP and I feel for you right now.

Only you know what you need and want to do about this situation. Like @Joystir59 I think you are handling it really well. It's so tempting to want to sort it out but you are right to not drop everything just because he finds himself free when previously he wasn't, you have guests, it is definitely not convenient. Your friends are as important as him especially int he early stages of a relationship.

It won't hurt for him to go home and lick his wounds over not getting your time today. That's not playing games or manipulating him, it's giving him the 10 minutes space he asked you for.

I don't think you're naive at all. I think you're doing very well and sound self-aware, and wise to step away. It's all gone okay by the sounds of it and could amount to no more than a minor wrinkle swiftly dealt with, so no need to be fuelling those lurking anxieties. Enjoy the rest of the weekend with your friends.