Is he just not that into me?

[Tex111]

Dating for the first time in over 30 years. Been seeing a lovely man for almost six months. He's in Manchester, I'm in London. We see each other most weekends and it's been wonderful. I've fallen in love and the feeling is mutual.

He used to live in London and he said recently that he'd like to catch up with old friends next time he's here since for the last few months he's just been seeing me. I said of course.

He usually stays with me but this weekend he's arranged to stay with friends and is seeing a few people. The thing that I find odd is that he's not going to see me at all. If I was in Manchester, I'd want to see him, even if just for a coffee or a meal. Is that weird or am I being clingy? I

The other element of this is that he's seeing his ex while here. He swears there's no chance of anything untoward happening (they split over a year ago, had a tumultuous two year relationship before that) but he wants to speak to her for some closure as things ended badly between them. I do believe him on this. Is that naive?

I've told him that it hurts that he'll be so close but doesn't want to make the effort to see me. He said he could ring me Sunday and maybe stay here Sunday night, but I don't think he really wants to do that. What does that mean??

Yes, that sounds good.

Good luck, I hope things work out well for you x

I’ve been in kind of similar

Had a thing with a guy who was the absolute worst person for me and it took me a long long time to find closure - had thoughts of pursuing him for closure but thank God never actually did

When I thought I finally had closure, I met my current guy. He is wonderful. He is everything I always wished for as if he was designed for me but…he lacks a certain ‘je ne sais quoi’ that the other guy has and that is what hooked me to the other guy in the first place - - I spent a long time trying to get the final bit of closure in my own mind and heart knowing that the other guy was only a unhealed part of me and a super projection - a teenage dream

I stuck with my current guy and I have no regrets. I have zero wishes or desire to see the other guy - not even accidentally - and if it ever happens I feel I will treat him like an acquaintance.

My current guy don’t know anything about it. It never affected him. I’m glad I never brought it up as it was a private mattter from my past that I had to deal with in my own way.

Our stories differ a bit but if I were you, I’d give this man a lot more space, cool it down, focus on me, get a new hobby, get a make over, find new passions and definitely slow things down by a lot while raising the bar ever so slightely each time we interact - he will not value you or respect you otherwise
You have to literally become detached and unbothered but not in a cold and dismissive way - it is a fine line - but he needs to feel that you are good with him and wonderful without him - he can see friends, exes, whatever but if he steps out of the line and if you feel mistreated or taken for granted you are simply gone - no warning, no 2nd chance, zero drama.

Also be clear with yourself what do you want out of a LDR? Is this sustainable for both of you?

I really hate the "you're putting pressure on me". You aren't. You are expressing a really reasonable desire in a sensible way. It's not clingy or needy.

Truthfully I still was holding a torch for a (in hindsight) very unsuitable guy who I’d had an intense thing with; when I met my now DP. There was some overlap of feelings but I realised at some point that what I had with DP was more real and ran more deep than the short lived intense and slightly love bomby thing with the previous person,

things aren’t always neat and tidy. He might have complicated feelings in relation to his ex but that doesn’t mean it’s not right with you:

however it does ring some alarm bells that he’s being so intense and talking about soulmates and stuff yet doesn’t want to even try and see you this weekend (to be clear I don’t think that’s a massive issue just not very consistent with what he’s professing to be feeling!)

And I too had a relationship with someone who claimed "pressure" and drove the entire relationship. Honestly, I adored him, and probably could have stayed with him if I had banged to the beat of his drum, but he wasn't the one. I would've been suppressing my needs the entire time. Now I'm in a relationship where it's not as exciting but we discuss things and he would never claim "stop presuring me" and meet up with an ex. You sound so nice. I think you need someone as nice.

Yes you do sound nice OP

I don't quite get what everyone saying 'he's up to something, he'd never just want closure with an ex' want you to do.

If he's that into his ex, then whatever you do won't really matter, he'll go back there. In fact, clinging onto him trying to convince him to ignore her won't work. So what if he goes there and works it out for himself. As long as he's honest and doesn't cheat and doesn't hurt you, I think it may even work to your advantage in the long-run and if it doesn't, and he does want to go back there, better to know that now.

You can't ban him from going, it would be a bit premature to dump him when he hasn't done anything, and you've expressed your own feelings on the matter.

What will be will be and I think realising you are losing yourself a bit is a good thing, you can now self-correct. Perhaps he's realised the same himself and wants to finish that chapter of his life and move on. Perhaps he won't. Either way, I think you have done the only possible thing you could have done, and perhaps it will also cure you from living what is almost a fantasy intense life with this man in which no-one else matters.

'Closure'.

Ridiclious.

He's hoping to get his leg over and keeping you as back up.

No reason to be meeting exs when you're in a new relationship. Let alone one you've been in for 6 months.

He's a big phony.

DP texted around midnight saying he was back at his friend's house and 'everything is okay so sleep well'. He said he'll ring me in the morning. Feels slightly ominous but I guess I'll just have to wait and see what he has to say about seeing the ex.

Nick Cave was great. Friends are staying over and we're going out tomorrow.

Bitesthedust and User364837, thanks for sharing your experiences. I haven't experienced this kind of thing. You don't regret choosing the person you felt less passionate about? I'm afraid that DP is talking himself into me. He once said that he thinks I'm good for him. That made me feel like a multivitamin, not a lover. In my marriage I often felt overlooked and taken for granted. I'd like to find someone who adores and cherishes me. I'm just wondering if I'll ever have that with DP.

It’s quite simple OP, is this man giving you what you need? Love wise and emotional wise? Is he giving you support? Is this geographical issue sustainable on the long run? Who cares how you make him feel, care about how he makes YOU feel, it all comes down to that. Sounds a bit like you’re playing the ‘pick me’ game with him and we know how that goes..

My DH said the same thing and that is also what I thought before DH chimed in.

Thing is, he can think his feelings for his ex were a kind of madness, but in our culture there is a lot of store set by that kind of extreme emotion. I would be wary. Words are cheap.

@BetterInColour I don't quite get what everyone saying 'he's up to something, he'd never just want closure with an ex' want you to do.

Can't speak for the others but I wanted to suggest the OP be very wary of this man and his reasoning, something sounds off. It's a horrible confusing situation. Seeing friends is healthy, taking a break from endless rounds of weekends away is healthy, all that bit is fine, no issues there.

ExGF, by his own words, isn't a friend, and he's couching his reasoning to take EXGF out for the evening as, (and let's face it this is a bold brave stance), a benefit to the OP. It is not.

He is claiming it's only a psychological need, he isn't interested in ex at all, it's all about the OP, by using therapy speak to justify him taking his ex out for drinks. How often this will happen while DP and EXGF thrash out their individual needs for "closure" is anyone guess but this is the beginning of a new phase in OPs relationship with DP and again the OP has every right to tread carefully and not become so heavily involved or take a step back.

To an outsider this looks like manipulation and emotional abuse. "It's all for you love, I told you about it, don't complain eh?" Of course I could easily be wrong I don't know the man but I've met people who say these things, could be a coincidence.

If it is not manipulation, he could just be a thoughtless idiot, then this man has serious boundary issues regarding other women outside his relationships with any partner. Again I could easily be wrong, I don't know the man but I've met people who do this, again could be a coincidence.

You are right of course, you can't stop him doing anything he likes and there is nothing to OP can do other than to either accept it, be wary and watchful, or walk away. It's great she is catching up with a friend this weekend and taking a bit of a step back over the next few weeks. The whole thing sounds awful think the op protecting her emotions and taking a break from this man will be more healthy for her in the long run and absolutely the right things to do.

She sounds lovely and deserves to have a good DP whoever that is I wish her well and hope the best that can be will be for her

Samanthablues, I was just laying here in bed thinking the same thing about the whole 'pick me' thing. The dynamic sucks. I'll see what he says tomorrow but if there's any more confusion or he says he needs to see the ex again I'll just remove myself from the equation. I'll be very sad for the relationship to end but I need to pick myself.

As for the LDR, it's something we've discussed. He has some flexibility with his work and could live part time in London while renting a room from a friend in Manchester when he needs to be there. Ultimately, his goal is to come back to London but it's dependant on work.

Fuck that.
I would ghost this loser.
Haven't you looked at Chumplady yet?

I would absolutely hate this and probably would have bailed before he has chance to inevitably chuck me for his ex
I really feel like your relationships hangs on whatever she decided last night
And if it carries on as normal you'll never know if that's because she knocked him back or if he was being genuine

I really feel like your relationships hangs on whatever she decided last night
And if it carries on as normal you'll never know if that's because she knocked him back or if he was being genuine

Exactly this. I cant understand why some people are saying seeing the ex for closure is no big deal- the way he has phrased it is that her response will affect how he goes forward with the OP. Thats hardly fair to the OP, and I dont like the terms he is using either. The ex was a type of "madness" but the OP is "good for him". FFS. That makes it sound like the ex was a juicy burger with all the trimmings whilst the OP is a piece of bloody steamed broccoli.

I dont want to be anyone's broccoli thank you.

Yes this.

I wouldn't be anyone's sloppy seconds.
Fuck him and the horse he rode in on.

You are getting wise advice.
You are nervous and anxious because his behaviour is making your gut warn you that it is not right.

You feel confused because he is giving you the run a round.
I certainly would be detaching.

Being good for someone is not a compliment.

I might be naive but I really don't think he saw the ex to try to sleep with her or reconcile with her. I'm not saying it's impossible that they wouldn't have had sex, but I don't think that's the case.

I believe him when he says it's resolving something once and for all.

I think his goal is a healthy relationship, which is something I want too. His use of words isn't great though. I feel like we're both stumbling and the questions I'm asking myself this morning are, is this relationship still making me happy? Am I feeling loved and wanted?

I think the distance has been fine because neither of us might be ready for a full on relationship.

In my case, my current guy is the one adoring and cherishing me but he doesn’t know I was still working on closure when I met him so I guess it never affected him at all. I don’t regret being with him because he is absolutely amazing. Yes, there is less passion but it feels stable and solid. I know I can count on him, I know he will be there.
There was lots of passion with the other guy, but he was volatile and unreliable. I was always in doubt if his passion would be on or off next day.
I’m much happier now because it feels I’m the one choosing, not my hormones. I feel better being rational rather than emotional.

In your case, the problem is that he told you about the closure and he went to see the ex. That is hard to deal with.

I guess you just have to ride the wave now and see what happens but you need to flip the script, so he will be the one working for you and the relationship, he needs to win you over again.

In your shoes, I’d do a reset. Honestly.
Starting with not being available for his phone call in the morning. Let him simmer. Let he wonder if he messed up. You tell him when you can talk, when he can call you.
Maybe mid afternoon, maybe evening.

And then make the relationship casual again. So he has to work to get it serious if he wants to. He doesn’t even have to know this is what you are doing. Just show him with your actions. End of the year, you are busy with festivities. It is the perfect time.

I know it sounds like games, but unfortunately that is how it works. Men likes to feel they are getting something unique, special and scarce. It is fucked up but is true. You can give him that feeling and still be an amazing partner if you play it right. Then you will have a good relationship (with him if this one is salvageable) or with the next. If you play it wrong you will probably be a toxic partner (like the ex). If you don’t play at all then you will be like you fear: talked into being with, overlooked, taken for granted, just there because.

It is like politics - the winning party is not the sensible one with the best policies - is the one who knows how to play right with the voters emotions - after the election is won, they can be a good govnmt or a bad one.

That is life.

He rang and we talked, but briefly. He said he got what he needed from the ex, the relationship is well and truly over and he can move forwards. I asked what that meant for us and he said 'give me ten minutes to process please'. Which isn't reassuring.

He did say he'd like to see me and asked if I was free for lunch. He's going back to Manchester today. I said my friends are here and it's not convenient. I do feel turn as I really want to see him, but I also don't want to be at his beck and call.

He said it was hard to talk properly as he's at his friend's house and we could talk later. That was it. I feel very dissatisfied.

So basically you’re advising the OP to play ‘hard to get’ which is a text book female manipulation technique that predators and narcissistic types love. This man is already attracted to her, she doesn’t need to learn any more ‘sexy dynamics’ to get him hooked on her, what she needs to figure out is if he’s good for her and if he deserves her precious time and energy. It’s sad to read all this ‘pick me’ comments offering the OP advice on how to get him more “hooked”.

OP I would be pulling back at this stage and giving him space. I would be less available as he seems to have shifted the power dynamic into his court and you need to pull it back. Don’t ask anything more about his ex or his commitment to you. Pull back, cool off, let him chase you. Or bin him off if you don’t want to have to play games. There will be other nice men who won’t lead you on a merry dance.

I think it’s good that your friends are with you and you’re not available. Take the space, see how you feel in a few days. He can work out his own feelings too but you need to focus on yourself. There are other men, he is not the be-all and end-all.