Is he just not that into me?

[Tex111]

Dating for the first time in over 30 years. Been seeing a lovely man for almost six months. He's in Manchester, I'm in London. We see each other most weekends and it's been wonderful. I've fallen in love and the feeling is mutual.

He used to live in London and he said recently that he'd like to catch up with old friends next time he's here since for the last few months he's just been seeing me. I said of course.

He usually stays with me but this weekend he's arranged to stay with friends and is seeing a few people. The thing that I find odd is that he's not going to see me at all. If I was in Manchester, I'd want to see him, even if just for a coffee or a meal. Is that weird or am I being clingy? I

The other element of this is that he's seeing his ex while here. He swears there's no chance of anything untoward happening (they split over a year ago, had a tumultuous two year relationship before that) but he wants to speak to her for some closure as things ended badly between them. I do believe him on this. Is that naive?

I've told him that it hurts that he'll be so close but doesn't want to make the effort to see me. He said he could ring me Sunday and maybe stay here Sunday night, but I don't think he really wants to do that. What does that mean??

Yes, or it's the beginning of pulling away now that the ex is in the frame again.

Had a nice night out. Talked it over with my friend. I'm sure I'll be OK, but it's probably going to suck for a while.

Whatever reasons for no contact today is of no consequence. Ignore that, it doesn't matter it's just background noise.

Get some rest and stop focussing on hoping for something that is completely out of your control, it will all look much better in a few days. Put events in place to look forward to.

Everything that happens just is. It is not sad, it is no loss, it is not something to lose sleep over, it is just something that happens. Everything gets sorted out in its own time you can't hurry it along.

Change your compass points, don't spend time looking back, look forwards and it will change the tone of your stories. Someone changes plans, then its a chance to do something fun, exciting, or relaxing, if someone walks away, then there is an opening for a shiny new relationship or a more freedom to do what makes you happy. Lets face it you have had two pleasant evenings reconnecting with friends and seeing a concert, that's not sad, it is joyful, making memories and connections with a wider social circle do more of that.

Quickest way to blow away the blues is to get back to normal with your social circle and meeting new people, that's good, healthy and fun. Focus on increasing your self esteem it sounds rock bottom.

You matter, you really do but you are putting yourself into a position where you disappear into the background. If you want to be treated well don't just say it, make sure it is in all your actions too. Otherwise you will always come third because that's exactly where you are putting yourself. You can rewrite your story and change the tone to get something so much better than feeling like you do right now.

Why on earth are you tolerating this man child? First time dating in 30 years, I'm going to hazard a guess you're too old to be tolerating this complete nonsense.

Is your self esteem low, OP?

He's taking you for a mug - whether he's hoping for more with the ex or not. Throw this one back. He will not make you happy.

I think your email to him sounds like you're dumping him and honestly I think you need to roll with that

He has a daughter in London and friends so I get why he might want to spend time with them and not necessarily have time to see you as well. The needing closure with his ex would worry me more. Why does he need anything from her if he has moved on?

Please @Tex111 stop being so gullible and believing all these yarns he's spinning. You're reporting his words as if they are facts, and they are highly likely to be his spin on things to make it sound better.

staying with his daughter
getting closure from his ex
wanting to be in your area "without the pressure of seeing you" wtf??! If he's like this now, when you're meant to be in the honeymoon stage, heaven knows how bad it's going to get.

please, see the red flags and act on them. Get him out of your life. He is giving all the wrong messages in how he's acting. Actions speak louder than words.

Urghhh I've just read your updates.
he sounds like a self-obsessed weirdo.

Dishonesty in a relationship is a dealbreaker for me. @Tex111, he was happy to lie to you about this OW and his true intention for meeting her. Closure?? What a joke. This was a Reignition. They’re still dancing together.

What a self-absorbed and egocentric bore. He is the big I Am who gains huge validation from soaking up the drama of his turbulent relationships and
co-opting others to season the sauce. You are now part of his gratification team who service his ego needs, and he feels entitled to ride roughshod over your feelings.

His twisted request that you humiliate yourself by publicly voicing his former lover’s letters was beyond the pale. He then lied that he was closing a window to OW while actually reopening a wide door to her. Hearing her reading her love notes will be an orgasmic experience for him.

Why are you putting your future and emotional health in the hands of this narcissistic manipulator? I strongly advise you to end this toxic relationship asap.

Well done for sending that email OP. He put you in a real position there. Agreeing merrily with his plan or being accused of controlling behaviour when under those specific circumstances, few people would be pleased with that involvement.

Plus it hardly sounds like her involvement will add much. Bit prurient and self involved if anything, a recent middle aged ex couple' breakup letter. I mean, fine, not being ageist but really not worth jeopardising something good over (unless you've missed out that she's enormously famous and this could be his big break at last).

It tells me a lot about him. He will never prioritise you. He's put you in the support category which includes sex. The concept of respecting your feelings isn't really there. He's either lied or is an opportunist.

Now I know what the collaboration is, it really doesn't sound like something a decent man invested in a relationship would do. It's histrionic and troublemaking for the sake of it. A genuine opportunity might be worth compromising or seeing how it goes but this voiceover nonsense is unnecessary for the work and is very indicative to me of his character and his view of women.

Thanks for this @atsnappykoala

*Interesting that he hasn’ made works about his wife - could suggest that his view of / feelings for you are more akin to those of his wife - less wild and passionate but more serious / longer term? I’d be interested to know how his wife dealt with / what consideration he gave to his wife in his making of art when they were together. Perhaps she gave him cart Blanche and he was thoughtlessly expecting the same from you?

At best his actions have been thoughtless and selfish, at worst they are intentionally hurtful in so far as he doesn’t care that it hurts you - or at least the artistic outcome / his desire to connect with his ex outweigh any distress to you. If the former he should be able to offer a remedy or compromise. If the later I’d guess it’s a dealbreaker.

Either way you are entirely justified in your concern that it’s a way for him to continue a relationship with his ex - even if he justifies it as for creative purposes ultimately - which is why his actions in response to you raising your concerns will be key. I’d be wondering how honest he is being not only with you but also with himself about his feelings for his ex*

DP texted this morning thanking me for my 'loving, thoughtful, insightful' email. He says he'd like to talk about it in person rather than writing a response. I don't think there's malicious intent in his behaviour, but he is being thoughtless and not considering me. But I do think he's not being completely honest with himself about the ex.

I saw my counselor this morning. Feeling calmer and more in control now. I'm thinking about what I want from this relationship. And I've been looking through dating apps to remind myself that there are lots of interesting men out there.

I've been very open on this thread and will delete it soon as some details could be identifying. I'll wait until I speak to DP and post an update though. I'm so grateful to everyone who's taken the time to respond and give me some perspective on the situation.

Too much drama. (You can't usually get threads deleted.)

You sound so genuinely lovely OP - kind and self reflective, dont sell yourself short! You deserve someone who adores you, we all do!

From experience. If they are messaging or talking to or meeting up with an ex (especially with no children involved) they are keeping a foot in the past amd not done with that. Why does he need closure when he's with YOU. That relationship should not matter now. He wants to see his ex because there is unfinished business!

You sound lovely. He sounds egotistical, pompous, and a bit sanctimonious too. He's got you tying yourself in knots! That's not a good thing in my experience. Maybe you'll be lucky enough to collaborate on a multimedia artwork in due course too.

Feeling really low again. That horrible feeling that I'll be alone forever. Scanning through the dating apps was not reassuring.

Give yourself a break from even looking. On the tail end of a nasty divorce and this behaviour from your partner, stop worrying about being alone or not finding anyone.
It will just make you feel worse.
Take a break from it.

I agree. I honestly don’t think you’re ready to full on date OP by what’s happened with this man. You’re likely to make another poor choice with your head where it is right now.

I get it. I’m in my 50’s and the pickings are very very very slim but I’m prioritised my friendship group and made a life where I’m almost too busy to date. And the more time I’ve spent with my own peace, I’m far more comfortable being single and realising that a man is a nice to have and not a necessity. In fact I’m not even sure if I could be arsed to date now, I like my life just as it is

I agree - take a break.

focus on yourself, your boundaries and self esteem.

and read Women Who Love Too Much. I think you’ll find it useful.

No one but you can make you happy, a good partner is someone you enjoy time with but they cannot and should not be expected to make you happy.

A relationship does not change the way you feel about yourself. You are chock full of insecurities and being very unfair on yourself right now. This needs work before you even get into a relationship otherwise all the bad habits will slide out again.

You need to break free from the idea you need to be in a relationship to be happy. You weren't happy in your marriage, you are not happy in this relationship. A partner won't make any difference and predatory men will sniff a low mood out from a mile away.

I miss companionship, having someone to share my day with, hold my hand, snuggle up to at night. I miss intimacy and sex. I'm not sure I want to live with someone yet, but I like having a special person and being a special person to someone.

Having a partner isn't everything particularly if it's stressful like your relationship seems to be.
I don't mean this to be rude but your posts do make you sound quite desperate and as if you would accept anything rather than be alone.
I am older and am single and actually I really like it now. I never thought I would and thought I couldn't survive without a man in my life but there are lots of positives to it.

OP, this is a bit of blow for you and I see why. I think all his innocent 'we are just collaborating together' is either an act for himself or her and possibly you. He's seeking her out to do things together, things that are intimate, and it's not a closure at all.

It is hard, I'm also a similar age and it's hard to find someone great. I can see why you liked him, he's emotionally verbal- but that doesn't mean he's emotionally sensible, and this isn't a sensible move on his part, it's tempting fate. It may be she's not interested and genuinely thinks it's a voice-over, but he could have any woman in the world to do that and he chose her, for a reason, either publicity or for emotional reasons and he has to own that.

I would not keep going with this even if he changed the woman reading now, he's still very emotionally wrapped up in this and if he wrote a performance about it, doubly so!

I agree. When I got divorced I rushed into dating and got involved with a man I wouldn’t have gone near had I not been in such a vulnerable and desperate headspace.

I never ever imagined I’d be where I am now happily single and really not that concerned about finding a man.

I do miss sex I won’t lie but that’s really only thing I miss about having a partner. I don’t miss a single other thing now. And I had a good marriage with an amicable split.

@Tex111 I also miss those things, but I think the missing it was worst when I was close to the original split up. Years down the line, that sense of loss and missing intimacy is much much less, and less idealised, and I also like my own company. I've also dated a bit and it's quite hard work.

I get you want to be special, but if you rush around trying to find that to fill the 'special' gap, you are going to end up with men like this, who are going to hurt you, not because he meant to, as I'm sure he didn't, but accidentally as no-one just knows another person is special from day one, and you aren't able to just let it mature naturally, knowing it might or might not work. You sound very fixed on a relationship being the solution to the heartache and I'm not sure that it is.

You also aren't giving your single life time to bed in. You already jacked in a lot of weekend events with your friends for this man, and then quickly picked them up when it looked like he was messing you around. You need calm, stability, time, let it all settle, see the friends, date occasionally, but I would be quite pissed off if a friend did that to me when I was there for them during their break-up.