To ask how I approach the issue of 'giving' with him again (sex related)?

[LilacWriter]

Been together for a year. At the beginning he initiated oral sex no problem. Admittedly he wasnt very good at it at first but slowly got better and I had orgasms from it.

But during sex he only initiates fingering and intercourse. I'd say he's more comfortable with fingering and can make me orgasm multiple times in most sessions from this.

But I really love oral (giving and receiving). So I said I'd like him to initiate more instead of always asking him to do it. At first he got the hump, saying why can't I just tell him when I want it and I said it takes the sexiness out of it!

I asked if he doesn't like it, he said 'no, I'm equally happy doing it compared to other things.' But he still has not initiated since that day, although he will go down if I ask. This was around 2 months ago.

I find myself fantasizing about past lovers who went down without prompting and miss the way I felt desired when a man I love does it of his own accord.

He's giving in every other possible way and I want to fix this. How do I approach this again?

Someone going down on you is your favourite part of being alive???

On every relationship thread I've ever posted on, I've advocated that honest, real communication is the key to a healthy relationship. Refusing to ask for something you want is literally terrible communication. It's like some women think the essence of romance is telepathy.

Without communication it's all just assumption as to why he won't go down on her unprompted, whether he really likes it etc etc etc. You won't get anywhere if you're just assuming what's in the other person's head. Now OP is lamenting she'll never get oral sex again even though her partner has literally told her all she has to do is ask.

Hmm, but she's already told him she likes it a lot - why would he need to be asked and never initiate it himself?

It does make it seem a bit like "I quite like hoovering - you only have to ask." 😂

A part of me suspects part of the reason is he thinks he's not good at it and he's someone that likes to be good at things. He's better at fingering, true, but he does make me orgasm from it.

At the start it was about three months before that started happening though. He was definitely more enthusiastic back then, saying he needed 'lots of practice' as it had been a while. I was delighted at the thought!

She also said he wasn't very good at it at the start and it took some work to get him up to scratch. I would assume he's not 100% confident in his skills and doesn't want to be pushy in bed, rather than he hates the entire act. Again though I, like everyone else, am just assuming. OP needs to communicate with the man to find out what he actually feels rather than speculating about this or that or the other!

This rings true. There's probably an element of stupid ego there as well - "I'm not naturally good at it so I'm just not going to do it". Teaching someone to get better at any skill is a psychological process as well as a technical one.

Just a thought
There was an article in the paper lately
About rising rates of mouth cancer
They think it's down to oral sex .
It did make me go ..ugh a bit .
Maybe he's got put of .
Plus we change as we age
The sex we have at first in a relationship when it's all fireworks,is not necessarily the sex we have 10 years down the line .

@gannett I think there is a little bit of ego involved. He knows he's great with fingers so focuses on that.

To give myself a bit of credit I did at least open up the conversation. Let's say I open it up again. He gives me similar waffle about how he enjoys it. What can I say or ask this time to get to the root of the matter?

Is it more to say “it’s fab that you enjoy it, is there something else that’s making you prioritise fingering in what you do, then, rather than oral?”

Possibly he likes holding you whilst you orgasm, which is easier when using hands than mouth (that’s off the top of my head!)

I'm just rereading this. You really are fortunate to meet someone like him, and mid-30s really isn't THAT young in the dating world for finding new men. Where are all the men who gave you the action you loved so much (in fact for you, the whole point of being alive?) - why did you (or they) break up?

If you're not able to negotiate this, I hope you do release him. Poor guy!

The impression you are giving is that you are very dominant in your sexual relations with him and you expect to call the tunes. Perhaps if you weren't so dogmatic he might feel free to be honest about what he likes and doesn't like

This struck me too

This would be a deal breaker for me. He’s not helping the situation by quite possibly not being honest with you. I like oral sex and it doesn’t appear to be his thing

I know, and this is why I haven't LTB.

I'm 33 and it took me this long to find someone that ticked almost all boxes. The other guys did not work out. I was fulfilled sexually but not in other important ways. This aside, he's husband and father material.

But it isn't easy. I know this wouldn't be important to other people but it is for me. Its not the reason I enjoy being alive, but it's one of them! You can't beat it.

I’d say it’s this - or he’s just not very confident at giving it (even if you say you enjoy it).

Men are a nightmare to get stuff out of sometimes. They just lie, lie, lie because it’s easier than telling the truth.

@LilacWriter

i guess the thing is OP you’re not gonna find someone who can tick ALL your boxes. Unlikely anyway.

I think you're just going to have to follow his lead and prompt him when you want head.

While I'm all for communication I don't think turning this into A Big Thing that you discuss a lot will make any positive difference at this point if the root is lack of confidence. You're at the positive reinforcement stage of the teaching process. Prompt him a lot and tell him how good he is, and at some point either consciously or subconsciously he'll start to believe that. (I'm presuming he is much better than he thinks at it, given how much you want it from him!)

I would guess that once that happens, he won't need to be prompted much.

Also I'm not sure how old this guy is but it was only a year ago that he would have been told he's been giving head badly all his life. I'm honestly not surprised he's wary of going for it. I think if at my age I was told I gave a bad bj, I'd be mortified about trying again any time soon!

(Not saying OP was wrong to tell him at all - that's how he got better and you'll eventually get the head youy want.)

i had something similar, when i first met my ex (not together anymore but not for this reason) he went down on me literally every single time he seemed to love it and couldn’t get enough different though as he was very good at it and very confident but then one day he just stopped and didn’t do it ever again, i didn’t bring it up as to me if he wanted to do it he would and i would never want someone to do something they didn’t want to. relationship ended for other reasons but it always bugged me as he was very very into it when we met so i don’t know what happened, in your situation i think despite what you say he probably just doesn’t like it maybe he tried to but he doesnt, i don’t think it’s lack of confidence personally

He’s probably putting it on - which is why it sounds louder. He’s faking it.

That’s one of the most awful things I’ve ever read on here.

Why?

A woman is entitled to leave a relationship for any reason or none.

Yes, but why? Because he’s afraid she might leave or be disappointed in him? That IS coercive.

Of course they can. Doesn’t it make it not awful though.

@LilacWriter

yeah he’s faking it to try to pacify you Op.

This - sorry, but I cannot understand why you’d throw away a good relationship, and potentially end up in a shit one, just for the sake of a man going down on you.

Let’s agree to differ on that.