To ask how I approach the issue of 'giving' with him again (sex related)?

[LilacWriter]

Been together for a year. At the beginning he initiated oral sex no problem. Admittedly he wasnt very good at it at first but slowly got better and I had orgasms from it.

But during sex he only initiates fingering and intercourse. I'd say he's more comfortable with fingering and can make me orgasm multiple times in most sessions from this.

But I really love oral (giving and receiving). So I said I'd like him to initiate more instead of always asking him to do it. At first he got the hump, saying why can't I just tell him when I want it and I said it takes the sexiness out of it!

I asked if he doesn't like it, he said 'no, I'm equally happy doing it compared to other things.' But he still has not initiated since that day, although he will go down if I ask. This was around 2 months ago.

I find myself fantasizing about past lovers who went down without prompting and miss the way I felt desired when a man I love does it of his own accord.

He's giving in every other possible way and I want to fix this. How do I approach this again?

Then you're just going to have to prompt him.

You say he wasn't very good at it in the beginning so I guess there's some latent lack of confidence about how good he actually is at it. He may worry that if he just goes for it, it'll be awkward and won't get you off, like at the start of the relationship. Makes sense that he'd need an active go-ahead from you in the moment.

He's made it clear he's happy to go down on you if asked so while you may not get the unprompted cunnilingus of your dreams, you're getting an offer of cunnilingus on demand which is pretty good really.

I'd hazard a guess that if it isn't made into A Thing, and if he does it well when prompted, the unprompted stuff may well follow down the line as he grows in confidence...

I think you need to decide if this is a deal breaker for you.

It sounds as if it's not his favourite thing to do (maybe he just doesn't enjoy it or it's a confidence thing) so he will do it if you ask him but if he can get away with not doing it then he will.

Neither of you are wrong, you're just different and you need to decide if you can accept that.

@Alwayslurkingsometimesposting
No one can force her to stop asking (or him faking his moaning). But she is asking, very well under the impression that he doesn't enjoy it (hence the thread). I don't think anyone should knowingly do that.
In the end, he is bound to find someone who doesn't ask him to engage in sex acts he doesn't like. OP might go looking for cunnilingus enthusiasts. That's the expected outcome here.

There are plenty of men who enjoy their bumhole being touched/licked. For some of them, it's their main pleasure. On a one-off or two-off occasion I've done it to pleasure my partner if asked. But if he couldn't enjoy our sex life without it and had to pester me for it (or god forbid sit on my face to get me to do it!!) eventually I would start avoiding the bedroom and soon enough leave.

If you have to repeatedly ask for something that would otherwise not be given, you are knowingly demanding them to "perform".
Unless you are both into a kind of power-play, I don't think it's the right way to conduct yourself sexually.

Imagine what would happen to the world if 'asking' for sex was a deal breaker for men...

This..
Libido ebbs and flows.
There is busy and stressfull seasons, post partums, illnesses, .
And don't get my wrong, i think sex is important and should be prioritized even post partum after healing, but you attitude makes me feel like you would up and leave if he was ill. Just wondering if you think it appropriate if he did it to you, 2 kids down the line if you didnt initiate or go down on your knees quite as often as before

I’m with you OP this would actually be a deal breaker for me. I’d rather have or sex than PIV and having a partner who wasn’t enthusiastic about it would be a huge turn off

I suppose you have to work out if it’s a deal breaker or not. I don’t think you’re being entitled at all - we all have our preferences sexually and it’s about finding a partner that matches us which it doesn’t seem yours does

Am I the only one who finds this thread a bit untoward? I mean, if a man was posting asking why his otherwise-great partner wasn’t giving him blowjobs all the time there’d be outrage! And I very much doubt anyone would suggest he just shove his dick in her mouth - which is the equivalent what the ‘sit on his face’ crowd are saying. Enthusiastic consent is very much a two-way street.

OP, it’s totally fine if you can’t live without oral. That’s your preference. But it seems clear to me that it’s not your partner’s preference so either you accept he’ll only do it when asked, or you find a partner that’ll munch your rug day and night (but might be a bit shit in other aspects of partnership).

As the saying goes, if he wanted to to, he would.

Agree with @unfashionablytall - I don't like Bjs so I don't do them.

If DH kept waggling it in my face / asking for one every time we had sex I'd consider it sexually abusive.

If he's aware that you will always welcome him going down on you, that it's you favourite/ most intimate part of sex and that asking for it takes the shine off a little.... but still isn't doing it.... then he has either lied about liking it or he's gone off it or doesn't care about your pleasure as much as he could and finds fingers 'easier'. I would ask him which it is.

It's only hot if they're 100% into it and if there was any doubt in my mind that would be a turn off. It would be a deal breaker for me if someone had faked enjoying something and actually wasn't into it!

I agree. As much as I’ve said lack of oral would be a deal breaker for me, it would have to be given enthusiastically.

The OP ramming her vagina into his face that some suggesting is basically forcing him into a sex act against his will and that’s appalling advice. As you say no one would say to a man ‘just shove your dick in her gob’ which is same thing.

Ultimately the OP needs to talk to her DP calmly and tell him how she feels but if it doesn’t change anything g, she needs to decide if it’s a deal breaker

Presumably though you've told him you don't like them and that's clear between you?

I really don't think it's abusive to ask when he told me to ask and said he likes it. If he had expressed the opposite and I was still asking, that would be different.

@unfashionablytall the thing is he does sometimes approach and put his dick in my mouth! So far we take turns being dominant.

But it's what you say - I may well give up an otherwise perfect partnership to find an enthusiastic oral sex giver who is shit in other areas.

Mind you if it's between the perfect relationship (aside from this) and no oral ever again, I can't say if I'd choose the relationship. May not paint me in a flattering light but there you go.

I totally agree with @orangegato. My partner did exactly the same as yours, wanted me to ask for it, and like you, I wasn't happy with having to do that every time. Long story short, he eventually admitted that he doesn't like doing it. So oral sex was permanently removed from our sex life for both of us.

@FreeRider oh dear. Have you got used to it or do you really miss it?

I enjoy giving almost as much as I like receiving!

Hmm. I like receiving oral fine but it's not my fave. But I wouldn't be with a guy who wasn't enthusiastic about it. To me it's strong predictor of a man who actually genuinely likes women's bodies and not in a selective sanitised way. I would be put off by a lack of interest. & the dodgy communication from him would annoy me here.

If I didn't orgasm from intercourse it might be a deal breaker. Just fingers every time wouldn't do it for me. The whole "it's diamond shoes, as long as you're orgasming it's fine" attitude is nonsense imo.

@Geranen yes I know what you mean.

I have previously worried that it is a general attitude towards women's bodies.

I'm logically thinking 'i had three orgasms tonight, what's the issue?' but on some level I feel rejected.

Is it worth bringing up one more time to fine out his real feelings on it?

@Geranen the thing is he recently told me he wouldn't care if I stopped shaving my legs or vagina, so it doesn't SEEM like he wants the sanitised version but I'm not sure.

I agree with @Geranen too.... I don't want a lover who is squeamish about getting up close and personal with my body, enthusiastic oral sex (giving and receiving) is part of that whole appreciation of each other's bodies and intimacy.

"If he wanted to, he would" is such an annoying saying because it neither makes sense nor is actually true of any real man.

It's not clear at all this isn't his preference. What he's said is the exact opposite, in fact. Being hesitant to take the initiative on something you don't feel you're very good at is not the same thing as not wanting to do it. This applies as much to sex as to every other aspect of life.

And sex acts aren't a binary "100% love it" and "absolutely not for me". Plenty of things in the middle where I might need to be in a certain mood or frame of mind; or where it's my third or fourth favourite thing to do so I might not initiate it, but I absolutely do enjoy it, etc.

I don’t really see why you won’t ask, TBH. Sometimes I go down on DH without him asking and sometimes he asks. It doesn’t make a difference to us either way.

And if you ask, it might ingrain it more in his head as a “habit” in the way that fingering you is currently a habit.

You 'sometimes' give your partner oral sex without being asked.
OPs partner 'never' gives her oral without being asked.
Can you see the difference?

To me it feels like he knows this is her favourite part of sex and he is deliberately withholding/punishing/controlling.

You could understand if it was some weird kink activity she wanted but this is such a basic vanilla act
Personally, I suspect people who don't like giving oral sex have hang ups about genitials, probably related to bodily functions which creates some sort of Sexual Aversion Disorder (SAD).
It will probably get worse if you have children.

I'm now 56 and the menopause and a physical condition/medication my partner takes (not ED) has meant our sex life is now totally over. Been about 6 years now since it last happened.

Sometimes I miss sex but that's rare. Frankly I couldn't care less if I never have it again!

@MoneyMill yes, I do see the difference... but this sounds like a thing OP's partner has never done habitually, hence my suggestion that she asks.

(DH doesn't tend to do it for me unless I ask, but it isn't something I am massively bothered about and he is always happy to do it if I do ask, so I am fine about that. I feel like most of my sexual partners have been more like DH, with only a couple who would, err, dive in without being asked.)

I wondered how long it would be before someone related hang ups to not enjoying oral sex. For me, I just don’t like the sensation-am too sensitive. My dh likes getting it sometimes but he’d rather do other things most of the time. We’re allowed our likes and dislikes without being told we have hang ups about genitals.

@PansyPolly
The thing about having to ask is that in the back of your mind you are always thinking, they don't really want to be doing this, they're just doing it for a quiet life, they don't really find my body attractive and I'm not good enough to get my favourite sexual act.