To ask how I approach the issue of 'giving' with him again (sex related)?

[LilacWriter]

Been together for a year. At the beginning he initiated oral sex no problem. Admittedly he wasnt very good at it at first but slowly got better and I had orgasms from it.

But during sex he only initiates fingering and intercourse. I'd say he's more comfortable with fingering and can make me orgasm multiple times in most sessions from this.

But I really love oral (giving and receiving). So I said I'd like him to initiate more instead of always asking him to do it. At first he got the hump, saying why can't I just tell him when I want it and I said it takes the sexiness out of it!

I asked if he doesn't like it, he said 'no, I'm equally happy doing it compared to other things.' But he still has not initiated since that day, although he will go down if I ask. This was around 2 months ago.

I find myself fantasizing about past lovers who went down without prompting and miss the way I felt desired when a man I love does it of his own accord.

He's giving in every other possible way and I want to fix this. How do I approach this again?

It sounds like it’s something he doesn’t enjoy. That’s fine - we don’t all enjoy all aspects of sex and shouldn’t have to do anything we don’t feel enthusiastic about. But he should have been honest about it so that you can make a decision about whether the relationship is for you in light of his feelings about it.

Given that you’ve tried to discuss it with him and it hasn’t led to him either being honest about not liking it or changing his behaviour to do it unprompted, I think you have the information you need to enable you to make a decision about next steps. Sex, and this particular activity, are important to you. He doesn’t like it and isn’t ever going to do it willingly or voluntarily. Can you live with that? If so, then you’ll have to move past hoping / expecting him to change because he’s indicated that he won’t. If you can’t, then you have to consider if this is the right relationship for you.

@Sweepsthepillowclean ok but communication in a relationship is important. I'm not in the wrong here, as he stated he was happy to do it!

I dont ask 'constantly'. Every other time or so.

He's willing to do it even though it seems clear he was saying he liked it to please you but you'd rather give up on what sounds like an utterly amazing relationship and a very special guy because YOU don't feel it's sexy enough to ask him to do something you can't live without? It's not that he doesn't satisfy you, or that he refuses to do it, just that you need to ASK! Aw, poor you, you must obviously LTB! Oral sex is obviously far more important than having a lovely man in your life... Are you having a laugh?!

The impression you are giving is that you are very dominant in your sexual relations with him and you expect to call the tunes. Perhaps if you weren't so dogmatic he might feel free to be honest about what he likes and doesn't like.

But during sex he only initiates fingering and intercourse. I'd say he's more comfortable with fingering and can make me orgasm multiple times in most sessions from this

You are not doing too badly. He sounds like a generous and attentive lover who does anything he is asked to try and please you even if he is not into it.
If it means this much to you just let him go, you can force him by asking every time but you cannot make him like it.

Several questions...

Many people simply 'die' after orgasm, so could it be he's jumping to penetration because you're tired, or else enthusiastic after?

Also, some men get 'bored' after oral... Most men I know are very visual, so once they've been there for a while, without penetration, they can lose their erection. Could it be that he just wants to get to the performative side before he misses the window?

Maybe he was initially but he is not now. How can you not see that. It is his prerogative.. not yours. Sounds like us is actually afraid to tell you the truth but I can tell you this much.. he 100% is not into it snd does it, when asked to please you.

Since you say he wasn’t good at it at first but eventually got better, that tells me this is probably an area of sex he has low confidence in. That doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t like it or can’t be bothered, it means his mindset prevents him from offering if with confidence and frequency.

For example my DH really liked me on top. I like it too, but I have low confidence about it so it’s definitely not my go to as I feel, initially, a bit awkward and embarrassed to initiate, and he often has to ask. Hell, I feel that way even if he’s asked have clearly having a great time.

On the face of it, you seem a bit snippy about it, and I wonder if your communication about it to him isn’t the best. They say 97% of communication is non-verbal, so if you’re annoyed in any way, he is definitely going to pick that up and it won’t be helping.

Have you let him know how brilliant it is with him and that you love HIM doing it doing it specifically? Sounds like you might bring it up more generally which isn’t going to be a confidence builder.

But it doesn't sound like he is jumping to penetration. OP says he generally makes her orgasm several times with his fingers. It doesn't sound like the issue is a selfish man just going straight to penetrative sex for his own pleasure.

@LilacWriter
Then leave.
You'll be forever asking and soon enough he'll start dreading the bedroom. You're not sexually compatible.
And stop asking. Him eventually giving in, ain't an enthusiastic consent.

I don't need to receive oral (in fact, I'll often be pulling those over-enthusiastic up by their gills) , so there will be other women who might be compatible with him. This union will frustrate you both eventually.

He's a fantastic partner in every other way and you orgasm multiple times per session. Erm relax.

I guess the real question is, is asking for it such a deal breaker? From what you've said, he's really good in all other aspects, both domestic and sexual.

Me personally, I'd say suck it up. If having to ask for oral is the worst thing about him, I think you're doing alright!

Agree with this.

These expectations are not pragmatic.

Neither of you is wrong it’s just a question of compatibility.
Firstly it sounds very unlikely he actively likes giving oral. Lots of men don’t. The fact that he wasn’t very good at it by early 30s would point to this. Frankly the best at doing it tend to be those who love it…

Don’t keep asking him, as a PP said, that’s not enthusiastic consent and it won’t make either of you feel good. Nothing wrong with asking for what you want but you also have to go with the cup of tea analogy.

Equally, weigh up how important sexual compatibility is and go from there. There are no stupid reasons to end relationships. It’s emotional not transactional.

It doesn’t matter what he stated. His actions are telling you different. He’s not keen on going down but will do it if asked.

Is asking a dealbreaker for you?

To be honest he sounds like he has poor boundaries if he ‘submits’ every time he’s asked despite not enjoying it.

Or perhaps we all have it wrong and being asked to do it is a turn on for him?

I dont know.

I'm struggling with those saying stop asking because it isn't enthusiastic consent. He is the one that said I should. And this is the only way I can see being ok with it, because at least I still get it.

Never getting it is probably a dealbreaker yes. Getting it sometimes as a result of asking may not be.

Also he moans loudly when doing it in ways he doesn't with fingering so I'm surprised that he doesn't like it!

Is it pleasurable moaning?

@Sweepsthepillowclean sounds like it! Like you've expect him to sound if I was pleasuring him. Maybe he thinks it will get me there quicker, I don't know.

His actions are showing you he would rather not despite him not saying it.

Sounds like sex is otherwise good so i would be fine (a little disappointed) but happy with that. I think good sex life is important, doesn't need perfect sex life though. If it is a deal breaker for you then rethinking relationship might be best.

He’s probably worried about the high profile cases of throat cancer that several male celebrities have gone public about getting which has been scientifically linked to cunnilingus. Do you not think this would be enough to put most ppl off?

You say that ‘He's pretty much an ideal partner in every other way’ but ‘Sex is a priority’ and ask if you can ‘put up with this long term?’

Are you aware how entitled and superficial you’re coming across as? Do you have any other issue going on in your life? It sounds like this is the most important aspect, and if so you need a massive and long-awaited reality check! Just bc you enjoy giving and receiving does not make it compulsory for everybody. He does it, despite probably not enjoying it, but he does do it. For you, bc he cares. This isn’t enough for you though and you want him to always initiate bc that’s what you do, despite saying you enjoy it, or have I got that wrong? Rather than focusing on your partner doing something he doesn’t 100% enjoy bc he wants you to be happy you’re saying this isn’t enough and demanding more. In an ideal world every person‘s partner would be their sexual soul mate, but this is reality, and relationships, like adult life, are about give and take.

What would happen if your partner got in an accident and was paralysed from the waist down? Would you stand by him as sex is such a crucial part of your life? I’m assuming not. So you would expect the same treatment if the same thing happened to you then? It doesn’t even have to be that dramatic - he could get ED due to stress, a bereavement, an illness - would that be enough to drop him bc he wasn’t holding up his end of the relationship? Hormones change and in years to come you might find your libido drops significantly - will you understand if your partner (current or future) decides to walk? If a younger more nubile work colleague happens to join his place of work in the future and can offer him better sex than you - will you understand that she can meet his needs better than you can so would step aside and congratulate him for finding a better sex partner?

Sex it’s important - but it’s not the most important thing. If your whole relationship is based on that premise then you don’t deserve, or can realistically expect, to find long-term happiness. There will always be someone newer, shinier and younger to replace them or you.

I disagree with those saying stop asking- if sounds like he's fine to do it when asked.
I get that you don't want to have to ask though. My dh is the same - will do it when asked but rarely initiates - but I'm not that bothered as I orgasm from intercourse so that's the main event for me. I wonder if you not being able to orgasm from intercourse the last few years is making this issue more important- could you work on that instead? Maybe with a bullet vibrator or similar?

Honestly it sounds like he is doing his best. He sure does seem like a good man and wants to please you. It’s a shame that maybe this side of things are not compatible but he is certainly trying.

Because he probably didn’t want to hurt your feelings. He obviously doesn’t want to do it and if he’s a great partner in every other respect I would let this slide.

Maybe he doesn’t like doing it? I’d find it a turn off if someone was constantly on at me to do something I don’t really like. For example, I’m not that keen on receiving-I’d find it ick if my dh kept trying it after I’d said it’s not really my thing. And ‘need being met’? You’d really dump someone great because you didn’t get oral sex? Imagine if this was a man writing my gf doesn’t go down on me-my life is blighted!