Everything is great apart from our sex life

[Andyls]

Please don't flame me!

First of all I love my partner very much but the lack of sex life is eating away at me inside. We have 2 children one just turned 2 the other is 6.

Since we have had our 1st ive really struggled with our sex life, at first it was oh it must just be hormones while pregnant, then it was it must be hormones while breastfeeding and it can take 2 years for a woman to feel semi normal again after birth and breastfeeding. The problem now is my youngest is more than 2 years old we are past the (2 year for a woman's hormones to get to normal stage)

We've tried so much, she's stopped taking the pill and few months ago to see if it would help her get more in the mood. It didn't work. I track her cycle (she's knows this) so I know when her "sex" hormones are at the highest still doesn't work. How it normally goes it i don't mention sex to her until she is the best time in her cycle. But every night after shes had her period we go bed I always think maybe tonight and it never happens until I get sexually frustrated I end up asking her if we can have sex week or at the weekend which I know is pathetic to even. She often says ok but she's just fobbing me off to stop me asking her. Then nothing happens on the days we are supposed to. I know she sees sex as just a physical act but to me it's so much more than that. It shows me I can trust her and that she actually cares abouts me and our relationship and everything we have. I havnt said this to her because she'll just think I'm talking about sex again but I genuinely feel I've been waiting since the birth of our first 6 years for things to get better and its just not.

We usually manage once a month and I feel I'm compromising at that and the longer I go without the more insecure I feel about everything in our relationship and weather we even have a future. It's a real deal breaker for me but I genuinely think she doesn't know how I feel about it and it's just another job for her to do. I can't go on forever this way and always thought there would be light at the end of the tunnel but we're just going backwards. We haven't had sex in over a month yet I've been fully supportive of her . She says she just doesn't feel like it, she has said this before but she enjoys it once we get going but it's the getting going part that's the problem. Any thoughts? I don't want to be pushed into the position of accept a sexless relationship or breakup my family and start again.

@Nothatgingerpirate your OH is 74, there’s a huge difference between a man not wanting sex / not being able to have sex at 74 and a man not getting any in his 30’s and 40’s.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/sex/4947580-i-have-no-interest-in-sex-and-husband-is-upset

just putting this here…..‘wife has no libido and doesn’t want sex with husband - everyone says how important sex is in a marriage and fight for it.

’man doesn’t get much sex with his wife and everyone (most) says marriage doesn’t equal sex and people can have a happy marriage without it….

hmmmmmm

I do think that sex is important in a marriage.

I'm 68 and have been married for 25 years. (Before that, I was married for 10. My ex husband went off sex. It turned out that he was gay. He cheated on me with a man)

But nobody is owed a sex life! Men seem to write all kinds of threads on here, and almost all of them are about sex.

I mean, I can't think of any threads I've seen on here, written by men, complaining that they're sick of doing all the housework and childcare, while their wives sit about doing nothing.

Always, always, it's men moaning that they don't get enough sex.

She is probably exhausted from doing all the housework, looking after kids, cooking your tea and holding down a job and sex is the last thing she can be arsed to do. If she's exhausted and overwhelmed from life then her sex drive will naturally be on the floor.
I'm aware I am being very presumptuous here but I would first help lighten her load then sex might eventually be back on the cards a bit more often.

So true. I think you nailed it.

I've felt this way for years, the sex we did have once a month made up for all the other things I don't like in our relationship

Bingo! I think you have answered your own question there op!

Sexual problems in a relationship are very rarely about sex.

She senses your resentment of her and women need to feel safe to have a fulfilling ongoing sexual relationship. She needs to feel that you at least like her! Does she know that?

Other stuff that many men sometimes get wrong:

• good foreplay starts with doing your fair share of parenting, cleaning, cooking, and carrying the mental load. Do you take the initiative and anticipate tasks? Are you competent at cleaning the bathroom and cooking? Do you run her a bath while you put the toddler to bed?

• the reason that this is important is that sexual desire is as much about how we feel about ourselves as women than how we feel about our husbands and partners. And yet blokes take it so personally! But if we feel all touched out by the DC, stressed by the amount of housework, sleep-deprived, unsupported, unattractive, without any breathing space for ourselves, and we think we are only valued for cleaning the loo and putting out, then sex is the last thing on our minds.

We need decent sleep, some reliable support and appreciation for ourselves to feel in the mood.

It's similar to the feeling you get when you have just succeeded at a job interview and you feel euphoric and powerful. Then you feel confident and desirable. If your wife is beaten down by domestic duties she will feel crap.And if your wife feels confident and attractive in herself, that will lead to feeling desire for you.

So if you want sex with her, try and like and appreciate her for her sake without any expectations in the bedroom, with some sincere compliments, and some time listening to her, taking her out and doing something she enjoys without expecting any rewards would be good.

-And please stop tracking her cycle! I can't think of anything more off-putting, like she doesn't have a mind of her own!

• finally, the other thing that men get wrong is the sex itself. Basically male desire is usually there ready to spring in to action. Women need physically longer to warm up. Men go too fast. And bluntly some favour the jack-hammer approach without caring if their wife is properly warmed up or not or whether she orgasms or not. Some men also come to bed without showering, brushing their teeth, filing their nails, wearing scent or making any effort at all.

There you go op. Not saying all of this applies to you by any means and you have obviously been patient, but why don't you start by arranging a baby-sitter and taking your wife out for a nice dinner and talking to her like a human being instead of tracking her ovulation?

She is just not feeling it for some reason or another, and instead of taking it as a personal attack, I suggest you find out why. I would love to hear your wife's pov thh! I bet it's nothing to do with sex itself, but how well or not she feels supported. Good luck.

😅 you’re being a little extreme. There’s a difference between having up and down months and full on celibacy. Every marriage is different and how you define and want sex is different. Its up to each couple how it works.

I don't understand the thread title in light of OP's updates. The title says everything's great and yet he's changed his mind halfway through and says they've been unhappy for 6 years and she gives him nothing. Which is it?

Actually some people say their wedding vows and mean them… ‘for better or worse, in sickness and in health, forsaking all others…’

OP said they are not married.

Oh god!! Thanks OP with all this election stress I needed a giggle.

You track her periods and yet when the app tells you she should be at her horniest. It doesn't work!? 😲😂🤣 Oh no!
But of course by having sex with her is how to judge you can trust her!!
Not by having two children with her, or tying yourselves financially to a property. Nope intercourse 😂😆🤣😆🤣😂😆
God I bet her resentment for you started a long time ago.

Totally agree with you @Catseyes88

One minute you’re saying everything is great minus the lack of sex, yet your proceeding posts list off all her inadequacies as a wife, who you mention that you’ve been unhappy with for years.

Which is it?

Someone said on the first page that women don’t enjoy sex?? So untrue!

When you’ve had sex, is she satisfied afterwards, or do you get what you want and then roll over leaving her unsatisfied? Many (in fact most) women don’t orgasm through penetration alone. Could you imagine each time you have sex, you never get to orgasm. You’d get sick of that eventually. Is that the case for her or is she genuinely left happy afterwards?

Do you date her? Or don’t view her as a household appliance or pet, where you need to read the manual / monitor cycles to understand how the appliance/pet will operate on different days?

Have you given her the ick?

Do you still fancy one another?

Do you both do your fair share of parenting and household chores, or is there an imbalance?

Is she seeing someone else?

Does she just view you as a man child or inconsiderate sex pest?

So many questions and so many different scenarios of what could be happening, so asking random strangers on Mumsnet will not be in the slightest bit helpful. You need to ask her.

Eg I had a friend once who would not sleep with her DH anymore because she was frustrated that their entire marriage sex lasted around 20 seconds and he wouldn’t go and see a DR about his premature ejaculation. She was over getting wet and turned on for less than 30 seconds of pleasure.

I know someone else whose husband never brushed his teeth despite her nagging. She couldn’t stomach having sex with or kissing him because it made her want to vomit.

Another friend cut out having sex with her DH because she discovered his weird porn habits and felt self conscious being naked with him.

There could be a thousand different reasons she doesn’t want to sleep with you. Instead of tracking her cycle (which is fucking weird and would make my vagina clamp shut), or asking to schedule in sex, maybe ask her what’s going on. Maybe take her out for dinner without the kids with zero expectations of sex afterwards?

Lied to in what way?

What is her day to day life like? Is she getting a solid nights sleep every night now? Is she eating properly? Does she work outside the home? Does she have friends? Does she get to see them?

You said I've felt this way for years, the sex we did have once a month made up for all the other things I don't like in our relationship and literally gets me through the month

What other things don't you like in the relationship? What things does she not like? What do you argue about?

My ex would say I had checked out but the reality of it is that he wouldn't accept any explanation or reasoning. He had his opinion on the situation and refused to hear me. We separated, eventually he begged me to come back and he STILL wouldn't listen despite saying he had changed. By all accounts, he is lonely and struggling now. Be careful what you wish for.

Totally agree. He hasn’t shown himself to be a sex pest - just someone who wants closeness and intimacy which are a normal part of a relationship

Op I have read all of your posts on this thread and they are mainly about your pov and how you feel.

Why do you not come back and answer some of the questions about your partner?

Posters are not trying to flame you, you have been offered some good advice.

So why not respond to some of the questions people are asking about how your partner’s day looks? Whether you fully support her at home doing your fair share of chores and child-care?

And why have you not spoken to her about feeling unloved like an adult?

Maybe your partner feels that she is giving, giving, giving all day by looking after your home and children and those are her acts of love for you and your family and maybe she feels they go unappreciated?

Are you able to take any of that on board?

Two years is not very long after having a baby. Is your partner well rested? Do you take your turn getting up in the night? Are you showing her love through acts of service and kind words or are you just fixated on sex?

Do you put as much effort in to helping plan your meals for the week or reading your child a bedtime story, as you do tracking your partner’s ovulation?

If it’s truly the relationship you want to save, then why not talk to your wife and find out what’s wrong?

Also I find this comment strange,

I've basically been constantly lied too for years by the person who I should feel I can depend on most and who would back me no matter what

What has your partner lied to you about op?

You say all affection is one way and greetings and kisses are all initiated by you, but are you showing affection to your partner by doing your equal half of household and childcare?

Can you imagine a scenario where a female partner gets home from work, feeds and baths the toddler, puts them to bed, comes down and cooks and serves dinner, then cleans the kitchen and puts the other child to bed, then goes to bed herself and then her male partner gets in to bed and expects sex?

Do you think in that scenario that she feels that her partner is trustworthy and has her back?

Does that scenario sound familiar to you op?

Or if you do your fair share, what else do you think could be the problem from your partner’s perspective and have you sat down and asked her about it in a loving way?

totally agree with this

This is about two people who have completely different views on intimacy.
DP and I have 4 kids and 2 high-pressure pressured roles between us. Yet sex for both of us is very important. So it's regular whatever is happening, if something does affect the regularity I become upset, DP is more patient than I.
It's just not that important to a sizable majority of people. All the other answers are just sophistry.

@Missamyp
I had to Google Sophistry - it means a fallacious argument, which is completely different to a fellatious argument.

It isn't necessarily about people with completely different views on intimacy.
I think intimacy is extremely important, but certain relationship issues would turn me off and I wouldn't feel like being intimate with my partner, and that's the same for many women.

Fallacious surely? Though fellatious kinda fits the context