I have no interest in sex and husband is upset

[mssgrees]

Since our little boy was born (he's now 2.5 years), I've had very little interest in sex. Initially, I thought it was down to breastfeeding and bedsharing but we stopped doing both almost a year ago.

I think with caring for a toddler (I also have a teenage stepdaughter who's with us half the time, which reduces our chance to be intimate), working part-time, studying for an MA, learning to drive and keeping the house clean and tidy, I'm just completely drained.

I've never has a huge sex drive but did used to enjoy sex with my husband but now the thought is pretty unappealing most of the time. At most, we do it once a month and it's always better during ovulation.

My husband doesn't push it but I know he wants more intimacy (I'm not super affectionate either although lots of cuddles for my boy, of course!) and last night I agreed to go to bed early. I just wasn't feeling it and he could tell so we stopped before he could... ahem, finish, even though I offered to carry on. Then we were both upset and he told me he doesn't think I fancy him anymore. He's still being funny with me this morning and I don't know what to do.

I'm fit and healthy, eat well and exercise regularly plus I get a decent amount of sleep, so I don't think it's that.

Anyone else in the same boat or have any advice?

You need to discuss this with him and try and get back on track. You're likely on the downward spiral. He's probably unlikely to initiate due to not wanting to feel rejected.He probably wants to feel desired too and feel some reciprocation of enthusiasm. Having sex with a less than interested partner is not much fun.
I'm well aware that family life and demands of life sap your strength and make you tired.
But ask yourself this, is it worth putting the same effort into your relationship as you do to you kids and home.
Separation and divorce are tough for everyone involved. Please seek some counselling before resentment, hurt and hate set in.
I'm writing this from experience, the 'I wish I'd tried earlier' feeling is hard to reconcile after your partner has walked out and you have 50:50 ti.e with your kids.

I think with caring for a toddler (I also have a teenage stepdaughter who's with us half the time, which reduces our chance to be intimate), working part-time, studying for an MA, learning to drive and keeping the house clean and tidy, I'm just completely drained.

Sounds like you’re too drained for much else. Is he doing his 50% of childcare and house work so you aren’t feeling so shattered all the time?

This is really good advice...once the resentment hits a certain stage it is usually a tipping point and recovering it becomes almost impossible. Of course if not what you want, then fine but have your eyes open that a marriage generally needs intimacy to survive.

Have seen something similar in a friend of mine and the regret is there to this day she didn't try and sort things earlier

It's a tough one, he will feel rejected and if it continues will have every right to ask for a divorce. Happens a lot.

He will feel really upset by what you've done. Tbh I think all the things you've listed is just a complete excuse. 99% of other parents (mainly mothers) have all of that going on too yet still make time for their partners.

If my partner and I were in the middle of having sex and then he couldn't be bothered half way through and rolled over and went to sleep I'd also still be pissed off with him today.

I think you need to sit down together and talk about why you have a lack of interest in sex with him and also do a lot of apologising today!

Thanks to everyone for the advice (apart from @gollly as I think you're a little harsh in your response). We've talked and we're going to give it another go tonight. Obviously I love him and want to make things work, so I'm trying.

Maintaining a healthy physical relationship is as important if not more so than Ma's and housework etc.

I'm not saying force yourself, obviously if you aren't attracted to him anymore then fine nothing will work but if it is just because you are drained then reprioritise. Leave the housework a few days, manage your time better.

If you want to stay happy and together it really is worth investing in the physical side of your relationship.

You need to refresh because as others have said once the resentment builds it’s very difficult to get past it. Remember you don’t have a baby, it’s been 2.5years. Your child who is nearly 3 of course needs your love and attention but why does that have to be mutually exclusive with your partner? They are 2 completely different situations. The marriage will most definitely end if you continue on that track.

@mssgrees . How have things gone? Hopefully had a nice weekend

I'm not interested either op. Low sex drive. Always have, always will. I refuse to do it with the kids in the house anyway. Plus shattered with work, up with toddler at 5 every day. If it happens once a quarter I call it a win.

Always have, always will

If he's happy with that arrangement, great. If not, you might need to discuss options, like separation (divorce) or an open marriage.

He doesn’t need to stop being sexually active just because you’ve decided to.

The responses here are the polar opposite to a similar thread on the sex forum which was started by a husband,. Gotta love MN sometimes!

That said, I agree with the feedback on here, a marriage needs sex and intimacy for it to work. Talk to him, take sex out of the equation and focus on intimacy without PIV, and go with the flow!

Although I think it's normal to feel like this with small children, especially when you are tired and you don't feel you have had five minutes peace all day I do think that the sex with your husband is worth pursuing and maintaining. There is an element of making time for it too even if you have to plan it.

The relationship board is full of women who feel rejected that there husbands don't want sex or any intimacy with them. Partly I think this can come down to women noticing this more when they hit their late 30s/ early 40s, when there children have grown up and and now they want their sex life back. You don't want to go down the route of losing that intimacy with your husband, then later realise it was a mistake to do that and it's now difficult/awkward to get back again.

And finally I'm in my 40s and I would be so sad to think that I have hit the end of the road with sex, if my boyfriend said to me it was off the table, I'm not sure how I would feel but I would definitely feel rejected.